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Dear Captain Awkward,

My group of friends and I are all in our 30s, mostly queer, and have found ourselves in widely different circumstances regarding: financial stability, disability, and cultural acceptance. Most of this friend group has known each other for 10+ years. We’re pretty close! We share a lot of solidarity and a history of caring for one another. But, recently, our group has been fracturing around issues of, well…privilege.

This seems to happen in two distinct ways. The first and most obvious is when friends with certain privileges (relative health, wealth, visa status, or social acceptance of their queerness in their community) constantly, cluelessly brag. In a truly tone-deaf, “please read the room” way. 

Microaggression Example #1: Empathy? Interrupted.

The friend group is talking about housing insecurity. Specifically, we’re comforting and troubleshooting with a friend who is dealing with an unexpected eviction notice. Suddenly, a different friend starts talking about how she just bought a house! She’s “relieved” because finally got a house (after previous bids fell through). She’s “tentatively excited” and going to throw a lavish housewarming party! She’s “not sure” if she’s going to be able to invite all of us to her party, or when it will be, but she just wants us to be happy with her.

To be clear, she wasn’t bringing this up to offer to help the friend facing urgent eviction, or anyone else’s ongoing issues with housing insecurity. She just literally abruptly changed the subject to brag about her good luck. Like, she was officially done with empathizing with our other friend. And, that’s how she decided to show it. My impulse at that moment was to say, “Hey, if you’re not going to help or empathize, don’t say anything! Nobody asked you to talk. Not everything is about you. We’re trying to solve a problem. If you’re not, fine, but then just wait a bit.”

To be clear, I did not act on this impulse!

Obviously, I know challenging my friend like that would be rude and unhelpful. But, everyone was just awkward silence or vaguely kinda…agreeing that it was good? 

And saying nothing made me feel pretty awful.

I regret not standing up for my friend in crisis, whose conversation got derailed. I know, were situations reversed, I would want someone to stand up for me, to emphasize that requesting empathy and help is not burdensome or shameful, and that the derailing friend’s reaction was an outlier. 

But, like everyone else in the group, I said nothing. 

If it was just this one time, it wouldn’t be a big deal. But the pattern is clear with more than one friend in the group: A friend is seeking empathy or practical help (or both) and a different friend decides to change the conversation to a more “positive” topic: bragging about their privileges. 

This even happens in group chats. Where you can easily just step away from a conversation that doesn’t interest you! 

The other, more subtle way this plays out is with a refusal to accommodate marginalized friends. In particular, this has increasingly happened whenever we try to make plans to hang out. 

Microaggression Example #2: Exclusion, Uncompromised

-Friend A suggests going to a specific concert venue (say, “Staircase World,”) to catch Local Band. 

-Friend B mentions Staircase World is not wheelchair accessible, and they weren’t able to enter the last time they tried to go. They recommended catching a different show in a different location, which is accessible. 

– Friend C mentions liking the band Friend B recommended, and also brings up a few other events in more accessible locations 

– Friend A is annoyed and says they only want to go to see Local Band at Staircase World, and they’re going regardless of whether anyone else joins

– Friend D says maybe we could split into two groups, go to different shows, and all meet up later [Note: I am Friend D in this scenario]

– Friend A says they don’t think they’ll be up for meeting anywhere afterward, they don’t like being up too late

– Friend C gets annoyed and says, “Why is seeing Local Band at the notoriously ableist Staircase World more important than spending time with the people you care about? You seriously won’t even consider a compromise like leaving a little early to hang out altogether before it’s too late?”

Aaaand obviously. Obviously! Friend C said the wrong thing. In isolation, it is an overreaction. 

But it. Keeps. Happening. 

It seems like every conversation now! 

Friend A is mad at Friend C for losing her cool and for being “judgmental”. Friend C and B are both mad at / hurt by Friend A’s willingness to exclude them so casually due to their disabilities. 

Everyone in the group seemed to pick a side, and I kinda ended up on B & C’s side. But, really I’m Team Compromise! The weekend came and went, and the friend group seems ok.

But I also feel like, on some level, I’m just holding my breath waiting for the next clueless privileged comment or exclusionary take to shatter the group entirely. 

Sometimes, it’s disability access. Sometimes it’s a financial barrier, and refusal to consider an affordable alternative (nor pitch in to pay for a low/no income friend’s ticket). 

Is there any way, at all, to persuade the more privileged friends to stop dropping micro-aggressive grenades in our conversations?

I love my friends! I love and care about and deeply admire all of them. 

Maybe it’s the middle child in me, but I really want to negotiate a peace here. Maybe I could have a big-picture conversation with a few of my friends about this. I truly believe we can all make peace and take care of each other.

Heck, we can even celebrate the random good luck in people’s lives! Getting a house and getting to travel to Europe are all positive events worth celebrating. It’s just a timing issue of when these events are brought up in conversation, mostly. 

Likewise, I don’t think the friends who keep suggesting exclusionary hangouts are doing it on purpose. Are there any scripts you think could work here? Either “big picture” conversations, or in-the-moment statements. I’m hoping for scripts that are polite, yet effectively prevent derailment away from empathy. Or, scripts to effectively re-center inclusion and equity in conversations about hanging out. 

Or both?

Also, do you think there’s anything I should say to the friends who have been subject to exclusion or empathy rejection? Should I try to help them see the perspective of the more privileged friends in some way? Or, is that disrespectful and just going to make things worse? 

Sincerely,

Stuck Diplomat, Seeking Scripts

Dear Stuck Diplomat,

People often call me diplomatic, and it’s true, but not in the way they mean. Diplomacy isn’t just about being good at de-escalation, peace-keeping, compromise, or finding palatable ways to deliver hard truths. Diplomacy is about understanding power and leveraging what power you have in negotiations, which sometimes includes strategically escalating conflicts or letting them play out. You most likely don’t have the power to fix your friends’ hearts or make your group chats all run smooth, and I don’t have any magic scripts up my sleeve that will guarantee that you can, but it doesn’t mean you have no power in the situation. It’s there, just, I suspect that it’s not where you’re looking for it.

Let’s dig into your examples and see if there is another way to handle stuff like this in the future. You write:

My impulse at that moment was to say, “Hey, if you’re not going to help or empathize, don’t say anything! Nobody asked you to talk. Not everything is about you. We’re trying to solve a problem. If you’re not, fine, but then just wait a bit.”

Obviously, I know challenging my friend like that would be rude and unhelpful.

…And saying nothing made me feel pretty awful.

…I regret not standing up for my friend in crisis.…But, like everyone else in the group, I said nothing.

Which is worse, risking a full-blown argument by speaking up about bad behavior in the moment, or how bad it feels to not have spoken up at all? Would it really have been the end of the world if you’d just said what was on the tip of your tongue?

There’s this persistent idea that the *only* right way to respond to shitty interpersonal behavior is to empathize deeply with the shitty person, figure out precisely why they are being like that, and use your own compassion to create a teachable moment that fosters greater self-awareness that results in eventual behavioral change from the inside out, and anything less constitutes a failure of *your* patience & empathy. That’s where the notion that saying any version of “Hey, can you knock it off right now with the housewarming party planning?” would be “rude” and “unhelpful” comes from. If somebody’s being Rude, you’re supposed to Polite at them so hard that they Learn An Important Lesson, Eventually.

A couple problems with that:

1. What good does this do for the targets of shitty behavior?
2. What happens if the shitty people never learn?
3. What happens if they learn, but it’s exactly the wrong lesson? “I can be as shitty as I want, and people must be polite to me at all costs, and if they fail to tolerate my bad behavior with perfect grace, it makes them even worse than me and everything becomes actually their fault? Sweet!”
4. What do you win if you successfully erase your anger and annoyance from all of your closest friendships and present only the most accommodating, peace-making parts of yourself?

The answer to #1 is “nothing much” and the answer to #2-#4 about what happens and what you “win” is More Shitty Behavior, All The Time, Basically Forever because you’ve robbed yourself of the tools for actually addressing it, tools like, “healthy expressions of authentic emotions” and “meaningful consequences.”

My pitch to you is basically, what if we changed the order of operations for dealing with someone whose behavior is out of pocket? What if we administered consequences first, and let the epiphanies sort themselves out later? If people get rapid negative feedback every time they do or say something shitty, maybe they’ll learn to think and feel differently over time, but that slow internal work is none of your business. If people wanna be assholes, they’ll need to do it somewhere else. If they want to hang out with you, there are limits on acceptable behavior.

One benefit of this approach is that you don’t have to figure out someone’s entire deal or manage the feelings of every bystander and mutual acquaintance before you get to do something about shit that bothers you. “Let’s have one deep emotionally difficult discussion where I recount your crimes for the entire time we’ve known each other and hopefully persuade you change your entire personality” gets replaced with “Whoa, that was not cool!” Another benefit is that the other targets of shitty behavior don’t have to decide if your invisible dismay is really invisible enabling of their bullies.

To pull that off, you have to stand in your own integrity –which includes your anger sometimes–and let that be enough to drive your words and actions. It’s not “oh my god, how might this tone-deaf behavior be affecting my friends who are in crisis” in the abstract or “oh my god, does house-buying friend even realize how she is coming across right now, I’m so embarrassed for her” while you quietly cringe and empathize and try to brainstorm a perfect way to make none of this have ever happened. You put in all this time empathizing and worrying, but it didn’t change anything. Time to simplify: How did your friend’s aggressive non-sequiturs affect you? Did you like it and want her to talk about her new house more or did you want her to stop? The leveling up happens when you decide, “as an equal participant in this conversation, I want to talk about eviction solutions, not housewarming plans right now, so that’s what’s I’m gonna do.”

Script-wise, that could look like a lot of things:

• Change the topic back. “Interesting, we’ll have to catch up later and you can tell me all about the new place. Anyway, back to what we were discussing. About-To-Be-Evicted Friend, sorry, please continue. What do you think you’ll do and how can we help?”
• If necessary, do it as as side-conversation with the person you’d rather be talking to. “Hey, sorry we got interrupted, that was really awkward. Are you good? Where were we?” 
• If words escape you,  make eye contact with the oblivious friend and do the universal “Shut It Down!” gesture. 
• If you don’t want to call her out in public, pull her aside. “Yo, I’m happy for your new house and all, but this seems like not the right moment. Can you and I make time later and you can catch me up all about housewarming plans, etc. then?”
• Or follow up and have it out the next day. “Hey, last night, when it felt like nobody was celebrating with you about your new house and it got kinda awkward? Yeah, maybe you noticed we were in the middle of a conversation about looming eviction? I get wanting us to be happy for you, and I am happy, but interrupting a conversation about impending homelessness to demand that we celebrate climbing the property ladder with you right then was beyond tone-deaf.”

None of that is gonna be comfortable to execute, but exactly none of it is ruder than whatever she was doing. Maybe your friend would have gotten the message, apologized, and acted right. Maybe it would have turned into a giant argument. You may be right that speaking up would only have derailed everything further, but I want you to keep in mind that silent dismay and silent agreement look identical from the outside. You know for a fact that saying nothing feels awful and does nothing to curb the behavior you dislike, so what do you want to do about that next time? 

The more you let go of managing other people’s reactions and speak up for yourself and only for yourself, the more power your words will have. Not “Everybody wishes you wouldn’t say stuff like that in the group chat” or “Crisis-Friend might be offended, I’m just trying to look out and be sensitive to that.” You were there, you were annoyed, that’s good enough! Stick with “I don’t appreciate the interruption, I want to keep talking about housing logistics until the issue is resolved, but why don’t I call you tomorrow and you can tell me all about New House then.”

Let’s apply this to your other example. Accessibility is a fraught issue, and COVID-19–WHICH IS TOTALLY STILL A THING BTW– hadn’t even entered this particular chat, but what you’re really describing is people making two completely different sets of plans and asserting multiple value systems, anxieties, and boundaries all at once.

• “It’s okay to want to do my own thing once in a while, and I’m not going to the concert AT you.”
• “I don’t go to inaccessible venues, so if we’re gonna do a group thing it needs to be somewhere else.”
• “You wanting to skip a group hangout to do your own thing makes me feel rejected and sad.”
• “I don’t care where we go, but conflict is scary and bad. Can’t we just get along?”
• “Public venues should be accessible to all, and we must demonstrate solidarity with disabled people by boycotting inaccessible spaces.” .
• “If by ‘we’ you mean ‘you,’ totally! But actually I want to go to the concert bad enough that I’m willing to risk going alone and making you mad.”
• “Compromise! (Drinks later?)”
• “No drinks for me, thanks!”

Is this a fight about disability justice and fairness, a fight about friendship, or a fight about varying preferences? Having all three at once doesn’t seem to be working out. The Geek Social Fallacies are running rampant here, most notably #2 , “Friends Accept Me As I Am” (and as a result never, ever criticize each other) and #5: “Friends Do Everything Together.” People’s circumstances and priorities often change a lot between their 20s and 30s, and some or all of you might be outgrowing the way things have always been done but not yet sure what happens next. “We’ve been through a lot together” isn’t the same as “We enjoy each other’s company, present tense” or “Let’s do everything together forever and always” or “I’m willing to pay so that we can all keep doing stuff together always” and what you’re witnessing might be natural growing pains as people drift apart or realize they are less compatible than they once were. Plus, some shit is just awkward no matter how you slice it. Housing insecurity, income inequality, and ableism are definitely in the pile of things that it’s hard to talk about in a way where everybody feels awesome all the time.

You write: 

Friend A is mad at Friend C for losing her cool and for being “judgmental”. Friend C and B are both mad at / hurt by Friend A’s willingness to exclude them so casually due to their disabilities. 

Everyone in the group seemed to pick a side, and I kinda ended up on B & C’s side. But, really I’m Team Compromise! The weekend came and went, and the friend group seems ok.

What I’m reading is that the friend group survived an awkward argument plus one person going off and doing their own thing for a single night. Your suggested compromise was fine, just, not everybody wanted to do the same stuff. What is there for you to manage or fix here? It seems like the necessary skill-building is not finding a perfect script, it’s more about learning to sit with discomfort and conflict without trying to smooth it over all the time. Here are a few strategies that might not cure anything but are unlikely to worsen anything that’s already bad: :

• Stop managing other people’s feelings about each other. Especially don’t minimize, manage, or police your friends’ anger at each other. Maybe A and B/C will stay peeved for a while. Maybe that was also a necessary argument they needed to get out of their systems!
• You get to mute the group chat or bow out of in-person conversations that annoy you, especially if you’re having a hard time disengaging from other people’s fights. “I’m gonna stretch my legs. My vote is that we do X, but I’m fine with whatever, just let me know when you decide.” It’s easier to manage your exposure and proximity relative to your own stress levels and bandwidth than it is to convince all of them to be different.
• When you’re in charge of planning events for this group, you get to plan stuff your way, with the cost and accessibility features you desire. If other people plan differently, maybe stop trying to compromise or manage group dynamics and guest lists and think in terms of “Do I personally want to opt in or out of whatever this person is inviting me to?” If you opt in, show up and have a good time with whoever is there without making it about who didn’t come. If you opt out, your responsibility for how it all goes is zero.
• Is it time for you to plan more frequent 1:1 hangouts or smaller group things and not try to cross all these streams all the time? What if you took a break for the rest of the year and saved getting the whole group together for a few special occasions? Would you all like each other more if you saw each other slightly less?
• It sounds like maybe some people in the group are sick of picking up the tab or only doing free-ish stuff but they don’t want to say that outright, others are sick of being poor and tired of having to hold their hand out, nobody is talking about it directly, and thus it’s an awkward guessing game every single time you try to make plans.Take the guessing out of it! Like, stop hinting, stop quietly judging, stop trying to get people to offer, and just ask the people with money to do what you want them to do when you want them to do it. That way they can say yes or no and everyone will have the information they need to make good decisions.
• If you’re someone with both more relative privilege and more relative awareness of inequities, then you can afford be very boring and consistent about money. “Admission cost for that is $X, if four of us split six tickets to cover E and F that comes to $Y/each. Is that cool with everyone? Once you confirm I’ll reserve the tickets.”
• If others are not willing to cover costs for fellow group members for more expensive plans, are you willing & able to throw down the cash yourself? Are you committed stick to only cheap or free alternatives forever, even if it means not everyone will want to go to everything? You get to decide that for yourself, but not for everyone else.
• You can be very boring and consistent about money in the other direction. “That sounds fun, but it’s not in my budget right now. Enjoy!” “Can we do something free or cheap this time?” “I can throw in exactly $10. Are you okay covering the rest, or should we just plan something else another time?”
• Right now you’re doing a lot of mental work about all of this without getting any of the results you want. What if you did…less? Consider a rule for yourself where if something annoys or upsets you, you’ve got 24 hours to either say something about it out loud to someone who can do something about it or let it go.
• Is it time to remind you one last time that all of these people have the same agency you do to run their friendships however they want and budget their time and money in whatever way works best for them? That includes the financially-strapped members of the group.

That’s what I’ve got, sorry that it’s not what you were hoping for. I strongly believe that your best chance of holding onto these important friendships is to remove pressure and let go of the idea of One Big Group, Together Always, with you as its savior, peacemaker, or asshole-whisperer-in-chief.

In the words of Casey, “Resentment is a prism.”

It can distort your perception, overshadowing the good in your life and relationship, while magnifying pain. Resentment is a powerful emotion that can significantly impact a marriage, leading to feelings of disempowerment, blindness to positive aspects of the relationship, and an overwhelming sense of injustice.

The Root Causes of Resentment

Resentment in marriage often stems from three key factors:

1. Boundary Violations: Whether spoken or unspoken, intentional or unintentional, when boundaries are crossed, it can lead to feelings of anger and frustration. For example, if one partner repeatedly dismisses the other’s opinions, it can create a sense of disrespect and devaluation, which breeds resentment.
2. Feelings of Helplessness: When a partner feels powerless to prevent or address a painful situation, resentment can take root. This helplessness might manifest as thoughts like, “How could I have let this happen?” or “Why can’t I make them understand?”
3. Fear of Incompetence: The realization that you need to take uncomfortable actions to prevent further pain can also contribute to resentment. This might involve setting firmer boundaries or confronting difficult issues in the relationship, which can be daunting.

These factors combine to create a “recipe for resentment,” leading to internal dialogues like, “This isn’t fair,” and emotional responses such as sadness, grief, hopelessness, anger, betrayal, and regret.

The Impact of Resentment on Marriage

When left unaddressed, resentment can poison a marriage. It often leads to keeping score, holding grudges, and living in unforgiveness. Over time, the negative emotions associated with resentment can overshadow the positive aspects of the relationship, making it difficult to see the good in one’s partner. As a result, couples may find themselves drifting apart, with resentment becoming a significant barrier to connection and intimacy.

Practical Steps to Overcome Resentment

Overcoming resentment in marriage requires intentional effort, humility, and a commitment to forgiveness. Here are some practical tips, drawing on advice from Marriage365 and other credible sources:

1. Acknowledge the Resentment: The first step in overcoming resentment is to acknowledge its presence. Denying or minimizing these feelings will only allow them to fester. Couples should openly discuss their feelings of resentment in a safe and non-judgmental environment.
2. Communicate Openly: Effective communication is key to resolving resentment. Partners should express their feelings honestly, focusing on “I” statements rather than blaming the other person. For example, “I feel hurt when my opinions are dismissed” is more constructive than “You never listen to me.”
3. Set Clear Boundaries: Establishing and respecting boundaries is crucial for preventing future resentment. Partners should discuss and agree on what behaviors are acceptable and what are not, ensuring that both feel valued and respected.
4. Practice Forgiveness: As Meygan from Marriage365 emphasizes, “the opposite of resentment is forgiveness.” Forgiveness is not about condoning hurtful behavior but about freeing oneself from the burden of resentment. It allows for healing and the restoration of trust in the relationship.
5. Focus on the Positive: To counteract the negative effects of resentment, couples should make a conscious effort to focus on the positive aspects of their relationship. This might involve regularly expressing gratitude, recalling shared joyful moments, and actively nurturing the connection between partners.
6. Seek Professional Help: If resentment has deeply rooted itself in the marriage, seeking the help of a marriage counselor or coach can be invaluable. Professionals can provide tools and strategies for overcoming resentment, rebuilding trust, and strengthening the relationship.

Real-Life Examples

In Marriage365’s course on dealing with resentment, cofounders Casey & Meygan share their personal experiences of how resentment nearly led them to divorce. They candidly discuss the energy, effort, and intentionality required to move from a place of bitterness to a deeply connected and loving marriage. Their journey highlights the importance of humility, forgiveness, and continuous work on the relationship.

Moving Forward

Resentment doesn’t have to be the end of a marriage. With the right tools and mindset, couples can disempower resentment and reclaim their relationship. By addressing the root causes, communicating openly, setting boundaries, practicing forgiveness, and focusing on the positive, couples can overcome resentment and build a stronger, more resilient marriage. For those who feel overwhelmed by resentment, Marriage365 offers resources, courses, and coaching to guide couples on their journey toward healing and connection. Taking the first step to address resentment can lead to a healthier, happier marriage where both partners feel valued and loved.

Written by Anna Collins

Anna Collins lives in California with her husband and four children. She is passionate about her marriage, staying at home with her kids, writing, coffee, good conversation, and game night. Her life dream is to someday write a book and see it published.

The post Overcoming Resentment in Marriage appeared first on Marriage365®.

Source: https://marriage365.com/blog/overcoming-resentment-in-marriage/

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