User blogs

Content note for (unintentional) ableism and mention of suicidal thoughts.This was originally going to be a 2-parter but now it’s not, I just added some stuff at the end.

Hi Captain,

I (she/her) have been with generally wonderful partner, F (he/him) for close to two years now. We’re both in our thirties, have had serious relationships before, and are compatible in our goals, politics, religion, etc. We recently also bought a house together. Getting married on paper isn’t important to either of us, but we do both want a life partner and a family—and given that I’ll need fertility treatments and his insurance covers it, we plan to get married in the next few weeks. We’re having a city hall wedding and are throwing a big party for our friends and family. That’s all to say—big things are happening (!), and they’re time-sensitive.

Some context: F was diagnosed with ADHD and started medication a few years ago, which was a minor revelation for him. I’ve done my earnest best to understand his experience and work towards finding a way of communicating, accommodating, and divvying up household/relationship tasks in a way that is judgment-free. I’m sure I’ve failed at times. We sought out couples’ therapy proactively when we moved in together, and it’s been mildly helpful but (understandably) not a panacea.

Over the past nine months, I’ve felt myself slowly unraveling. Wedding planning has been 90% on me. Household duties and pet care have been 75% me. I do believe that if I weren’t there, most (but not all) of this stuff would get done… eventually. I acknowledge that we’re on two extremes: I suffer from an excess of executive function, get depressed and anxious in an untidy space, and am not comfortable leaving things like choosing catering for our wedding to a month before the big day (true story).

An exacerbating issue is that we fight much more often than I’m used to in relationships, and I frequently perceive his tone in these fights as angry or condescending. My response is usually to freeze, go into crisis management mode (Midwestern Female right here), and cry when pressed. An example: recently it was late when he yelled, “What is this ass-early meeting we have tomorrow morning? We have to reschedule it.” We had agreed on this meeting weeks earlier, and it was in our shared calendar. I started saying I would try to reschedule it if I could. He then got upset at me for being too accommodating, and I should have just told him he was being a baby. That because I can’t say no, it makes him feel like he can’t express himself to me.

I have so much empathy for this! The way we are is neither of our faults. If we were already married, I would want to do everything we could to work things out. Given that we’re not, though, I wanted your advice (especially as you’ve shared you have ADHD)—are we just incompatible? Would the kindest thing to do be to go our separate ways? I’ve been feeling depressed and having suicidal thoughts lately, in large part because of this dynamic we get in, and I know this hasn’t been a picnic for him either. On some level, I don’t believe in asking him to change—but I also am really struggling with the status quo. I’m willing to do work to meet him in the middle but also want to be realistic about how much movement is possible/healthy.

I genuinely believe we love each other and are trying to express care. That’s worth so much. But if things were to be like this in perpetuity without improvement (especially if we add children to the mix), I don’t know if I’d make it.

Thank you.

Hello! Your deadline is noted and I will do my best. My spotty internet and WordPress conspired to eat the first version of this post so this is an attempt at reconstruction. Edited to Add: I initially planned to break it into two parts. Part 2 is now a post-script at the end. Sorry for any confusion.

I want to start by saying that you are very brave and very smart to admit how much you are struggling and ask for help. You mention a long habit of accommodating other people’s needs at the expense of your own, and your entire body has declared “Nope, not this time!” Its methods for getting your attention may be a decidedly mixed bag, but your self-preservation instincts are in working order. You are asking exactly the right question, Sheelzebub’s Question: If your relationship is a source of stress in your life, and you knew that the status quo was likely to continue indefinitely, how much longer would you stay? Another year? Five years? Forever?

You answered the question in your last paragraph: “But if things were to be like this in perpetuity without improvement (especially if we add children to the mix), I don’t know if I’d make it.”

You know that either something has to change or everything has to change because the relationship needs to end. You also know that you can’t expect F. to change no matter how much you want to. We marry our partners as they are now as the people we are now, and while changes are inevitable over the course of a lifetime together, there’s never a guarantee about what those changes will look like and when any given changes might happen. Betting on a specific set of changes to take place in time for them to be meaningful is risky, especially since the only person you can control is yourself. Since you are unhappy right now, what changes could you make right now that would take pressure off?

1) Seek immediate help for how bad you are feeling. F.’s ADHD diagnosis is of central concern in your letter (it was even in the email subject line) but if you are having suicidal thoughts after months of feeling depressed that is a serious problem in its own right. Some kinds of depression are chronic medical issues, some turn out to be more situational and temporary in nature, all can feel completely overwhelming when they’re happening, and all deserve care.

If at any point you feel like thoughts about hurting yourself are morphing into plans, seek emergency medical care. But sometimes thoughts are just thoughts, a way of turning on the emotional “check engine” light to indicate something is wrong. There is help for that. If you already see a therapist or have in the past, please get in touch and get yourself seen at the earliest opportunity. If you don’t have a therapist, ask the person you saw for couple’s counseling for a referral. All you need to say is “I am overwhelmed and depressed and I need help” and any halfway competent mental health pro will take it from there.

If you can’t access therapy immediately, please tell *somebody* what you told me. F., a close friend, anyone who can be trusted to follow directions when you say “I am not okay right now and I need you to listen and not give me advice.” This is not the time to put on a brave face and go it alone.

2) Postpone the wedding (decision phase). You are experiencing acute distress. You are having serious second thoughts about the future of your relationship.The wedding is adding more pressure and stress instead of anticipation and joy (including anticipating the joy of getting to be done with accursèd wedding planning)(#isriceagrainoraseed). Good news: Weddings can be moved. In my opinion, more people should postpone or cancel when they feel this way instead of submitting to the Wedding Juggernaut for fear of disappointing people or “wasting” so much money. (It’s not like you get the deposits back if you get married and then have to invite the government to your breakup later).

Imagine yourself telling F., “I’m so sorry but I’m feeling overwhelmed and depressed and I need to postpone the wedding. I am getting help, and I promise that we will talk about everything and figure it out together, but right now can you help me make the calls so we’re not leaving everybody hanging?”

What do you think he would say? What would you say if the situation were reversed?

People are (understandably) not at their best right when they are blindsided by bad news. F. might (also understandably) want to jump ahead to discussing and fixing the underlying relationship problems so that nobody has to make awkward phone calls. But once the initial shock wears off, the right person for you would not try to make it all about himself. He would trust that you would never do anything unless you had a good reason. He would value your honesty and courage and see them as signs of respect and trust in him. He would not want you to feel pressured and rushed into marriage. He would also see that you are struggling and want to do whatever he could to make hard things easier on you. “I love you. Whatever you need, that’s what we’ll do. Give me the list and I’ll start making calls.”

However the conversation goes, it will be revealing. Long-term incompatibilities may mean that you never un-cancel this wedding. You haven’t exactly felt like a team during the planning phase. Can he be on your team about this? I hope so. Even if you don’t stay together, you deserve as much kindness and love and help at the end of things as you did at the beginning. And cancelling will go much faster with two.

3) Postpone the wedding (breaking news phase). I suggest you tell people in roughly this order: F. first, then the venue and any vendors, then guests starting with your wedding party (if any) and your closest and most trusted people. You handle your “side” of the guest list, F. can handle his.

The pros will appreciate knowing ASAP and not having to argue about what “nonrefundable” means. Once you tell them, the thing is already cancelled, so when you talk to guests it’s not up for debate. Hopefully then you and F. can deputize your inner circle to spread the news to the rest of the guest list – “Everyone’s okay, they just realized they need more time, they’ll be in touch about future scheduling. In the meantime, I volunteered to let people know so that they don’t get flooded with ‘ARE YOU OKAY’ texts.”

As for what to tell people, keep it simple and pragmatic. While weddings are definitely about feelings, and while you are definitely having a lot of those, you know by now that there is a point where wedding planning goes into total logistics mode where you’re just like, counting stuff and checking off lists. Try to stay in that mode for just a little while longer. What is the minimum information that vendors and guests need to know so they can make good decisions for themselves? What will help you count stuff and check off lists in reverse?

a) The wedding is not happening on the scheduled date. With that information, people can cancel travel arrangements and hold off on any gifts, vendors can hopefully prevent purchasing unnecessary supplies and redirect their efforts to other clients, and everybody can reclaim a precious weekend of summer. You’ll let people know whenever there is firm a Plan B.

b) Remember, you’re informing people about a decision, not proving that you had a good enough reason to make it. Obviously guests will be curious about what’s happening and why. Is there juicy gossip? Did someone cheat? Is it permanently over? Is everybody okay? Is there anything they can do for you?

Even with the best intentions, people can get weirdly invested in other people’s relationships, as if you not getting married exactly like you planned will punch a hole in the universe that they need to plug with empty reassurances or else all the compulsory heteronormativity will drain out and be lost forever. “Oh my god, you guys are like the perfect couple!” “Noooo, but you were so happy, this is just cold feet, it happens to everyone!!” “All relationships take work!”

Ugh.You’re a person, not an avatar of other people’s fantasies about what true love is supposed to look like, and people who aren’t inside your relationship don’t get a vote. Strategically, you may want to share something along the lines of “So sorry for the short notice, but I’m not feeling well and I need to postpone” or “We decided to take more time” or even “I decided that I need more time” to allay concern and reduce friction on you and F. But neither of you are required to detail the ups and downs of your relationship or your current mental health for every person who sent back an RSVP card. I hereby declare that anyone who hears about a wedding being called off should assume that the couple has excellent reasons and has made informed choices about timing, audience, and level of detail. To answer your question, no, everything is probably not okay right now, but also, if there’s something specific they want you to know, they will tell you.

Please, take excellent care of yourself. Call off the looming stressful thing. Look at it this way: Years from now, any story about postponing a wedding has the potential to end with “…and that was the best decision I ever made!” If marrying F. is ultimately the right choice, it will still be right when you are in a better frame of mind and have had more time to consider. If postponing is the painful-but-necessary beginning of the end, the story of the time you almost married the wrong person will be more about how you trusted yourself and did the right thing even when it was hard. A bittersweet ending that averts a greater unhappiness still counts in the happily-ever-after column, and “I love you enough to be completely honest with you: I ‘m drowning and I don’t know what happens next” is still a love story.

Edited To Add:  Like I said, I was originally going to break this into two parts, but I’m not sure a lot more words will help anyone right now. But I’ll give you the short version:

When people write to me about a conflict where a mental health condition or neurological differences looms large, my standard practice is to set aside the diagnoses to the extent I can and try to look at the rest of the picture. Lots of reasons for that: To avoid perpetuating ableist assumptions, to stop prioritizing intent over impact, and to stop excusing bad faith. ( It’s not as if stories about cishet men who decide that love means outsourcing all the boring details to a competent woman are rare on the ground.)

Speaking strictly in practical terms, if a situation doesn’t make you happy, making your happiness dependent on solving how another person’s brain works is going to vastly limit how you think about solutions. (ADHD runs in families, by the way, so before you permanently assign it the role of grit-in-your-otherwise-perfect-oyster you need to factor in the strong chance that any future children will also have it).

Again, in practical terms, lots of people move in together before marriage to see how they like living together. So far, you don’t like it. Being aligned with F. about big things but not “small,” daily routine things means there is potentially stuff to fight about every single day. So what do you want to do with that information?

You could ignore it and hope for the best (do not recommend).

You could break up and look for someone who is more compatible.

You could stay together and live apart. Not what you planned, and not ideal for co-parenting tiny people, but people do it.

You and F. could try outsourcing housecleaning and other routine tasks that are recurring sources of stress. You need things to be a certain level of tidy. You hate fighting about household chores. If you framed this less in terms of what F. should be able to accomplish and more in terms accommodating everybody’s needs, what else becomes possible?

Hiring a cleaning service is not affordable or feasible for everyone (including me, at present), but the one time in 49 years that I lived in a consistently spotless house where nobody ever fought about chores, that’s what we did. For a  nominal fee when split three ways, the order-craving housemates could relax knowing that the place would get a factory reset every three weeks. As long as I did my dishes and cleaned up after myself in the kitchen every day (not a problem) and helped with the night-before sweep of common areas to clear surfaces and put things away, I could relax knowing that other people’s comfort didn’t depend on me noticing the same stuff they did. It was the exact right amount of structure and external accountability, minus the constant festering shame and terror of letting people down.

That was the main stuff I wanted to say. I want you to be happy, and I want you to feel like you have more choices than you did when you came in.  I promise I will stop writing about your relationship now.

Content note for (unintentional) ableism and mention of suicidal thoughts.

Hi Captain,

I (she/her) have been with generally wonderful partner, F (he/him) for close to two years now. We’re both in our thirties, have had serious relationships before, and are compatible in our goals, politics, religion, etc. We recently also bought a house together. Getting married on paper isn’t important to either of us, but we do both want a life partner and a family—and given that I’ll need fertility treatments and his insurance covers it, we plan to get married in the next few weeks. We’re having a city hall wedding and are throwing a big party for our friends and family. That’s all to say—big things are happening (!), and they’re time-sensitive.

Some context: F was diagnosed with ADHD and started medication a few years ago, which was a minor revelation for him. I’ve done my earnest best to understand his experience and work towards finding a way of communicating, accommodating, and divvying up household/relationship tasks in a way that is judgment-free. I’m sure I’ve failed at times. We sought out couples’ therapy proactively when we moved in together, and it’s been mildly helpful but (understandably) not a panacea.

Over the past nine months, I’ve felt myself slowly unraveling. Wedding planning has been 90% on me. Household duties and pet care have been 75% me. I do believe that if I weren’t there, most (but not all) of this stuff would get done… eventually. I acknowledge that we’re on two extremes: I suffer from an excess of executive function, get depressed and anxious in an untidy space, and am not comfortable leaving things like choosing catering for our wedding to a month before the big day (true story).

An exacerbating issue is that we fight much more often than I’m used to in relationships, and I frequently perceive his tone in these fights as angry or condescending. My response is usually to freeze, go into crisis management mode (Midwestern Female right here), and cry when pressed. An example: recently it was late when he yelled, “What is this ass-early meeting we have tomorrow morning? We have to reschedule it.” We had agreed on this meeting weeks earlier, and it was in our shared calendar. I started saying I would try to reschedule it if I could. He then got upset at me for being too accommodating, and I should have just told him he was being a baby. That because I can’t say no, it makes him feel like he can’t express himself to me.

I have so much empathy for this! The way we are is neither of our faults. If we were already married, I would want to do everything we could to work things out. Given that we’re not, though, I wanted your advice (especially as you’ve shared you have ADHD)—are we just incompatible? Would the kindest thing to do be to go our separate ways? I’ve been feeling depressed and having suicidal thoughts lately, in large part because of this dynamic we get in, and I know this hasn’t been a picnic for him either. On some level, I don’t believe in asking him to change—but I also am really struggling with the status quo. I’m willing to do work to meet him in the middle but also want to be realistic about how much movement is possible/healthy.

I genuinely believe we love each other and are trying to express care. That’s worth so much. But if things were to be like this in perpetuity without improvement (especially if we add children to the mix), I don’t know if I’d make it.

Thank you.

Hello! Your deadline is noted and I will do my best. My spotty internet and WordPress conspired to eat the first version of this post so this is an attempt at reconstruction. I’m breaking it into two parts. This part is about the wedding and what you can do right now to feel better and set yourself up to make good long-term plans. The ADHD elephant-in-the-room and long-term relationship decisions will come in Part 2.

I want to start by saying that you are very brave and very smart to admit how much you are struggling and ask for help. You mention a long habit of accommodating other people’s needs at the expense of your own, and your entire body has declared “Nope, not this time!” Its methods for getting your attention may be a decidedly mixed bag, but your self-preservation instincts are in working order. You are asking exactly the right question, Sheelzebub’s Question: If your relationship is a source of stress in your life, and you knew that the status quo was likely to continue indefinitely, how much longer would you stay? Another year? Five years? Forever?

You answered the question in your last paragraph: “But if things were to be like this in perpetuity without improvement (especially if we add children to the mix), I don’t know if I’d make it.”

You know that either something has to change or everything has to change because the relationship needs to end. You also know that you can’t expect F. to change no matter how much you want to. We marry our partners as they are now as the people we are now, and while changes are inevitable over the course of a lifetime together, there’s never a guarantee about what those changes will look like and when any given changes might happen. Betting on a specific set of changes to take place in time for them to be meaningful is risky, especially since the only person you can control is yourself. Since you are unhappy right now, what changes could you make right now that would take pressure off?

1) Seek immediate help for how bad you are feeling. F.’s ADHD diagnosis is of central concern in your letter (it was even in the email subject line) but if you are having suicidal thoughts after months of feeling depressed that is a serious problem in its own right. Some kinds of depression are chronic medical issues, some turn out to be more situational and temporary in nature, all can feel completely overwhelming when they’re happening, and all deserve care.

If at any point you feel like thoughts about hurting yourself are morphing into plans, seek emergency medical care. But sometimes thoughts are just thoughts, a way of turning on the emotional “check engine” light to indicate something is wrong. There is help for that. If you already see a therapist or have in the past, please get in touch and get yourself seen at the earliest opportunity. If you don’t have a therapist, ask the person you saw for couple’s counseling for a referral. All you need to say is “I am overwhelmed and depressed and I need help” and any halfway competent mental health pro will take it from there.

If you can’t access therapy immediately, please tell *somebody* what you told me. F., a close friend, anyone who can be trusted to follow directions when you say “I am not okay right now and I need you to listen and not give me advice.” This is not the time to put on a brave face and go it alone.

2) Postpone the wedding (decision phase). You are experiencing acute distress. You are having serious second thoughts about the future of your relationship.The wedding is adding more pressure and stress instead of anticipation and joy (including anticipating the joy of getting to be done with accursèd wedding planning)(#isriceagrainoraseed). Good news: Weddings can be moved. In my opinion, more people should postpone or cancel when they feel this way instead of submitting to the Wedding Juggernaut for fear of disappointing people or “wasting” so much money. (It’s not like you get the deposits back if you get married and then have to invite the government to your breakup later).

Imagine yourself telling F., “I’m so sorry but I’m feeling overwhelmed and depressed and I need to postpone the wedding. I am getting help, and I promise that we will talk about everything and figure it out together, but right now can you help me make the calls so we’re not leaving everybody hanging?”

What do you think he would say? What would you say if the situation were reversed?

People are (understandably) not at their best right when they are blindsided by bad news. F. might (also understandably) want to jump ahead to discussing and fixing the underlying relationship problems so that nobody has to make awkward phone calls. But once the initial shock wears off, the right person for you would not try to make it all about himself. He would trust that you would never do anything unless you had a good reason. He would value your honesty and courage and see them as signs of respect and trust in him. He would not want you to feel pressured and rushed into marriage. He would also see that you are struggling and want to do whatever he could to make hard things easier on you. “I love you. Whatever you need, that’s what we’ll do. Give me the list and I’ll start making calls.”

However the conversation goes, it will be revealing. Long-term incompatibilities may mean that you never un-cancel this wedding. You haven’t exactly felt like a team during the planning phase. Can he be on your team about this? I hope so. Even if you don’t stay together, you deserve as much kindness and love and help at the end of things as you did at the beginning. And cancelling will go much faster with two.

3) Postpone the wedding (breaking news phase). I suggest you tell people in roughly this order: F. first, then the venue and any vendors, then guests starting with your wedding party (if any) and your closest and most trusted people. You handle your “side” of the guest list, F. can handle his.

The pros will appreciate knowing ASAP and not having to argue about what “nonrefundable” means. Once you tell them, the thing is already cancelled, so when you talk to guests it’s not up for debate. Hopefully then you and F. can deputize your inner circle to spread the news to the rest of the guest list – “Everyone’s okay, they just realized they need more time, they’ll be in touch about future scheduling. In the meantime, I volunteered to let people know so that they don’t get flooded with ‘ARE YOU OKAY’ texts.”

As for what to tell people, keep it simple and pragmatic. While weddings are definitely about feelings, and while you are definitely having a lot of those, you know by now that there is a point where wedding planning goes into total logistics mode where you’re just like, counting stuff and checking off lists. Try to stay in that mode for just a little while longer. What is the minimum information that vendors and guests need to know so they can make good decisions for themselves? What will help you count stuff and check off lists in reverse?

a) The wedding is not happening on the scheduled date. With that information, people can cancel travel arrangements and hold off on any gifts, vendors can hopefully prevent purchasing unnecessary supplies and redirect their efforts to other clients, and everybody can reclaim a precious weekend of summer. You’ll let people know whenever there is firm a Plan B.

b) Remember, you’re informing people about a decision, not proving that you had a good enough reason to make it. Obviously guests will be curious about what’s happening and why. Is there juicy gossip? Did someone cheat? Is it permanently over? Is everybody okay? Is there anything they can do for you?

Even with the best intentions, people can get weirdly invested in other people’s relationships, as if you not getting married exactly like you planned will punch a hole in the universe that they need to plug with empty reassurances or else all the compulsory heteronormativity will drain out and be lost forever. “Oh my god, you guys are like the perfect couple!” “Noooo, but you were so happy, this is just cold feet, it happens to everyone!!” “All relationships take work!”

Ugh.You’re a person, not an avatar of other people’s fantasies about what true love is supposed to look like, and people who aren’t inside your relationship don’t get a vote. Strategically, you may want to share something along the lines of “So sorry for the short notice, but I’m not feeling well and I need to postpone” or “We decided to take more time” or even “I decided that I need more time” to allay concern and reduce friction on you and F. But neither of you are required to detail the ups and downs of your relationship or your current mental health for every person who sent back an RSVP card. I hereby declare that anyone who hears about a wedding being called off should assume that the couple has excellent reasons and has made informed choices about timing, audience, and level of detail. To answer your question, no, everything is probably not okay right now, but also, if there’s something specific they want you to know, they will tell you.

Please, take excellent care of yourself. Call off the looming stressful thing. Look at it this way: Years from now, any story about postponing a wedding has the potential to end with “…and that was the best decision I ever made!” If marrying F. is ultimately the right choice, it will still be right when you are in a better frame of mind and have had more time to consider. If postponing is the painful-but-necessary beginning of the end, the story of the time you almost married the wrong person will be more about how you trusted yourself and did the right thing even when it was hard. A bittersweet ending that averts a greater unhappiness still counts in the happily-ever-after column, and “I love you enough to be completely honest with you: I ‘m drowning and I don’t know what happens next” is still a love story.

End of Part 1.

Hi, Captain!

I need a script, please.

My son has been out since he was little; he’s a teenager now. Because he was unsure of how the rest of the family would react to him if they knew he was gay, he never told any of them that he was gay, and my wife and I have kept his queerness secret from everyone in the family, including his aunt, my sister, who he is particularly close to. None of them have any idea.

Keeping the secret worked well when he was a kid and early teen, even when he had a boyfriend–none of the family are nearby–but soon enough he’ll be doing things (like going to LGBTQ+ summer camps) that we won’t be able to keep secret from his aunt or anyone else in the family.

What’s my script for my sister? She’ll be hurt that he didn’t tell her he was gay, and hurt and angry that neither my wife nor I told her.

Thanks!

Hello!

Your son gets to come out however he wants, whenever he wants, to whomever he wants. He’s not sharing a shameful, harmful secret by coming out, he’s inviting people to be a part of his authentic life, and he can do that–or not do that– at his own pace. Managing the feelings and reactions of straight people about when and how they heard (or didn’t hear) the news should be the least of his problems, now and forever. All straight people ever have to do when someone comes out is say some version of, “I’m so happy for you, and so glad you felt comfortable telling me. I love you and am proud of you, always, and if there’s ever anything I can do to support you, please don’t hesitate to ask.” If your sister can’t manage that, then perhaps he was right to hold off. Pretending to be supportive while punishing someone for not disclosing sooner is completely unacceptable.

If we accept that as a given, then whenever and however your sister learns the news is by definition the right time because it was the right time for your son to share his news. If she gets angry about not hearing the news right away or receiving a personal engraved invitation to his so far unscheduled coming out party, that’s certainly a feeling she is entitled to, but also it’s a feeling that’s her responsibility to manage so that she doesn’t behave like a jerk to a vulnerable kid. Your son is growing up in a world that is increasingly hostile to queer people, there are a million reasons he might want to play things close to the vest with people he doesn’t know for certain are going to be safe. If he had reasons for not telling his aunt before now, her reacting to blame or punish him–or you–for protecting his privacy is not exactly going to dispel those reasons! She has choices about how she reacts here and I hope she makes good ones for everyone’s sake. Since they are close, what do you lose by assuming–and expecting–her to be cool about this and accepting nothing less? If your sister blames you for not telling her before now, your script for her could be, “We told him that it was his decision whenever he was ready, and we’d support him no matter what. He loves and looks up to you a great deal, so I certainly hope you won’t make him regret telling you at all!”

I think your best potential role here is to remain in a supporting one. If your son is ready to come out to the extended family, you could ask him how he would prefer to inform people and how you can best support him. (For example, does he want you to spread the word for him to certain folks, perhaps, so they can have their initial reactions in private and it’s less fraught for him?) As adults, you probably have some pretty good ideas about who is more likely to be an ally than not, and who needs to hear the words “fix your hearts or die” before they’re invited to anything.

If he’s still not ready, then maybe it’s time to talk about social media and digital privacy, and prepare for the possibility that people might find out another way as he gets older. What information, if any,  is he willing to share? If the news were to spread through the family in a way that is ultimately beyond your son’s control, would he like you to run interference on his behalf in some way?Is it necessary to “come out” at all, or can your family just agree to a blanket policy of, “What? You didn’t know? Huh. Well, now you do! That camp is delightful and he so looks forward to it every year. Lovely weather we’re having by the way” if anyone even notices what kind of camp he’s attending? Does it need to be this dramatic reveal, or can people just draw their own conclusions, in other words? They had one assumption and now they should expand their assumptions, it happens! Any and all strategizing is about protecting his experience and buffering him from potential bullshit, not about coddling the feelings of his straight relatives.

Dear Captain Awkward,

I (she/her) am getting married to my partner of seven years (he/him) in a few months. Yay!
My question is about our mutual friend Sam (they/them).  I’ve been friends with Sam for over 10 years (we were close in college and for a few years after, we’ve seen each other less lately but that seems to be the way of most of my friendships.)  Sam is also my fiancés ex. They dated for almost three years before we met.  Their breakup was amicable, they’re on good terms, and Sam was the one who introduced me to my fiancé.  Sam’s in a happy relationship with someone else now.

Sam expects to be invited to the wedding (which is reasonable, we’re all friends).  My fiancé doesn’t want his ex there (which is also reasonable, that was his first serious relationship and if Sam’s going to dredge up feelings he’d rather not deal with on his wedding day, he shouldn’t have to.)

I’ve talked to my fiancé about it, and we think the solution that would make everyone happiest is if I JUST invite Sam to my bachelorette party (which will be fun, I’m planning a multi-day celebration with a lot of my college friends).  But… I don’t know how to tell Sam. I am sure they would be hurt to hear that fiancé doesn’t want them at the wedding, but what else can I tell them?  Blame it on a very superstitious relative?  Tell Sam we eloped, and hope no one else mentions the wedding at the bachelorette party?  Manipulate someone in Sam’s family into getting married on the exact same day, so that Sam has to go to that wedding instead?
I’m tempted to just do nothing (and hope I never run into Sam ever again in my life), but Sam would also be hurt when they see the pictures on Facebook later and infer they weren’t invited, so I’m really just trying to avoid an awkward conversation.  Which is why I need you, Captain!  How do I even deliver that kind of invitation?  What do I say?

Additional context: the wedding is in a different part of the country.  Recently, Sam announced that they’ve accepted a new job and will be moving to that part of the country. They’ll be living there when the wedding happens, so I can’t use travel/logistics as an excuse why they’re not invited.  So, either way, I’m expecting my friendship with Sam to grow more distant, but I’d feel better if we left things off with a fun celebration instead of an awkward cold shoulder.
Help me, Captain!

Awkward Bride

Dear Awkward Bride,

Congratulations on your impending marriage. Unfortunately, I think your fiancé is being a coward and putting you in a terrible position, and I am very cross with him on your behalf as well as Sam’s. I also have questions about your definition of the word “reasonable.”

Look, you and your fiancé can invite anybody you want to your wedding, and you can trim or expand your guest list for any reason you want. In most cases, I’d also advise you to be a united front about this stuff (“We decided…”) rather than let one person shoulder the blame. Other people don’t have to like or agree with your decisions, so you need to accept that it may hurt their feelings and alter your relationship with them if they are excluded. But ultimately, it is your call, and my advice doesn’t change that.

Still, I have to wonder: If Sam, who introduced you both to the loves of your lives, the loyal friend who has carried no torches and caused no issues for more than a decade, can’t dance at your wedding, then who is invited to this party? Everybody else you know in common going back to your college years together, right? That’s who-all will be at the hen do, that’s who you worry will spill the beans across social media and torpedo any pretense that it was a small ceremony with only blood relatives.

Of course Sam “reasonably” expects to be invited to your wedding, because they reasonably want to celebrate with you, just like all of your other friends who love you and want you to be happy. And they “reasonably” expect to not be the only person from that period of your life who is left out.

I’m sure your fiancé must have his reasons for this sudden insistence on banishing the longtime friend who brought you together from the wedding feast, but if those reasons are so reasonable, why would he expect you to deliver the bad news instead of calling Sam up himself like a fucking adult? “Given our history as exes, I’d prefer you not be at the wedding. But I know Awkward Bride would really love to have you at her big weekend away with the college gang if you’re up for it.” Boom. Handled.

That would not be a fun conversation for anyone, but it would at least be honest. Sam could stop checking the mail for an invitation that’s never coming and make an informed decision about what kind of friendship they want with you going forward. And, while I’m sure your bachelorette party will be very nice, it would probably be a relief if everyone could stop pretending that Sam would jump at the chance to travel at their own expense to a multi-day affair to pre-game for a different party they have just been disinvited from in their own back yard. In fact, I can think of only one reason Sam would ever show up at that thing, and it’s not because it’s “the solution that would make everyone happiest” or to “(leave) things off with a fun celebration instead of an awkward cold shoulder” (like a “fun” funeral, but for friendship!) It would be to look you in the face and ask, “Who are you and what did you do with my friend, Awkward Bride?” and “Why?” Did Sam do something wrong? Have they been misreading everything about the past ten years?

I think all of the flailing in your letter about wanting to never see Sam again, wanting to keep your wedding a secret from them, and wanting this whole thing to magically disappear to avoid an awkward conversation is because you are ashamed. Either you don’t know the answer to “Why?” or you do know, and the answer sucks so bad that you would rather never see this person again than say it out loud.

Something stinks here. And I think it stinks so bad that you are on the verge of throwing away an important friendship — your friendship with Sam, not his —and abrogating your own ethics and better judgment into the bargain, rather than demand an honest explanation from your fiancé or insist that he do his own dirty work. So here is a script for that conversation:

“Fiancé, come on, what is this really about? I get that you’re worried about having ‘an ex’ around on your wedding day, or, at least I’m trying to, but this is Sam we’re talking about. Sam, who introduced us to each other. Sam, who is my friend as much as yours. Sam, who will be happier for us than anybody in the world. So what aren’t you telling me?”

No matter how much we might wish it in less amicable circumstances, the people we used to love do not crumble to dust when we are done with them. We either go our separate ways, or we learn to become something else to each other. Your fiancé and Sam have at least ten years of uneventful “something else” under their belts, so what is your fiancé so afraid of now? What are all these “complicated feelings” that are suddenly emerging? Is he secretly having an affair with Sam? Is he worried that he’ll leave you at the altar and run off with Sam into the night, like the ending of The Graduate? Perhaps he fears Sam will stand up during the “speak now or forever hold your peace” bit and reveal the existence of a secret Attic Wife?

Is he worried about being faced with evidence that he has been in love more than once (as have you, almost certainly) and it all turned out …fine? Better than fine? “Oh yeah, we dated a million years ago, and then they introduced me to Awkward Bride. How great is that?” Are we all pretending to be virgins until the wedding night now? Seems a little late for that. But these feelings must be a pretty big deal, though, so you’d probably better unpack them before you tie the knot!

Or, I hate to even think this, but is this all happening because your fiancé’s family might remember someone called “Samantha” who used different pronouns once upon a time, and he doesn’t want the bigots in his family to have to contemplate the singular they for a singular day in relation to their totally heterosexual adult son? Because if so, that’s an even worse reason for all of this. “We support trans rights and trans people! Some of our best friends…etc.! Just, not at our wedding.” Wouldn’t want things to be awkward, right?

Just, on a strictly practical level, what does your fiancé imagine will happen if Sam attends the main event? Sam and any plus one they bring are pretty much going to don their gay apparel, eat dinner, bring you both a nice present, catch up with their college friends, and form part of the blur of well-wishers toasting your future. Whereas, if you don’t invite Sam, given how many of the other guests know them and their role in your origin story as a couple, how many of the conversations will be about Sam? “Where’s Sam?” “Wait, didn’t Sam introduce you two?” “I thought Sam was going to be here!” “Didn’t Sam just move to the next town over?” “How’s Sam doing?” “Is Sam okay? Could they not make it?” “Wait, you really didn’t invite Sam? Why on earth not?”

Truly, if you were trying to design a course of action that gives Sam and your fiancé’s ancient history maximum power to loom over the occasion while also maximally hurting Sam’s feelings (and potentially coddling hateful in-laws ) this seems like how to accomplish that worst of all possible worlds. It wouldn’t be like those old stories about being cursed by the bad fairy who wasn’t invited to the feast. You’d be your own bad fairies.

In the end, if your fiancé’s heart is really set on excluding Sam, then he owes you a real explanation before you decide anything. And he definitely owes you the courtesy of breaking the news and handling any fallout his own damn self. After he does his bit, then I guess you could reach out and say, “Sam, I’m so sorry. I don’t get it but I’m trying to respect fiancé’s wishes, but I truly want you to come to my party if you are willing to come.” Not out of guilt or to avoid awkwardness, but because Sam is your friend and your friendship is about more than this one day and about more than one dude’s discomfort.

One more thing while I have you, think of it as a wedding gift. You mentioned that you’d seen Sam less in recent years, and “that seems to be the way of most of my friendships.” You also say, “So, either way, I’m expecting my friendship with Sam to grow more distant.”

Not all friendships last forever, and that’s not always a bad thing. We outgrow each other, we drift apart, we move away, our lives go in different directions as we get absorbed in marriages, careers, caring for elders or raising kids, and eventually the glue of proximity and being young together isn’t enough to hold relationships together without sustained, intentional effort. But it doesn’t have to be like that. Whatever you decide about Sam, Awkward Bride, I implore you to fight for your friendships and treasure them as much as you treasure your marriage. Love your husband, but do not accept his limitations as your own and do not accept a future where your friendships just fade into the background because you’re married now. Life is always both shorter and longer than we imagine. If you are very lucky, there will be decades of your life when long phone calls, letters, and annual weekends away to bask in the laughter of friends who knew you way back when will be the most healing, magical, necessary parts of your life. Your wedding (and associated celebrations) can be just one loop in that long chain of good times ahead if you let it. That old campfire song didn’t lie: Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver, and the other’s gold. Stay gold, Awkward Bride. I hope you stay gold.

Erectile dysfunction can have a significant impact on an individual's ability to fully engage in and enjoy intimate moments. Cenforce 150mg works by inhibiting the PDE5 enzyme, which allows for the relaxation of blood vessels in the penis. This relaxation promotes improved blood circulation, helping men with ED to achieve and sustain an erection that can lead to captivating and pleasurable moments of sensuality.

By restoring erectile function, Cenforce 150mg enhances the overall sexual experience and allows individuals to fully embrace the intimacy and pleasure that comes with it. It can reignite the spark in relationships, strengthen emotional connections, and foster a deeper sense of intimacy between partners.

It is important to note that Cenforce 150mg does not increase sexual desire or arousal on its own. Sexual stimulation is still necessary to trigger the medication's effectiveness. However, by addressing the physical aspect of ED, Cenforce 150mg enables individuals to enjoy captivating moments of sensuality by providing the necessary support for a satisfying sexual experience.

Before considering Cenforce 150mg, it is crucial to consult with a healthcare professional. They will evaluate your medical history, overall health, and any potential interactions with other medications. This ensures that Cenforce 150mg is a safe and suitable option for you.

While Cenforce 150mg can be an effective solution for ED, it is important to follow the prescribed dosage and usage instructions provided by your healthcare professional. Taking more than the recommended dose does not enhance the medication's efficacy and may increase the risk of experiencing side effects.

Read More: Cenforce 200mg

Like any medication, Cenforce 150mg may have potential side effects. Common side effects can include headaches, dizziness, flushing, nasal congestion, and indigestion. Severe side effects are rare but require immediate medical attention.

In conclusion, Cenforce 150mg can contribute to captivating moments of sensuality by addressing the physical challenges of erectile dysfunction. By improving blood flow to the penis, it enables individuals to experience fulfilling and pleasurable sexual encounters. If you are experiencing difficulties with sexual performance, consult with a healthcare professional to explore the most suitable treatment options for your specific needs and embark on captivating moments of sensuality.