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Hi, Captain!

I need a script, please.

My son has been out since he was little; he’s a teenager now. Because he was unsure of how the rest of the family would react to him if they knew he was gay, he never told any of them that he was gay, and my wife and I have kept his queerness secret from everyone in the family, including his aunt, my sister, who he is particularly close to. None of them have any idea.

Keeping the secret worked well when he was a kid and early teen, even when he had a boyfriend–none of the family are nearby–but soon enough he’ll be doing things (like going to LGBTQ+ summer camps) that we won’t be able to keep secret from his aunt or anyone else in the family.

What’s my script for my sister? She’ll be hurt that he didn’t tell her he was gay, and hurt and angry that neither my wife nor I told her.

Thanks!

Hello!

Your son gets to come out however he wants, whenever he wants, to whomever he wants. He’s not sharing a shameful, harmful secret by coming out, he’s inviting people to be a part of his authentic life, and he can do that–or not do that– at his own pace. Managing the feelings and reactions of straight people about when and how they heard (or didn’t hear) the news should be the least of his problems, now and forever. All straight people ever have to do when someone comes out is say some version of, “I’m so happy for you, and so glad you felt comfortable telling me. I love you and am proud of you, always, and if there’s ever anything I can do to support you, please don’t hesitate to ask.” If your sister can’t manage that, then perhaps he was right to hold off. Pretending to be supportive while punishing someone for not disclosing sooner is completely unacceptable.

If we accept that as a given, then whenever and however your sister learns the news is by definition the right time because it was the right time for your son to share his news. If she gets angry about not hearing the news right away or receiving a personal engraved invitation to his so far unscheduled coming out party, that’s certainly a feeling she is entitled to, but also it’s a feeling that’s her responsibility to manage so that she doesn’t behave like a jerk to a vulnerable kid. Your son is growing up in a world that is increasingly hostile to queer people, there are a million reasons he might want to play things close to the vest with people he doesn’t know for certain are going to be safe. If he had reasons for not telling his aunt before now, her reacting to blame or punish him–or you–for protecting his privacy is not exactly going to dispel those reasons! She has choices about how she reacts here and I hope she makes good ones for everyone’s sake. Since they are close, what do you lose by assuming–and expecting–her to be cool about this and accepting nothing less? If your sister blames you for not telling her before now, your script for her could be, “We told him that it was his decision whenever he was ready, and we’d support him no matter what. He loves and looks up to you a great deal, so I certainly hope you won’t make him regret telling you at all!”

I think your best potential role here is to remain in a supporting one. If your son is ready to come out to the extended family, you could ask him how he would prefer to inform people and how you can best support him. (For example, does he want you to spread the word for him to certain folks, perhaps, so they can have their initial reactions in private and it’s less fraught for him?) As adults, you probably have some pretty good ideas about who is more likely to be an ally than not, and who needs to hear the words “fix your hearts or die” before they’re invited to anything.

If he’s still not ready, then maybe it’s time to talk about social media and digital privacy, and prepare for the possibility that people might find out another way as he gets older. What information, if any,  is he willing to share? If the news were to spread through the family in a way that is ultimately beyond your son’s control, would he like you to run interference on his behalf in some way?Is it necessary to “come out” at all, or can your family just agree to a blanket policy of, “What? You didn’t know? Huh. Well, now you do! That camp is delightful and he so looks forward to it every year. Lovely weather we’re having by the way” if anyone even notices what kind of camp he’s attending? Does it need to be this dramatic reveal, or can people just draw their own conclusions, in other words? They had one assumption and now they should expand their assumptions, it happens! Any and all strategizing is about protecting his experience and buffering him from potential bullshit, not about coddling the feelings of his straight relatives.

Dear Captain Awkward,

I (she/her) am getting married to my partner of seven years (he/him) in a few months. Yay!
My question is about our mutual friend Sam (they/them).  I’ve been friends with Sam for over 10 years (we were close in college and for a few years after, we’ve seen each other less lately but that seems to be the way of most of my friendships.)  Sam is also my fiancés ex. They dated for almost three years before we met.  Their breakup was amicable, they’re on good terms, and Sam was the one who introduced me to my fiancé.  Sam’s in a happy relationship with someone else now.

Sam expects to be invited to the wedding (which is reasonable, we’re all friends).  My fiancé doesn’t want his ex there (which is also reasonable, that was his first serious relationship and if Sam’s going to dredge up feelings he’d rather not deal with on his wedding day, he shouldn’t have to.)

I’ve talked to my fiancé about it, and we think the solution that would make everyone happiest is if I JUST invite Sam to my bachelorette party (which will be fun, I’m planning a multi-day celebration with a lot of my college friends).  But… I don’t know how to tell Sam. I am sure they would be hurt to hear that fiancé doesn’t want them at the wedding, but what else can I tell them?  Blame it on a very superstitious relative?  Tell Sam we eloped, and hope no one else mentions the wedding at the bachelorette party?  Manipulate someone in Sam’s family into getting married on the exact same day, so that Sam has to go to that wedding instead?
I’m tempted to just do nothing (and hope I never run into Sam ever again in my life), but Sam would also be hurt when they see the pictures on Facebook later and infer they weren’t invited, so I’m really just trying to avoid an awkward conversation.  Which is why I need you, Captain!  How do I even deliver that kind of invitation?  What do I say?

Additional context: the wedding is in a different part of the country.  Recently, Sam announced that they’ve accepted a new job and will be moving to that part of the country. They’ll be living there when the wedding happens, so I can’t use travel/logistics as an excuse why they’re not invited.  So, either way, I’m expecting my friendship with Sam to grow more distant, but I’d feel better if we left things off with a fun celebration instead of an awkward cold shoulder.
Help me, Captain!

Awkward Bride

Dear Awkward Bride,

Congratulations on your impending marriage. Unfortunately, I think your fiancé is being a coward and putting you in a terrible position, and I am very cross with him on your behalf as well as Sam’s. I also have questions about your definition of the word “reasonable.”

Look, you and your fiancé can invite anybody you want to your wedding, and you can trim or expand your guest list for any reason you want. In most cases, I’d also advise you to be a united front about this stuff (“We decided…”) rather than let one person shoulder the blame. Other people don’t have to like or agree with your decisions, so you need to accept that it may hurt their feelings and alter your relationship with them if they are excluded. But ultimately, it is your call, and my advice doesn’t change that.

Still, I have to wonder: If Sam, who introduced you both to the loves of your lives, the loyal friend who has carried no torches and caused no issues for more than a decade, can’t dance at your wedding, then who is invited to this party? Everybody else you know in common going back to your college years together, right? That’s who-all will be at the hen do, that’s who you worry will spill the beans across social media and torpedo any pretense that it was a small ceremony with only blood relatives.

Of course Sam “reasonably” expects to be invited to your wedding, because they reasonably want to celebrate with you, just like all of your other friends who love you and want you to be happy. And they “reasonably” expect to not be the only person from that period of your life who is left out.

I’m sure your fiancé must have his reasons for this sudden insistence on banishing the longtime friend who brought you together from the wedding feast, but if those reasons are so reasonable, why would he expect you to deliver the bad news instead of calling Sam up himself like a fucking adult? “Given our history as exes, I’d prefer you not be at the wedding. But I know Awkward Bride would really love to have you at her big weekend away with the college gang if you’re up for it.” Boom. Handled.

That would not be a fun conversation for anyone, but it would at least be honest. Sam could stop checking the mail for an invitation that’s never coming and make an informed decision about what kind of friendship they want with you going forward. And, while I’m sure your bachelorette party will be very nice, it would probably be a relief if everyone could stop pretending that Sam would jump at the chance to travel at their own expense to a multi-day affair to pre-game for a different party they have just been disinvited from in their own back yard. In fact, I can think of only one reason Sam would ever show up at that thing, and it’s not because it’s “the solution that would make everyone happiest” or to “(leave) things off with a fun celebration instead of an awkward cold shoulder” (like a “fun” funeral, but for friendship!) It would be to look you in the face and ask, “Who are you and what did you do with my friend, Awkward Bride?” and “Why?” Did Sam do something wrong? Have they been misreading everything about the past ten years?

I think all of the flailing in your letter about wanting to never see Sam again, wanting to keep your wedding a secret from them, and wanting this whole thing to magically disappear to avoid an awkward conversation is because you are ashamed. Either you don’t know the answer to “Why?” or you do know, and the answer sucks so bad that you would rather never see this person again than say it out loud.

Something stinks here. And I think it stinks so bad that you are on the verge of throwing away an important friendship — your friendship with Sam, not his —and abrogating your own ethics and better judgment into the bargain, rather than demand an honest explanation from your fiancé or insist that he do his own dirty work. So here is a script for that conversation:

“Fiancé, come on, what is this really about? I get that you’re worried about having ‘an ex’ around on your wedding day, or, at least I’m trying to, but this is Sam we’re talking about. Sam, who introduced us to each other. Sam, who is my friend as much as yours. Sam, who will be happier for us than anybody in the world. So what aren’t you telling me?”

No matter how much we might wish it in less amicable circumstances, the people we used to love do not crumble to dust when we are done with them. We either go our separate ways, or we learn to become something else to each other. Your fiancé and Sam have at least ten years of uneventful “something else” under their belts, so what is your fiancé so afraid of now? What are all these “complicated feelings” that are suddenly emerging? Is he secretly having an affair with Sam? Is he worried that he’ll leave you at the altar and run off with Sam into the night, like the ending of The Graduate? Perhaps he fears Sam will stand up during the “speak now or forever hold your peace” bit and reveal the existence of a secret Attic Wife?

Is he worried about being faced with evidence that he has been in love more than once (as have you, almost certainly) and it all turned out …fine? Better than fine? “Oh yeah, we dated a million years ago, and then they introduced me to Awkward Bride. How great is that?” Are we all pretending to be virgins until the wedding night now? Seems a little late for that. But these feelings must be a pretty big deal, though, so you’d probably better unpack them before you tie the knot!

Or, I hate to even think this, but is this all happening because your fiancé’s family might remember someone called “Samantha” who used different pronouns once upon a time, and he doesn’t want the bigots in his family to have to contemplate the singular they for a singular day in relation to their totally heterosexual adult son? Because if so, that’s an even worse reason for all of this. “We support trans rights and trans people! Some of our best friends…etc.! Just, not at our wedding.” Wouldn’t want things to be awkward, right?

Just, on a strictly practical level, what does your fiancé imagine will happen if Sam attends the main event? Sam and any plus one they bring are pretty much going to don their gay apparel, eat dinner, bring you both a nice present, catch up with their college friends, and form part of the blur of well-wishers toasting your future. Whereas, if you don’t invite Sam, given how many of the other guests know them and their role in your origin story as a couple, how many of the conversations will be about Sam? “Where’s Sam?” “Wait, didn’t Sam introduce you two?” “I thought Sam was going to be here!” “Didn’t Sam just move to the next town over?” “How’s Sam doing?” “Is Sam okay? Could they not make it?” “Wait, you really didn’t invite Sam? Why on earth not?”

Truly, if you were trying to design a course of action that gives Sam and your fiancé’s ancient history maximum power to loom over the occasion while also maximally hurting Sam’s feelings (and potentially coddling hateful in-laws ) this seems like how to accomplish that worst of all possible worlds. It wouldn’t be like those old stories about being cursed by the bad fairy who wasn’t invited to the feast. You’d be your own bad fairies.

In the end, if your fiancé’s heart is really set on excluding Sam, then he owes you a real explanation before you decide anything. And he definitely owes you the courtesy of breaking the news and handling any fallout his own damn self. After he does his bit, then I guess you could reach out and say, “Sam, I’m so sorry. I don’t get it but I’m trying to respect fiancé’s wishes, but I truly want you to come to my party if you are willing to come.” Not out of guilt or to avoid awkwardness, but because Sam is your friend and your friendship is about more than this one day and about more than one dude’s discomfort.

One more thing while I have you, think of it as a wedding gift. You mentioned that you’d seen Sam less in recent years, and “that seems to be the way of most of my friendships.” You also say, “So, either way, I’m expecting my friendship with Sam to grow more distant.”

Not all friendships last forever, and that’s not always a bad thing. We outgrow each other, we drift apart, we move away, our lives go in different directions as we get absorbed in marriages, careers, caring for elders or raising kids, and eventually the glue of proximity and being young together isn’t enough to hold relationships together without sustained, intentional effort. But it doesn’t have to be like that. Whatever you decide about Sam, Awkward Bride, I implore you to fight for your friendships and treasure them as much as you treasure your marriage. Love your husband, but do not accept his limitations as your own and do not accept a future where your friendships just fade into the background because you’re married now. Life is always both shorter and longer than we imagine. If you are very lucky, there will be decades of your life when long phone calls, letters, and annual weekends away to bask in the laughter of friends who knew you way back when will be the most healing, magical, necessary parts of your life. Your wedding (and associated celebrations) can be just one loop in that long chain of good times ahead if you let it. That old campfire song didn’t lie: Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver, and the other’s gold. Stay gold, Awkward Bride. I hope you stay gold.

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