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Fusevy PlusDear Captain,
My MIL has always been very nice and welcoming to me, although I don’t feel particularly close to her. Lately I have been driven to distraction by the way she seems convinced that she will live forever. She is turning 80 in June, and she is in only okay health. Every time we Zoom with her or see her in person (frequently, as we have a young and adorable grandchild), she makes some statement that presumes she’s going to be in great health for at least another decade. Just today, she was talking about volunteering at the hospital, and it was “some people find the palliative care department upsetting, but I’m fine with it–maybe in another 10 years it will hit closer to home!” She has literally said “I’m going to live to 97” multiple times in my hearing.
I’m sensitive about this because my own father died very suddenly seven years ago, when he was in his late 60s (my MIL knows this). It feels very clear to me that we all die and it could happen any time, and the way my MIL goes on seems both callous and jinx-y. I get really upset when she starts talking about how little she and my FIL have planned for old age (they’re vaguely thinking of downsizing, their wills are maaaybe updated, and there has been zero discussion with my husband about what they expect to happen to his younger special needs sibling, who currently lives with them). She literally laughs at attempts to discuss this stuff, like it’s a joke.
I don’t want to tell her that this bothers me, because right after my dad died, she did a lot of coming really close and staring into my eyes and saying “you must be so upset about your dad.” I REALLY don’t want to start that behavior up again. My husband had my back about that stuff (and any other times she’s been weird TO me), but for him, my getting annoyed that she thinks she’ll live forever is a me-problem, not a her-problem. Maybe he’s right? I would love for her to take end of life planning more seriously, but really I need a better way of handling my reaction to these constant comments of hers. I don’t just want to start croaking “Death comes for us all!” in the middle of brunch, so what do I tell myself to keep calm?
Thanks,
Harbinger Daughter-in-Law
Dear Harbinger,
I preserved your email subject line as the post heading as it is truly A+ work.
Short answer: No, there’s no way for you to “politely” discuss this with your mother-in-law (MIL) and your husband is probably right about the feelings she’s calling up in you being yours to manage.
Long answer: It’s not that the feelings aren’t valid; there’s so much here about grief for your dad, envy that he didn’t get all these years with his grandchild, envy that she “gets” to be so blithe about all of it, and legitimate worry about how her lack of planning will impact your little family down the road. (Even if the feelings weren’t valid, they are happening, so you might as well deal with them.)
But your husband is right in that your feelings – and whatever actions you take in response to them – are the only piece any of this that you can actually control. Your MIL is 80 years old. Assume that she knows what it’s like to be elderly, she’s seen what her peers have gone through, she’s opened the paper and seen her childhood playmates in the obituaries section. This also may be her coping mechanism in the face of all the fear and the loss during a mass death and disabling event that is still ongoing. If she’s seeking reassurance? If she’s in denial? Either way, her life and eventual death belong to her, and you’re not going to be able to tell her a single thing about it.
Where I come in, is, if you can’t change the situation, can you make it a little easier on yourself?
With that in mind, I will suggest a few strategies.
1) “Ha, I hope you’re right about that!”
If your MIL does in fact live to be 97 and maintain enough of her physical health and faculties to spend her time doing all the things she wants to do, wouldn’t that actually be pretty awesome? Can you find a way to wish her the future that she wants for herself, or, at least act as if you do when she brings it up? I don’t really believe in jinxes, but if I did, I’d want her to cheat Death, poke Fate in the eye, and get away with everything. To quote the philosopher Atticus: “I hope to arrive at my death late, in love, and a little drunk.”
Since these topics and conversations upset you, it’s probably best if you disengage. Cut these conversations as short as you can and make them as boring as possible. Sometimes that might mean absenting yourself, putting your husband in charge of all Grandma Zoom Time while you take a break or get some chores done. Other times, it might mean finding some pleasant and anodyne response to repeat, something that efficiently completes the social circuit in the expected way, removing the need to dig into the topic more deeply. (And then absenting yourself). For this purpose, I want you to try out something like “Ha, I hope you’re right!”
Now, there are times when actions like absenting yourself or changing the subject are meant to actively communicate discomfort, return awkwardness to sender, teach the person a lesson, and/or enforce a boundary. Like, you’ve tried persuasion, it failed, so finally you tell the person, “If you bring up X topic again, I’ll leave.” They bring up X. You leave. They learn that you will follow through, they have a little think, and hopefully change their behavior as a result.
This is NOT that. This is hearing “Maybe in 10 years the palliative care thing will bother me, but you know I’m going to live to be 97!” and you saying, “Nice, I hope you’re right about that!” or “97? May we all be so lucky” or “Only 97? Don’t be a quitter, Grandkid expects you to make it to at least 100” in the breeziest tone you can manage, and then asking if anybody needs anything from the kitchen while you’re up, so you don’t have to stick around for the answer. You’re not trying to jolt her back to reality or correct her, you’re trying to make a socially acceptable dodge. Two entirely different things.
2) Unpack your feelings so they don’t unpack themselves.
You’re still grieving for your dad. How could you not be? 
If you’ve never sought therapy or it’s been a long time since you have, “My MIL is in denial about aging, it’s bringing up all these feelings about my Dad’s sudden death, and I’m also worried about a future where nobody’s really planned for the possibility of getting sick or what’s going to happen to my SIL, by the way, the pandemic is still killing so many people even if everyone is bored with it” is definitely a “big enough” problem to take to a compassionate, neutral listener.
If therapy is not an option, write about it in a journal. Contact a trusted friend you know that you can lean on. Find a grief support group. However you can, get it all out of you in controlled, deliberate ways so that it’s not on the verge of exploding out of you whenever your MIL gets under your skin.
I predict that a lot of stuff is going to come out of therapy (or making a plan to write/talk about it in some fashion), and one thing you’ll be prompted to do is to sort out your own plans for what happens if something happens to you or your husband. Which leads me to my next practical suggestion.
3) Put thine own paperwork in order.
Work with your husband to make sure that your own wills are up to date, that your plans for what happens to your child are in writing, that you have all the necessary and useful insurances in place in case something unexpected happens to either of you. Think of it as doing the boring, necessary part now, when everyone is able to make decisions, so that you don’t have to invent it from scratch later. You can’t control what your in-laws will do, but you can actually make sure that you’re doing all you can to take care of business.
Going through this process yourselves is the perfect vehicle to talk to your husband about some of your fears about what happens if his parents die or become incapacitated. Do they have plans for his sister? Do they have insurance and money set aside in case they need long-term care or assisted living? Do they have medical directives, funeral plans, cemetery plots, an assigned executor or attorney? Does he know what any of this looks like, or where to even find it? Does he have siblings, and do they know?
If his parents don’t have any of this in place, what’s are the potential costs or consequences to both of you if they die or become incapable of making their own decisions? “If MIL hasn’t budgeted or made arrangements for SIL’s housing and care in case something happens, should we be setting aside $X/month in our budget now? What resources would be available for her care from the state? Can we afford to set aside money for SIL and also build our kid’s college fund?” Your in-laws plans are pretty much your in-laws business, but there are areas that their choices your husband, and by extension, you and your child.
I think these worries are all sprinkled throughout your “YOU KNOW YOU’RE NOT GOING TO LIVE FOREVER, RIGHT?” feelings when your MIL is breezy about the future, but spelling it out this way gives your husband a foundation for going to his parents and saying,
- “Hey, Parents, Harbinger and I just did all of our estate planning, and boy did it suck, I get why you never want to talk about it. Still, can you and me sit down one Saturday morning very soon and go through it? I’ll show you our in-case-of-emergency folder, you show me yours, then we’ll put everything back in the drawer and eat something tasty.”
- “I know, it’s the worst, but I don’t want anyone to be blindsided the way we were when Harbinger’s dad went so sudden. We want to make sure that we won’t leave an expensive legal mess for anyone, and we want to make sure that we’re able to honor your wishes and make sure that SIL will be okay. If you can take a few hours to show & tell what you have in mind, then we can stop talking about it until you’re 97.”
He can ask. They can joke, like they always do. He can ask again. “Please, the thought of losing you someday is so upsetting, I don’t want to think about it! But I want to make sure that you can always live the life that you want, right up until the end, and to do that, I need to know some things sooner rather than later.”
4) Your husband’s family = Your husband’s job to wrangle.
If you’ve handled your own Scary Unknowable Future paperwork and decision-making to the best of your ability, done your best to wrangle your feelings about your dad, and found a polite, mostly pleasant way to interact with your MIL most of the time, then you’ve done what you can do. The rest is up to your husband. Don’t let this default to being your job, it’s good for literally no one. He is both best equipped and best place to be the parental ambassador to his side of the family.
Oh, before I forget: It would be okay to admit to yourself and those of us at CaptainAwkward.com that you don’t like your MIL all that much right now and would like to interact with her less, even if she weren’t unintentionally pushing your buttons about this one sensitive thing. It’s great that she’s a nice, welcoming person, but if she’s stressing you out, intentionally or unintentionally, then let her eat crackers for a while! Let your husband take the lead in maintaining that relationship, and tag in when you are actually both willing and able.
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Fusevy PlusHello!
I’ve trawled the archives, but I haven’t found anything in the breakups tag addressing the overlap of
1) Nothing is glaringly wrong
2) I live with this person
Also, I’m definitely overthinking this.
I’m a woman who is living with my boyfriend. On the whole, I enjoy dating him and living with him, but I’m starting to think this is not the person I want to be with for the rest of my life. No big flashing GET OUT NOW signs or anything like that, just an overwhelming sense of “this is fine for now, but not forever”.
So, if I know I want to break up with him eventually, is it unethical to stay with him for the next couple of years while he finishes school? He’s a student, and there’s a good chance he’d have to drop out (due to housing instability) if we broke up. I don’t want that to happen. And like, I love this man! I generally enjoy dating him! But it feels… icky to decide to leave and then not Go for another two years.
Agh! What’s the ethical thing to do here?
Thank you
Hello there!
May I issue a the strongest possible recommendation against staying in a relationship that you’re planning to end for years (!!!)l, without telling the other person how you feel or what you intend. Lying to people you love, purportedly for their own good, in a way that takes away their choices? This is not the way.
When you end an important relationship, there is no perfect way to deliver the news, there is no way to prevent the other person from getting hurt and upset, there is almost never a magic reason you can offer that will make it all right , and there is no way to plan for every possible eventuality. May I suggest the following order of operations, to be adapted as you see fit?
First, I see a lot of worry about how a break up will affect your partner, but almost none about what will happen to you. It’s time for you to daydream yourself into your new life, one where you are only responsible for you. If you knew for sure that you were breaking up, say, a month from now, what would work best for your housing, education, and career options? What are your emergency funds like? Who could you call on for moral support, a place to crash, and other help? What would make all of this as easy and painless as possible for you? Thinking this all through doesn’t mean committing to any specific course of action, but I want you to remind yourself that you have options before you make any big decisions.
Next, when you’re ready, tell your boyfriend how you feel and give him a little time to react and make his own plans. One kindness you could do here is to take responsibility for the decision and make it as sure and as unambiguous as possible. “I’m so sorry to say this, but my feelings have changed, and I want to break up.” When he asks why, do your best to make the “whys” about yourself, and don’t seek to justify it by listing his perceived shortcomings or convince him that this is for his own good. He didn’t do anything wrong, but your feelings have changed. You’ve realized that, while you love him, you don’t see yourself together in the long term. The fact that you want to break up is a good enough reason, you don’t need to manufacture an airtight case to convince him that it’s the right thing to do.
After that, maybe after everyone’s had a few days to process, it’s time to talk logistics: Who moves out, who stays, how and when does that happen? If you need to continue sharing the living space for a while, what are the ground rules and expectations for that? This is where I suggest getting extremely boring and specific, especially about money, space, and time. “For the next two months, howabout I’ll sleep in room A, you can sleep in room B, headphones and/or a closed door on either of our parts means ‘I’m not here’ unless there’s an emergency, we’ll split the bills this way, we’ll both agree not to bring any new partners or dates back here, and we’ll both do our best to give each other a lot of space and be considerate roommates while we find our footing.” Keep in mind, he most likely hasn’t been doing the same planning you have, so it’s okay if he needs a little time to catch up. When in doubt, “Ideally, how would you like to handle ______?” is a good question to keep things constructive.
Once you’ve made & communicated the decisions, the sad, awkward grieving time starts for both of you. It’s not fun, nor is it avoidable, but also, it doesn’t last forever.
You mention that breaking up and living separately might jeopardize your boyfriend’s housing situation, and that’s not a silly fear. The question “But where will I live now?” will almost certainly come up in some form once he knows you want to leave the relationship. Here’s the thing: You don’t have to have the answer or solve the problem. Breaking up means recusing yourself from planning the other person’s future. While it may not seem so, living with you is not the only choice he has. Roommates and shared housing options exist, on-campus housing exists, applying to become a Resident Assistant in exchange for free or less expensive on-campus housing exists, taking a semester off to work and save up exists, friends and family exist,* student loans exist (they SUCK, but they exist, and keeping students in school during a reversal in fortune is one of the things they’re actually for). Honestly, now, when he’s a student, might be the time he has the most outside resources and assistance available to him. I don’t know what his exact set of options looks like, and I won’t claim that they are all great compared to the life he planned with you, but I know that your partner had to figure out where and how to live long before he met you, and I trust that he will figure it out now. Of course, if you are in a position to put some “get back on your feet” funds aside for him without jeopardizing your own financial situation, that would be a very kind thing to do, but it’s not a requirement before you’re allowed to sever the romantic relationship.
[*Note: I don’t know if this applies to you, but over the years I’ve received many letters from people who are worried that if they break up, their partner will lose their “only person.” Even if that’s true, and the partner has managed to cultivate and maintain absolutely zero ties outside of the romantic relationship, it doesn’t fall to their soon-to-be-ex to make up for all other people on earth by staying in a situation that they don’t want to be in. In your case, if he’s a good, likable, pleasant guy that you’ve enjoyed dating, there’s absolutely no reason to think he wouldn’t be able to find someone equally great down the road. ]
It’s admirable that you are thinking about how a breakup will affect your partner, but withdrawing from a relationship means withdrawing from both responsibility for and control of the other person’s choices. Being honest with your boyfriend means giving him information that is essential to his ability to make good choices for himself. If he needs to plan for a future on his own, then it’s important that he knows that as soon as possible. Assumptions that he will be utterly helpless without you or that staying with him when you’re secretly planning to be gone is some kind of favor are kind to no one.
P.S. Surprise! Comments are open. I repeat: Comments are open on this post, at least for the next few days.. I want to hear from readers who have experienced Pretty Good Breakups, ones where even though there was crying and moving house and money stuff and difficult logistics, everybody was maximally considerate and kind under the circumstances. What specific thing did an ex do to make life easier for you, what did you do to make it easier for them, and how did it all turn out?
