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Dear Captain Awkward,
I have been involved in a long distance situationship (intimate friends) for 3 years. She lives in Minnesota and I am in Missouri. We met once then became friends online and that is where it blossomed. I have visited her once and it was a very intimate and fun experience for both of us, although she did mention once or twice while I was there that she noticed my body order. I took care of it ASAP every time, it didn’t seem like a big deal. Anyway, we have been planning on another visit but she keeps bringing up the BO problem and has even said, “If it is as bad as last time, you have to get a hotel and can’t stay with me.” Which is confusing because we were very intimate last time and she didn’t seem to mind, she was enjoying herself quite a bit and said so for weeks afterwards.
Should I just take her advice and be super diligent about BO or is this emotional manipulation or gaslighting of some sort? My close friends tell me they never notice my body odor and I bathe once to twice daily and use deodorant every day as well as brush multiple times a day… Also, and here’s the dinger, she has untreated BPD.
Hello there, I kept thinking about your question, and I couldn’t figure out why at first, but then I realized it’s a perfect example of a request for an objective ruling about something that depends entirely on subjectivity. It’s what the advice column genre is made for, gaining outside perspective on a vulnerable and intimate situation, with a teensy bit of “Dear Captain Awkward, who is more right here (and why is it me)?” sprinkled in. Thank you for sending it, I’m going to do my best to help.
The way you’ve set up the problem, either you actually smell bad or it’s all in your friend’s head. But many things can be true at the same time: She had a great time *and* she likes you *and* she wants to see you again *and* she has a sensitive sense of smell and/or is particularly sensitive to something about *your* smell, so she would like your help mitigating so that next time you can have a better hot-sex-to-awkward-conversation ratio.
I certainly have no way of knowing whether your usual ablutions are sufficient unto the sexy day. And, respectfully, unless your friends routinely bring their faces within kissing distance of your naked b-hole, neither do they. Even we were all working from the same dataset, how people smell to each other is wildly subjective.Your friends and I could only tell you about how you smell to us, not to anyone else. In truth, I have heard tell of one earthly being who always smelled objectively great to everyone he met, and his name was Prince. In the 1990s I ate peanut butter sandwiches for a month so I could afford to see him play live. I couldn’t afford the front row where people might catch a whiff or feel droplets of Princely sweat land on them while he thrashed, wailed, writhed, and shredded for four hours straight (that was like, six months of PB&J, worth it in retrospect), but even from the cheap seats I could believe all the rumors that he smelled like angels fucking.
Then there’s the distressing fact that how we smell isn’t always consistent, either to others or to ourselves.. I can personally attest to the fact that aging and shifts in hormones, diet, health conditions, stress, etc. can drastically change how bodies react to familiar routines and products. One minute I was aging like fine wine, and the next I was aging like cheese, and not basic supermarket cheese sealed in plastic, I’m talking serious cheese, with funk levels a Parisian cheesemonger once calibrated by asking whether I would prefer un fromage comme le vagin, un fromage comme des pieds, or un fromage comme le mort[¹] and then had me taste a morsel from each category to determine just how much adventure I could tolerate. I think of that story every time I eat a fancy cheese that warrants a rating on the crotch-feet-death scale and also when the basic deodorant-antiperspirant combo I relied upon for decades proved no match for weapons-grade perimenopause sweats and I had to ransack the whole drugstore before something called “Bearglove” even made a dent. Whenever I apply it, it smells exactly like the soap-on-a-rope I used to get my dad for Father’s Day when I was a kid, and no, that’s not weird at all, just me and my septuagenarian dad-armpits over here keeping it sexy.
You mention independent smell assessments, the possibility of gaslighting and emotional manipulation, and toss out your friend’s mental health diagnosis all as if to say, are her perceptions about this even real? I wasn’t sure whether you intended “BPD” to stand for bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder, but what do you know, I looked it up and there is some evidence[²] that *either* condition can heighten or alter olfactory responses, though olfactory hallucinations can have many other causes, including COVID-19.[³] So it’s possible that a smell can be in someone’s head, but that doesn’t mean the smeller isn’t “really” experiencing it.
It seems to me that whatever you’re emitting, whatever she is sensing, you’re not doing It with the Principle of Objective Truth, you’re having sex with one specific person, with her unique, subjective needs. So what do you win if you successfully “prove” her wrong about her own experiences and preferences? What’s the plan here? “Your concerns are noted, but I think I shower enough and my friends/people on the internet all say I smell fine, so quit being so crazy and do me.” Seductive! If that somehow sounds *easier* than booking a hotel room and taking more showers because the person you’re sleeping with asked you to, then that’s a problem where the solution is: 1) Find a dumpster 2) Get in.
Do you really and truly think she’s manipulating you? Has that been an issue in the past? Just like I can’t smell you, I don’t have your years of history with her, so if your gut is telling you something is not right here you should probably listen and apply the brakes accordingly. Nobody has to be gaslighting anybody for something to not be working, and either of you can put an end to the relationship at any time.
If you want to double-check your instincts, think back to your last visit and the times she asked you to take care of a smell. Did fulfilling her request make things better, at least in the immediate aftermath? From your letter, it sounds like it did: “I took care of it ASAP every time, it didn’t seem like a big deal.” She raised a problem, you solved it, you went back to having fun, there were no blow-ups or crises. Everybody still likes each other and wants to do the fun thing again, and seems to be able to talk openly about any concerns. That does not sound like a warning bell to me. Going forward, pay attention to what happens when you agree to or offer a reasonable solution to a problem she raises. When bad faith actors get exactly what they say they want, they will shoot down every solution so they have more excuses to criticize and argue.
Assuming she isn’t gaslighting you into a perpetual argument, and assuming that ignoring her requests and pressuring her to comply anyway is not your plan (and it fucking better not be), then I must ask, what is the argument against acting on the consistent, actionable feedback she gave you? Why on earth would you not “take her advice and just be super-diligent about BO?” She’s been direct, so why not be just as direct? “Nobody’s ever had this kind of reaction to my powerful musk before, so I confess I’m not sure exactly what else to do. But I want to do whatever it takes to have a great time with you and ease your mind, and I want you to feel like you can tell me what you need.”
Fortunately, you already know at least two things you could try that might make your friend look forward to the visit more.
1) Book a hotel, already. Since she’s mentioned a hotel more than once, maybe don’t wait for her to bring it up again or force the issue, and don’t look at it as a punishment or reluctant concession. If you make getting a hotel Plan A now, it’s a great way to show that you take her comfort seriously. “You mentioned a hotel a few times, and you know what, I think that’s a great idea, so I got a room at ________.”
Right now, there is this bird outside my window who chirps at the exact frequency and pitch of my alarm. The first morning it woke me up, it was a little bit annoying. Four days in, that bird makes me feel like a protagonist in an Edgar Allan Poe story. I’ll be wide awake in bed, or here at my desk working away, and realize I’ve been grinding my teeth in frustration in time to the tune of Cheep-cheepity-cheep? Cheep! Cheep! Cheep! for the last hour. I promise I’m not going to invite the jaunty little asshole in for a tour of my special wine basement, but my point is, something that would normally be a small, passing annoyance intensifies with proximity and time.
It sounds like you both had years to build up a fantasy of what it would be like to be together in meatspace, and then you were together and it was both really great and, well…meatier…than it was in her head. Online friendship, even close, intimate friendship, is not the same as hosting someone in your space for multiple days. A hotel will give you the chance to balance intimacy with privacy and take a lot of pressure off of both of you.
2) Clean yourself right before sex as a matter of routine, even if you’ve already showered that day. That way everyone can relax and hopefully smell-chat can be limited to, “Here, let me wash up real quick.” It doesn’t have to be dramatic or a big deal if you just do it as a matter of course. And if you decide now that you’ll just do it every time, it won’t be hanging over you all the time.
Bodies are leaky and sex will inevitably get messy if you’re any good at it, which it sounds like you are. But now that you know your partner prefers starting with a clean slate, spending ten minutes to take a washcloth to the nooks and crannies doesn’t seem like an unreasonable request. If it helps, I’m pretty sure Prince would take the ten minutes. For a Minnesota girl who says exactly what she wants in bed? He’d take all the time in the world.
Notes:
[1] Loosely, was I okay with stinky cheeses and if so did I want a cheese (that tastes or smells) like a vagina, like feet, or like death? I found the proffered samples delicious-amazing, delicious-good, and not for amateurs in that order. Team Vagina-Feet all the way.
[2] To read more about the science, see:
Hardy, Caitlin et al. “Olfactory acuity is associated with mood and function in a pilot study of stable bipolar disorder patients.” Bipolar disorders vol. 14,1 (2012): 109-17. doi:10.1111/j.1399-5618.2012.00986.x
Arrondo, Gonzalo et al. “Hedonic and disgust taste perception in borderline personality disorder and depression.” The British journal of psychiatry : the journal of mental science vol. 207,1 (2015): 79-80. doi:10.1192/bjp.bp.114.150433
[3] Phantosmia (Olfactory Hallucinations), The Cleveland Clinic, https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24799-phantosmia, March 7, 2023
Dear Captain,
Two weeks ago, I randomly met a man and (we’ve talked about it together) we both felt an instant spark. We then spent the next days chatting (he lives a few hours away) and he has been the cutest, most flirtatious person I’ve ever met. he gives very thoughtful compliments, told me about his life, his family and his dreams in life (and vice versa) and I feel (even tho I’ve only known him a short while) very safe with him- something i don’t have often with men.The thing is that he’s got a girlfriend (they’ve been together for 3 years).
He has told me that he did not feel this love-themed excitement he feels for me about someone in quite some years and I have no reason to doubt it, I’m just unsure where this can go. We have not kissed or anything and I would not do that while he’s in a monogamous relationship, but there is a strong emotional connection forming. How the fuck do I proceed? My brainstorming has gotten me:
a) Stop chatting for the most part, only as friends, sit aside and wait if his relationship eventually breaks (chance that we part ways: strong)
b) Tell him to tell his girlfriend that he is also in love with someone else (bc that’s the thing: he also loves his gf which is fair) and see what happens (chance that she’s losing trust in him: strong, not good)
c) Tell him to softly talk to her about non-monogamous dating options and see how she feels about it (chance that she doesn’t want poly/open relationship: strong and fair, can’t force that stuff)
d) I’m out of ideas and in desperate need of input, I sincerely hope you can help me unwrangle this knot in my head!
Thank you for your help in advance (even if you decide not to answer- i love your posts they helped me decide to break up with my abusive ex) and i hope you have a lovely day! (pronouns: they them)
Hello and thanks for the question and the kind words! It sounds like you and this guy both met a fascinating and sexy person who is making you question everything about your current lives and fantasize about new possibilities.
Let’s go through your list of options and see if we can come up with the right one for the right circumstances.
“a) Stop chatting for the most part, only as friends, sit aside and wait if his relationship eventually breaks (chance that we part ways: strong)”
I don’t recommend this one except for the parting ways part of it. Pretending that you’re friends is only going to get you in deeper. You’re not friends, you’re two people on the verge of an infatuation, and feeding that infatuation while he is still partnered does not seem like a great idea for you. Do you really want to be his sounding board about his existing relationship with somebody else, there to comfort him about his indecision and wait around for him to decide… something? Or do you want to, you know, actually date him when and if he’s able to do so freely? Mistaking those two things is a recipe for a lot of emotional entanglement and stress for you without much advantage.
“b) Tell him to tell his girlfriend that he is also in love with someone else (bc that’s the thing: he also loves his gf which is fair) and see what happens (chance that she’s losing trust in him: strong, not good) ”
Telling his girlfriend he met someone else is certainly an option that he has! Sounds like a) an extremely classic pop song and b) a whole lot of Not Your Problem. Crushes happen, and sometimes meeting someone new can be a catalyst for leaving a relationship that isn’t working anymore, but sometimes a crush is just a passing moment. How he handles all of this will tell you a lot about what kind of person he is. Instead of advising a course of action, maybe ask questions. “Okay, you’ve said you have feelings for me, so, what do you plan to do about that?”
I recognize that this level of instant attraction is rare for you, but charming, flirtatious, men who love to talk about their hopes and dreams with an attractive new person while keeping their existing relationship are not exactly rare in the universe, and it’s healthy to be very, very skeptical of them. If Mr. Surprisingly Sexy wants to break up with his girlfriend and be single, he can do that any old time. If he’s interested in a relationship with you, he can make a series of decisions to make that more possible. I suggest that you give away nothing until you see evidence that he’s done so.
“c) Tell him to softly talk to her about non-monogamous dating options and see how she feels about it (chance that she doesn’t want poly/open relationship: strong and fair, can’t force that stuff) ”
This is also certainly a choice that he has open to him if he is into non-monogamy. It’s probably something that should have occurred to him before seeking out random new exciting people and sharing all his feelings, but maybe this is the inspiration he needed!
However, we’re back to the whole thing where his relationship with his girlfriend and how she feels about things is not your problem to solve even if you had the power to solve it, which you don’t. Whether to open a three-year relationship vs. ending it is a complicated process and it’s not going to be solved with, “Hey, so I was wondering how you feel about opening our relationship btw I met someone great so could you decide like, now?”
Not to mention, how do *you* feel about open/poly relationships and is this the right match for you?
Here is my suggestion for option “e”:
First, watch Take This Waltz, a film by Sarah Polley. It’s about meeting someone who absolutely wrecks you with lust and the consequences. It’s a lovely film and it will hopefully make you feel less alone with all of these feelings.
Next, tell this gentleman that you’ve enjoyed meeting him very much and that he should look you up if and when he’s ever single, but you’re not available to pretend to be his friend while you flirt your faces off or serve as his breakup doula at this time. Wish him luck and assume he has the same access to therapists, friends, sympathetic bartenders, and anonymous internet forums that you do if he needs someone to lean on while he makes big decisions. Then, delete his contact info from your rectangular dopamine delivery device, stop responding to or checking for messages from him, and put your time and focus somewhere else. If he does change his situation and eventually come looking for you, you can make a decision then with more evidence about whether he is the real deal. In the meantime, enjoy and remember the feeling you got from connecting with someone, so you’ll recognize it when someone else inspires you in the same way.
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One of the ways we can ensure this is by dressing them in stylish and comfortable clothing. However, with so many options out there, it can be overwhelming to decide what to buy for your little ones. This guide will help you navigate the world of children's clothing and find the perfect outfits for your kids. Children's Clothing Manufacturers in India/>roximity; --tw-ordinal: ; --tw-slashed-zero: ; --tw-numeric-figure: ; --tw-numeric-spacing: ; --tw-numeric-fraction: ; --tw-ring-inset: ; --tw-ring-offset-width:0px; --tw-ring-offset-color:#fff; --tw-ring-color:rgba(59,130,246,0.5); --tw-ring-offset-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-ring-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-shadow-colored:0 0 transparent; --tw-blur: ; --tw-brightness: ; --tw-contrast: ; --tw-grayscale: ; --tw-hue-rotate: ; --tw-invert: ; --tw-saturate: ; --tw-sepia: ; --tw-drop-shadow: ; --tw-backdrop-blur: ; --tw-backdrop-brightness: ; --tw-backdrop-contrast: ; --tw-backdrop-grayscale: ; --tw-backdrop-hue-rotate: ; --tw-backdrop-invert: ; --tw-backdrop-opacity: ; --tw-backdrop-saturate: ; --tw-backdrop-sepia: ; margin: 2rem 0px 1rem; line-height: 1.33333; color: var(--tw-prose-headings);">Choosing the Right Size/>roximity; --tw-ordinal: ; --tw-slashed-zero: ; --tw-numeric-figure: ; --tw-numeric-spacing: ; --tw-numeric-fraction: ; --tw-ring-inset: ; --tw-ring-offset-width:0px; --tw-ring-offset-color:#fff; --tw-ring-color:rgba(59,130,246,0.5); --tw-ring-offset-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-ring-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-shadow-colored:0 0 transparent; --tw-blur: ; --tw-brightness: ; --tw-contrast: ; --tw-grayscale: ; --tw-hue-rotate: ; --tw-invert: ; --tw-saturate: ; --tw-sepia: ; --tw-drop-shadow: ; --tw-backdrop-blur: ; --tw-backdrop-brightness: ; --tw-backdrop-contrast: ; --tw-backdrop-grayscale: ; --tw-backdrop-hue-rotate: ; --tw-backdrop-invert: ; --tw-backdrop-opacity: ; --tw-backdrop-saturate: ; --tw-backdrop-sepia: ; margin-bottom: 1.25em;">When it comes to buying children's clothing, size is crucial. You don't want clothes that are too big or too small, as they can be uncomfortable and look sloppy. Here are some tips for choosing the right size:/>roximity; --tw-ordinal: ; --tw-slashed-zero: ; --tw-numeric-figure: ; --tw-numeric-spacing: ; --tw-numeric-fraction: ; --tw-ring-inset: ; --tw-ring-offset-width:0px; --tw-ring-offset-color:#fff; --tw-ring-color:rgba(59,130,246,0.5); --tw-ring-offset-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-ring-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-shadow-colored:0 0 transparent; --tw-blur: ; --tw-brightness: ; --tw-contrast: ; --tw-grayscale: ; --tw-hue-rotate: ; --tw-invert: ; --tw-saturate: ; --tw-sepia: ; --tw-drop-shadow: ; --tw-backdrop-blur: ; --tw-backdrop-brightness: ; --tw-backdrop-contrast: ; --tw-backdrop-grayscale: ; --tw-backdrop-hue-rotate: ; --tw-backdrop-invert: ; --tw-backdrop-opacity: ; --tw-backdrop-saturate: ; --tw-backdrop-sepia: ; margin: 2rem 0px 1rem; line-height: 1.33333; color: var(--tw-prose-headings);">Materials and Fabrics/>roximity; --tw-ordinal: ; --tw-slashed-zero: ; --tw-numeric-figure: ; --tw-numeric-spacing: ; --tw-numeric-fraction: ; --tw-ring-inset: ; --tw-ring-offset-width:0px; --tw-ring-offset-color:#fff; --tw-ring-color:rgba(59,130,246,0.5); --tw-ring-offset-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-ring-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-shadow-colored:0 0 transparent; --tw-blur: ; --tw-brightness: ; --tw-contrast: ; --tw-grayscale: ; --tw-hue-rotate: ; --tw-invert: ; --tw-saturate: ; --tw-sepia: ; --tw-drop-shadow: ; --tw-backdrop-blur: ; --tw-backdrop-brightness: ; --tw-backdrop-contrast: ; --tw-backdrop-grayscale: ; --tw-backdrop-hue-rotate: ; --tw-backdrop-invert: ; --tw-backdrop-opacity: ; --tw-backdrop-saturate: ; --tw-backdrop-sepia: ; margin-bottom: 1.25em;">The type of fabric used in children's clothing is essential, as it can affect the comfort and durability of the garment. Here are some common materials used in children's clothing:/>roximity; --tw-ordinal: ; --tw-slashed-zero: ; --tw-numeric-figure: ; --tw-numeric-spacing: ; --tw-numeric-fraction: ; --tw-ring-inset: ; --tw-ring-offset-width:0px; --tw-ring-offset-color:#fff; --tw-ring-color:rgba(59,130,246,0.5); --tw-ring-offset-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-ring-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-shadow-colored:0 0 transparent; --tw-blur: ; --tw-brightness: ; --tw-contrast: ; --tw-grayscale: ; --tw-hue-rotate: ; --tw-invert: ; --tw-saturate: ; --tw-sepia: ; --tw-drop-shadow: ; --tw-backdrop-blur: ; --tw-backdrop-brightness: ; --tw-backdrop-contrast: ; --tw-backdrop-grayscale: ; --tw-backdrop-hue-rotate: ; --tw-backdrop-invert: ; --tw-backdrop-opacity: ; --tw-backdrop-saturate: ; --tw-backdrop-sepia: ; font-size: 1.25em; margin: 1rem 0px 0.5rem; line-height: 1.6; color: var(--tw-prose-headings);">Cotton/>roximity; --tw-ordinal: ; --tw-slashed-zero: ; --tw-numeric-figure: ; --tw-numeric-spacing: ; --tw-numeric-fraction: ; --tw-ring-inset: ; --tw-ring-offset-width:0px; --tw-ring-offset-color:#fff; --tw-ring-color:rgba(59,130,246,0.5); --tw-ring-offset-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-ring-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-shadow-colored:0 0 transparent; --tw-blur: ; --tw-brightness: ; --tw-contrast: ; --tw-grayscale: ; --tw-hue-rotate: ; --tw-invert: ; --tw-saturate: ; --tw-sepia: ; --tw-drop-shadow: ; --tw-backdrop-blur: ; --tw-backdrop-brightness: ; --tw-backdrop-contrast: ; --tw-backdrop-grayscale: ; --tw-backdrop-hue-rotate: ; --tw-backdrop-invert: ; --tw-backdrop-opacity: ; --tw-backdrop-saturate: ; --tw-backdrop-sepia: ; margin-bottom: 1.25em;">Cotton is a natural fabric that is soft, breathable, and easy to care for. It is perfect for everyday wear and is suitable for children with sensitive skin./>roximity; --tw-ordinal: ; --tw-slashed-zero: ; --tw-numeric-figure: ; --tw-numeric-spacing: ; --tw-numeric-fraction: ; --tw-ring-inset: ; --tw-ring-offset-width:0px; --tw-ring-offset-color:#fff; --tw-ring-color:rgba(59,130,246,0.5); --tw-ring-offset-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-ring-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-shadow-colored:0 0 transparent; --tw-blur: ; --tw-brightness: ; --tw-contrast: ; --tw-grayscale: ; --tw-hue-rotate: ; --tw-invert: ; --tw-saturate: ; --tw-sepia: ; --tw-drop-shadow: ; --tw-backdrop-blur: ; --tw-backdrop-brightness: ; --tw-backdrop-contrast: ; --tw-backdrop-grayscale: ; --tw-backdrop-hue-rotate: ; --tw-backdrop-invert: ; --tw-backdrop-opacity: ; --tw-backdrop-saturate: ; --tw-backdrop-sepia: ; font-size: 1.25em; margin: 1rem 0px 0.5rem; line-height: 1.6; color: var(--tw-prose-headings);">Polyester/>roximity; --tw-ordinal: ; --tw-slashed-zero: ; --tw-numeric-figure: ; --tw-numeric-spacing: ; --tw-numeric-fraction: ; --tw-ring-inset: ; --tw-ring-offset-width:0px; --tw-ring-offset-color:#fff; --tw-ring-color:rgba(59,130,246,0.5); --tw-ring-offset-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-ring-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-shadow-colored:0 0 transparent; --tw-blur: ; --tw-brightness: ; --tw-contrast: ; --tw-grayscale: ; --tw-hue-rotate: ; --tw-invert: ; --tw-saturate: ; --tw-sepia: ; --tw-drop-shadow: ; --tw-backdrop-blur: ; --tw-backdrop-brightness: ; --tw-backdrop-contrast: ; --tw-backdrop-grayscale: ; --tw-backdrop-hue-rotate: ; --tw-backdrop-invert: ; --tw-backdrop-opacity: ; --tw-backdrop-saturate: ; --tw-backdrop-sepia: ; margin-bottom: 1.25em;">Polyester is a synthetic fabric that is durable, wrinkle-resistant, and easy to care for. It is often used in athletic wear and is suitable for children who are active./>roximity; --tw-ordinal: ; --tw-slashed-zero: ; --tw-numeric-figure: ; --tw-numeric-spacing: ; --tw-numeric-fraction: ; --tw-ring-inset: ; --tw-ring-offset-width:0px; --tw-ring-offset-color:#fff; --tw-ring-color:rgba(59,130,246,0.5); --tw-ring-offset-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-ring-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-shadow-colored:0 0 transparent; --tw-blur: ; --tw-brightness: ; --tw-contrast: ; --tw-grayscale: ; --tw-hue-rotate: ; --tw-invert: ; --tw-saturate: ; --tw-sepia: ; --tw-drop-shadow: ; --tw-backdrop-blur: ; --tw-backdrop-brightness: ; --tw-backdrop-contrast: ; --tw-backdrop-grayscale: ; --tw-backdrop-hue-rotate: ; --tw-backdrop-invert: ; --tw-backdrop-opacity: ; --tw-backdrop-saturate: ; --tw-backdrop-sepia: ; list-style-position: initial; list-style-image: initial; margin: 0px 0px 1.25em; padding: 0px 0px 0px 1rem; display: flex; flex-direction: column;">/>roximity; --tw-ordinal: ; --tw-slashed-zero: ; --tw-numeric-figure: ; --tw-numeric-spacing: ; --tw-numeric-fraction: ; --tw-ring-inset: ; --tw-ring-offset-width:0px; --tw-ring-offset-color:#fff; --tw-ring-color:rgba(59,130,246,0.5); --tw-ring-offset-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-ring-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-shadow-colored:0 0 transparent; --tw-blur: ; --tw-brightness: ; --tw-contrast: ; --tw-grayscale: ; --tw-hue-rotate: ; --tw-invert: ; --tw-saturate: ; --tw-sepia: ; --tw-drop-shadow: ; --tw-backdrop-blur: ; --tw-backdrop-brightness: ; --tw-backdrop-contrast: ; --tw-backdrop-grayscale: ; --tw-backdrop-hue-rotate: ; --tw-backdrop-invert: ; --tw-backdrop-opacity: ; --tw-backdrop-saturate: ; --tw-backdrop-sepia: ; margin: 0px; padding-left: 0.375em; display: block; position: relative;">Dresses and skirts/>roximity; --tw-ordinal: ; --tw-slashed-zero: ; --tw-numeric-figure: ; --tw-numeric-spacing: ; --tw-numeric-fraction: ; --tw-ring-inset: ; --tw-ring-offset-width:0px; --tw-ring-offset-color:#fff; --tw-ring-color:rgba(59,130,246,0.5); --tw-ring-offset-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-ring-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-shadow-colored:0 0 transparent; --tw-blur: ; --tw-brightness: ; --tw-contrast: ; --tw-grayscale: ; --tw-hue-rotate: ; --tw-invert: ; --tw-saturate: ; --tw-sepia: ; --tw-drop-shadow: ; --tw-backdrop-blur: ; --tw-backdrop-brightness: ; --tw-backdrop-contrast: ; --tw-backdrop-grayscale: ; --tw-backdrop-hue-rotate: ; --tw-backdrop-invert: ; --tw-backdrop-opacity: ; --tw-backdrop-saturate: ; --tw-backdrop-sepia: ; margin: 0px; padding-left: 0.375em; display: block; position: relative;">Leggings and tights/>roximity; --tw-ordinal: ; --tw-slashed-zero: ; --tw-numeric-figure: ; --tw-numeric-spacing: ; --tw-numeric-fraction: ; --tw-ring-inset: ; --tw-ring-offset-width:0px; --tw-ring-offset-color:#fff; --tw-ring-color:rgba(59,130,246,0.5); --tw-ring-offset-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-ring-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-shadow-colored:0 0 transparent; --tw-blur: ; --tw-brightness: ; --tw-contrast: ; --tw-grayscale: ; --tw-hue-rotate: ; --tw-invert: ; --tw-saturate: ; --tw-sepia: ; --tw-drop-shadow: ; --tw-backdrop-blur: ; --tw-backdrop-brightness: ; --tw-backdrop-contrast: ; --tw-backdrop-grayscale: ; --tw-backdrop-hue-rotate: ; --tw-backdrop-invert: ; --tw-backdrop-opacity: ; --tw-backdrop-saturate: ; --tw-backdrop-sepia: ; margin: 0px; padding-left: 0.375em; display: block; position: relative;">Blouses and tunics/>roximity; --tw-ordinal: ; --tw-slashed-zero: ; --tw-numeric-figure: ; --tw-numeric-spacing: ; --tw-numeric-fraction: ; --tw-ring-inset: ; --tw-ring-offset-width:0px; --tw-ring-offset-color:#fff; --tw-ring-color:rgba(59,130,246,0.5); --tw-ring-offset-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-ring-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-shadow-colored:0 0 transparent; --tw-blur: ; --tw-brightness: ; --tw-contrast: ; --tw-grayscale: ; --tw-hue-rotate: ; --tw-invert: ; --tw-saturate: ; --tw-sepia: ; --tw-drop-shadow: ; --tw-backdrop-blur: ; --tw-backdrop-brightness: ; --tw-backdrop-contrast: ; --tw-backdrop-grayscale: ; --tw-backdrop-hue-rotate: ; --tw-backdrop-invert: ; --tw-backdrop-opacity: ; --tw-backdrop-saturate: ; --tw-backdrop-sepia: ; margin: 0px; padding-left: 0.375em; display: block; position: relative;">Cardigans and sweaters/>roximity; --tw-ordinal: ; --tw-slashed-zero: ; --tw-numeric-figure: ; --tw-numeric-spacing: ; --tw-numeric-fraction: ; --tw-ring-inset: ; --tw-ring-offset-width:0px; --tw-ring-offset-color:#fff; --tw-ring-color:rgba(59,130,246,0.5); --tw-ring-offset-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-ring-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-shadow-colored:0 0 transparent; --tw-blur: ; --tw-brightness: ; --tw-contrast: ; --tw-grayscale: ; --tw-hue-rotate: ; --tw-invert: ; --tw-saturate: ; --tw-sepia: ; --tw-drop-shadow: ; --tw-backdrop-blur: ; --tw-backdrop-brightness: ; --tw-backdrop-contrast: ; --tw-backdrop-grayscale: ; --tw-backdrop-hue-rotate: ; --tw-backdrop-invert: ; --tw-backdrop-opacity: ; --tw-backdrop-saturate: ; --tw-backdrop-sepia: ; margin: 0px; padding-left: 0.375em; display: block; position: relative;">Accessories like headbands and hair clips/>roximity; --tw-ordinal: ; --tw-slashed-zero: ; --tw-numeric-figure: ; --tw-numeric-spacing: ; --tw-numeric-fraction: ; --tw-ring-inset: ; --tw-ring-offset-width:0px; --tw-ring-offset-color:#fff; --tw-ring-color:rgba(59,130,246,0.5); --tw-ring-offset-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-ring-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-shadow-colored:0 0 transparent; --tw-blur: ; --tw-brightness: ; --tw-contrast: ; --tw-grayscale: ; --tw-hue-rotate: ; --tw-invert: ; --tw-saturate: ; --tw-sepia: ; --tw-drop-shadow: ; --tw-backdrop-blur: ; --tw-backdrop-brightness: ; --tw-backdrop-contrast: ; --tw-backdrop-grayscale: ; --tw-backdrop-hue-rotate: ; --tw-backdrop-invert: ; --tw-backdrop-opacity: ; --tw-backdrop-saturate: ; --tw-backdrop-sepia: ; margin: 2rem 0px 1rem; line-height: 1.33333; color: var(--tw-prose-headings);">Conclusion/>roximity; --tw-ordinal: ; --tw-slashed-zero: ; --tw-numeric-figure: ; --tw-numeric-spacing: ; --tw-numeric-fraction: ; --tw-ring-inset: ; --tw-ring-offset-width:0px; --tw-ring-offset-color:#fff; --tw-ring-color:rgba(59,130,246,0.5); --tw-ring-offset-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-ring-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-shadow-colored:0 0 transparent; --tw-blur: ; --tw-brightness: ; --tw-contrast: ; --tw-grayscale: ; --tw-hue-rotate: ; --tw-invert: ; --tw-saturate: ; --tw-sepia: ; --tw-drop-shadow: ; --tw-backdrop-blur: ; --tw-backdrop-brightness: ; --tw-backdrop-contrast: ; --tw-backdrop-grayscale: ; --tw-backdrop-hue-rotate: ; --tw-backdrop-invert: ; --tw-backdrop-opacity: ; --tw-backdrop-saturate: ; --tw-backdrop-sepia: ;">Choosing the right clothing for your children can be a fun and enjoyable experience. With the tips and information in this guide, you can make informed decisions and find the perfect outfits for your little ones. Remember to choose comfortable, durable fabrics, and keep up with the latest styles and trends. Happy shopping!/>roximity; --tw-ordinal: ; --tw-slashed-zero: ; --tw-numeric-figure: ; --tw-numeric-spacing: ; --tw-numeric-fraction: ; --tw-ring-inset: ; --tw-ring-offset-width:0px; --tw-ring-offset-color:#fff; --tw-ring-color:rgba(59,130,246,0.5); --tw-ring-offset-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-ring-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-shadow-colored:0 0 transparent; --tw-blur: ; --tw-brightness: ; --tw-contrast: ; --tw-grayscale: ; --tw-hue-rotate: ; --tw-invert: ; --tw-saturate: ; --tw-sepia: ; --tw-drop-shadow: ; --tw-backdrop-blur: ; --tw-backdrop-brightness: ; --tw-backdrop-contrast: ; --tw-backdrop-grayscale: ; --tw-backdrop-hue-rotate: ; --tw-backdrop-invert: ; --tw-backdrop-opacity: ; --tw-backdrop-saturate: ; --tw-backdrop-sepia: ; display: flex; justify-content: space-between;">/>roximity; --tw-ordinal: ; --tw-slashed-zero: ; --tw-numeric-figure: ; --tw-numeric-spacing: ; --tw-numeric-fraction: ; --tw-ring-inset: ; --tw-ring-offset-width:0px; --tw-ring-offset-color:#fff; --tw-ring-color:rgba(59,130,246,0.5); --tw-ring-offset-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-ring-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-shadow-colored:0 0 transparent; --tw-blur: ; --tw-brightness: ; --tw-contrast: ; --tw-grayscale: ; --tw-hue-rotate: ; --tw-invert: ; --tw-saturate: ; --tw-sepia: ; --tw-drop-shadow: ; --tw-backdrop-blur: ; --tw-backdrop-brightness: ; --tw-backdrop-contrast: ; --tw-backdrop-grayscale: ; --tw-backdrop-hue-rotate: ; --tw-backdrop-invert: ; --tw-backdrop-opacity: ; --tw-backdrop-saturate: ; --tw-backdrop-sepia: ; visibility: hidden !important; display: flex; align-items: center; justify-content: center; gap: 0.25rem; align-self: center; padding-top: 0.5rem; font-size: 0.75rem; line-height: 1rem;">/>isabled:text-gray-400" style="border-width: 0px; border-style: solid; border-color: rgb(217, 217, 227); --tw-border-spacing-x:0; --tw-border-spacing-y:0; --tw-translate-x:0; --tw-translate-y:0; --tw-rotate:0; --tw-skew-x:0; --tw-skew-y:0; --tw-scale-x:1; --tw-scale-y:1; --tw-pan-x: ; --tw-pan-y: ; --tw-pinch-zoom: ; --tw-scroll-snap-strictnessroximity; --tw-ordinal: ; --tw-slashed-zero: ; --tw-numeric-figure: ; --tw-numeric-spacing: ; --tw-numeric-fraction: ; --tw-ring-inset: ; --tw-ring-offset-width:0px; --tw-ring-offset-color:#fff; --tw-ring-color:rgba(59,130,246,0.5); --tw-ring-offset-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-ring-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-shadow-colored:0 0 transparent; --tw-blur: ; --tw-brightness: ; --tw-contrast: ; --tw-grayscale: ; --tw-hue-rotate: ; --tw-invert: ; --tw-saturate: ; --tw-sepia: ; --tw-drop-shadow: ; --tw-backdrop-blur: ; --tw-backdrop-brightness: ; --tw-backdrop-contrast: ; --tw-backdrop-grayscale: ; --tw-backdrop-hue-rotate: ; --tw-backdrop-invert: ; --tw-backdrop-opacity: ; --tw-backdrop-saturate: ; --tw-backdrop-sepia: ; font-family: inherit; font-size: 12px; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; appearance: button; background-image: none; --tw-text-opacity:1;">/>roximity; --tw-ordinal: ; --tw-slashed-zero: ; --tw-numeric-figure: ; --tw-numeric-spacing: ; --tw-numeric-fraction: ; --tw-ring-inset: ; --tw-ring-offset-width:0px; --tw-ring-offset-color:#fff; --tw-ring-color:rgba(59,130,246,0.5); --tw-ring-offset-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-ring-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-shadow-colored:0 0 transparent; --tw-blur: ; --tw-brightness: ; --tw-contrast: ; --tw-grayscale: ; --tw-hue-rotate: ; --tw-invert: ; --tw-saturate: ; --tw-sepia: ; --tw-drop-shadow: ; --tw-backdrop-blur: ; --tw-backdrop-brightness: ; --tw-backdrop-contrast: ; --tw-backdrop-grayscale: ; --tw-backdrop-hue-rotate: ; --tw-backdrop-invert: ; --tw-backdrop-opacity: ; --tw-backdrop-saturate: ; --tw-backdrop-sepia: ; flex-shrink: 0; flex-grow: 1;">/>isabled:text-gray-400" style="border-width: 0px; border-style: solid; border-color: rgb(217, 217, 227); --tw-border-spacing-x:0; --tw-border-spacing-y:0; --tw-translate-x:0; --tw-translate-y:0; --tw-rotate:0; --tw-skew-x:0; --tw-skew-y:0; --tw-scale-x:1; --tw-scale-y:1; --tw-pan-x: ; --tw-pan-y: ; --tw-pinch-zoom: ; --tw-scroll-snap-strictnessroximity; --tw-ordinal: ; --tw-slashed-zero: ; --tw-numeric-figure: ; --tw-numeric-spacing: ; --tw-numeric-fraction: ; --tw-ring-inset: ; --tw-ring-offset-width:0px; --tw-ring-offset-color:#fff; --tw-ring-color:rgba(59,130,246,0.5); --tw-ring-offset-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-ring-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-shadow-colored:0 0 transparent; --tw-blur: ; --tw-brightness: ; --tw-contrast: ; --tw-grayscale: ; --tw-hue-rotate: ; --tw-invert: ; --tw-saturate: ; --tw-sepia: ; --tw-drop-shadow: ; --tw-backdrop-blur: ; --tw-backdrop-brightness: ; --tw-backdrop-contrast: ; --tw-backdrop-grayscale: ; --tw-backdrop-hue-rotate: ; --tw-backdrop-invert: ; --tw-backdrop-opacity: ; --tw-backdrop-saturate: ; --tw-backdrop-sepia: ; font-family: inherit; font-size: 12px; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; appearance: button; background-image: none; --tw-text-opacity:1;">/>elf-center justify-center mt-2 gap-2 md:gap-3 lg:gap-1 lg:absolute lg:top-0 lg:translate-x-full lg:right-0 lg:mt-0 lgl-2 visible" style="border: 0px solid rgb(217, 217, 227); box-sizing: border-box; --tw-border-spacing-x:0; --tw-border-spacing-y:0; --tw-translate-x:0; --tw-translate-y:0; --tw-rotate:0; --tw-skew-x:0; --tw-skew-y:0; --tw-scale-x:1; --tw-scale-y:1; --tw-pan-x: ; --tw-pan-y: ; --tw-pinch-zoom: ; --tw-scroll-snap-strictnessroximity; --tw-ordinal: ; --tw-slashed-zero: ; --tw-numeric-figure: ; --tw-numeric-spacing: ; --tw-numeric-fraction: ; --tw-ring-inset: ; --tw-ring-offset-width:0px; --tw-ring-offset-color:#fff; --tw-ring-color:rgba(59,130,246,0.5); --tw-ring-offset-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-ring-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-shadow:0 0 transparent; --tw-shadow-colored:0 0 transparent; --tw-blur: ; --tw-brightness: ; --tw-contrast: ; --tw-grayscale: ; --tw-hue-rotate: ; --tw-invert: ; --tw-saturate: ; --tw-sepia: ; --tw-drop-shadow: ; 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Content notes for pregnancy trauma and raging misogyny. (Though to be fair, the rage is mine, and is likely to be yours when you’re done reading).
Dear Captain Awkward,
My wife and I have 2 kids both girls. When we were dating we agreed on 3 kids. Our first daughter caused complications at birth. First she was late, then decided to flip when my wife asked for an epidural. And it required an emergency c section because her doctor never showed up and the doctor in the hospital came in late to asses her. After the c section the doctor did not follow procedure and she developed a blood clot. It healed and everything was good. 4 years later she got pregnant with our second daughter, 4 years later I found out she got another blood clot in same leg as the first at around 2 months pregnant. They did a scheduled c section and convinced my wife to have a bilateral salpingectomy. That I wasn’t told about until the day of birth. And I also didn’t agree with.
Here we are 4 years later and I still want more kids and have offered all options to my wife but she refuses any of them. I have asked her about IVF, surrogacy, and other options she has refused all. I am left torn because I do want more children and in the beginning I wanted 4 or 5 but we agreed on 3. And I would like at least one more chance for a boy and have been completely shut out. Lately I find myself thinking about finding another women to have more kids but I take my vows seriously and am completely torn between wanting more kids and my wife. I do know if I don’t have more kids it is going to be on my mind my whole life and I don’t know if I can live with either choice.
Dear Sir:
I don’t know what on earth you expected when you wrote to me, but here is what I’ve got.
A lot of people don’t get to have all the children they wish for in life or become parents at all, and it’s not strange or wrong to grieve for lost possibilities. If that’s the case for you, then take it to a therapist. Talk through it. Feel all the feelings. Negotiate with your messy heart and the indifferent universe on territory that isn’t your wife’s bodily autonomy or your massive sense of entitlement to her reproductive system for a change.
Right now, you are trying to set this question up as a dilemma between your dreams of being a fruitful paterfamilias and your wife’s supposed reneging on agreements within your existing relationship. You are describing your wife like she broke some kind of promise to you, and you are treating her like a faulty incubator, not a human being. Not cool.
However many children your wife “agreed to” when you were dating, you have two, and it sounds like you’re lucky to have those. Agreements change all the time, and it’s not like there aren’t mitigating circumstances. Plus, have you considered the possibility that she’s grieving, too? That some dream or possibility closed off for her, just as much as it did for you, plus she underwent substantial physical trauma and made the best choice she could under the circumstances?
It doesn’t matter whether you agree with the medical decision your wife and her doctor made to remove her Fallopian tubes (that’s what a bilateral salpingectomy is for the curious) after two complicated pregnancies in a row. Nobody asked for your input then, or now, because it isn’t your body. Your hopes do not outweigh other people’s medical conditions or choices about their own bodies, and it’s not even close. I hope that clears things up.
It doesn’t matter what “options” you offered your wife for having more kids after she almost died, twice, having the two you’re lucky enough to have. I’m not sure how IVF would work after the salpingectomy but it’s beside the point anyhow, because it sounds like your wife has all the children she plans to. Does that mean you’ve been “completely shut out” or that she’s done being badgered about something she can’t change?
From what you describe, you are treating your wife like your wish for an imaginary son is worth the possibility of her dying again, worth more than your marriage, and worth more than being the best dad you can be to the daughters you’re lucky enough to have. And you are talking about leaving your family for someone else because you want a different incubator, not a loving relationship with a different human being. (Sounds like a great deal, who wouldn’t jump at the chance to bear the Royal Heir to Misogyny Manor! If you go that route, make sure that the new consort knows that if she fails to produce a son in a timely fashion, you’ll be moving along, so she can factor it into her dowry negotiations.)
Please, sir, get a therapist. If you go to a church that teaches that women are subservient to men, get one who is not affiliated with that church. You’ve got enough to unpack without adding more of the same.
After some therapy, I don’t know what you should do. If you really need to leave your marriage, then you should probably leave. Own the choice (vs. blaming your wife for letting you down somehow, because she didn’t), leave in a way that doesn’t destabilize your family’s lives financially or uproot their living situation, and then live with the consequences. Dive into the dating pool from your swinging bachelor pad, and set your ex-wife free to find someone who thinks she’s people.
If you want to stay married after therapy, try to pass this quiz without looking at your notes:
1. Can you name five things you like about your wife – as a person – that aren’t about a) what a good mom she is b) how pretty/sexy she is c) things she does for you and the kids, like cooking? No “I love how she puts up with me” bullshit. Is she funny? Is she cool? Does she have great taste in books or music? What do her friends love about her? What would make someone meet her and instantly want to be her friend? If you don’t know or can’t think of any, fucking find out. If you do know what you like about your wife, tell her.
2. Can you do the same for your daughters? What are five things you like about each of them as small people, without using the words “pretty” or “well-behaved.” Are they brave, hilarious, smart, cool, kind, skilled at something, creative, good at solving problems? Tell them. Tell them all the time.
3. Can you name five women you admire and respect? They can’t be your mom, your wife, anyone you’re related to, or anyone where what you admire is chiefly their beauty/hotness. Who are women who lead in your chosen career field, in your community, in your areas of interest? Who are your favorite female authors, thinkers, scientists, musicians, inventors, leaders, artists? If you can’t name any, it’s time to get curious and find some.
4. Since having more children is off the table for you and your wife, do you have any idea what your wife wants out of her life during the next 10-50 years? Is she a stay-at-home parent now, or does she work? Does she have further career or educational aspirations for herself once both girls are in school full time? If you don’t know, find out, and ask what you can do to support her. And check back in on all of your dreams that aren’t about fatherhood.
5. When was the last vacation your wife took? Was it a vacation for her, where she got to relax and rest and do things she wanted to do, or was it a vacation where she planned everything and wrangled the children the entire time, just in a a different place? How many hobbies or leisure activities does she get to do, how often does she see her friends and family or go out without the kids while you hold down the fort at home? If you’re trying to woo this lady after your years-long campaign to colonize her womb once more, making sure she has plenty of rest and leisure time is a gift that keeps giving.
6. Quick, name the following things/people:
- Your wife’s birthday
- Your wedding anniversary
- Your daughters’ birthdays
- The best/most recent holiday, anniversary, and birthday gifts you picked out and purchased for your wife and daughters and any cool surprises you planned and executed on these occasions.
- Your daughter’s current teachers, what grade they are in, and what classes they are taking
- Their favorite teacher or teachers and classes (current or all-time)
- The location and current start/end times of all school, day care, and regularly-scheduled activities they go to
- The name of your family pediatrician
- The last time your children went to said pediatrician and what it was for
- Everybody’s favorite food, least favorite food, and any dietary restrictions or allergies
- Your daughter’s favorite books, toys, movies, songs
- What your daughters were for Halloween last year & where their costumes came from
- Their best friends and the names of at least one of the friends’ parents
- Their favorite outfits and colors.
- Their current/most recent answer to “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
- Your daughters’ favorite ways to spend a day with dad doing fun stuff
If you got all of or most of those on the first try, then great! You’re on your way to being an involved family man and not a total loss on the “as a father of daughters” front. If you didn’t get all of those, then a) find out the answers, stay curious as they change, and demonstrate good follow-up skills b) consider that some of your wife’s reluctance to have more children, even with the help of a surrogate, is down to not wanting to take on all the parenting work herself so that you can finally have your trophy kid.
If you’ve got the good-dad-and-husband stuff covered and you’re still hungry to be around more kids and get to nurture and support them as they grow, there are plenty of opportunities to lead a scout troop, coach your daughter’s sports teams, chaperone their school field trips and awkward middle school dances, and be a band-dad or theater-dad or archery-dad or whatever kind of -dad supports the interests of their actual children and the other children in their communities, instead of theoretical sons. I had a tiny tool belt as a child for when I followed my dad around “helping” with home renovations (and eventually helping w/o the quotation marks). There’s no “manly” activity that you can’t teach your daughters if you have sufficient interest in them to invest the time and effort, and if you’re capable of seeing them as fully-formed people and not just as faulty substitutes for the boys you really wanted. (A thing they *will* notice, and when they do, it will cut them to the core).
I am being hard on you, because your letter was sexist and mean and small, and it’s really hard to be on your side when you describe a lady almost dying in childbirth a couple of times and deciding, “whoa, that’s enough near-death experiences” as a dereliction in her duty to you. Is your wife a person, or a failed incubator for your dreams? Are your daughters people or a test batch for the family you really want? If that remains unclear or debatable to you, then what the hell do you think you have to offer a new family? Why would any other woman want you, and why would she put herself through the risks of pregnancy, or entrust you with raising a son in your image or another daughter you’ll treat like a breach of contract?
I answered your letter with something other than “get in the bin and stay there” because maybe, just maybe, you asked me this question because you’re looking for a way forward where you aren’t doomed to star in one of the letters from adult daughters who don’t want their shitty, sexist, absentee dads walking them down the aisle at their wedding or commanding their attendance at holidays and deathbed forgiveness rituals.You described your choice as a binary between staying married (and eternally unfulfilled) or leaving for the possibility of future fulfillment (unless your potential future incubatrixes spitefully have only girls, or can’t have children at all). But you have a real opportunity to undo some of the damage you’ve already done, and a real chance to show up in the family you’re lucky enough to have before it’s too late. My advice is that it’s time to grieve whatever it is you think you’ve lost and do better. Your wife has been through hell, and she deserves your support for her dreams, not your continued pressure about yours.Your daughters deserve a dad who doesn’t treat their mom and other women like vessels. There’s still time to be the person who deserves them, and I hope you will rise to the occasion.
