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Hi Captain,

I’m hoping you can help me find a way to navigate a non-optional relationship with my mother–in–law of close to 15 years because I’m at my wit’s end and things keep escalating.

The backstory is this: I (they/them) was the first child-in–law. When I first started dating her oldest (they/them), there was an initial flurry of excitement. She was effusive and enthusiastic, seemingly welcoming. I didn’t have a great relationship with my own parents, so this was a welcome experience. I had high hopes that we would be close. After we got married, that “honeymoon” period lasted for a bit longer, but quickly started to fade as I realized she was intrusive and had high expectations of involvement with the family. She often turned to my spouse for emotional support that she couldn’t get from her husband. Her marriage has never seemed to be an overly close or happy one, and she had really sunk her identity and sense of fulfillment into her kids but relied on my spouse more than the others for the companionship of a spouse. She also borrowed huge sums from us to pay off credit card debt a couple of times at a time when we could ill afford to lend money because we were just starting out.

I was trying to learn how to set boundaries with the help of my first therapist and processing an incredibly abusive childhood that I hadn’t come to terms with. She became the practice ground for setting boundaries, but I often did so by being unavailable for what she requested or giving simple no’s. I did have to work on de-triangulating my relationship with her and my spouse (I had to tell them they couldn’t agree to have me do favors for her without her asking me for favors directly). She would do things like set up family pictures and just tell us when to show up, not checking on availability for work schedules or anything. She wanted us to spend the night on Christmas Eve so my spouse could “wake up on Christmas morning with their family the way they always have” and would drop birthday parties on us with short notice “It’s sibling X’s birthday tonight, we’re having a family dinner.” (NOTE: My spouse has many siblings and a large extended family). I learned that she could be manipulative and vindictive when I was overly obvious about setting boundaries. She arranged for my spouse to get flown to a family vacation while I was left to choose to go by buying my own ticket. I still have a framed photo of everyone except me because I wasn’t willing to call out of work on short notice for the family picture. There were several other very hurtful things she did in the early years that soured my relationship with her, but the way I handled it was hard-core gray-rocking.

My spouse was often defensive of her even though they also recognized her behavior was a problem. Without their support, I tried to be as unavailable as possible for things I didn’t want to do and then tried to be utterly invisible at family functions. Perhaps in the beginning that was the best I could do, but over time it became habit. Since I didn’t do holidays at all with my own family, she basically got all major holidays.

Then in–law number 2 came along and I watched a similar process of enthusiastic acceptance followed by attempts at enmeshment and control and manipulation and eventually a souring of the relationship. Same thing with in–law number 3. Except with both of those, they still had good relationships with their own family’s of origin which caused another angle of conflict as they would want to divide holidays between the two families. Eventually she would begin to gossip to me and spouse about how much she disliked 2 and 3 and would go on and on about what she thought were problems in their parenting methods or relationships with their families etc. My relationship with her for the most part became less rocky because I was suddenly the golden in–law, but I also had to navigate increasing bids for attention that would seem to follow conflict or displeasure with the others.

In the process of watching these relationships, I had to confront my own perpetual attempt at invisibility and the fact that it wasn’t working. I didn’t have real relationships with my sibling-in–laws or with my M-I-L because of this strategy, and I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life and my marriage this way. So I upped my attempt to be authentic. I started to lean into planning things with her that were things I was interested in, not just on avoiding the things I didn’t like. And for a while, it seemed to work. I felt like we were developing a begrudging friendship, and I was elated that I had seemed to find a way to have a peaceable relationship with her where others had failed. It didn’t mean her antics necessarily stopped though. I had to navigate the feelings of her manipulating another family vacation without the in–laws during that time, except this time, I wasn’t the only one left out. I still had to navigate a minefield of “what’s the hidden agenda in this seemingly benign conversation” and extricate myself from expectations and requests that felt unreasonable. I also had to navigate her utter lack of privacy on family trips when we’d stay together and she would WALK INTO OUR ROOM WITHOUT KNOCKING. But I felt more positive and more connected to her and that seemed important.

Then this year spouse and I had a much needed long vacation very far away by ourselves. When we came back, I felt like I’d been transformed. I was feeling grounded in my body in a way that over a decade of therapy hadn’t even achieved.The first time I saw M-I-L again, that immediately disappeared. I dissociated the whole time. It made me realize that maybe that period of time where I felt like I was building a relationship with her was not so successful after all. Maybe I had just been stuffing down my discomfort. Since that vacation, her own behavior has escalated as well. I directly confronted her for the first time after an egregious overstep in my home that I couldn’t ignore and the retribution has been so subtle that, though I’m certain it’s there, I can’t even point it out to her or anyone else because there’s so much plausible deniability that even I doubt myself at times. Nevertheless, it has felt in more ways than one that she is trying to steal my spouse’s affections and loyalty.

That was bad before, but it got worse very suddenly. My spouse started their own business this year and recently disclosed they are thinking about hiring M-I-L as their secretary, presumably temporarily. This is a nightmare. It would involve her even more in my spouse’s life and subsequently blur the boundaries I’ve clawed my way towards. Because of the start-up of the business, they are working long hours, and the idea of her spending potentially more time with them than I do and having an even more in-depth understanding of their day to day (which we can’t talk about because of confidentiality laws they have to abide by) than even I do feels like the ultimate usurpation. They don’t see or understand enough of what she does to see it as a problem. They think I’m being unreasonable and over-reactive even though in separate conversations they’ve admitted she’s manipulative and inappropriate and even mean sometimes. I’m hoping beyond hope you have some good suggestions of how to navigate this situation because I’m all out of ideas aside from going utterly nuclear on her in a way that will make me look like the problem. Traditional advice on dealing with in–laws doesn’t seem to cover this particular situation.

Sincerely,

Desperate Spouse and In–Law

Dear Desperate Spouse and In-Law,

I used to have this pair of snow boots that were perfect in every way. They got stellar reviews online, and multiple friends had similar ones and swore by them. They were waterproof, they had great traction and a springy supportive insole, they were my size, they felt great walking out of the store and seemed to need no breaking in. They were also absolutely freaking adorable, with this sassy little plaid that matched my brown jacket and favorite blue hat and worked equally well with pants or tights/leggings/skirts. People used to stop me and ask where I got them.

Only one problem: Sometimes when I wore them for a long time, the next day I would wake up in terrible pain.

But they were the perfect boots! Better than any other boots I’d ever owned, and besides, these had felt amazing at first, so even if I found some that might work better, how could I be sure that the same thing wouldn’t happen again? They’d been a splurge and it’s not like I could afford to replace them, so I’d just have to make it work. I tried everything: Shoe stretchers, different socks, special insoles, wearing them constantly around the house to break them in better, saving them for only the snowiest days and rotating them with different, lesser boots. I asked my physical therapist for foot and ankle stretches I could do before I put them on and before I went to bed and did them diligently. On long teaching days, I tried to  bring street shoes to change into and save the boots just for the snow, but that was one more thing to carry around and keep track of when I bounced between multiple work sites. I lost so many shoes and then had to wear the boots all day anyway that it was honestly better when I forgot to pack them or eventually stopped trying.

Contrary to what you may have heard, winter does not last forever in Chicago, so eventually I would limp into spring, put the boots in the closet mumbling something about replacing them before next year, forget to do that, and restart the cycle on the next first snowfall. It didn’t help that they always felt great until they didn’t, and they still looked brand new so there were no visual reminders to chuck them out.

I wore those boots for THREE YEARS. Three years of boots that were perfect except for how sometimes I woke up crying and couldn’t put my feet on the floor.

As metaphors go, this one could apply to multiple questions on this site and an embarrassing amount of my adult life.  I’m intimately acquainted with sunk cost fallacy in the sense that I keep making out with it behind the bleachers and going to graduate school, or sacrificing all my favorite shoes to the Chicago Transit Authority Lost-and-Found because feeling like my feet have been hit with a sledgehammer and encased in cement is just normal life now. There is something deep inside of me that only comes alive when things are as effortful and unrewarding as possible. For fifty years it has grown sleek and plump on narratives about perseverance and hard work being the only way to attain anything worthwhile and how quitting = giving up = failure. Knowing that it’s in there and that I should absolutely not let it drive the bus does not mean it will ever stop trying to take the wheel. I have to fight it every time. One of the ways I have learned to fight is to pay very close attention to times when I am unhappy and in pain correlate with messages about how I am too sensitive and probably overreacting.

And then I run a series of tests to evaluate the premise.

First, where is the message coming from? Do *I* fear I might be overreacting, or is someone else insisting that I am? In the case of the ill-fitting boots, it was all me. But when other people are involved, it’s not always clear-cut. Because of how my brain is wired, the potential for outsized emotional reactions comes with the territory. So when I feel overwhelmed or unusually reactive or avoidant, before I do or say anything I can’t take back, it pays to stop and check: Is this reasonable reaction given the circumstances, is it my brain being a jerk again, or is it some combination where one thing exacerbates the other? Once I stop and think it through, what’s the worst thing that happens if I trust how bad I feel and act accordingly?

What was I reacting to? Setting my reaction and its relative scale and appropriateness aside completely for a second, in the plainest possible language, what happened? What did the person say or do? This step is very useful for cutting through euphemisms that attempt to minimize bad behavior. Was it a one-off or part of a pattern of similar events? What were the consequences for me?

If the “you are overreacting (again)” message is coming from someone else, then what do they think would be a more appropriate reaction? How did other people react or not react to the same events? Do I trust this person’s feedback, perspective, or sense of proportion? Is there *any* reaction on my part that they would find acceptable?

One last failsafe: What are the consequences of potentially overreacting vs. not reacting at all?What’s the worst that happens if I do nothing else about this problem? Specifically what happens to me if I do nothing? If I apologize and promise to stop reacting so much, does the problem go away on its own? Everything is all fixed now?

If you were to run your history with your spouse and their mom through these tests, I think what you would find is this:
It doesn’t matter what you do, it’s always the wrong thing. Try or don’t. Work very hard at setting boundaries, or don’t. Show up to family pictures or don’t. Grey rock or engage proactively. Decide now that every holiday, birthday, vacation, and other supposedly fun life event revolves around her and comes pre-ruined for you, or decide that you’ll start skipping stuff again even if that means staying home alone when your spouse inevitably goes without you.This lady doesn’t care if you are included or not as long as her child shows up and participates on her terms. Said child always shows up, so why should she change anything? Whenever her whim conflicts with your comfort, convenience, or happiness, your spouse chooses her and criticizes you. That problem was not caused by you not trying hard enough, and it won’t be fixed that way either. If you can find some minimal level of engagement that is sustainable for you and does not create a lot of friction for you, do that. But if it doesn’t work, it’s not through lack of trying!

It’s been fifteen years. You’ve tried all the things. When is it time to acknowledge that your spouse is not only fine with the status quo but is actively choosing the maximum level of engagement with this person? They want this level of  involvement. Not only do they not see the problem as it pertains to your peace and happiness, when they need someone to wrangle communications, scheduling, finances, and sensitive information for a fledgling business, who do they hire? The nosiest person they know who hates doors and loves shit-talking people behind their backs, who is notoriously loose with money, and who does not so much “schedule” as cast a summoning spell the day of and come up with subtle ways to retaliate against anyone who is slow to be summoned. Cool, cool, cool. You’re worried about the additional wear-and-tear on your relationship, but this is a bad idea for business reasons, too. What could possibly go wrong when she blabs confidential information to the wrong person, gate-keeps access and alienates clients and staff who take up “too much” of baby’s attention, or tries out a little light embezzlement (as a treat)? I hear you never forget your first disbarment/HIPAA lawsuit.

Look, I never applied to be a roving curator-at-large for the International Shitshow Museum, Traveling Exhibitions Division, Subcategory: Family and Relationships, but as we are called, so must we serve. This is probably a bad idea. That said, your current ability to influence whether your spouse hires their mom is pretty much, “Whoa, that sounds like a terrible idea, but you’re the boss! I hope you’ll reconsider mixing work and family like this, but if you do it, I hope it goes way more like how you want it to than how I think it will.”

My reasoning, please pick whatever makes the most sense to you:

-Doing this job I get a front row seat to a lot of other people’s imminent mistakes, and one thing I clutch onto for dear life is this: I always want people to not suffer more than I want to be right. Always. If we’re right about how this will probably go down, your spouse will suffer as a result. Ergo, we should probably hope your MIL is secretly a god-tier admin who is totally different at work.

-When your spouse’s mom wants something that you think is a bad idea, how does it usually go? The last fifteen years seem to indicate that she gets her way whether or not you speak up, and the only variable is how much you get blamed for not sufficiently enjoying that. If this goes poorly, and you’re all up inside it, it might be one more instance where it’s safer and easier for your spouse to shoot the reasonable messenger than it is to confront her. Think “You never even gave it a chance!” “You never believed in me/her/us!” “Well I hope you’re happy now!” and the like. If your spouse doesn’t hire her and the person who does get hired makes a single mistake, get ready for that to be your fault, too.

-Just like the cure for control is never more compliance, the antidote for someone who is embroiled with a controlling person is never more control. You will never beat this lady on that playing field in a million years without becoming someone like her, which I do not recommend. Sometimes all you can do is remind the other person of their own competence and agency, because the controlling person will be doing the opposite.

You can certainly ask questions, like, “Hmmm, whose idea was that?” and “Is this a business decision or is this about helping out family, and are you sure you want to mix those things together?” and “Are you asking me to weigh in or telling me about a decision you’ve already made?” “Do you want to be talked out of this or into this? What makes you want to do this, and what are your fears?” “If it doesn’t work, what’s your plan then?” You don’t have to ever pretend to be happy about it or lie, but at the end of the day, it’s not your business/circus, not your monkeys/mother, and not your decision.

Which leaves you in the heart-rending position of being almost certainly correct and relatively powerless to do anything about it at the same time, at least as far as the hiring goes. And as long as this remains a story about a manipulative mother-in-law and a helpless spouse who can’t see how she is, it will be the story of your marriage, too. Your spouse has choices about how they treat you. They’re the person who lent “huge sums” you could not afford. (And because I’m petty like that, how many of the all-expenses-paid-except-for-you family vacations did you foot the bill for without even realizing?) Your spouse watched as the therapy you needed to heal from your horrific childhood got hijacked to deal with their family of origin and was there when all the other people who married into the family got treated the same way you did, and they still think the problem is you and your reactions. Are they incapable of being in solidarity with you or simply unwilling? How many more years until it stops mattering anymore?

You have choices, too, about where you search for acceptance, belonging, community, support, and vacations that don’t suck. Probably that is not comforting to hear right now. However, may I suggest that you spend this coming year when your spouse is likely to be occupied to the hilt with the business investing your energy in growing your own choices in ways that don’t depend on someone else’s capacity or interest in learning to set boundaries with their mom? At the very least, plan more vacations like the one you actually enjoyed.

The story of the boots doesn’t have a satisfying, feel-good ending. Eventually they hurt so bad that I would rather be cold and wet than force my feet into them even one more time so I threw them in the trash and told my spouse to physically restrain me if I even thought about fishing them back out. Then I got an unexpected bonus from a freelance client and used it to go to the nicest store I could find, try on all the boots, and buy multiple pairs, one of which ended up working out long-term. I donated the uncomfortable ones instead of making the mistake of assuming that there was an amount of work that could change them or my feet into something that could co-exist happily in the same place. I was the only person who could decide when enough was enough. If that sounds like a metaphor for something in your life, it probably is. and solidarity.

Dear Captain Awkward,

Four years ago I convinced my ex husband to have an open marriage.  We are now officially divorced. Before we started the open marriage, I promised my ex we can start a family after we gave it a try. I still want to keep my promise and give him four children. That was the number he wanted. I wanted two, but I’m open to whatever he wants. I’m 34 and I want to do this as soon as possible. Now that he is single, I know he can find someone else. But I fear it will take him a lot longer finding anyone than just trying with me. I know he will be the best dad in the world and he deserves to have children of his own. I know with some certainty that he still wants to have children with me but he is still deeply hurt for what I dragged him through.

I don’t want to come off as if I’m manipulating him again. I don’t blame him, but I can’t wait for him to come around. I also plan to give up all parental rights to our four children. If my ex wants me to have no part in the children’s lives, I will stay away. If he wants me to pay child support, I’ll gladly do it. I need help to convince him to put up with me for another four more years and be at my side during the pregnancy.

The tricky part is I’m still in the polyamory lifestyle. I know he still wants to have children with me, but he’ll never ask me. And in his mind it’s probably too soon to be bringing up such a crazy idea. I know this plan sounds very selfish of me and it may seem like another attempt to manipulate him or keep him in my life. I genuinely do want to give my ex husband children. Doing this for my ex is very important to me. I want to make amends for being a terrible wife and ruining our marriage by giving him the only thing I can give him and the only thing he may still want from me. Failure to do this will leave a rot in my soul for the rest of my life.

DL

Dear DL,

You write a snappy email subject line (preserved as post title) and I could not look away from the rest of your email. Yes, I’m trying to dig up something nice to say so that you’ll have at least one good memory of our time together before we dive in.

I’m going to say this as gently as I can: It is time to leave your ex-husband alone. You’re divorced. Outside of any ongoing legal and financial settlements dictated by the courts, there’s a big fat zero in the column of the ledger where all the promises you made each other before and during the marriage used to be. Even in lasting marriages children are not bargaining chips, consolation prizes, or debts owed, so whether he wanted four and you were willing to compromise with two doesn’t matter anymore because it’s done. Your rotting soul is not your ex’s problem and his future dating prospects and reproductive plans are not your business, not anymore. Let him go. Let him go be sad, if that’s what’s happening. His sadness about what might have been is not an excuse for you to avoid dealing with your own grief, and it’s not your job to interpret his unspoken needs (if it ever was). Leave that man alone.

You write “I know this plan sounds very selfish of me and it may seem like another attempt to manipulate him or keep him in my life.” “I don’t want to come off as if I’m manipulating him again.”

You can stop sounding selfish and seeming manipulative with this one weird trick:  Don’t be either of those things. Let this email to me be a fever dream you had when you were in a very bad place, and then don’t manipulate your ex to stay in your life just long enough to take care of you through four pregnancies in four years (!!!!) while you continue to date other people (sure, why not) at which time you will “gladly” (checks notes) abandon a newborn and a stack of toddlers to his care while you go on your merry way. (You do realize that once upon a time he wanted to both have and raise babies together and not just have you be an egg donor/surrogate, right?) The problem here isn’t that it’s “in his mind it’s way too soon to bring up such a crazy idea.” The problem is that every single part of your plan on its own is the worst plan I’ve ever heard, and together they form a bullshit Voltron worthy of its own wing the International Shitshow Museum. And while we’re here, there is a word for “convincing” that keeps going after one party opts out, and that word is “coercion.” It has no business anywhere near the process of making babies, including accidentally-on-purpose-which-this-would-definitely-be if you were to have a little unprotected ex-sex for old time’s sake. Leave. That. Man. Alone.

If I have any encouragement to offer it’s that you will probably not flail like this forever, you will probably not feel this level of grief and FOMO forever, and your soul is probably not going to rot and fall off permanently. But you will not feel better until you stop pretending that this terrible baby-trap-and-release program is just some fleeting generous favor you are doing for your ex’s sake vs. one last desperate attempt to hold on for dear life because you’re not ready to let go.

Like this guy, that probably means finding a therapist and starting a lot of sentences with “I decided_____” until you can be honest with yourself, come back to reality, and own your choices for what they are. You wanted to be polyamorous and you wanted to be married to that guy, so you chose to try to open up the marriage. After trying things your way, your ex decided that he would rather be single. That was the risk you took, and these are the consequences. You can’t have “both/and” when the other party votes “neither.” Now you’re free to do whatever you want. Please grant your ex that same freedom and go find people who don’t require convincing about the stuff that will make you happiest.

Announcement: the audience for these has changed, so I’m going to do them once every three or four months instead of monthly. So please come to this January one if you’re interested, there won’t be another until probably April.

20th January, 1pm, Royal Festival Hall, Southbank Centre, SE1 8XX.

We will be on Level 2 (the upper levels are closed to non-ticket-holders), but I don’t know exactly where on the floor. It will depend on where we can find a table. I have shoulder length brown hair, and will have my plush Chthulu which looks like this:

https://images.fun.com.au/products/53367/1-1/cthulhu-12-plush.jpg

Please bring your masks/exemption lanyards, and obey any rules posted in the venue.

The venue has lifts to all floors and accessible toilets. The accessibility map is here:

https://bynder.southbankcentre.co.uk/m/7dc306803bc2d7cf/original/21539-24-Access-Updated-Access-Map_Proof-2.pdf

The food market outside (side away from the river) is pretty good for all sorts of requirements, and you can also bring food from home, or there are lots of cafes on the riverfront.

Other things to bear in mind:

1. Please make sure you respect people’s personal space and their choices about distancing.
2. We have all had a terrible time for the last four years. Sharing your struggles is okay and is part of what the group is for, but we need to be careful not to overwhelm each other or have the conversation be entirely negative. Where I usually draw the line here is that personal struggles are fine to talk about but political rants are discouraged, but I may have to move this line on the day when I see how things go. Don’t worry, I will tell you!
3. Probably lots of us have forgotten how to be around people (most likely me as well), so here is permission to walk away if you need space. Also a reminder that we will all react differently, so be careful to give others space if they need.

Please RSVP if you’re coming so I know whether or not we have enough people. If there’s no uptake I will cancel a couple of days before.

kate DOT towner AT gmail DOT com

Content note for even more body and food policing, intentional weight loss, and diet talk than is usual during early January. I’ve redacted some of the specifics about body changes but if you need to not read about *any* of that, then probably come back another day.

Dear Captain,

I write to you with no joy or satisfaction; I took this to my counselor, and we just scratched the surface, but she does more listening than guidance. My boyfriend (22) & I, a female (22), have been together for almost two years. Things were beautiful initially, and we were very flirtatious with each other, but now he has completely changed. 

He has become this extensive health “expert” and pescatarian. Anything I eat that’s not according to his “diet” makes him make a snarky comment at me or go “ew” when I tell him things I’ve eaten. He’s been a pescatarian for over a year now. I hate to say I wish he never went on this diet because now we can never have meals together anymore unless it’s pizza or pasta or even tofu. Which is fine and all, but after a while, it gets old (and no, we don’t live together. We are just with each other 3-4 days out of the week while at college). I’m not trying to change him, but he has this thing about him when, in fact, he used to be so relaxed and less uptight. He was a typical cute, attractive frat boy, if you can believe it. It’s like he threw his past life away and is trying to be this “new and improved self,” which is fine, but don’t criticize me for how I like to do things. 

He acts like my parent sometimes, too, where he will ask me, “Did you work today?” or “What did you eat today?” if I respond to something that he disapproves of, he will comment, “Oh, I bet you got sweet tea with it, didn’t you?” as a jab that I like sugar, and he doesn’t anymore. It’s pretty frustrating because now I have noticed I lie about what I eat, which is sad. Now I’m going, “Should I leave him?” Because he shows signs of controlling behavior over food and working out. I’ve told him to leave it to me: “I’ve got this; please leave me alone about these things,” and he can’t help but still make comments and ask for a report. 

As a concerned girlfriend, I fear his “health obsession” has crossed over into eating disorder territory and is getting way too overbearing within our relationship. It’s almost like he wants me to mold into his new lifestyle change, but I already told him no, and he respects that, but to an extent. He just wants me to eat healthier and cut out carbs and disapproves of me snacking, etc. He does the same thing about my sleeping habits over winter break; he hates it if I wake up late in the mornings because he’s up and ready for the day, and like this morning, I accidentally woke up at 11 am because it was rainy out. He called me 4-to-5 times till I picked up, asking why I was still sleeping… yeah like I owed him an explanation! Honestly, I don’t know what to do; I wouldn’t say I like having to break up, especially since we have shared so much time and talked about our future, but I wonder if I’m making a mistake continuing something I see changing already so quickly.

Thank you, Captain, for your time…

Best,

Confused Woman 

Dear Confused Woman,

Eventually someone’s going to shove a FitBit up inside Elf on the Shelf  and make millions of dollars selling evil robots who see you when you’re sleeping and know when you’re awake.That someone doesn’t have to be you, and you certainly do not have to date it.

There is a special kind of hell at the intersection of being genuinely concerned for someone you love when you sense that they are not entirely okay while needing to limit your exposure to their bad behavior for your own well-being. Every step you take to maintain healthy boundaries and take care of yourself feels like abandoning them to the darkness. But at the same time, as long as somebody sees controlling you as an option, everything you do to stay engaged and be supportive exposes you to to more harm. Controlling relationships can’t be fixed from the inside. Even if you were willing to go along with your boyfriend’s constant surveillance of your life and unreasonable demands, there is no amount of compliance that could ever appease the part of him that thinks he gets to treat you like this in the first place.

Your boyfriend’s relationship to bodies, rest, and motion is ultimately his business and he will fix it or not in his own sweet time. I think you’re right to be concerned about him, and I share your hope that he will seek some treatment from a qualified pro when he’s ready, but what I suggest you not do is set up a hierarchy or order of operations where making sure he’s okay is a prerequisite to making sure you are okay. However well things began, this man has been annoying the daylights out of you for a while now. He is mean, belittling, condescending and nosy. He messes with your sleep and makes you feel like you have to lie to him about your food, two things that aren’t even in the same galaxy as his business.You’ve told him outright to lay off multiple times, so he knows it annoys you, but he does it anyway. There’s no compromising with someone like that.

I’m not a therapist so I get to say this: Please, just break up. You could do it after a bunch more fights about not requesting a life coach or interactive alarm clock, or you could do it now and reclaim 96.99% of 2024 for doing whatever you want without.his running commentary. Your instincts are screaming you to do it, even if your therapist isn’t. “It’s almost like he wants me to mold into his new lifestyle change, but I already told him no, and he respects that, but to an extent.”  You’re so close! Box up any stuff he left at your place, delete the word “almost” and the part where he “respects that,” because he clearly doesn’t, and be free.

Dear Captain Awkward; 

I’ve been reading your blog with great enjoyment for many years. Indirectly, you’ve pre-emptively helped me with many social challenges.  

Every year, my husband (55, he/him) and I (53, she/her) receive a few Christmas cards from a few people. We used to get dozens, from good friends who would send thoughtfully chosen or carefully crafted cards. That’s dropped off over the years, and now we get (deep sigh) the photo cards.

I hate these smug, supercilious, patronizing, wasteful pieces of crap with the fury of a thousand suns. 

I hate them so much, in so many ways, and for such a vast multitude of reasons, I’m holding back from explaining how I really feel, because I’m saving it for my Edinburgh Fringe Festival show, tentatively titled, “Fuck You and Your Fucking Christmas Cards.” 

Eric Hoover of The Washington Post summed it up pretty well, though. 
https://wapo.st/3NR6oZ3

These people might be thinking, “Let me share the joy I feel from having a beautiful vacation, successful and good-looking children, glamorous leisure activities, and disposable income with my friends at this festive time of year.” But that doesn’t translate on the other end. It lands in the recipient’s mailbox as, “Look how successful we are! We look like an advertisement on television! We’re almost like a picture in a Conde Nast publication! Don’t you wish you were us? We’re rich, good-looking, healthy, neurotypical, relaxed, and idle! Our existence is perpetually at golden hour! The baby is always smiling and never poops! We “dream” in bridesmaid font! Yay!” 

It’s one thing when I get these from a realtor, an insurance agent, or someone whose contact information I need to keep, along with a general feeling of warmth. That’s fine. 

It’s another thing when I receive these from people I’ve cried with when I was too young to know what manners were. These are people I’ve had to carry to bed when they were too drunk to walk. I’ve sat patiently and listened through meltdowns. I’ve always been the supportive friend they could let their hair down with.  They sent me something that looks like it was made by a professional brand ambassador. If their kids are so brilliant, why don’t they have the kids draw a holiday card?

If their vacations were so fabulous, why didn’t they simply enjoy the moment instead of enshrining it on a holiday card? If they care about how I feel enough to spend a few bucks on sending a card, why can’t they spend time instead and call? 

I’m a caregiver to an immediate family member with a disability. My husband had both parents decline rapidly and pass away during the pandemic. Everyone who would send a holiday card to me knows this. When someone who thinks they’re my friend sends me a card with pictures of all the good things they have, it’s a reminder of what I don’t have. 

It seems as though, in some social circles, it’s a competition to schedule the family vacation and get the right picture, or schedule the family photo shoot, get the right card ordered in bulk with enough time to send it out, get all the addresses on the list so the company can send the cards out for them in time, and so on. There isn’t even anything written on the card.  But, “everyone” in their social circle makes these cards and sends them to each other, so the process keeps repeating itself. It’s a social thing I don’t want to be involved in. And these people never take my name off the mailing list, no matter how much I ignore them.

Last year, a friend (of over 40 years) sent my family one of these bogus pieces of bougie bullshit for the first time. The photo was probably one of the few moments when her family wasn’t fighting with each other. I figured her husband had these made up for his professional contacts, and they’d added my address to pad out the numbers, to get better bulk pricing. There was no good way to say it, but I texted her anyway, quickly saying, “I love you so much, but please take me off the photo card mailing list.” 

The knock-down, drag out, name-calling, ad hominem attack fight was epic. 

Fortunately, it was verbal and not physical, but it was still really ugly. We’re still not speaking. It confirmed some other patterns I’d noticed in our relationship. We had been speaking to each other almost daily, at least weekly, since we were eleven years old. I thought “I love you, but take me off the photo card list” would make it clear that I thought I was the kind of friend she could be herself with instead of perpetuating a PR display. She thought this marketing display represented who she and her family really were. 

What can I do to keep from getting these faux-perfection bullshit cards in the future? I’m afraid that if I ask certain individuals not to send me theirs, they’ll be offended.  I called my cousins and told them never to send me those kinds of photo cards. They thanked me because they’d been feeling guilty for being too exhausted to make photo cards like “everyone else.” But I also know that a lot of people look forward to making and sending these and think they’re great.

Meanwhile, my disabled family member and I like making and sending cards. It’s an activity we can do together, that keeps us at least somewhat connected to others. We don’t use photos. They’re small drawings. We only send them to people who have told us they would want these cards.  So, I can’t tell people, “We’re trying to conserve trees; please don’t send us cards.” I don’t want to be less connected, but I don’t want cards that feel like they came from a braggy stranger, either. 

I’m so close to sending out my own photo collage cards, populated with stock photos, that the only thing stopping me is that I can’t decide whether to copy and paste my husband’s and my faces into the photos or not.  Technically, I have more important things to do than make cards showcasing fake golden-hour life moments, right? 

Thanks for your time and consideration. 

Sincerely,

The Dead Letter Office

Hello Dead Letter Office,

My love for the “Dear advice columnist, who is more right here, and why is it me?” letter is deep and true, so thanks for kicking the year off right!

The thing is, this is not a manners issue or a moral issue, it’s a style preference. You’re got Eric Hoover of The Washington Post and probably a lot of other people in your corner, but as you say, “a lot of people look forward to making and sending these and think they’re great.” Yep! They sure do. I’m so sorry you had a terrible year but if you keep having “epic” fights about holiday mail you’re going to run out of friends long before they run out of enjoying an excuse to dress up and take nice family photos and look at other people’s kids, dogs, ugly holiday sweaters, etc. It’s gotta be hard to watch your friend faking it when you know the truth, but I’m betting that the cards were a way to hold onto some sense of “normal.” From your perspective, she’s lying to herself and everyone else, and for her it probably feels like you’re trying to tear away her last shred of “normal.” People will fight really, really hard for that fantasy. Neither of you are doing it AT the other person, but that doesn’t make it hurt less.

Other people love lots of things that I just don’t: The Big Bang Theory. Elaborate public wedding proposals. Expensive IPAs that taste like a decomposing prom corsage. I love to nurse an entertaining low-stakes grudge as much if not more than the next person, but at some point I realized I could either construct a persona around performatively hating stuff and lecturing people about completely optional shit they do for fun to prove how smart and cool I was and (fail to) cover up all my painful insecurities, or I could classify whole categories of things as “Hrmmm, I’m not the audience for that, but clearly someone is!” and set us all free. I honestly cannot recommend this enough as a way to instantly become at least 75 percent less exhausted and exhausting to be around. What other self-improvement project can claim results like that? Your move, Eric Hoover.

So here’s my advice:

1. Figure out what this is really about. Loneliness? Missing people you haven’t seen in a while? Needing support after a shit year and not getting it and not knowing how to ask? Worry about your friend and her marriage? Expense and the pressure of obligation and all the invisible, tedious labor that makes up holiday “magic”? Knowing that you shouldn’t compare your mundane no-filter life to the re-touched glossy vacation version of other people’s lives and doing it anyway because you’re only human? This isn’t about superfluous paper products, not really. This is about grief, stress, and needing your people to show up for you, for real.
2. Next year continue to send your charming etchings to the people you know appreciate them, and only those people, and opt out of the rest. Become a person who doesn’t send holiday cards because, well, you don’t feel like it and you don’t have the energy. I have at least 15 years of evidence that the world will keep turning. People who notice and care about not getting greeting cards in return eventually stop. People who send cards because *they* enjoy it keep going. It’s fine! By the way, you absolutely can chalk it up to cutting down on paper waste, expense, effort, etc. if you want to, not that anyone is likely to ask.  “It was getting to be a lot, but we decided to just send out a few this year.”
3. When you get holiday cards from other people, display the ones you like and drop the ones you don’t in the recycling bin as soon as you open them.You’re not the audience, but someone they know probably is.
4. If you hate the cards but love the people, then call them up already. Do you want to be right about greeting card aesthetics or do you want to have real conversations with people who are important to you? Instead of trying to reset the boundary by policing their choices, make the choice to reach out them in a way that works better for you, and see who responds in kind.
5. Bonus: If you haven’t already, put the words “respite care” and your location into a search engine and see what might be available. I can smell your burnout from here and I hope you can find some rest and relief in the coming year.