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Fun and effective tips for couples to enhance their relationship this summer

The post 10 Tips to Enhance Your Relationship appeared first on The Gottman Institute.

There is a shared belief that if every individual can learn how to be more resilient, then they will be able to tackle any tough challenges that may come up in their relationships, their jobs, and their lives.

Resilience has been widely described as the ability to keep going when it gets hard; it is used synonymously with words like grit, toughness, strength, and champions. Champions are resilient, right? They don’t let anything get in their way to victory. Or you might have heard phrases like, “When the going gets tough, the tough get going”. These phrases and ideas are well-intended however they do little to encourage someone in a tough spot to activate their inner resources to take action. Most of the time, phrases like this keep us feeling not good enough, discouraged, and without value. Some of us have spent years or decades working hard at healing and making our marriages and lives better. So when someone says, “You just have to be more resilient in your marriage” when you feel like you’ve been trying to do that for so long, it’s likely you might feel even worse.

We work with so many struggling couples who have said some version of “I have been trying to work on my marriage for years and it isn’t getting better!” This is so painful.

If this is you, I want to encourage you with this: It’s more likely that in your marriage, it is your individual capacities for resilience that are crossing wires rather than you are just an unfit match. While it is true that resilience is a very important part of overcoming adversity, everybody has a different starting point and a different amount available to them. Resilience is not a free-flowing honey pot or something that we can tap into whenever we want – it’s replenishable, yes, but it’s also limited! With that, let’s talk about 3 ways to understand resilience in a way that is helpful and empowering for you and your marriage:

1. RESILIENCE in marriage is a DEPLETABLE RESOURCE

It was a huge “ah-ha” moment for me when I looked at resilience as a depletable resource, or as something that could run out. In my 10+ years studying psychology and mental health, it has never occurred to me that there was an explanation for why I couldn’t be tougher, rise up, or get my sh*t together that didn’t include the sole explanation that I must be doing something wrong or am just not good enough. If that idea feels grossly familiar to you, check this out: I was reading an article about assessing and determining the impact of childhood trauma and came across this sentence: “Childhood resilience can quickly lead to adult resistance”. If you have ever wondered why you keep trying so hard and it’s not getting you anywhere, it’s in that sentence. Researchers have found that the more often a child is called upon to be resilient, the more likely that same child might resist using resilience in adulthood when it’s needed. So, in simpler terms: The more children have to be resilient and find ways to survive trauma when they are young, the less likely they’ll be willing to face challenges as an adult. To apply this to marriage, resilience is EXHAUSTING, and having a childhood where you were called on to be strong over and over and over is exhausting, too. If you are struggling to find it within yourself to truly face the things that haunt you, that makes sense. An adult who faced little adversity or had a lot of protective factors as a kid is more likely to feel available to muster up all their grit and resilience for when the going gets tough. You or your spouse might experience a real and powerful response when leaning into challenges because you may have had to be resilient for so much of your life already that now you are depleted and exhausted. The story that history is telling you now might be: “I’ve been strong and resilient for so much of my life and it hasn’t made it better” It’s not an excuse; it is, however, an explanation and understanding is always the best place to start.

CONNECTION CHALLENGE:

Prolonged suffering can’t be explained or wished away by a lack of being “stronger”. Our challenge to you is to ask your spouse for a conversation to talk about how your past childhood of having to be an adult before you were ready is creating an aversion to having to be an adult right now. It might help offer some insight or some missing pieces.

2. RESILIENCE in marriage is not a synonym for DESIRED OUTCOME

While resilience can help you reach your goals, it also might lead you to a completely different path. Resilience is not only about activating your inner strength but also about activating your inner value. Strength and endurance might be what it takes to achieve your goals, but value is what it takes to set goals that produce peace, joy, and satisfaction in your life. If you’ve been pouring all your energy into fixing something that isn’t getting fixed, consider whether those goals meet your values. Resilience can be used to sustain misery or it can be used to create new possibilities; the choice is yours!

For example…

-You may have spent the last 15 years being resilient in a job you hate because the paycheck is good. If so, it might be time to consider the value of being miserable or treated poorly, or if it might be time to look for an open door somewhere else.

-You may have spent the last 3 years practicing resilience in keeping your marriage together after years of disrespect and your partner is using their “resilience resource” to continue to stay the same and not change. Resilience can be achieved by physically keeping your marriage together, but value is what will help you decide if it’s worth it to you to keep going in this direction.

3. RESILIENCE in marriage requires you to TRY SOFTER, not TRY HARDER

An author and therapist, Aundi Kolber, wrote a book called: “Try Softer: A Fresh Approach to Move Us Out of Anxiety, Stress, and Survival Mode- and into Connection and Joy”. The mental health application part from Aundi that I want to share most is this: Trying harder leaves us burned out, without internal compassion, and without much of a will to keep going. The answer to fixing your marriage isn’t to “try harder” or even to “be more resilient”. Healing from the trauma, pain, or abuse in your life doesn’t come from shaming or gaslighting yourself into hiding the true depth of impact of your experiences. The answer is to “try softer”; to quiet down the parts of you screaming to get a grip and to focus on the parts of you saying this is the truth of my story that matters the most; this is what I truly value and what I want to create next in my life. The answer is to gently embrace and allow yourself to experience peace and acceptance of your own values so that when you choose to use resilience, that grit goes into something you truly feel is worth the battle.  Resilience is not your enemy, shame is!  

We are all using resilience to accomplish something in our lives. The question is, are we using it to accomplish something we value and feel proud of? We can exhaust ourselves working toward something we think we are supposed to want or are supposed to try to make happen. We beat ourselves up over the lack of enoughness we experience, then show up empty to the parts of us we truly care about. The truth is that using resilience as a constant resource is exhausting– at some point, you will run out, and once you do your nervous system will experience a season of resistance against needing to be resilient again.

So, here’s the question: What are you using your resilience resource to accomplish and is it something you truly feel is worth it? If it is, that’s great! (Just remember to take time to rest and replenish your resources). If it’s not, then it is time for you to pause and ask yourself “What am I accomplishing with all my energy and hard work, and what part isn’t working for me anymore? What DO I truly value?”

CONNECTION CHALLENGE:

Talk with your spouse about where you are both feeling exhausted in your lives AND your marriage. What is resilience accomplishing for you and what values might you be compromising in the process?  

Marriage365 offers videos, courses, and podcasts filled with practical skills and guidance to build stronger, more connected marriages. Learn more about our Membership.

Written by Anna Collins

Anna Collins lives in California with her husband and four children. She is passionate about her marriage, staying at home with her kids, writing, coffee, good conversation, and game night. Her life dream is to someday write a book and see it published.

The post Three Proven Tactics to Build Resilience In Marriage appeared first on Marriage365®.

Source: https://marriage365.com/blog/three-proven-tactics-to-build-resilience-in-marriage/

I’m a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a private practice in Tallahassee, FL. My first couples therapy session still stands out to me. I welcomed the couple into the […]

The post We’re on the Brink appeared first on The Gottman Institute.

The answer is probably no since only .5%- 5% of the population is actually diagnosed with Narcissist Personality Disorder, but many people do exhibit narcissist-like behavior. This behavior can be […]

The post Is My Partner a Narcissist? appeared first on The Gottman Institute.

Dear Captain,

I (she/her) am thinking about moving in with my boyfriend (he/him) of 4 years. The problem is that I am afraid of losing my sense of self, and I don’t now if I can be, or want to be, 100% committed to him.

My boyfriend is wonderful in many ways. I love him, and really like spending time with him. I also tend to have better habits concerning sleep and food when I live with someone versus when I live on my own. So, co-habitation with him seems like a good choice. From former relationships, I know that I tend to care too much about my partner’s happiness, and forget to think about what I want. For example, I want to have more adventures than my boyfriend, but I might tell myself I am content with staying at home when he doesn’t want to join me. Maybe this is because as a woman in our patriarchal society, having a successful relationship with a man is seen as the objective.

I should also mention my long distance friend/former hookup, let’s call him Mr. Distance. We met five years ago and spent a couple of days together. We live on opposites ends of the continent, so we couldn’t date. We have have kept in touch, and met two more times as friends. Our conversation can still be a little bit flirty. It’s easy to fantasize and image a perfect relationship, when we never had one. In reality I think any relationship would crash and burn in less than than a year if we tried. But talking to him still gives me a thrill, that I miss in my daily life. It gives me a resort from the worries of everyday life, a space where I don’t have to care what anyone else thinks.

A work-friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer recently, and the first thing she did besides starting treatment was marrying her long time partner. That made me realize that if I had a year to live, I wouldn’t spend that year with my boyfriend. I would travel the world, alone or with Mr Distance. But if I am thinking about the long term future, then I don’t know what to do.

Kind regards,

Twined

Dear Twined,

There’s no rule that couples have to live together after a certain amount of time, and there are other ways to improve your sleep hygiene and eating habits than mixing your books with someone else’s books. If you’d rather not move in with your boyfriend, don’t.

If you decide to give living together a try despite your misgivings, put safeguards in place. For example, instead of combining your current rent payments to afford a bigger place, cut your housing payments in half by looking for a place that either of you could afford on your own if the other person moved out. Sock whatever you can into an emergency fund. Talk openly about how you both want money, housework, and house rules to work to make sure you’re on the same page, like you would with any potential roommate. Talk about what happens when the lease ends and make a plan to check in a few months before and decide for sure whether you want to renew (together, separately, at all) for another year. Lots of people move in with romantic partners as a compatibility test for eventual marriage or long-term cohabitation. Lots of those same people skip these conversations even when they explicitly call it a trial run, and I hear from them when they “can’t” break up without massively destabilizing their finances or access to safe housing.

“What do we do if one or both of us realizes that living together isn’t working?” is a scary question. Love yourselves and each other enough to ask the scary questions. Would your boyfriend want to move in with you in the first place if he knew about these doubts? Does he have doubts of his own, and is there something either of you could do that would make moving in easier to say yes or no to? Does delaying that step spell the end of your relationship, and is that risk worse than the alternative? ‘Cause I can tell you from experience that moving in with someone when you are unsure about the relationship and then realizing that you’ve made a huge mistake once you’re already locked in is in no way easier, cheaper, or better than breaking up or deciding to hold off until you’re truly ready. (Signed, a lady who looked at multiple studio apartments the same month she packed to move in with her ex)

You say “I want to have more adventures than my boyfriend, but I might tell myself I am content with staying at home when he doesn’t want to join me.” Is your boyfriend stopping you from having those adventures, or are you stopping you? Meaning, is this a “break up with people who make your world feel small” problem or is this a “please get a therapist and learn to do stuff without him” problem? “Mr. Distance” sounds like one of those motivating crushes, where it’s not so much about being with the person as it is liking the parts of yourself that come awake when you’re around him. The realization that you wouldn’t spend your last year on earth with your boyfriend is another version of the same message: There’s a happier version of you out there, and there is still time to become her! In your letter you are literally describing what it’s like to experience a call to adventure, so what would happen if you answered? If your life were a rom-com, you’d be in the part where the heroine has to date herself. 

Movie-Twined would have a pretty good relationship with a solid guy who wants her to move in with him, let’s call him Mr. Dependable, and she’d also have tempting Mr. Distance circling around. But”which guy does she pick” wouldn’t be the story, it would just be the rom-com shaped vessel for the real story about figuring out who she wants to be.

Fade in on Twined and Mr. Dependable as guests at a terminally ill coworker’s wedding, where the topic of “what would you do if you only had a year left” is on everyone’s mind. During wedding planning, the bride and groom made a giant list of all the places they want to go and everything they want to see and do over a lifetime together. They’ve written each adventure-task on a slip of paper, and put the slips into a giant bucket, and their plan at the wedding is to draw twelve slips, one for each month of the next year, and then distribute the leftovers between the guests. The couple will accomplish as many things as they can in the time they have, and then it’s up to the people they love to do the rest in their honor.

Twined ends up with three slips of paper. We don’t see what’s written on them before we head into a montage of tearful toasts, first dances, and other wedding reception staples while the soundtrack lays it on thick with At Last and Time In A Bottle and (I’ve Had) The Time Of My Life. By the time Ben Folds sticks the knife allllllllll the way in, we find a runny-mascara’d Twined out on the balcony for a little much-needed air. She’s finally looking at her “bucket list” items when Mr. Dependable comes up behind her and wraps his arms around her from behind, and the last thing we see is her, engulfed in his bear hug almost like she’s being strangled, the slips of paper clutched tightly in her hand. Each subsequent act of the movie will correspond to one of the slips as living out her friend’s dreams leads Twined to discover her own.

What are the adventures on the slips? You tell me. If I were really writing this as a movie, I might build a trio of the bride’s best friends, and each of them gets one adventure like it’s Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants-meets-Little Women-meets-Sitting In Bars With Cake. Since this is your story, you get to fill in the blanks with everything you’d rather be doing when you pretend to be content with staying home with your boyfriend. What could you do with a year?

You could get a therapist and ask them, “How do I figure out where I end and other people begin?”

You could devote one night a week to do something interesting outside of your house, invite your boyfriend or not invite him, and if he doesn’t want to join you, you could do it anyway.

You could finally learn to fence or play an instrument or do the moonwalk or get really into darkroom photography or roller derby or improv or a foreign language or whatever that thing is that you keep resolving to try every January 1 and then not doing.

You could close your eyes, spin a globe, and plan a trip to wherever your finger lands when it stops.

You could volunteer for a cause that you care about and do your bit to change the world.

You could make this the year you focus on making new friends and deepening ties you already have.

You could make this the year that you put in the work to level up in your chosen career field.

You could go to your nearest animal shelter and walk out with just one of the many loves of your life.

I don’t know, but you do. These are your sculptures, your potions, your traveling show, and this is your song. If the duet you’re currently singing has stopped feeling good, improvise something new.