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What kind of parenting is most likely to contribute to the healthy development of children.

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If you’re struggling to find a healthy balance of authenticity and honesty with your selfless partner, perhaps you need to consider working toward deeper, more intimate conversations with them.

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It’s been a while since we last had a Boston meetup! 

When: Sunday, October 27th, 2024 at 1pm

Where: Cambridge Common, in Cambridge, MA, near the Civil War Monument

Closest T stop is Harvard Square on the Red Line. Cambridge Common is a 5-10 minute walk.

The Civil War Monument is the big statue in the center of Cambridge Common, with lots of benches around (but no tables).

Accessibility notes: The park has good pathways to the area where we’re meeting, but no bathrooms in the park. Best nearby public restrooms are in the MBTA station.

I’ll have with me a Catbus plushie (from My Neighbor Totoro), and I’ll probably be working on a crochet blanket.

If the weather forecast wildly changes and we have to move indoors, weather location is the Harvard Art Museum Cafe, in the central atrium of 32 Quincy Street.

Feel free to bring any crafts, games, puzzles, etc to work on or share. I’ll also have some art supplies and paper to share.

If you have questions, comments, or are trying to find us, you can reach me at bostonCAmeetup AT gmail DOT com. If you can’t come but would like me to organize another meetup in the future, please let me know!

Hi!

I’m in my 40s and have a tight-knit friend group of about 20 years (all she/her). Some of us in the group are closer than others, but we have all gone on vacations together, been in each others’ weddings, lived together in various configurations, etc. In short, a very sibling/family type of friend group.

There is one friend in the group, B, that I haven’t been enjoying my time with lately and I noticed I was gritting my teeth through our group hangouts, wishing for them to end. For my own happiness, I’ve been pulling away from the all-group socializing and making an effort to do more one-on-one with the friends in that group that I do enjoy. It’s been working well–for me.

B has never commented directly and possibly hasn’t even noticed that I’ve been fairly absent in the past year or so. Other friends, though, have–particularly one I’ll call C. C has launched a bit of a campaign to get me to relax my boundaries around time with B, and it’s making me want to avoid her as well! Other people in the group (D-H) respect my boundaries and like the effort to see each other less frequently but more intimately.

I would really like to have, say, Friend E and Friend G over or go out with them, but C gets extremely upset when I “exclude” B. I’ve tried to explain that I’m not asking anyone else to do anything, these are my boundaries for myself, etc., but it hasn’t been effective.

Maybe I am actually being a jerk though? There’s somehow a “line” in my head where one-on-one time with friends D-H is fine, but as soon as two or more are involved, automatically it should be open to the whole group. Do you have any insight for me on why I have this “line” in my head–is it because it does actually cross into exclusion/cruelty?

Thanks!

The Whole Group or Bust

Dear The Whole Group Or Bust:

Assuming that you are not hostile to B. when you do opt into group events, and you do not lobby to have people who genuinely enjoy her company exclude her from all-group events or from smaller events they host, and you keep invitations that don’t include everyone out of the #everyone group chat, you are not being cruel. You’re not even being rude. You simply realized you were enjoying big group events relatively less, so you created smaller spin-offs that you enjoy more.

Odds are that you feel slightly guilty because you have a mild Geek Social Fallacies hangover and because C. is an active GSF#1 and #4 carrier who is trying to make you feel guilty and unwittingly confirming exactly why the decision to prioritize time with the friends you most enjoy was a good one. If C. would prefer to only attend things that also include B., she’s free to arrange her own outings. If she keeps pressuring you, she’s gonna find herself on the list of people you only see occasionally, and it won’t be a mystery how she ended up there.

Since it seems like C. is trying to address this directly with you (vs. spinning B. up or doing passive-aggressive group shenanigans), if you want to try one more time to have a reasonable conversation with her, maybe try something like this:

• Pull her aside for a private chat.
• Tell her you’ve noticed the pattern of her becoming upset when you miss group events and any other specific pressure tactics.
• Ask her if you’re reading the situation correctly and what she hopes to get out of it.
• Listen to what she says. This is hopefully the last time you’re ever gonna discuss this with her, and you are gonna have the final say eventually, so don’t be afraid to let her talk and get it out of her system.
• When she stops talking, do not try to argue her points logically. You do not want to get sucked into justifying your decisions or re-litigating your conflict with B. with the person you’re about to ask to stay the heck out of it.
• Instead, thank her for honesty, and then be honest about what you intend to do and what you want C. to do from now on. Sample talking points you can adapt for your own purposes:

“Thanks for being honest and for confirming that what I sensed might be happening is what’s actually happening. Let me be honest with you in turn: I neither need nor want your assistance with conflict resolution or changing how I socialize. Please stop pressuring me to hang out more often, and please stop commenting on my relationships with other friends within the group.”

Pause for her to respond. Maybe she’ll pleasantly surprise you and be cool! If she is not cool, listen, don’t argue, then continue with what you need her to know.

“The problems you are trying to solve aren’t problems for me. I know that you mean well and just want everyone to get along, but after 20 years, I don’t need all my friends to share the same tastes or priorities all the time, make only decisions that I agree with, or be the exact same amount of friends with each other that they are with me. Plus, I *like* being able to switch between seeing everyone now and then and arranging lots of small, casual hangouts with whomever I’m most in the mood to see that day. Since I’ve been doing things this way, I am much happier and my schedule feels much more manageable.”

Let her sit with that for a second. When you’re ready, continue, and bring it back to what you’d actually like her to do from now on.

“Going forward, if you find it too upsetting to attend events that aren’t open to everyone, just say the word! I won’t be upset if you’d prefer to stay home, just like I won’t be mad if the events you host reflect your priorities about who you invite. But I’m going to keep doing what works for me, whether or not you or anyone else agrees. And if you keep pushing me or inserting yourself into a conflict that isn’t about you, then you and I are going to have a conflict of our very own. I’d to avoid that if possible, which is why I would like this to be the last discussion we have about how I run my social calendar or my relationships with people who are not you. Can I count on you to respect that from now on?”

Then she’ll say some stuff. It might not be great stuff, especially if her concern about excluding B. is really borne out of fear of being rejected herself. Internal monologue: “If LW can just stop being friends with B., doesn’t that means she could just stop being friends with me one day? Oh shit, I better fix things with B. before that happens!” People who decide that your boundaries with other people are invalid because you might need to set the same boundaries with them if they treat you the same way the other people did (or create entirely new problems) are not my people, so I can’t explain why they build these impossible logic traps for themselves. I just observe them doing it and hope that somebody intervenes before they bring about the exact thing they feared most.

If it goes that way, don’t argue if you can help it. Try to cut the conversation short and give C. some space. What she does after the conversation will show you if she heard you and respects you enough to take you at your words. I hope she will be cool! If she isn’t, you know what to do.

Overall, I’d rate my script wording here at “medium spicy.” You may wish to soften things, or not, according to your style and how accurately that describes your annoyance levels. You’re on the verge of slow-fading C., so my sense was that reassuring her that you aren’t mad would be a lie that serves no one. C. is currently betting that pressuring you is somehow easier than dealing with B.’s whole deal or learning to accept the situation. In my experience with chronic boundary-pushers and self-appointed peacemakers, sometimes they need a little glimpse of the tiger before you show them the door with the lady.