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Becky Earley

WARNING! For mature audiences only

Who doesn’t want to experience a deep, mind-blowing orgasm!? I do, and I bet you do too! The tricky part is figuring out new ways to get there and keep you there, yeah? Well, here at Marriage365, we want to be the Oprah of orgasmic ideas (You get an orgasm! You get an orgasm! YOU get an orgasm! Everyone gets an orgasm!) 

Here are 5 sex positions to try together to try to achieve that deeper O!

The Pretzel

The female partner lays on her right side while the male partner straddles the woman’s right leg and wraps her left leg around his left side. This position allows the male partner to control how deep he goes while still making eye contact possible. It also allows for a lot of clitoral stimulation as fast or as slow as desired. O yes!

The Stick Shift

Have the male partner lay on his back with his legs closed and the female partner straddles him with her back toward his face. This position allows for the woman to control the depth of penetration and gives her every benefit of that good ol’ stick shift in control feeling. She can squat and move up, down, left, right, forward, or backward as she pleases. He can grab and play with her breasts from behind or rub her body while she rides deep. OoOOoO.

The Big Spoon / Little Spoon

The female is the little spoon and the male is the big spoon. Both partners lay spooning with legs slightly bent so that he can enter her from behind while using his hands to stimulate her clitoris or play with her breasts and body. This position can offer an incredible sensation with deep penetration like you’d never believe until you try it! O, YEAH

The “Hold Me Close”

Partner A sits up cross-legged while Partner B sits facing/on them and wraps their legs around partner A’s back. Hold each other and rock back and forth for that sweet deep orgasm you’re both anticipating! This allows for a lot of eye contact and passionate kissing, and since your legs are doing all the work, your hands are free to play! O..OO!

The Pinball Master

You know you’re good at pinball when you push the right buttons at the right time and that’s what this position allows for! The female leans back into a partial bridge position with the majority of the weight on her shoulders and her pelvis thrust upward while the male enters her while on his knees. Ladies, you can always prop your hips with a couple of firm pillows if needed. He holds her waist for support and can penetrate deeply until you hear O-hh BABY.  

 

Disclaimer: We can’t guarantee an orgasm every time, but we can guarantee you’ll have fun together and connect on a more intimate level if you keep practicing.   

 

Marriage365 wants couples to connect in a ‘deeper’ way (pun intended), but connection in marriage isn’t only about sex. It’s about communication, emotional intimacy, forgiveness, boundaries, and much more. Marriage365 Membership is the most affordable, practical and effective marriage resource to help couples grow in all of these ways. Learn more about our Membership here. 

Written by Anna Collins

The post 5 Sex Positions for Her appeared first on Marriage365®.


Source: https://marriage365.com/blog/5-sex-positions-for-her/

Becky Earley Yesterday, 05:00PM
Valerie L

Dear Captain Awkward,

I was estranged from my father, who emotionally abused me as a child, for nearly a decade. I was told he was dying of a terminal illness last year and his last wish was to talk to me. I figured, hey he’s a dying man and I’ve processed this in therapy. I can give him some closure. 

He ended up receiving a life-saving operation and has been given several more years. His recovery from the operation is grueling but he is stable and out of the hospital.

My problem is that I only came back into his life to say goodbye. I don’t want a relationship with him. I don’t want anything to do with him. I am occasionally re-traumatized by his behavior and even if I weren’t, I don’t like him. He’s still recovering and has a long road ahead. He needs support. I don’t want to even text him, let alone keep him company. 

I’m at a complete loss. It seems needlessly cruel to tell him the truth (“I only reached out because I thought you were dying so hmu when you’re at that point again”), but I don’t see an alternative. Ghosting just makes him pester my mom, sister, and husband. Low contact, even very low contact, is low-key triggering. I’m dealing with too much other shit to come up with a good script. Can you help?”

Hello!

If you feel like you must say something to your dad before doing whatever you were doing before to gain peace and distance from him, maybe try this:

“Dad, I am so relieved that your recent health scare wasn’t the end, and I appreciated the chance to give you and Mom some peace of mind during a difficult time. But that doesn’t mean our relationship has fundamentally changed. I wish you well, but I plan to go on keeping my distance now that we’ve had a chance to say our goodbyes.”

This doesn’t have to be a conversation or negotiation where he gets to have his say. You’re not asking permission, you are communicating a decision that you’ve made, so if it helps, put it in a greeting card and drop it in the mail. Done.

If (when) he tries other tactics, you can adapt that same script to set boundaries with your mom, sister, and husband: “I was grateful that I could grant Dad/you some peace of mind in a terrible moment, but that doesn’t mean anything has changed about the reasons we are no longer in touch. I wish him well, but for my own well-being, I plan to go on keeping my distance now that I’ve said my goodbyes.”

With these other family members, you might add something like “I realize that Dad is putting you in an uncomfortable spot, and I’m sorry about that, but I’m not going to change my mind. There is nothing you can do to fix what’s broken between us, and I am asking you directly to stop passing on messages and pressuring me to be in touch with him. As far as I’m concerned, we’ve said our goodbyes.”

These scripts are for you, to help you say what you need to say so that you can close the book for yourself. They aren’t about convincing anybody of the rightness of your decision or persuading anybody out of their hurt. There is no version of this or any script that your dad wants to hear or will accept, and he will likely take it out on anybody else in your family who will still take his calls. So once you deliver them, you’ll need to adopt or adapt all the boundary-maintenance measures that you already know how to do: Not responding to communications from or about your dad, changing the subject whenever he comes up, and cutting conversations short when you need to for your own peace of mind.

If your mom and sister are acting as his caregivers, consider that there are lots of ways to show up in their lives and be supportive of them without having to engage with your dad or spend every moment rehashing the latest details of his condition. Depending on your capacity, that could mean material support with meals, housekeeping, babysitting any niblings to give your sister a break, making sure mom and sister are taking good care of their own health, or arranging treats and distractions now and again. It could also mean words of encouragement, such as “I’m glad Dad has you in his corner, and you’re doing such a good job” as you change the subject to literally anything but That Fucking Guy. The same will be true when he eventually dies, since nobody has to feel any certain way about the un-dearly departed in order to keep hot coffee and casseroles flowing to the grieved and bereaved.

Estrangement is painful and lonely. There is always the “But what if the person DIES?” pressure from people who haven’t lived through what you’ve lived through, and people who don’t realize that nobody cuts off contact with a close family member as a passing whim, without exhausting every possibility for repairing the relationship. So whenever I hear of someone cutting ties permanently, I ask myself how bad would things have to get for me to never want to speak to someone again, and I generally try to assume that whatever happened to them was at least that bad. Letter Writer, now that you’ve lived through the “But what if he DIES?” scenario, and the answer is “He’s still exactly the same crappy person who caused me no end of grief.” If the pain of not having a dad anymore is still less than the pain of having to keep dealing with that specific, nightmare dad, then I believe you, and encourage you to keep doing what you need to do to protect yourself from abuse. You did a very kind, generous thing when you didn’t have to, and I hope you are giving yourself a lot of love and credit for that.

I’m wishing you peace and comfort in the days ahead.

Valerie L

Hello, I’m not sure how to start this off but here goes.

My wife of 20 years was caught sending nudes to an older man and I found out she had been riding around with him while I was at work. When I confronted her about everything she said they were only talking and it wasn’t sexual at all. But everything in me tells me otherwise. Also she has cheated in the past. Should I believe her?

Oof, hello, I’m sorry that we’re meeting under these circumstances and I hope you are doing okay.

I can’t confirm whether your wife’s ride-alongs with Pop-Pop involve the *full* Early Bird Special, and there is no universal “What counts as cheating?” standard that I could apply from this distance. But I’ll tell you what I observe and see where it takes us.

Your wife seems to be making the case that *nothing* counts as cheating or as being “sexual at all” until or unless the parties mash their genitals together and make them kiss. I tend to think of this as the N Minus 1 Gambit within the larger Cheater’s Defense, where as long as there is one forbidden thing that the relationship partner and potential affair partner are not doing (yet), then nothing they are doing could possibly be sketchy, and actually you’re the one who is out of line for even suggesting it. As the relationship progresses, and more and more formerly off-limits things happen between them, the value of N (for that final, off-limits act that would objectively constitute Actual Cheating) keeps growing progressively absurd, until you’re firmly in  “Well, it’s not like we fucked in front of everyone at the family reunion and sent the video to all of your LinkedIn connections, come on, be reasonable! We just did all the things I promised I wouldn’t do, one by one, until we ran out of Things. Quit overreacting just because I made you feel paranoid and crazy this whole time!”- territory.

You’ve found out that your wife is sending nudes to someone and hanging out with him behind your back in a way that feels “off” and reminds you of other times she has cheated on you. You could decide to believe her and ignore the whole thing unless it crosses a certain line, but you don’t have to solve for N (or accept the framing that it’s not cheating until she says it is) before you’re allowed to question your relationship and your happiness and security within it.

Please allow me to pose a series of questions that might help you think through what you want to happen next.

Are you happy with your wife, in general, or were you before you found out what’s happening? Can you be happy, knowing what you know now? When she denies cheating, but everything in (you) tells (you) otherwise,” what is the cost of ignoring your own instincts? What happens to your peace of mind, to your sense of integrity?

In a perfect world, where all of this gets resolved to your satisfaction, what does that look like? When you ask her that question, what does she say? What happens if you let yourself be hurt and angry about this? “We’ve already had to work so hard to rebuild trust in our marriage, it’s both astounding and alarming that you’d push boundaries like this and put everything at risk, again.”

If it’s not cheating, then what is it? “Please help me understand. Why are you sending photos like that to another man? If it’s “not sexual at all” then what is it? Is it only him, or do you trade explicit photos with other friends? What do you enjoy about it? Do I need to be worried that you’ll cheat on me or leave me for someone else? Is there something you’re not getting from our relationship in terms of attention, or wanting to be seen, or even playing around with exhibitionism that we could work on together?” If there’s a reasonable explanation here, or something you’re missing, here’s her chance to offer it.

Do you trust that your wife is looking out for your well-being? Around this situation? In general? [Bonus Question: When’s the last time you got screened for sexually transmitted infections? STIs don’t discriminate and can happen to anyone without it necessarily being someone’s fault, but also, in my experience, people who aren’t careful with solemn vows and other people’s hearts aren’t always super careful about other stuff, either. It’s better to know than not know.]

When you talk to her about how this makes you feel, is she accountable and direct? Especially given the history of past cheating, does she acknowledge why finding out about the photos & secret hangouts might make you anxious and uncomfortable, and does she do her best to reassure you and make you feel safe?

If it turns out she is cheating, or it turns into cheating down the road, what do you want to do about it? If you both agree that whatever she’s doing doesn’t meet the threshold of cheating, are you allowed to say that you’re still not cool with what is happening and would like it to stop? Just because other people would be okay with what she’s doing doesn’t mean that you have to be okay with it.

If your wife won’t agree to curtail the photos and hangouts (or if she agrees but keeps going in secret)(or if she straight up tells you that she’d prefer to open up the relationship), what does that mean for you? Would you stay, regardless? Do you need to at least locate the nearest exit in case of emergency? What kind of support system do you have, including people who you can really talk to about what’s going on?

Even if your wife is telling you the truth (technically)(like, really, really technically)(hair-splittingly, rules-lawyeringly technically), it still might not be enough to build a happy future on, especially when she’s already broken your trust at least once. As boundaries go, “I only stick around in relationships where I don’t have to worry about being cheated on” isn’t a ridiculous one.

P.S. Pledge Drive Update: THANK YOU. Thank you to everyone who donated and thank you for all the kind messages. I have read them all.The last few weeks have been even more chaotic than I was anticipating when I put out the tip jar, due to Mr. Awkward having a sudden health scare that required a stay in the ICU. (Gory “Lithium toxicity? What the….?” details here, good “he’s out of the hospital and expected to fully recover” news here). Thanks to all of you, it was such a relief to be able to get back and forth from the hospital to be with him and summon food at weird hours without added stress. I’m especially relieved that I’m still on track for uterus-eviction next month as scheduled. If you can and want to chip in to the recovery fund/eventual comic staged reading of our itemized medical bills, you can sign up to be a monthly patron or use PayPal, Cash.me, and (new!) Ko-Fi. Thank you.

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hot gay sex

       There was once a blind man who had so fine a sense of touch that, when any animal was put into his hands, he could tell what it was merely by the feel of it. One day the cub of a wolf was put into his hands, and he was asked what it was. He felt it for some time

Valerie L

Dear Captain,  

I’m a 33-year-old cis lesbian recently out of relationship with another cis woman (age 42).

 Despite a lovely start, our relationship was riddled with arguments. Many of these issues probably could have been resolved, but the arguments themselves were toxic. She would say she wanted to hear when I disagreed with her but I learned early that stating my opinion was gas to a fire. I started to try to de-escalate. I would apologize when it was merited (meaning … when there was real identifiable hurt; I would not apologize for not liking or wanting something); I would clarify and explain when she would get facts wrong (this happened often; and we all do this a little but in her case, it was significant enough that I could easily check our text/email history and it would show she was blatantly incorrect and arguing off those inaccuracies). A few of these arguments actually happened over text, and I have been able to look over them. I see now that even after multiple apologies, she would continue to insult me, overgeneralize, attempt to put me in my place, talk down to me, and criticize. This pattern was also reflected in our in-person arguments. 

Towards the end, in these moments, hurt because it seemed more important to her to “win” against me, than work with me, I would say to her: “this isn’t working”. I only said this in moments of genuine and utter late-argument frustration. Her response to my saying this was to tell me I was being abusive and cruel by holding dissolution of our relationship over her head. I’m not going to play the saint here: I did want those words to sting a little. But I never meant them as, nor treated them as, finalities. They were just honest to me: our arguments were not working for us. All they were (for me) was pain. 

The relationship is over now. We haven’t spoken in months and I doubt we ever will. It ended after she picked a fight with me about where we should go to dinner and then continued to escalate, and I walked away. There are about a million things I want to ask you, none of which will fix this broken situation, but the main thing I hope for your insight on is this:  

Was saying what I said abusive? Was there some better way to handle these fights? I can’t fix what went down, but if I can do better in the future, I want to. I don’t want to screw with a partner’s sense of security unless I really mean to leave, and I feel like I massively screwed up in reacting the way I did.  

Thank you,

Pondering Better Strategies While Sitting With Extreme Emotional Pain

Dear Pondering,

I won’t leave you hanging: From what you described here, it does not seem like you were abusing anybody.

When you told your ex  partner “this isn’t working” during an argument, what were you trying to communicate? Stuff like: “I don’t like this,” “I’m uncomfortable right now,” “This way of discussing our problems isn’t working for me.” “I am so uncomfortable and unhappy that ending our relationship is on the table if this continues.”

Does that sound about right?

What, if anything, did you want her to do? Was it something along the lines of “Stop arguing”? “Stop doubling down and escalating arguments?” “Notice how upset I am and change tactics to something gentler?”

Threatening to break up *can* be a tactic of coercive control, and I think that if you have a partner who constantly threatens to break up whenever they don’t get their way it’s not a great sign and you might want to take them up on that sooner rather than later. (Honestly, nobody has to be abusing anybody for this to be true! If there’s so much conflict that one or both of you are always on the verge of ending the relationship, set yourself/everyone free to find someone more compatible.)

When abusive people threaten to break up when they don’t get their way, it’s part of an ongoing pattern of control, where the abusive partner threatens to abandon their target at the same time they try to make it impossible for the target to ever leave the abuser. The rest of the pattern includes everything from verbal abuse (“I see now that even after multiple apologies, she would continue to insult me, overgeneralize, attempt to put me in my place, talk down to me, and criticize”), sexual abuse, reproductive coercion, financial abuse, isolating the target from friends and family, and other ways of making you as off-balance and dependent on the abuser as possible.

Abuser logic sounds like If you don’t do what I want,* I’ll leave you, and what will you do then? Nobody’s ever going to care about someone as [pathetic/frigid/stupid/ugly/insert your own insult here] as you. I’m all you’ve got.” Abusers are forever raising the stakes until the only answer to “Babe, do you want oatmeal for breakfast?” is “If you really loved me, you would already know what I want, I can’t believe you are disrespecting me with these trifling morning grains, no wonder you’re failing at literally everything in your life, I’m outta here! Oh, btw I drained our bank account so don’t even think about going anywhere yourself unless you wanna be homeless.” *Note: What the abuser wants is almost always something that the partner would not otherwise give freely, something that is not in the target’s best interests to comply with, something that the abuser does not feel the target should be allowed to discuss or mull over or set boundaries about. It’s extremely common for abusive and controlling people to act like you having any needs of your own or boundaries whatsoever means that you’re abusing them.

Reacting honestly when you are very upset? Truthfully indicating that a certain style of arguing is a potential deal-breaker for you, a couple of times? You’re the only one who can say for sure, but that doesn’t sound like a pattern of coercion to me, especially when you were dealing with someone who asked you for honesty and then punished you whenever you gave it to her.

For me, splitting hairs between “Threatening to break up is always abuse!” and “Indicating that breaking up is an option in response to unacceptable behavior,” is much like the difference between “Silence is an answer” or “Hey, I need to put this discussion on hold for a minute” and The Silent Treatment.

Ghosting: If you and I met in real life, we hung out a few times, and then you stopped responding to my messages and blocked me on social media, I might be hurt and confused, and appreciate a heads’ up, but the overall message isn’t confusing: If you were interested in talking to me more, you would. You’re not, so you aren’t. The silence is information. It says, “Go away and leave me alone.”

Space: f you and I were close friends, and we got in a heated argument, and one of us said, “Hey, this is getting out of hand, I think I need to take a break, eat a snack, and organize my thoughts a bit better, can I call you this weekend?” or “Ouch! That really hurt my feelings, and I need some space to calm down and think before we talk about this more. Can we regroup in a couple of days/weeks?” that wouldn’t be confusing, either. The intervening silence has both a purpose and a shape. It says, “Go away and leave me alone…for now. We both know why we’re upset, this isn’t forever, and our goal is to come back and work it out.” [You asked for some advice for the future, so here’s where I’ll say that in future arguments with a much more reasonable person, you might try out some “can we stop for now and come back with cooler heads” scripts when you’re feeling overwhelmed, but I also suspect very much that you DID try this a whole bunch and your ex steamrolled right over you because what she wanted had nothing to do with actually fixing things and everything to do with making the most of every opportunity to tear you down. Oh, while I’m thinking of it, retconning facts even in the face of textual evidence as well as starting or escalating big arguments right before bed that last late into the night and keep you from sleeping is a form of controlling behavior, so when you’re ready to date again, watch out for anyone who does that.]

 The Silent Treatment: In situations where a person in a close, ongoing relationship refuses to talk to you until some condition is met? They very much do not want you to go away and leave them alone. They want to “put you in your place” by making you stay close, play guessing games about what you did wrong (“If you don’t know why I’m mad, I’m certainly not going to tell you”), audition ways to appease them, accept that everything is your fault, and basically beg them to talk to you again. The Silent Treatment is all about punishment, power, and control. People who use it don’t want space for themselves to calm down and regroup, and they certainly don’t want you to have that space and grace! No, they want you to feel wrong and bad, become obsessed with them, and be so consumed with the fear and pain of losing their love that in future the mere prospect of them being mildly upset will be enough to make you give them anything they want. Which, if what they wanted was the same as what’s good for you, they wouldn’t need fear, obligation, or guilt to extract it. (Which is why my blanket advice is: When a mean person dramatically refuses to talk to you, stop trying to fix it, stop engaging altogether, and enjoy the silence while it lasts!)

Lovely Letter Writer, you didn’t write to me about The Silent Treatment, but I use it as an example here because it isn’t a one-off reaction in the heat of the moment or clumsier-than-intended attempt at boundary-setting. It’s something that completely doesn’t work unless there is an overall pattern of coercion and control.

Rather than abusing your ex, it seems to me that you got at least mildly DARVO-ed, which stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim And Offender. Your partner verbally attacked, criticized, and belittled you over text and in person, taking every opportunity to escalate conflict, and making arguments last long into the night. The times she succeeded in goading (and exhausting) you into responding, she used your authentic reaction to frame you as the aggressor. This too is abuser logic, the kind that makes the targets second-guess everything they know about themselves, the kind that comes out as “Well, I’m no saint either” and “We both said and did some regrettable things” and “My partner is so wonderful, except for all the times they are incredibly mean to me and look for literally any excuse to pick a fight,” and other equivocations.

In closing, I think you said “This isn’t working for me” from time to time because it was not, in fact, working for you. You tried apologizing, de-escalating, redirecting, fact-checking, and eventually you hit a wall where, if this continues, you were prepared to leave. It continued. So you left. Even if you subtract all question of abuse on either side, “I don’t like how much and how we argue” and “I feel like this dynamic/this relationship isn’t working for me” are valid reactions, valid things to communicate, and extremely good reasons to end a relationship if nothing changes. The part of you that said that stuff out loud from time to time wasn’t your inner abuser, it was your inner protector, your friendly neighborhood Rageasaurus reminding you that you deserve so much better than a relationship where only one partner is ever allowed to be angry.

P.S. Before I leave everyone, I want to mention Carmen Maria Machado’s memoir In The Dream House (buy link)(review link)to anyone who is looking for reading on intimate partner violence in same sex relationships. It’s not light reading (she writes horror and constructs the book like a horror novel or dark fairy tale), but it is honest, true, compelling reading. In addition, there aren’t many support resources that don’t frame abusive relationships solely in terms of man-abuses-woman, but if you happen to need one of those, LoveIsRespect.org fits the bill.

P.P.S. I wrote a long update about medical stuff over at Patreon, but the tl;dr is that a) I still feel like hot garbage for multiple #Reasons, my body is even less of a wonderland than usual, and spoons are at an all-time low b) My faulty uterus and its unwelcome passengers are finally getting removed on October 24th, so maybe I will feel less garbage in our lifetime.

I know my creative output here and over at Patreon has not been consistent or spectacular, so I hate to ask, but I’m going to tap the Pledge Drive sign anyway to help my little household defray the incoming deluge of medical bills and give me a chance to actually rest, recover, and (fingers crossed!) finish cranking out this book. If you both can and want to, you can sign up to be a monthly patron or use PayPal, Cash.me, and (new!) Ko-Fi. I’m so grateful to all of you for your kindness and generosity and for sticking with me.

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