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Valerie L

Hi there, it’s me, Jennifer, Captain Awkward, down one pesky uterus and gingerly climbing back on my bullshit.

Today we have the classic tale of the man who might leave his wife someday, just as soon as he finds someone who can pass the lengthy audition process.

It’s not easy to become This Fucking Guy’s Next Ex-Wife. First, there’s the initial chemistry read, where you provide the sex he’s not getting at home, followed by a series of callbacks where you demonstrate skills like shrinking your needs to a manageable (invisible) size and listening to story after story where he is a helpless victim of circumstance without laughing and telling him to get lost. Should that all go well, and should you prove flexible enough to schedule your entire life around his convenience, there’s just one final step: Proving that you, yourself, alone, can personally make up for all the ways every woman he has met have let him down in the past. Are you ready for the challenge?

Dear Captain Awkward:

I started sleeping with a married man about 6 months ago.

He told me his wife was asexual and agreed to him having girlfriends. About 2 months into the relationship, we crossed the “I love you” boundary.

Now he’s going back and forth on how serious he wants to be. He says he’s going to leave his wife but he doesn’t know when. A few years ago, he separated from his wife and moved in with his girlfriend and a month later she left him and went back to her ex so he has trust issues. I told him I would never do that but he’s not making any future plans for us. I know we haven’t been together that long and I don’t want to break up his marriage but if I leave, I would have lied to him and I don’t want to do that either. I don’t know what to do.

Should I leave or stay? 

Hello and thank you for your question!

Hypothesis: I think you should leave.

Supporting evidence: Pretty much every word out of his mouth as related by you.

Method: Boundaries will set you free.

He told me his wife is asexual and agreed to him having girlfriends.”  “He says he’s going to leave his wife but he doesn’t know when.”

So…which is it? He left his wife once already, and is theoretically planning to do it again for you, but also, his wife is totally okay with him dating outside the marriage and has presented no obstacle to your whirlwind romance so far. Huh.

As mating calls go, “It’s okay, my wife says I’m allowed to have sleepovers!” has some pitfalls, one being that it can be used equally by ethical people who are openly seeking non-monogamous relationships, lying cheaters who lie, and by people who, even when truthful about their advertised status (separated, “consciously uncoupling,” non-monogamous, “it’s complicated,” etc.), manage to be juuuuuuuust available enough to tempt you into ignoring your better judgment, and just married enough that they can’t really make any big commitments or promises right now. They’re a little bit single, even when they’re not, and they tend to be very good at 1) keeping their options open and 2) using “honesty” the way Wonder Woman uses magic bracelets: to deflect.

Four panel Anakin-Padme meme, from right to left. Anakin: You are the love of my life. Padme: So I can meet your friends and family, right? Anakin: Stares Intensely Padme: I can meet your friends and family, right?

He told you, and you believe him, no problem, for the bulk of this post I’m going to believe him, too, mostly because he doesn’t need to be lying for this to still be a bad idea. But I think it’s worth a gut check. Aside from what he’s told you, what other evidence do you have that he’s not just cheating and lying about that? Independent confirmation from his wife, perhaps, or from the other friends and family members he’s introduced you to during the last six months?

You’re planning a “serious” future together, so you’ve met at least some of the most important people in each other’s lives, right? You’re in his phone under your real name, you can schedule hangouts without cloak-and-dagger, you know where he works, you’ve been to some of his favorite spots, you can hold hands in public without being danger of getting shoved into the shrubbery or introduced as a cousin if you run into someone he knows? Tagging him in a cute photo online doesn’t prompt a panicked search of fault vs. no fault divorce laws?

If asking those questions leads you somewhere you’d rather not be, are you truly okay with being in a secret relationship, where your partner lies about your existence and level of connection to someone he promised to cherish? To put it in terms of a boundary, if you decide, “I’m not interested in relationships where I have to keep secrets and tell lies,” where does it leave you?

Okay, from now on we’re officially assuming that he told the truth and his wife “agreed to” him having girlfriend(s). Technically I agreed to repay my student loans, doesn’t mean I’m wild about it. Did this agreement take place before or after he left her the last time? Was it an intentional, mutual decision from the start of their marriage or did he cheat on her first and decide later that she owed him this to “make up for” being asexual (in which case, yikes, dump him harder), so she agreed rather than lose him? Do you think he treats his wife with love and care, the way you would want to be treated if you were in her shoes?

Incidentally, how do you feel about monogamy? Does “getting more serious” mean that the two of you will be exclusive once he’s divorced? Is that what you want? (I think that might be what you want.) Does he know that? If you set “I want a committed relationship with a partner who will be faithful to me” as your boundary, does he still seem like a catch? If you were to decide on an open relationship from the start, what evidence do you have that he’d keep his promises to you, given that he’s secretly planning to leave the last person he made the same agreements with?

On all counts, I strongly suggest not making “what this guy has permission from someone else to do” into the measuring stick for what you want, need, and deserve from a relationship.

“…but he’s not making any future plans for us.”

My life got infinitely less confusing and stressful once I started applying a boundary called “I don’t plan my life around anyone whose plans don’t include me.” Until I learned, I labored under the fallacy that I could make plans that were so elegant, so superbly situated that the other party needn’t bother doing any planning at all, and all I needed to do was wait patiently for the right moment to give them their “gift.” Ta-daaaaaaa!

It didn’t work, mostly because people with healthy boundaries who were on a different schedule than I was were (rightly) freaked out by the sudden (to them) mismatch in intensity. It didn’t work even when it worked, because there’s actually a huge difference between actively wanting to be with me and being willing to follow the path of least resistance as long as it remains convenient or until something better comes along.

This guy told you outright:  “I am not making any future plans for us.”

I’ve never met him, nor am I particularly optimistic about his overall integrity, but on this topic, I believe him!

What happens if you take him at his word, and stop making future plans that depend on him? Apply The Sheelzebub Principle: If you knew things were going to stay pretty much exactly as they are, how much longer would you stay? Six more months? A year? Five years? If being able to plan a future with someone you can count on is important to you, it will soon clarify what must be done.

“About 2 months into the relationship, we crossed the ‘I love you’ boundary.”

Well, that escalated quickly!

I wonder. From the early stages of being together, did this guy talk a lot about the past, sharing intimate stuff about childhood traumas, dreams, fears (some of it inappropriately intimate relative to how long you’d known each other), and the future (daydreams for all the great stuff you’d do together someday)? And did he want to know absolutely everything about your past, and everything about your dreams for the future? And did it feel magical to be at once so fascinated and also so fascinating?

It’s a common trope that cis, straight men are generally bad at talking about feelings, extremely avoidant of anything that even hints of future commitment, and may or may not know where the clitoris is (or care to ever find out). So if you meet one who is very open and vulnerable about feelings without the application of an oyster knife, quick to jump into the future, and who can reliably make you glimpse the face of god when you sleep together, it must mean something special indeed. Like, come on, you weren’t asking for his hand in marriage when you got together, everyone was a grownup who knew what this was, he was the one who kept bringing up how cool it would be to meet your family and visit every single place you’d always dreamed of going. Why would anyone do that if they didn’t mean it? Answer: Because maybe he has nothing to offer you in the present tense.

How to say this? It’s not that he didn’t mean it. Chances are he did. You are wonderful and enchanting, you weren’t imagining it, it felt great to be in love. Just, sometimes “I love you” sounds likeI could be happy just doing laundry and taxes with you” when it really means “I want to binge you like a Netflix show.” A fascinating, novel escape from quotidian life, full of high drama and bright colors, with no need to leave the comfy couch that’s perfectly molded to your butt, and not expected to last more than a season or two. The intense, lightning-in-a-bottle intimacy of wanting to consume the fantasy of you is not the same as the kind of boring, reliable, consistent intimacy of actually building that life. Sorting through all the things he said and did to make the case that yes, he meant it, absent any concrete action from him to make it happen, will make you feel unhinged.

As a boundary? You can do worse than “Maybe I’ll take some action when I see some action.”

“something something about trust issues and if you dump him now you would have lied to him”

You are telling me that he left his entire wife, with all the attendant difficult conversations and expensive logistical nightmares of dissolving one household and making a new one, did all that again when he went back to her a month or so later, then he met you, is now secretly plotting to leave her again for you, and HE is the one with “trust issues” that YOU are responsible for managing? Who is the liar here? Not you! Who is the person who serially can’t make up his mind? Not you!

Oh, honey, no. No. Absolutely not. The lion, the witch, and the audacity of this man.

Let’s skip straight to the boundary: You are not responsible for how other people treated him in the past. If others treated him poorly, it’s not an excuse for him treating you poorly now, and you won’t agree to something that is not in your best interests as some kind of fucked-up reverse reparations for something you didn’t do. You have literally nothing to prove here. If you cut your losses now, and he blames you for breaking his “trust,” I guess you’ll have to add yourself to the very long list of women who couldn’t live up to his high ideals, oh well!

Please put this man back where you found him, preferably before you waste money and time on selecting a thoughtful holiday present and waiting around for him to sneak off to text you from the toilet at his in-laws’ annual holiday feast. You are not a placeholder, and he is not the one.

Valerie L Yesterday, 05:25PM · Tags: connect, fusevy, love, relationships
Valerie L

Edit: cancelled sorry, too few RSVPs. Let me know if you’re interested in coming in future, and any changes which would help

Hello everyone!

I haven’t run this meetup for a while, as a combination of my own health issues going on, plus what looked like reduced interest, but here we go again. Please can you definitely RSVP if you are coming, and I will cancel if there’s not enough people.

Obviously I will cancel if the situation changes or the rules change

5th November, 1pm, Royal Festival Hall, Southbank Centre, SE1 8XX.

We will be on Level 2 (the upper levels are closed to non-ticket-holders), but I don’t know exactly where on the floor. It will depend on where we can find a table. I will have my plush Chthulu which looks like this:

Please bring your masks/exemption lanyards, and obey any rules posted in the venue.

The venue has lifts to all floors and accessible toilets. The accessibility map is here:

The food market outside (side opposite the river) is pretty good for all sorts of requirements, and you can also bring food from home, or there are lots of cafes on the riverfront.

Other things to bear in mind:

  1. Please make sure you follow social distancing rules. This particularly includes respecting people’s personal space and their choices about distancing.
  2. We have all had a terrible time for the last two years. Sharing your struggles is okay and is part of what the group is for, but we need to be careful not to overwhelm each other or have the conversation be entirely negative. Where I usually draw the line here is that personal struggles are fine to talk about but political rants are discouraged, but I may have to move this line on the day when I see how things go. Don’t worry, I will tell you!
  3. Probably lots of us have forgotten how to be around people (most likely me as well), so here is permission to walk away if you need space. Also a reminder that we will all react differently, so be careful to give others space if they need.

I will cancel this meetup if government guidance changes, so keep an eye on this space.

Everyone who’s coming please make sure you take a lateral flow test (or PCR) the previous evening or that morning

Please RSVP so that I know there’s enough people not to need to cancel, and so I know to look out for you!

kate DOT towner AT gmail DOT com

Valerie L

Hello everyone!

I haven’t run this meetup for a while, as a combination of my own health issues going on, plus what looked like reduced interest, but here we go again. Please can you definitely RSVP if you are coming, and I will cancel if there’s not enough people.

Obviously I will cancel if the situation changes or the rules change

5th November, 1pm, Royal Festival Hall, Southbank Centre, SE1 8XX.

We will be on Level 2 (the upper levels are closed to non-ticket-holders), but I don’t know exactly where on the floor. It will depend on where we can find a table. I will have my plush Chthulu which looks like this:

Please bring your masks/exemption lanyards, and obey any rules posted in the venue.

The venue has lifts to all floors and accessible toilets. The accessibility map is here:

The food market outside (side opposite the river) is pretty good for all sorts of requirements, and you can also bring food from home, or there are lots of cafes on the riverfront.

Other things to bear in mind:

  1. Please make sure you follow social distancing rules. This particularly includes respecting people’s personal space and their choices about distancing.
  2. We have all had a terrible time for the last two years. Sharing your struggles is okay and is part of what the group is for, but we need to be careful not to overwhelm each other or have the conversation be entirely negative. Where I usually draw the line here is that personal struggles are fine to talk about but political rants are discouraged, but I may have to move this line on the day when I see how things go. Don’t worry, I will tell you!
  3. Probably lots of us have forgotten how to be around people (most likely me as well), so here is permission to walk away if you need space. Also a reminder that we will all react differently, so be careful to give others space if they need.

I will cancel this meetup if government guidance changes, so keep an eye on this space.

Everyone who’s coming please make sure you take a lateral flow test (or PCR) the previous evening or that morning

Please RSVP so that I know there’s enough people not to need to cancel, and so I know to look out for you!

kate DOT towner AT gmail DOT com

Becky Earley

Did you know that the first skills you learn about marriage and friendship come from your parents’ marriage relationship? Did you know that the attachment, comfort, or discomfort you experience in your marriage stems directly back to what your parents taught you about love? Did you know that because all marriages are founded on friendship first, basic relationship attachment skills might feel like a struggle with your spouse even when romance doesn’t?

Here’s why…

Everything we see as children shapes our perception about something in the world and when it comes to marriage, the primary lesson your parents taught you is whether or not it’s safe to be vulnerable with another person. We watch our parents closely as we grow up and, knowingly or not, they shape what we believe about love. Their day-to-day interactions answer questions inside us like…

“If I share my dreams, goals, and passions with you, will I be accepted or rejected?”

“If I tell you that something you did hurt me, will I be validated or shamed?”

“Does the way I see the world mean anything to my spouse or should I keep it to myself?”

It is through watching their auto-pilot day-to-day interactions and habits with each other that you learn what is safe and what is not safe, and what is expected and what is not expected in relationships. In other words, any parent can put on an intentional act for their kids, but kids see everything, and what matters most is what they see when their parents think they aren’t watching. Thankfully, healthy marriages model love and respect whether the kids are watching or not. Unfortunately, not all marriages are healthy, and the damage to the kids watching can be catastrophic to their relationships later on.

For example, say you consistently watched parent A walk up to parent B and start telling him/her about their day and parent B’s response routinely given was to be stone cold, make no eye contact, and grumble something in an annoyed tone under their breath before walking away to the next task. Then, once parent B left the room, you also saw the look of sadness in parent A’s eyes as they were left standing alone. Additionally, let’s also say you routinely saw parents A&B share a quick daily kiss and say “I love you” before one of them left the house. How do you figure a daily experience like that might have shaped you and what you believe about relationships? Is it possible seeing this daily might have taught you that people don’t actually care as much as they say they do? Or that saying “I love you” is just for show and doesn’t really mean you can count on that person to listen to you and engage with you? Maybe it taught you that marriage is a facade and the real stuff is fake. You CAN unlearn this.

We all become relationally paralyzed by fear when we witness someone we love being treated in a way that hurts them. What if it happens to us, too? How damaging! Better question? What if it doesn’t and you can forge a new path? Let this be a starting point for getting curious and asking questions. It’s all about self-awareness and using that awareness to create positive change! We’re here to help 🙂

If there is a certain area in your attachment process (the way you connect to another person) that you’re struggling with, take some time today to think about what your parents taught you about marriage and friendship by reading through these questions on your own or with your spouse.

Connecting Questions

  • What did my parents’ daily interactions teach me about friendship?
  • What did my parents’ daily interactions teach me about romantic love and relationships?
  • What lessons do I want to unlearn from my parent’s marriage?
  • What lessons do I want to keep from my parent’s marriage?
  • How does my parents’ marriage impact my own marriage the most? Is it healthy? Unhealthy?
  • What is one personal belief that I learned from my parents’ marriage that is hurting me/my marriage and needs to be addressed immediately?
  • What is my marriage modeling to my kids? What are we unconsciously teaching them in our day-to-day interactions?
  • What did my in-laws’ marriage teach my spouse about marriage?
  • Is my marriage teaching the positive or the negative things we learned from our parents to our kids? Am I comfortable with what they are learning from us?

And, remember, just like your parents taught you all about marriage and friendship… your marriage is teaching your kids too.

The post What Your Parents Taught You About Marriage appeared first on Marriage365®.


Source: https://marriage365.com/blog/what-your-parents-taught-you-about-marriage/

yugx83456

https://www.thepornsitelists.com

       There was once a blind man who had so fine a sense of touch that, 

when any animal was put into his hands, he could tell what it was merely by 

the feel of it. One day the cub of a wolf was put into his hands, and he was asked

 what it was. He felt it for some time, a

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