Most of us know that racism can be a challenging topic for people to talk about; even with your spouse.

But the question that begs a deeper understanding here is why? Why is it uncomfortable or scary to sit down and talk about race with your best friend? There are many reasons, but let’s boldly look at a few, together.  

Your spouse may not want to talk about racism with you because:

→ many people don’t want to sound disingenuous or insensitive, so they say nothing.

→ racism may be a firsthand experience for your spouse (or someone they know) and it may be difficult for them to re-live or put into words.

→ the history of many diverse communities is tied to a period of horrible acts such as slavery, torture and sexual abuse; many people are afraid it will turn into a  “who suffered more” conversation and they fear their viewpoints will immediately become invalid or misunderstood.

→ many people have not done enough research on the topic of racism or do not have much, if any, first hand experience so they feel their voice is irrelevant to the conversation. And if this is the case, it can be very overwhelming to know where to start.

→ it is a topic that many people believe has the potential to change another persons’ view of them and they are afraid to say the wrong thing. 

→ they may truly not believe that racism exists and believe that talking about it will give the movement more fire than peace.

→ they may be struggling with racism themselves and be afraid to express that.

→ many people were raised in a home where racism was never a healthy discussion but instead a heated, angry and opinionated topic so they avoid talking about it all together. 

All of those reasons are possible explanations as to why some struggle with having this conversation. And no, I’m not saying that having a racist point of view is acceptable, but what I am saying is that if there is ever going to be any healthy traction or growth in this kind of conversation, it has to be had without judgment, criticism, shaming, slander, or hatred.

The truth is that racism is a conversation that needs to be had between you and your spouse, not because it’s a current world conversation, but because whether you know it or not, each of you does have a viewpoint on this topic and that means it’s on the table for discussion in the marriage arena, like all other topics are and should be. Marriage is about sharing life together, growing through your differences and similarities and having this very important racism conversation is an opportunity for you to love each other, learn about each other, challenge each other, grow through each other, and discuss how you can be united together. The point is to connect, grow, and understand… always.

A few years ago, we had a very eye-opening conversation about this topic that came from one of our closest friends experiencing racism in his life. Casey and I were both raised in neighborhoods with all different races and our parents taught us to respect all people no matter the color of their skin. So when our friend started to share his stories and feelings of how he’s handled racism, it made us think about things that we had never even considered and we ended up having a much needed conversation. It brought us together and shed light on new areas that both of us needed to discuss. 

HERE ARE SOME TIPS FOR YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE TO KEEP IN MIND WHEN TALKING ABOUT RACISM: 

Keep an open mind.

You formed your point of view through an entire lifetime of experiences, conversations, and education (be it self-led-research or institutionalized learning). Most likely, your spouse did not have the same experiences, conversations, or education as you did. This means there’s room to respectfully learn about how you each came to your unique understanding and perspective on this topic. 

Assume your spouse has good intentions. 

Your spouse will never share the real, deep, authentic truths of their heart with you if you jump to conclusions about what they mean or are trying to say. Making assumptions about our spouse’s intentions causes us to become defensive and judgmental instead of understanding and gracious. If you feel triggered by something your spouse says, ask clarifying questions! 

Agree to be respectful. 

This is a difficult topic to discuss and it might be difficult for your spouse to find the words to convey their scope of understanding and processing. Be gracious. Consider saying “I’ve never thought of that before – could you explain why you think that?” rather than “I don’t believe it; that’s never happened to me.” Or “help me understand how you came to believe that” instead of “that doesn’t make any sense; you’re wrong; do you even have sources to back that up?”. 

Bonus tip: If you can’t talk about your bills, parenting styles, or sex life without fighting, then it’s probably time to focus on building a stronger emotional connection before you talk about racism. We want you to succeed with this topic of racism and that means you have to be able to be in a good place emotionally. 

Here are some Connecting Questions that you and your spouse can talk through in regards to race that will hopefully start meaningful conversations. 

• Growing up, did your parents ever talk to you about racism? Was it helpful or more of a hindrance and why?  
• What are your family’s views on racism? Do you agree with their beliefs? Why or why not? 
• How often do you think about your racial or ethnic identity and why?  
• Have you ever felt judged, ignored, or mistreated because of your race? 
• What aspect of your racial or ethnic identity makes you the proudest?
• Growing up, did you have friends of different races? Why or why not? 
• Have you ever experienced a situation where your racial or ethnic identity seemed to contribute to a problem or uncomfortable situation?
• Why do you think the topic of racism is such a heated topic with so many people? 
• Does racial or ethnic identity enter in your process of making important or daily decisions? If so, how?
• Have you ever felt different in a group setting because of your race? How did this affect you?
• How can we be a couple that includes all people of all races? 
• What measures do you think our government and society could do to help end racism? 
• Do we have any friends that get emotionally charged when talking about race that we should be aware of? Is there anything you think we can do to help create a safe environment for them to share their opinion?  
• Is there anything you want to be more intentional about when it comes to educating ourselves on racism?  

Final thoughts: We understand that we are not experts on the topic of racism. In fact, like you, we are learning and educating ourselves by committing to having more honest conversations together and with our children. This blog is by no means a cure to fix racism but at Marriage365, we will always help couples, as best we can, to talk about all topics, even heated, uncomfortable and new ones. And we believe that if you and your spouse have healthy conversations in your home, and begin to teach your children how to be inclusive to all people of all colors, we will see a positive impact in our world. 

Written by Meygan Caston and Anna Collins

The post How to talk about racism with your spouse appeared first on Marriage365®.

Source: https://marriage365.com/blog/how-to-talk-about-racism-with-your-spouse/

 

 

I am a half black, half white man married to a Korean American woman and this is our story on how we experienced racial reconciliation in our marriage.

I was new to the area, pursuing my master’s degree when a peer invited me to her house party. Upon entrance, I saw a cute Asian girl dancing in the corner with some friends to Spice Girls and asked my friend who she was: “Oh, that’s my roommate Michelle and she’s currently in a relationship but I don’t think it’s gonna work out.” I proceeded to write down my phone number on a piece of paper and told my friend: “Well, when Michelle’s ready for an upgrade, it’s right here” [points to self]. Turns out Michelle was ready because two weeks later, I was DJing at a nightclub in Long Beach and guess who walked in… Michelle Kim! Even though we didn’t talk much that night, I wanted to make sure she had a good time and I played plenty of 90s hits, including “Wannabe.” We hung out in group settings for several weeks before I finally mustered the courage to ask her on a proper date which landed on Good Friday 2011. 

A couple of months later, she told her Korean immigrant parents about me and they were less than thrilled to find out that their daughter was dating a black (albeit half) man. They begged her to break up with me for a myriad of reasons that were essentially rooted in fear. They had hopes and dreams for their daughter that didn’t include a future with a man who looked like me.

I had experienced microaggression my entire childhood (although I didn’t have a word for it at the time) but it wasn’t until I dated Michelle that I understood the reality of being a black person in America. When Michelle’s parents initially rejected me without knowing me, that was the first time I realized that being black is not valuable. It also confirmed my personal suspicions that I had felt growing up that being black was undesirable. It didn’t matter that I was a pastor or an entrepreneur or a master’s student; all that mattered to Michelle’s parents was that their only daughter was marrying someone who was black. 

Michelle decided to marry me despite her parents’ disapproval and the first few years of our marriage were harder than we could have ever imagined as our cultural differences and expectations began to clash. For example, Michelle desired a level of independence that left me feeling alienated and my overinflated need for attention and acceptance left her feeling smothered. Through regular counseling, we learned then (and still do now) how to live interdependently and pursue unity as a first step towards racial reconciliation in our home and marriage. One day I was studying The Lord’s Prayer on the topic of forgiveness which taught me to release people from the responsibility to make me feel valued because my true value comes from God alone. This practice allows me to bless those who attempt to devalue or dismiss me. I would pray every day that God would restore the relationship with my new wife and my in-laws and I knew in my heart that it would not have happened if I held on to bitterness and resentment. 

Our therapist told us that time equals intimacy so as time went on, we welcomed and took advantage of any and all short, small interactions with Michelle’s parents.

Michelle checked in with her mom regularly and we intentionally extended olive branches in an effort to increase our positive interactions with her parents. After about two years into our marriage, Michelle’s parents needed help moving and we jumped at the occasion to serve because we knew that it would require all of us to be under the same roof with one mission: be productive and create a positive experience. We met a very practical need that day and to my surprise, I was welcomed with loving arms. Michelle and I chose to invest small amounts of time over time and it has made all the difference. I gave my in-laws the permission to not see me the way God sees me and it really freed me up to love them despite their prejudices. 

The pain of rejection would come in waves but the more I realized that God forgives me, the more responsibility I felt to forgive my in-laws.

As a result of both parties’ willingness to grow and by the grace of God, I now have a loving relationship with my in-laws; I even got in trouble once for calling my mother-in-law by her first name because she preferred that I call her “Oma” which means “Mom” in Korean. In July of 2019, we welcomed our first child (and their first grandbaby) into the world who is half Korean, quarter black, and quarter white and is currently hanging out with his grandparents so that we can write this blog post. 

Written by Kelly and Michelle McCoy

Kelly McCoy is a young adults & young professionals pastor at The Church at Rocky Peak and owner of Dlux Entertainment, a DJ/Emcee Company. He received his Bachelor’s degree in Organizational Leadership Development from Biola University and graduated from Talbot Seminary with his Master’s in Apologetics. @kellydlux.

Michelle is a mother, actress and photographer/owner of Michelle Kim Photography. She graduated from UC Irvine with a B.A. in Literary Journalism. She’s been featured on Ray Donovan, Grey’s Anatomy and The Gifted. @michellekimmccoy.

 

 

The post A Look Inside Interracial Marriage appeared first on Marriage365®.

Source: https://marriage365.com/blog/a-look-inside-interracial-marriage/

The power of positivity! something I’m certain you’ve heard of, but so many struggle with and we want to talk about why!

Our thoughts influence the way we see ourselves and the world around us more than you might think they do. We all have an internal narrative we hold about ourselves. In fact, our inner voice is constantly telling us things and unfortunately, more often than not, they are negative. 

When we neglect to practice self-awareness and intentional, positive self-talk, we are left with the negative thoughts we have about ourselves, and focusing on only those will leave us feeling depressed, worthless, and even disappointed. Those negative thoughts actually keep us from living a full, joy-filled life and love, risk, adventure, and meaningful relationships. But we are in control of our thoughts, which means we can always choose to redirect and change those narratives from negative to positive ones. 

Here are some examples of negative self-talk:

• Why did I do that? I’m so stupid.
• I’m never good enough.
• I’m ugly. No one finds me attractive.
• I can’t do anything right.
• I’m a failure.
• Once I have money, then I’ll be happy.
• I’m not confident enough to do that.
• I’m a terrible mom/dad.
• No one likes my ideas.
• If I stand up for myself, I will be an inconvenience.

Are you guilty of thinking any of these thoughts? If you answered ‘yes’ then you know that you have an opportunity to learn how to practice more positive self-talk. 

What’s amazing about our brain is that you can actually ‘trick’ it. It’s true! You can start to rewrite your internal script by speaking positive self-talk often. Think of them as little reminders that a best friend would tell you if you were feeling down.

Here are some examples of positive self-talk: 

• I have the power to change my mind.
• I have permission to change my mind.
• Attempting to do this took courage and I’m proud of myself for trying.
• I love myself for who I am.
• Fear is only a feeling, it cannot hold me back.
• I forgive myself for any past mistakes.
• Even though it wasn’t the outcome I hoped for, I learned a lot about myself.
• I’m a deserving human being.
• I have many qualities, traits, and talents that make me unique.
• I might still have a way to go, but I’m proud of how far I have already come.
• I am capable and strong and I will get through this.
• I trust in myself.
• Tomorrow is a chance to try again, with the lessons learned from today.
• I will give it my all to make this work.
• I can’t control what other people think, say or do. I can only control myself.
• This is an opportunity for me to try something new.
• I can learn from this situation and grow as a person.
• I have the strength to make my dreams come true.
• I am proud of myself for even daring to try.
• I’m allowed to be a different and better version of who I was yesterday.
• When I get through this, I will be able to empower, help, and inspire others.
• I can use my strengths (list a few!) to work through this. I don’t have to be good at everything and I can use these strengths to my advantage to achieve my goals here.
• I will be better on the other side of this experience. I can do this!

Our encouragement is to write these out and put reminders all over so you can have a visual reminder.

Making positive self-talk part of your daily life is ensuring that you’re practicing self-care. And people who practice self-care are usually happier, healthier and more confident.

Written by Meygan Caston and Anna Collins

The post 18 Positive Self Talk Examples appeared first on Marriage365®.

Source: https://marriage365.com/blog/18-positive-self-talk-examples/

I believe that this year has given each of us the unique, personalized, and very intimate experience of “self-reflection”…

…more than probably any other year has. We’ve been asked to be flexible, adaptable, patient, strong, wise, careful, and to shift our focus from ourselves to others around us. This global experience has hit each of us differently- it’s true, we aren’t all in the same boat, but we have all been in the same ocean. Some of us have been sinking, some of us have realized we have much more potential than we ever realized, some of us have been hit with wave after wave, and some of us have been safe from the storm, but have felt our boat rock as we’ve watched this all unfold. We are each in a unique and different phase of re-opening, but each one of us has a truth that we are holding onto as we’ve taken steps toward the light at the end of the tunnel. My question to you today is… what’s yours? 

I was always taught to never waste a challenge by not learning from it.

So here are some questions to help you learn from the last few months, whatever they may have looked like for you: 

—> What did you learn about yourself while the world has been social distancing?

—> Did you learn to enjoy time alone with your family or did it become a tough challenge and why?

—> What ugly parts of yourself do you need to address, now, in the light?

—> What was the most significant change in your perspective during this pandemic? 

—> What amazing and talented parts of yourself have you gotten to know better and now need to put into action in the world around you?

—> Who in your family do you need to apologize to? Who do you need to ask for an apology from?

—> What boundaries do you need to be better at enforcing moving forward? 

—> What made you proud of yourself the last couple of months?

—> What made you disappointed in yourself?

—> What will you miss about the last couple of months?

—> What will you not miss?

—> What friends or family members did you learn you can truly lean on in a crisis?

—> What coping skills or strongholds did you break free of that you want to stay free of?

—> What coping skills or strongholds did you fall into that may not be healthy long-term?

—> What coping skills did you develop that are healthy and that you can carry with you into the next chapter?

—> How did your marriage do during quarantine? Can you identify new growth areas and new strengths between you?

—> How did your parenting evolve during quarantine? Can you identify how you became a better/worse parent while having your kids at home? 

—> As you seek to create new normalcy, what do you want to challenge yourself to do that you haven’t ever done before? Is it realistic? If so, what are some steps you can take to help you get there?

—> During quarantine, what did you find yourself doing most to pass the time? 

—> As your calendar and non essential events were wiped clean, what did you miss the most? What did you not miss at all that you thought you would?

—> Where can you change your priorities in your life, based on what you’ve learned, to maximize your energy and passions? 

—> Now that you’ve had 2 months to experiment, what is your current definition of “self-care”? How did it change from what you thought pre-quarantine? 

—> What is something/someone you took for granted before Covid-19 that you hope to never take for granted again? 

CONNECTION CHALLENGE: Write your answers to these questions down so that you can always reflect on your life during this unprecedented time. 

The post 23 Questions To Ask Yourself Post-Quarantine appeared first on Marriage365®.

Source: https://marriage365.com/blog/23-questions-to-ask-yourself-post-quarantine/

????MATURE CONTENT ALERT: This is a rated R blog post intended for married women who have an open mind and who want to have a healthy and thriving sex life, but need a few ideas to help seduce their husband! 

Behind every sexy and seductive wife is a CONFIDENT woman! 

Confident women are passionate, fun, and creative lovers who want to bring pleasure to their husbands and who want to experience pleasure themselves. Being sexy and seductive for your husband is a form of foreplay and takes place both in and out of the bedroom. Seduction, also known as “sexual initiation”, shows desire for passion and keeps your sex life healthy! Women who have vibrant and fun sex lives are women who have learned the art of seduction and who are constantly striving to be more confident in all areas of their lives. 

So, with that said, here are some of my best tips on how to seduce your hubby!  

• Shower by yourself, touch your genitals, and make noises as he walks by. 

• Men are visual, so go buy some lingerie and surprise him with wearing a robe and then casually taking off the robe or “accidentally” showing a little bit of your lingerie. Now here’s the thing with lingerie. Women typically prefer the silky, pretty, and more comfortable lingerie, while men typically prefer the sexiest ones that are see-through, with lace, and have little to no fabric. Basically the more provocative the better!  

• It’s all about your breasts! Play with them, touch them, let him touch them, bounce them around in his face, wear the bras that push them up and give you great cleavage and even play with you nipples. 

• Do a striptease and the focus is on the word tease! Part of seduction is not giving your entire body away. So put on your favorite sensual song while also putting on a little show for your man. 

• Kisses and nibbles! Slow and soft kisses on and around his ears, neck and inner thighs will have him wanting more of you. And to catch him off guard, occasionally throw a gentle nibble (or small bite) on his earlobe and neck. 

• Use technology and send sexy texts to tease your man throughout the day! Make sure they are Rated R! Be explicit, graphic and show him how much you desire him. Here are a few examples:  

—> “I can’t wait to go down on you tonight”

—> “Who gave you the right to be so sexy?” 

—> “I love your penis in my mouth” 

—> “I am getting wet just thinking of you” 

—> “You + Me and lots of passion under the sheets!”

—>“I can’t believe you how lucky I am to have you inside of me” 

• Massage his body with oils! Use sounds and smells that you know he loves and while massaging him, make sure you compliment his genitals. He needs to hear how attracted you are to him… all of him! 

• The element of surprise is one of the best things you have going for you when you’re wanting to seduce your man. As soon as he comes in the door, take his hand and guide him straight into your bedroom. Or greet him wearing nothing at all!

• If his strongest sense is smell, wear his favorite perfume and also try to wear a different one every once in a while to avoid boredom.

• Take erotic control and show him who is boss. Make the first move and start telling him what you’re going to do to him and what you want him to do to you. Then have him lie back while you call the shots. This is going to require a lot of confidence but you’ve got this!!! 

• Randomly bring up fantasies! Start off by saying,  “Babe, have you ever had a sexual fantasy about us?” “What fantasy do you want us to try tonight?” Be sure to watch our webcast Flirting Foreplay and Fantasies so you’re up to speed on what rules you need to follow. 

• Write rated R love notes and leave them all around the house (unless you have kids) or put them under his pillow, in his car, and in his underwear drawer. Be graphic and explicit! 

—> “I had the wildest fantasy about you last night and want to recreate it tonight!” 

—> “I just thought of a new position that I desperately want to try with you.”

—> “You have a choice tonight, oral or shower sex! Pick one.” 

—> “Thinking about you touching me, literally, turns me on.”

—> “I cannot wait to kiss your entire body from head to toe!” 

—> “I’ll be wearing ONLY heels tonight!”

—> “I’m imagining your mouth on my body and feeling really happy right now!” 

• Tease him with a photo. Don’t send him a nude picture of you but more subtle teasing images and seduce him. Like shots of your nipples from your shirt or a picture of how high up your skirt rides when you are at your desk at work. He will be left to imagine the rest of you. 

If your sex life is needing some TLC, start your FREE 7-day trial by becoming a member to MyMarriage365.

I recommend watching these webcasts first:

Flirting, Foreplay and Fantasies 

Oral Sex Hang Ups 

A sexless Marriage 

Our best Sex Tips 

Written by Meygan Caston
Meygan Caston is the co-founder of Marriage365 and lives in Orange County California with her husband Casey and their two children. She loves the beach, dance parties, writing, spa days, and helping couples connect in their marriage. Her life-long dream is to walk the Camino, have lunch with Brené Brown and get on The Price is Right.

The post How To Seduce Your Husband appeared first on Marriage365®.

Source: https://marriage365.com/blog/how-to-seduce-your-husband/