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The candy is half-price the flowers are wilting, and in my inbox some sweet folks are a-jilting. My manuscript’s growing, my brain needs a break, so time for some letters about hope and heartbreak.

This email came this morning with “NO RELATIONSHIP!!!” as the subject line. I’m calling it #1394 for record-keeping purposes.

#1394: NO RELATIONSHIP!!!

I MET A GUY ON A DESTINATION WEDDING AND HE LIVES IN LONDON.SO WHEN I CAME BACK TO MY HOME I COULD NOT STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM I  FOUND HIS INSTAGRAM AND SENDED HIM A REQUEST. I PROBABLY THINK HE MUST HAVE SEEN IT AND HAS NOT RESPONDED. I KNOW THIS WILL NOT LEAD TO ANYTHING BUT I WANTED TO TRY.I  HAVE NOT TOLD ANYONE ABOUT THIS.I  TALKED TO HIM TWICE/THRICE AND DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO…

I SENDED HIM A REQUEST AGAIN THINKING HE MIGHT NOT HAVE SEEN HIM. I WAS ATTRACTED TO HIM AT FIRST SIGHT PROBABLY BECAUSE HE IS NOT THE ETHNIC TYPE OF GUYS I MEET EVERYDAY. HE MIGHT BE A LITTLE OLDER BUT I DON’T CARE. YOU WILL MAYBE SUGGEST TO LEAVE IT BUT HE IS IN MY MIND AND I CAN’T STOP MAKING FAKE SCENARIOS IN MY HEAD. HE EVEN DID A LITTLE TEASING AND COMPLIMENTS.HE HASN’T RESPONDED YET …PLZ TELL ME WHAT TO DO OR THINK
RESPOND QUICK OR I WILL EAT UP MY MIND
ANYWAY I ALSO THINK A LOT OF IT IS BECAUSE I AM LONELY BUT I don’t know …

HELLO,

I AM GLAD YOU HAD FUN AT THE WEDDING. IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU HAD A NICE FLIRTATION WITH A HANDSOME GUEST AND THAT IS ALWAYS NICE.

PLEASE DO NOT EAT UP YOUR MIND! PLEASE DO NOT SAY THAT THING ABOUT “ETHNIC GUYS” ANYMORE IT MAKES YOU SOUND KINDA RACIST. JUST SAY YOU THOUGH HE WAS HANDSOME, COOL, HOT, NICE, FUN, ETC.

I WILL STOP YELLING NOW IF YOU WILL.

You are right, I am going to suggest that you leave it, no maybes about it. You did nothing wrong by reaching out on social media to someone you met at a party, it was brave and cool of you to shoot your shot, but it is time to assume that he got your friend/follow requests and will respond to them or not in his own sweet time. (I don’t use Insta so I do not know the lingo, forgive me.) I think you should stop sending any more requests, stop looking for other avenues of contact, stop haunting his public feed, and leave him be until or unless he contacts you.

If he does eventually accept your ping, I suggest not reading too much into it, and I suggest not writing terrible yet catchy pop songs in his DMs.* Hitting the “accept” button doesn’t mean he feels the same way or has been thinking about you too, it means “Oh, hello, it was nice meeting you.” He has ways to let you know if he’s into you, you won’t have to nudge him into it.

The way you are feeling, like you have an overwhelming crush and can’t stop thinking about him, might be something called limerence. Limerence is not always always romantic, people get “be my friend!” limerence and fannish limerence about entertainers and strong attachments to coworkers or bosses or teachers.

Limerence doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t real or that you shouldn’t have them. What makes it limerence and not just “love” or “attraction” is that the feelings are distracting, sometimes to the point of being painful, and the intensity is out of proportion to the situation or degree of reciprocity from the other person. In other words, even if the limerence is inspired by someone who likes you just fine, they aren’t obsessed with you the same way, and they aren’t behaving with the same kind of intensity and focus. The big mistake people make when they’re in limerence’s grip is thinking that the intensity of their feelings is meaningful in a way that obligates other people. It’s like those old stories about being “struck by Cupid’s arrow,” you assume that this arrow sticking out of your back is visible to everyone, and it must have been put there for a reason.

When it happens to me (and it has happened to me) it’s usually a sign that something else about the person or the situation is lighting me up. I like learning, I like thinking, and I like making art, so when I meet someone in the context of doing those things, and the learning/thinking/art-making clicks into place, like here is stuff I never thought about or understood before, or here is the best I’ve ever been at making art, I want to crawl into those a-ha! moments and never come out. And that person feels like the source of the magical feeling, even if the magic is mostly in me.

So maybe think about the context you met this guy in. You were away from home and all your usual routines, in a new place, probably a beautiful place, surrounded by nifty people who were having a great time. You were all dressed up, you looked amazing, you felt amazing, and you noticed someone who also noticed you, and when you got closer, he wasn’t just nice to look at, he could also keep up with you and make jokes. Is that because this man is your destiny? Who knows? Probably not. Is how good you felt, and are still feeling, maybe a giant flashing sign that you need more of that place, more vacation in general, more of that color you wore that brings out your eyes, more parties, more reasons to dress up, more flirting, more motivation to seek out places and experiences outside of your usual haunts? It would be easy to find out, since you can go after more of those things whether or not this one gentleman ever gets back to you.

[*If you would like two more TikTok songs that make me bark-laugh every time I think of them, they are: 1) Linger, by the Cranberries, except it’s about a little worm  and 2) Jack and Diane, but all the lyrics are “sucking on a chili dog.” The Internet can be a dark place, but truly we live in a glorious time when so many beautiful weirdos can delight other weirdos.]

Let’s move on.

#1395: I asked someone out and it didn’t go well. Should I have been more confident?

Dear Captain Awkward,

In this scenario. Keep in mind I have spoken to her when we would go out at night for dinners with a group of friends but we were not that close but we spoke when we could. Though I believe to have caught some feelings for this woman. I approached her as she was still working and I had a small talk at first to see how she was doing then asked if she would be free sometime this week to eat which she then checked her current roster and responded with “I’ll see if my sister is free this day” then I replied with “ok” and walked off.

But that was not the response I was hoping for because I Initially just wanted it to be me and her to which I made it more clearer that I just wanted to be me and her.

This has been on my mind for a few months but I was afraid to ask because I was never sure if she was already seeing someone. As I stared blankly in front of her thinking, she stared at me to which I replied “I’m thinking” then she responded “what are you thinking about?” That’s when I asked if she would be down to go and eat with me and just her. Which she then responded “I’m seeing someone.” I of course respectfully accepted it and didn’t know how to really feel but awkward. But I did feel a bit sad but I thought I’d take the chance which did not turn out the best lol. But I still said I am still down to go eat with you guys (her and the sister) to which she replied “Ok.”

I am sure she is seeing someone, but just your opinion from this would I have needed to be more confident if so how would I approach this better? (I do hope that scenario makes sense I am not the best at story-telling)

Hello, your story made sense to me, or, at least here is how I am reading it:

There is a lady you know from a friend group and see sometimes where she works (or maybe where both of you work, but she definitely works there). You asked her to dinner, and she said yes, but also that she would invite her sister. Either she didn’t register that you were asking her on a date, or she did, and wanted to fend that off as a possibility by including her sister. You were like, cool, but then you thought more about it and were like, not cool actually, so you went back to clarify that you would like to take her on a DATE-date, just the two of you. So she told you no, because she is seeing someone. And your question is, would this have gone differently if you’d been more confident?

I think it would have gone differently if she liked you that way and wanted to go on a date with you. If you’d been more confident somehow, you would have have gotten the same answer, because she doesn’t. If you’d been less confident, and she was really into you, she would have said yes. Her feelings are the deciding factor, not your skills.

I think you did just fine, and I think it turned out just fine. You asked, she answered, you clarified, she answered again, and now you know. Nobody is mad, nothing is broken, she just doesn’t like you that way.

But we’re here, so let’s talk about what “more confident” even means. What would more confident look like for you?

There is a whole industry that wants to teach people, especially men [You supplied no pronouns, but I feel about 99% sure in this assumption, please correct me if I’m wrong], that being confident about dating is the most important and attractive thing you can be, and that confidence in dating comes from the wording, the timing, the strategy, and swagger of the approach, like, “Buy ‘Swain, Swoon, Swive: Gaston’s Guaranteed Gambits For Winning The Heart Of That Weird Girl In Your Town, by Gaston, just $39.99!”  Sing with me:

NO ONE FLIRTS LIKE GASTON

NO ONE BLURTS LIKE GASTON

NO ONE’S MUSCLES POP OUT OF HIS SHIRTS LIKE GASTON

HE’S SO SMOOTH THAT IT’S KINDA IN-TIM-I-DATING

HIS EGO’S SO SWOLE IT RESISTS DE-FLATING

But whether it’s innate or store-bought, all the confidence in the world does not cancel out that an entire other human being might be just as confident about saying “Oh, thank you so much, but no.” As a woman who has mostly dated men, when I think of people I met who were especially confident in a sexy way, it mostly boils down to three things:

1. They were forthright and specific. “I would like to take you on a date, will you go to dinner with me next week?” I didn’t have to guess what they wanted. They didn’t pressure me. They asked me a yes or no question.

2. They made it safe to say “no.” And I wish I didn’t mean “safe” quite so literally, but also they didn’t make me feel weird about it, because they could handle rejection. They didn’t treat me differently or expect me take to care of their feelings of rejection after I said it. “No worries! I had to ask. Anyway, watching anything good lately?” They took me at my word, and didn’t keep pushing me to change my mind, so we could run into each other in the future without lingering awkwardness. In other words, they were confident to put the ball in my court, and leave it there.

3. They liked women, not just the ones they wanted to sleep with. No “you’re not like other girls” shit. No treating women who they considered too old or otherwise outside their criteria for what kind of girlfriend they wanted like NPCs. No transactional “nice guy” friendships. If we didn’t date or hook up, I was still a person they liked, not a failed investment in niceness that hadn’t paid sex dividends in a timely manner.

Next time you ask someone out, you could be more specific and clear the first time. You might feel more confident, you might appear more confident, and you’re more likely to get a clear answer right away, so immediately there’s less anxiety and stewing — for everybody–about what it all means.

But the only way you’re getting a different answer is if a) you ask someone else the question b) that someone else wants to go on a date.

The way to display confidence with this particular lady is to accept that she said no and stop asking. Keep being as friendly, chill, polite, and affable as you’ve always been when you run into each other. Assume that if she changes her mind at any point, she will let you know. (People do not forget who asked them on dates, so assume that she neither needs nor want reminders.) More confidence won’t make her go out with you, but a lack of confidence here could make her not want to go anywhere near you. You’ve done great so far, and I’m confident that you’ll be cool and not mess this part up.

P.S. Also, hey, before we go, psssst, what’s the deal with the sister? Is she single? Is she cute? Is your crush calling in an emergency chaperone or is she trying to pull off a successful foist*? I wouldn’t assume anything about it, and sister stuff can get weird, so if you follow through with that dinner, assume that everybody’s just being friendly until someone tells you, out loud, in words, that they’re not. Just, the other thing about my list about Confident-Yet-Unswived-People  is that those were the people that I felt confident about inviting to parties and introducing to other people I knew, because I knew that they could hang and wouldn’t do anything creepy. Since you share a friend group, there are worse reputations than “Guy who will ask you on a date and then be totally chill about it afterward.”

*“Feint, Foist, Feast! What To Do When She’s Not The One For You But Her Buddy Might Like Ya” coming soon from Gaston, author of Swain, Swoon, Swive. $39.99 plus shipping and handling, bulk discounts may be available.

Two down, one to go:

#1396: “Well, I *did* have a crush.”

Dear Captain Awkward, 

I am a teenager and my crush told everyone in class that I like him. Basically people are avoiding me these days.And it is just the start of my journey in this new school. What can I do to make more friends? Should I just pretend nothing happened?

BUDDY!!!!! MY CAPSLOCK KEY GOT SWITCHED ON AGAIN BUT IT’S OKAY BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO FEEL HOW MUCH I AM HUGGING YOU WITH MY MIND RIGHT NOW! ALSO GASTON IS HERE AND HE SAYS SOMETIMES IT GOES LIKE THAT, IS THERE ANYTHING NEARBY YOU COULD PUNCH, OR WRESTLE, OR QUAFF AN ENTIRE FLAGON OF IN ONE GULP, THAT ALWAYS MAKES GASTON FEEL BETTER.

Buddy. This sucks. I am so sorry this happened to you. I wish I could promise things at this school will never be as embarrassing as they are right now, but I’m not gonna brightside* ya.

I am going to tell you that if your crush was mocking you for the crime of…liking him…he might be kind of a bully. If his mocking was enough to send your classmates scattering away from you in all directions, is it that he’s so popular that everyone is on his side, or is it that they’re relieved it was your turn to get bullied this time, and they’re fleeing the danger zone? As things settle down – and things will settle down, if there’s one thing school does provide, it’s a steady supply of embarrassment theater, you may be the hot newcomer to watch, but the awkward years are all around you. Anyway, as things settle down, watch how your former crush treats other people, and look around for other people who do not like this person, at all. They may not become your friends, but they’re less likely to be enemies.

You could keep pretending nothing happened, but my other advice is for you to own it. Don’t bring it up, but if people keep harping on it, say “Yep, I did have a crush, I’m cured now.””Uh, why is this interesting?””Well, when you have a crush, let me know, I’ll bring popcorn, maybe you can win Most Excruciating Fifth Period next time.”

You didn’t do anything wrong! Adopt the attitude that you liked somebody, he didn’t like you back, so what, what the fuck is wrong with this school that that’s a major news event? “New kid likes boy, realizes he’s kind of a dick, study hall at eleven.” If you’re still in touch with good friends from your old school, this might be a good week to call them.

And now, a final message from our special guest and sponsor, Gaston:

:jaunty music cue, it’s the Gaston song from the original animated Beauty and the Beast:

:music fades down, cheery podcast/radio announcer voice kicks in:

“People everywhere are talking about Brightside, Upside, Backside: Nine Workouts To Kick-start Your Heart And Strut A Butt So Magnificent It Will Steal Her Eyes Right Outta That Book And Steal Her Heart, Back, From Some Fucking Sorcerer-Furry With A Cool Castle And No Friends (Unless Talking Ceramics Count As Friends Which They Don’t, But Gaston Is Your Friend, Always), written by none other than Gaston, with a foreword from Gaston. This full-color collector’s volume also comes with an interactive CD-Rom containing Gaston’s best omelet recipes, how to recycle all those eggshells into an indestructible shelter you can build with your bare hands, step-by-step tutorials for favorite flexes you can do from the comfort and safety of your indestructible protein hive, and now, for the first time ever, Gaston’s complete gallery of mirror-selfies. The basic edition is just $39.99, plus shipping and handling, or you can get the deluxe edition, where the selfie gallery projects as life-sized holograms of Gaston that bellow affirmations and sing the classic song about Gaston, but with your name instead of Gaston.

:an audio sample plays in the background of the Gaston song, but every “Gaston” is replaced by a guy’s voice saying “Josh.” There is a distinct, metallic pause before and after each “Josh” like when you leave a voice mail and there’s an automatic robot voice message like “Please leave a message for….Bethany….after the tone” and the Bethany is in Bethany’s voice:

:music cue:

No one’s slick as… [JOSH]…
No one’s quick as… [JOSH]…
No one’s neck’s as incredibly thick as …[JOSH]….

:announcer voice continues over the music:

“All this can be yours for only $59.99, local sales taxes may apply. If you order in the next three minutes, Gaston promises he will…

:the sound gets muffled, we can hear still the announcer pretty clearly, and there’s another voice in the background, very loud, but too garbled to understand:

…What’s that, Gaston? Speak up. Oh, no, no, okay, wow, your voice is really loud, and this room is so small, that’s incredibly impressive…yeah, I think we could safely use the words “mighty roar”…’k…’got it…these mics you bought are SO sensitive…no, amazing choice, dude, as usual, no one shops like Gaston, no one bops like Gaston, no one wears fetching little crop tops like Gaston…Aw, come on, are you being serious? Of course I noticed. Bro, you look awesome! No, I’m not high-fiving you again, and ixnay on the istf-umps-bay, remember what the lawyer said, you need to stick with verbal appreciation only...anyway, I don’t need thanks for just saying the truth!

:announcer voice becomes clear again:

Ahem, anyway, Gaston says that for anyone who orders the deluxe edition of Brightside, Upside, Backside in next three minutes, he will personally arm-wrestle you or any man, woman, child, beast, spirit, or uncanny being you designate, the only catch is that it has to be on this plane, in this universe, he doesn’t want an avatar of Michelle Yeoh whooping his ass again, those googly eyes take forever to get off once they’re stuck on good.”

:unclear rumbling and grunting in background, announcer voice is muffled but still audible:

“Oh no, was I not supposed to mention that? Sorry, bro, I don’t think you should be embarrassed, she’s one tough lady, I would be proud to have the shit kicked out of me by …no, it’s an expression, I know all your poops were still inside you after the fight, no one hits like Gaston, no one spits like Gaston, no one heats up a warm bowl of grits like Gaston…No, it’s your turn to make lunch, I did it yesterday. All right, I won’t bring up the time Michelle Yeoh wrecked you and left you for dead in a faerie ring of plastic eyes anymore. I won’t. I said I won’t and I won’t. Look, I gotta say the phone number for the people, or they won’t be able to order the…Why don’t you do some leg-presses for a sec while I wrap this up….”

:recording trails off:

I never want to pressure Letter Writers to send in updates, but it’s nice to receive them. In late 2022, the writer of #1358 sent in some great news and authorized me to post it here:

“I have wanted to write in with an update for a little while now, and now I can, because I finally got this news I was waiting for: Today I found out I passed my state’s bar exam!

My life has changed so much since I wrote in last fall. I graduated from law school. I took the bar exam. I moved back to my hometown, into my own apartment. I started my first job as a lawyer, as a professional instead of a student.

I found a therapist who taught me how to set reasonable boundaries and schedules, how to deal with the horrible feelings and memories I couldn’t make sense of. I got diagnosed with PTSD and OCD pretty quickly. I got therapy and meds that helped me feel more even-keeled. I am starting to learn how to stop hurting myself. I found some good doctors, and I got diagnosed with some other chronic physical illnesses that developed, apparently, as a result of truly harmful physical stress on my body for so long. They’re hard to deal with sometimes. But I deal with them. I take my meds, and I try to cook things that are good for me, and I go for long walks and I go to the gym, and I go to bed early, and when I panic I try to just wait it out, and mostly I feel safe.

I got an apartment that’s in my own space but near my parents. I go over to their house for dinner once a week or so. I call my mom to tell her how my days are. I help my dad with projects he’s working on. I listen to REM like he always did when I was a kid. I’m not totally sure about going back to church yet, but I can sit near my window and pray. I have a quiet, clean, perfect little space where I live with my dog. My bed is covered by a quilt my grandmother made me. My boyfriend comes over sometimes (my boyfriend!) and he is solid and steady and kind, and I think that maybe I can still love. Every day I wake up and take my dog outside and look at the river and feel the wind and listen to the geese, and I feel safe.

I got a job where I have my own little office, with a big window and a door that shuts if I need it to, and I get to do what I’ve been trained to do and what I’m really good at now. I work on a small team, and my coworkers are kind and smart and friendly. My boss sends me home if I stay even a few minutes past 5 p.m. He doesn’t call me at weird hours. He doesn’t mind if I have to leave for an appointment during the workday. He doesn’t corner me. He lets me work at my own pace, he lets me work how I like to work. Sometimes people at the office tell me I’ve done a good job on something. I’ve learned that I like to talk to the people I work with; I’ve learned that even when I’m feeling anxious, it’s okay to go to work and sit in my office and focus on breathing and maybe only do a little bit that day. Nobody seems to mind. My boss makes me laugh, I think because he’s trying to get me to chill out a little bit, and I feel safe. 

When I was a kid I begged my parents for horseback riding lessons, which were short-lived but the most free I’ve ever felt. I started riding again — I found a riding club and a family willing to lease me a horse on the weekends. I ride with them on Saturdays, and I bake cinnamon rolls to bring them as a thank you, and I talk to friends from all over, of all different ages and occupations, and I love them. I get to literally gallop across open fields, I get to let it take my breath away, and I feel safe.

Things are still hard. It’s hard to take care of myself sometimes. Some nights I wake up terrified, not breathing. Some days I still can’t call what my professors did “abuse”; some days I still can’t call what that other student did “rape.” Sometimes I’m so furious about what they did to me I think it’ll kill me. But for the most part, that fire in me doesn’t burn me to death. For the most part, it keeps me alive. My friend told me once that I can be like the burning bush: aflame but never consumed. There isn’t really an “old” me to go back to, a version of me from before all of this that I can access. But there is a version of me that gets to choose what she does, and she is choosing to connect with the things she always loved, and she feels safe.

I passed the bar exam, and I’m a lawyer now, and that means the escape plan I set in motion years ago without really knowing why I felt like I had to escape has finally, finally, finally come to pass. I did it. They can never blow my life up ever again. I know what they did to me. I didn’t have any power over it. That hurts. But I get to say what I was made for. I get to say what I do. I don’t know if I’m making all the right choices yet, but I’m the one making the choices. I’m going to bed tonight without something clawing at my chest. Thank you (and Amy) for giving me the words and the tools I needed to make that happen.”

Congratulations on passing the bar. Congratulations on saving your own life. Congratulations for building a life where there is fulfilling work and also dogs and horses and love and quilts and days of working on projects and listening to music with your dad. And thanks again to guest adviser and badass author Amy Gentry, who knows a little something about harnessing the fire inside.

Dear Captain,

I have been very happily married for eleven years while also happily having an affair, without my husband’s knowledge, for ten years. The truth is it doesn’t take a web of elaborate lies to hide something if your partner doesn’t push to know the hidden life you don’t want to reveal. That has given me the freedom to enjoy holidays with my lover as well as my husband. Both of the men in my life are successful, handsome and love me, as I love them. And the sex is great with both of them. Of course, the women whom I consider my friends hate me for this and also think I am squandering the lives of both men I am happily entangled with. The truth is they both make me feel special and happy and I carry that into both of my relationships. If my husband found out tomorrow that I have had a lover for this past decade, I think he would forgive me as my lover would forgive the occasional fling I have without his knowledge. I’m happy but am I destined to always live under the negative judgment of other women?

I’m curious, so I’ll bite, but I have more questions for you than answers and you might leave with the judgment of your friends + the entire internet in your back pocket instead of whatever “You go girl!” encouragement you were maybe hoping for. If you’d like more questions and opinions than suggestions, read on!

I don’t hand out scarlet letters around here. People are messy, and I don’t necessarily think all cheaters are inherently evil or irredeemably broken. But if I had to pick three things that cheaters, especially serial and long-term cheaters, are extremely good at, those things would be 1) magical thinking, 2) making excuses, and 3) magical thinking and excuses specifically about consent, and those three things are all over your letter.

My ethical problems with cheating have nothing to do with church or state, they’re pretty much consent problems. Relationships between consenting adults require the full, informed, transparent consent of everyone in them. If you also value consent, then what’s stopping you from telling your husband about your lover and asking outright for an open relationship? You say you’re pretty sure he would “forgive” you, though forgiveness isn’t the same agreeing to continue a relationship in light of new information. But if this is all so harmless, if everyone’s so blissfully happy, why not negotiate an agreement where everybody knows the risks, everybody has agency, everybody can be maximally protected, and nobody has to lie? As long as your husband doesn’t know what he’s really agreed to, then you don’t have his consent.

Then, you’re giving us the classic argument, that as long as your husband is happy, what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him. And that is incorrect on so many levels. Bluntly, if your husband believes the two of you have been each other’s only sex partners for the last decade, and you’ve let him continue believing that this whole time, then you’ve been risking his health, and possibly his life, without his consent. (And since you phrased it that your lover “would” forgive the occasional side quest, not that he *did* forgive them, you’re on shaky consent ground there as well).

If you’ve been scrupulous about regular testing and strict about condom use and other safer sex practices for the last decade, I’m relieved (skeptical, but relieved). If there haven’t been any STI scares so far, then I’m very relieved. But that’s doesn’t mean it’s all fine, it means you’ve been lucky, so far. Your husband can’t possibly make good decisions about his own sexual health, his own risk tolerance, or how to best protect himself if he doesn’t know about potential risks posed by your lover, your flings, their lovers, their flings, etc. If he doesn’t know what he’s consenting to, then he can’t consent.

Plus, consent isn’t just about sex. Your friends have called you out for “squandering the lives” of both men you’re involved with, and I don’t know all the details, but I can visualize their point. There are married people who lie about their intentions, and if you’re one of them, that’s a problem. But let’s assume that your lover has always known that you’re married and plan to stay that way and nobody is stringing anyone along. That means that over the the last decade, your lover has been able to make informed choices about how he wants to invest his time, effort, money, etc. into a relationship with you. What happens if he meets someone else, what happens if one or both of you decides you want or don’t want children, what happens in case of emergencies or big life events? Since you both know the true shape of your relationship, you can make decisions together with all the information in front of you.

Your husband doesn’t know that he spent the last ten years living in a triad. If he’d known, maybe he’d have done a lot of things differently. With his money. With his time. With his romantic and career choices. With his reproductive choices. With decisions about where to live, where to spend the holidays and family events, how to best support and care for aging parents and other family members, and all the other priorities and compromises that come when you join lives with somebody else. Instead, you let him make these huge decisions about his life without having all the relevant information, while you and this entire other secret dude had all the facts, including the facts about him.

If you had come clean ten years ago, and asked for the kind of relationship you truly wanted, maybe you’d have gotten divorced and found different happy lives eventually, or maybe your husband would have surprised you and found a way to make it work. Maybe he’d enjoy having other partners, too, but has refrained out of respect for his promises to you. Maybe he’s had his own secret side thing going this whole time and this is a Horny Gift Of The Sexual Magi situation. Asking for what you truly want carries risk of not getting it, but by not asking you’ve risked both your futures, ensuring that you’ll both keep living in a marriage based on assumptions instead of ever truly knowing each other. Ten years is a long enough time that even the most jealousy-averse, most adoring, most loyal, most sexually adventurous spouse in the world might have a hard time getting over feeling like he’s been robbed of his choices. Who are you to decide what someone else needs to be happy, and what they need to know?

But you insist that you’re happy, he’s happy, everyone’s happy, and this is really a problem about your judgmental female friends. Sure, let’s go with that, but I’m not sure we’re going to get any closer to what you want to hear.

I based the post title on the subject line of your email, but is it truly just women who judge you? Do you have male friends* who know what’s up in your love life? How do they feel about it? [*Note: Any friend of any gender who has had sex with you during your marriage is  automatically disqualified due to conflict of interest.]

Next thing I’m wondering is, how many of the friends you feel judged by also know your husband? How many of them are not just your friends, but “our” friends, part of your joint social circle as a couple? How many of them were at your wedding? How many of them were in your wedding? How intertwined are you, your husband, and your friends with each other’s partners, coworkers, hobby spaces, communities, and families? Are you asking people to lie to a friend for their friend?

You say it doesn’t take “an elaborate web of lies” to hide your affair, but asking people who are friends with both you and your husband to keep your secret for the last ten out of eleven years means asking them to participate in at least one pretty big, never-ending lie. Along with questioning your choices, your friends aren’t unreasonable for having questions about your integrity or for being uneasy about what keeping your secrets for another ten years might reveal about their own integrity. If you’d lie about something this big, for this long, to someone you love so much, is it really silly or unfair to wonder what else you’d lie about, if you thought it was in your own interest, or if you assumed the other person couldn’t handle the truth?

Obviously you’re free to continue whatever domestic and sexual arrangements make you happy, but one consequence of doing just as you like and telling everyone you know (except the person most affected by your choices) is the risk that not everyone will share your casual approach to consent or be a willing accomplice to your selective notion of truth.

Is that really surprising? This isn’t about “destiny,” it’s not about women tearing each other down, it’s not about your friends being insufficiently sex positive or sophisticated or jealous of your ability to lock down two hot guys, and I don’t think it’s all that complicated. You told your friends some stuff they didn’t want to know, and now they’re telling you stuff you don’t want to hear. People can love you and want you to be happy and also think you’re making some shitty decisions. Sometimes it goes like that. At least they care enough to tell you to your face?

Now that you know how your friends feel, you may want to apologize for putting them in an awkward position and do a consent check before sharing any more details or involving them in more secrets and lies. You may also want to choose different confidantes in future. If support and a safe place to process your feelings is what you’re after, consider a therapist who is bound by confidentiality and at least a starting agreement that your side of any story is the one that counts. If approval, solidarity, and swapping juicy secrets with people who are in similar circumstances is what you need, maybe search the internet for places that provide both community and anonymity. (Your guess is as good as mine for where to start looking, but you’ve got a working internet connection and if you can dream it, then chances are strong that somebody’s already built it.) If you mostly need a place to organize your thoughts, they sell paper journals with locks and electronic journals with passwords, so write it down, lock it up, and let your own judgment suffice.

I’m not sure if this is what you wanted, but it’s what I’ve got. And as a P.S., in my experience it’s better to climb down from an unstable situation on your own schedule and terms than it is to crash down when it collapses under its own weight, so I hope you’ll be safe out there if nothing else.

If the title doesn’t fully get it across, content warnings for violence, transmisogyny, and general “here there be assholes, ye navigate around them by naming what they do” vibes.

Hello Captain!

I (they/them) am in a relationship with a lovely transfeminine musician & organizer (she/her) who holds a lot of space for very traumatized people, sometimes to her detriment. She has a friend/professional connection, who I shall call Garment (they/them).

I have met Garment twice and they have been nothing but pleasant to me but their reputation precedes them. They are transmisogynistic, they are an alcoholic and very mean when drunk, they have a dark past that they tell people about in great detail on first introduction, and my girlfriend has a permanent scar from where they bit her when she was trying to prevent them from driving drunk. Apparently they made up over the biting incident, but I still don’t trust Garment (and Garment knows I hate them). 

The other night I was spending time at my girlfriend’s with a mutual friend of ours, one I’ve known since before we both transitioned (let’s call her Cindy, she/her). Garment came over to visit and Cindy agreed to stay at theirs later that night. While Garment was out my girlfriend and I warned Cindy extensively of Garment’s past behavior. Cindy stayed over anyway and Garment got drunk, put on a movie about a man cannibalizing women and getting his penis bitten off for it, and said that Cindy only found it off-putting because she’s “not AFAB.” After that they talked about their harrowing history of experiencing sexual violence from men, and complained that my girlfriend lords the biting incident over them but really they could have bitten her much harder. 

Cindy feels horrible and unstable, my girlfriend feels guilty and doesn’t know what to do (I’ve suggested “enact social consequences for this kind of shit” but easier said than done obviously), and I’m trying to curb my judgment at both of them since this is fundamentally Garment’s fault and my girlfriend is just as much a victim of their behavior.  I have no role here but for the fact that I only know them for gleefully mistreating people I care about. Are we doomed to deal with this violent freak forever? Can they be chased away or is my girlfriend doomed to have to constantly warn people of their nonsense?

Sincerely,

Norm L. Person 

Dear Norm. L.,

Thanks for your letter. You’re bang on about social consequences being one of the only ways to successfully deal with the Garments of the world. And there are lots of ways to enact and enforce those.

Before I just start singing “There Must Be 50 Ways To Ban Your Biter,” let’s review some terms so everybody reading knows what we’re talking about. The Missing Stair as first described by Cliff at The Pervocracy, is a regular in a social circle (kink scene, subculture, friend group, workplace, creative community, activist space, or what have you) who presents a safety hazard due to a history of sketchy behavior, poor boundaries, consent violations, emotional, sexual, and physical abuse, and other kinds of toxic behavior. Unlike Schrödinger’s Jackass (a newcomer who may or may not turn out to be a jerk upon further acquaintance), longtime group members and event organizers in the scene know that the Missing Stair is bad news, but instead of kicking them out, they try to put safeguards around the problem person, like warning newcomers to move around the gaping hole in the staircase instead of through it.

Back to your letter. If I’m understanding events correctly, Cindy is a long-time friend of both you and your girlfriend, but she didn’t know Garment or had not spent significant time with them until everybody met up at your girlfriend’s house the other day. For reasons I cannot currently account for, Cindy planned to stay overnight at Garment’s place, so you and your girlfriend dutifully unfurled the scroll of “Reasons Why Garment Sucks And Should Not Be Trusted,” but Cindy was undeterred.

From there, events unfolded suckily, as advertised. Garment, who sometimes gets so drunk that they bite people, invited Cindy over, got a similar amount of drunk, forced her to watch a film about graphic sexual violence and people who bite people, monologued extensively about sexual violence  and biting people. And who’s “lording” what now? “By the way, the last time I bit someone in real life, I really could have done it much harder.” That’s allllllll on Garment, from where I sit.

Then, after hours of drunk rape history and and drunk remembrance of bites past, Garment blamed their guest’s dismay on…:checks notes:…some bold, inappropriate, and frankly downright TERF-y assumptions about whatever the person who filled out Cindy’s birth certificate glimpsed inside her very first diaper. Sounds fun, and not at all aggressive, ominous, or deliberately threatening!

While I still have many, many, many questions about whose idea was it for Cindy to stay at Garment’s place, you mentioned both doom and social consequences, and it’s probably time to talk about what some of those might look like.

First, Cindy has a very interesting choice right now. She was warned about how much Garment sucks, and after the full Chez Garment experience, she knows firsthand, no Schrödinger about it. So what to do?

If Cindy chooses to shrug off the other night, minimize her own discomfort, and keep subjecting herself to an unkind, uncool, unfunny, unsafe person she dislikes in order to smooth things over for your girlfriend’s sake, then “doom” looks like someday when Cindy’s the one researching “vitamin E or silicone adhesives for bite marks (human)” and unfurling Garment’s Scroll of Warning, Now With Even More Warning for the next shiny new cool person. Doom is when all of you put another layer of metaphorical gaff tape down where the stairs have splintered under the weight of normalizing Garment’s behavior, and hope the next person doesn’t fall in.

But that’s not the only option!  If Cindy decides, nope, never doing that again, she could message Garment and say, “You were so kind to put me up the other night, but I don’t think we’re compatible as friends and I’d prefer not to stay in touch in the future,” and then block every single number, email, and social media profile, and never look back. The social consequence is, people don’t like assholes and might not hang out with you more than once if they think you are one. If Garment gets upset, that’s not Cindy’s problem. Sometimes you meet people who just don’t like you and there’s no pretending that they do, oh well! Not everyone is meant to be friends!

Boundaries work best when direct, specific requests are backed up by consistent actions (consequences) when and if those limits are not respected.

A boundary: “Hi, Norm L. and Girlfriend!  I’ve already told Garment that I don’t think we should be friends, so I figure I’d tell you as well. I loved catching up with you both, and I’d love to do it again sometime, but not if Garment will also be there, so let’s make plans for just us from now on.”

Some consequences:  Decline invitations that also include Garment or take place in environments where Garment is likely to be. Do not explain or negotiate, just automatically RSVP “Another time, perhaps!” and follow up later to plan something else.

Sometimes gentle reminders are necessary. “That sounds great, but you said ‘a couple of people’ are getting together, so I just want to double-check. Is Garment also invited? Oh, in that case, count me out. Uh-huh, I know you care about them, and I hope they have in fact ‘changed a lot,’ but one evening in their company was more than enough for me, and that’s going to be a ‘forever’ rule I’m afraid.”

Make an action plan in case a hangout is already underway and Garment shows up unexpectedly, which doesn’t have to be a big confrontation or scene.“Oh hello, Garment, you’re looking well.”  Politely get up, go the restroom, wait 5 minutes in case it really is a quick errand. If, upon departing the bathroom, Garment’s ass is touching furniture, or their hand is holding a beverage? “Oh, hey, I was just about to get on the road, so I’ll leave you all to it. Have a great night!” Then leave. Don’t explain or negotiate. Everybody knows exactly why. “I had a lovely time, thanks, but it’s time for me to go.”

Once Cindy’s boundary is set at “I don’t spend time with Garment, period,” there’s no need to argue or convince anybody of anything. She’s in control of the situation and can absent herself anytime.

If your lovely girlfriend keeps trying to force the issue, Cindy may need to reconsider how much she wants to stick around in a friendship where tolerating Garment is the price of admission, or where she can’t trust your girlfriend’s word that Garment won’t be there. Your girlfriend undoubtedly has her reasons for wanting to keep Garment in her life. She also has many options for maintaining bilateral, non-Garment relationships with others, same as for her non-asshole friends, since not everyone is destined to hit it off with everybody else. Does your girlfriend want to risk the social consequences of seeing Cindy less or damaging their friendship?

Your girlfriend feels guilty after the other night because on some level she knows that if she routinely inflicts somebody who requires a software license worth of caveats on innocent people, and those people hit “Dismiss” or “I decline,” and she keeps suggesting updates anyway, something’s bound to crash.

So if there’s a doom here, it’s this:  You asked if Garment “can be chased away.” And the answer is, no, not until somebody starts chasing. As long as your girlfriend includes Garment in the spaces she inhabits without setting limits or visiting consequences for bad behavior, Garment will stick to her like gum on the bottom of a shoe. To avoid this doom, your girlfriend can set boundaries:

• “Garment, you can drink if you want to, but not at my house, and not around me. Go home.” “Garment, you’re not invited, today I made plans with other friends. I’ll see you later.”
• “Garment, sure, we’ll watch the move you brought, but if we get 15 minutes in and nobody’s enjoying it, we’re watching something else.” [This script brought to you by an awful ex who loved to “surprise” me with “challenging” “material”  like Phantom of the Paradise, Re-animator, and many other things that really, really, REALLY require informed, ongoing, and yes, enthusiastic consent before infliction, and then arguing with me for hours when I didn’t love it. He and Garment would hit it off, is what I’m saying.]
  
• “Garment, hahahaha nice offer, but no. After last time, I’m not sending anyone home with you. [New Friend], you’re sleeping on our sofa.”
• “Garment, let me interrupt you. Now is not the time or place for that story, and you really need to check and make sure people consent before you share graphic or personal stuff.”

And she can enforce them with consequences: If Garment can’t be trusted to take no for an answer or behave, then Garment will be sent packing or not invited in the first place. Garment has choices, and if they want to maintain a friendship with your girlfriend, they can either follow some simple rules or GTFO!

My dear Norm L., I realize that I just typed out a lot of advice for Cindy, who didn’t write to me, and for your girlfriend, who also didn’t write to me, so what about you? I promise I didn’t forget you, I just thought it might be easier for you to ingest all my advice for you if you read it all as advice to Cindy first. Cindy doesn’t have to hang out with Garment if she doesn’t want to. Cindy doesn’t have to pretend that Garment’s behavior is acceptable. Cindy can just leave unpleasant situations anytime she wants to. Fuck yeah, Cindy! Oh, wait.

Cindy’s choices are your choices, too. “Girlfriend, you’re the boss of you, and if Garment is important to you, so be it. But I’m not spending time with them again, so please don’t ask me to.” “Oh, hey Garment, didn’t know you were stopping by! Wait, why are you taking off your coat? Oh, you’re staying. Uh-huh, well, that’s my cue, then. Good night!” 

There’s a double-bind here, the way there always is with bullies. If you stay away from Garment-heavy events and leave rooms whenever they walk into them, then you’re potentially leaving your girlfriend alone with an unsafe person, and Garment technically “wins.” Plus, leaving visits social consequences on your girlfriend, not the obvious problem person, who already knows of your loathing and doesn’t care. Ultimatums carry risk, as in, what if you ask your girlfriend to choose and she doesn’t choose herself/you? So there’s understandably going to be a strong a temptation to stick around and see if you can mitigate the situation, or at least hold your ground, or at least cosplay as an orange safety cone and warn everybody about the gap in the stairs.

You see the problem, right? At some point, somebody has to set a baseline for acceptable behavior and stick to it, or else join the tacit agreement that the Missing Stair may be an asshole, but at least their “our” asshole, and we know how to deal with them so nobody gets hurt. Nobody…except the people who didn’t get the warning in time, but we don’t talk about that, that’s all in the past. Nobody…except the people who silence their self-preservation instincts and erode their own integrity in order to remain in community with abusers. Nobody…except all the people who tend to “freeze” or “fawn” in the face of danger, who are conveniently* the only ones left after all the “fight” folks got tone policed out for “creating drama” and all the “flight” folks sensibly noped back down the stairs, never to be heard from again.

(*Conveniently for the bully, that is. “It didn’t kill me, so shut up, hold still, and let me make you stronger” is fucking great for manufacturing consent.)

You can only control your own choices, my dear Norm L., so what will it be? Complicity or consequences? The lady or the biter? Whatever you choose, choose it with your eyes open.

As I’ve been writing this draft, I  keep cutting and pasting this next part to see where it fits, and it fits nowhere and everywhere, so I’m putting it here: Trauma runs through your letter like the nervous system runs through the body. Your girlfriend “holds space for very traumatized people.” Garment overshares about their “dark past” and traumatic history with violence to dominate conversations and keep the attention on themselves. Cindy feels “horrible and unstable” after her experience. I have five opinions about trauma and Missing Stairs based more on experience than expertise, so use whatever you find useful:

1. It is possible to be both a trauma survivor and a bully.
2. Trauma, especially repeated exposure and long-term, ongoing trauma can erode a survivor’s sense of what’s normal and acceptable. In spaces where lots of trauma survivors tend to congregate (say, “queer and trans people,” “social justice organizers,” and “artists,” just for example), a charismatic bully can do a lot (!!!!!) of damage to total sweethearts who, through no fault of their own, have been conditioned to have a high tolerance for pain and little or no evidence that saying “no!” and “stop that!” would accomplish anything.
3. It is possible to have compassion and empathy for someone’s suffering without excusing or normalizing unacceptable behavior.
4. Bullies, predators, and other Missing Stair varietals thrive when the compassionate people around them assume that understanding and explaining the reasons for their bad behavior is necessary before (or worse, the same as/instead of) taking action to stop it.
5. There’s no perfect way to deal with a bully, because they ruin everything, but I suggest the following order of operations: Stop the harm now, take care of the targets now, contain and limit the bully’s power and access to do more harm now, and delve into the bully’s origin story later (if at all), when everybody is safe.

This has been yet another blog post that should probably be a book chapter about the Schrödinger’s-Jerkface-to-Missing Stair-pipeline. Speaking of, I have an actual deadline to turn an actual book draft in on February 27, so I’m closing the inbox to new questions until after then. Thank you, as always, for your patience.