User blogs

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What is GPS Tracking Software?>>

GPS tracking software is a tool that uses Global Positioning System technology to monitor and manage vehicles within a fleet. It provides real-time data on the location, speed, and status of each vehicle, enabling fleet managers to make informed decisions.>>

How It Works>>

The software collects data from GPS devices installed in vehicles. This data is then transmitted to a central server, where it can be accessed and analyzed by fleet managers through a user-friendly interface.

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Enhanced Route Planning>>

Efficient route planning is crucial for reducing operational costs and improving service delivery. GPS tracking software helps in optimizing routes, thereby reducing travel time and minimizing idle time.>>

Improved Fuel Efficiency>>

By monitoring fuel consumption and identifying areas of wastage, GPS tracking software helps fleet managers implement fuel-saving practices, leading to significant cost savings.>>

Real-Time Tracking and Monitoring>>

With live location updates and geofencing capabilities, fleet managers can track their vehicles in real-time, ensuring timely deliveries and reducing the risk of unauthorized use.>>

Better Maintenance Scheduling>>

Predictive maintenance features allow for timely servicing of vehicles, reducing downtime and extending the lifespan of the fleet.>>

Increased Safety and Security>>

Monitoring driver behavior and implementing alert systems for unauthorized use helps in enhancing the safety and security of the fleet.

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Route Optimization>>

GPS tracking software enables route optimization by analyzing traffic conditions and suggesting the most efficient routes. This helps in reducing fuel consumption and travel time.>>

Reducing Travel Time>>

By providing real-time traffic updates, the software helps drivers avoid congested areas, ensuring timely deliveries.>>

Minimizing Idle Time>>

Idle time can significantly impact fuel efficiency and overall productivity. GPS tracking software identifies instances of idling, allowing fleet managers to address the issue promptly.


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The software tracks fuel usage across the fleet, helping managers identify patterns and areas for improvement.>>

Identifying Fuel Wastage>>

By analyzing data, GPS tracking software can pinpoint instances of excessive fuel consumption, such as harsh braking or unnecessary idling.>>

Implementing Fuel-Saving Practices>>

With actionable insights, fleet managers can implement fuel-saving practices like optimizing routes and promoting eco-friendly driving habits.

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Live Location Updates>>

Real-time tracking provides live updates on the location of each vehicle, ensuring efficient fleet management.>>

Geofencing Capabilities>>

Geofencing allows managers to set virtual boundaries and receive alerts when a vehicle enters or exits a designated area.>>

Alert Systems for Unauthorized Use>>

The software can send alerts for unauthorized use, helping prevent theft and misuse of fleet vehicles.

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Predictive Maintenance>>

By monitoring vehicle performance and usage patterns, GPS tracking software can predict when maintenance is needed, reducing unexpected breakdowns.>>

Reducing Downtime>>

Timely maintenance helps in minimizing vehicle downtime, ensuring that the fleet remains operational.>>

Extending Vehicle Lifespan>>

Regular maintenance and timely repairs extend the lifespan of fleet vehicles, maximizing the return on investment.

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Driver Behavior Monitoring>>

The software monitors driver behavior, providing insights into driving habits that could impact safety and fuel efficiency.>>

Theft Prevention>>

With real-time tracking and alert systems, GPS tracking software helps in preventing vehicle theft.>>

Emergency Response>>

In case of emergencies, the software provides the exact location of the vehicle, enabling swift response and assistance.

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Overview of Shahin Sira Dubai>>

Shahin Sira Dubai is a prominent logistics company known for its efficient fleet management.>>

Implementation of Secure Path Premium>>

The company implemented Secure Path Premium, a leading GPS tracking software, to enhance its fleet management system.>>

Results and Benefits Achieved>>

By leveraging Secure Path Premium, Shahin Sira Dubai achieved improved route planning, enhanced fuel efficiency, and better overall fleet performance.

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Key Features to Look For>>

When selecting GPS tracking software, consider features like real-time tracking, geofencing, and predictive maintenance.>>

Customization Options>>

Choose software that can be tailored to meet the specific needs of your fleet.>>

Scalability>>

Ensure that the software can scale with your business as your fleet grows.

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Compatibility with Existing Systems>>

Choose GPS tracking software that integrates seamlessly with your current fleet management tools.>>

Benefits of Integration>>

Integrated solutions provide a comprehensive view of fleet operations, enhancing efficiency and decision-making.>>

Examples of Integrated Solutions>>

Solutions like Secure Path Premium offer integration capabilities with various fleet management systems.

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Initial Investment vs. Long-Term Savings>>

While the initial investment may be significant, the long-term savings in fuel, maintenance, and operational efficiency justify the cost.>>

ROI of GPS Tracking Software>>

By improving various aspects of fleet management, GPS tracking software offers a high return on investment.>>

Affordable Options>>

There are numerous affordable GPS tracking solutions available that offer essential features without breaking the bank.

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Overcoming Resistance to Change>>

Implementing new technology can be met with resistance. Training and demonstrating the benefits can help in overcoming this challenge.>>

Ensuring Data Accuracy>>

Accurate data is crucial for effective fleet management. Regular maintenance and calibration of GPS devices ensure data accuracy.>>

Training and Support>>

Providing adequate training and support ensures that your team can effectively use the GPS tracking software.

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Advancements in GPS Technology>>

Emerging technologies are continually enhancing GPS tracking capabilities.>>

Integration with AI and IoT>>

The integration of AI and IoT with GPS tracking is paving the way for more advanced fleet management solutions.>>

Sustainable Fleet Management Practices>>

Adopting sustainable practices is becoming increasingly important, and GPS tracking software plays a crucial role in this transition.

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In conclusion, the best GPS tracking software significantly enhances fleet management systems by providing real-time data, improving fuel efficiency, ensuring better route planning, and increasing safety and security. Implementing such a solution can transform your fleet operations, leading to substantial cost savings and improved performance.

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What is the primary purpose of GPS tracking software in fleet management?

The primary purpose is to monitor and manage vehicles in real-time, enhancing operational efficiency and safety.>>

How does GPS tracking software contribute to fuel efficiency?

By providing insights into fuel consumption patterns and identifying wastage, allowing for the implementation of fuel-saving practices.>>

Can GPS tracking software help in reducing vehicle maintenance costs?

Yes, through predictive maintenance and timely servicing, it reduces unexpected breakdowns and extends vehicle lifespan.>>

What features should I look for in a GPS tracking software for my fleet?

Look for features like real-time tracking, geofencing, predictive maintenance, and integration capabilities with other systems.>>

How does GPS tracking software improve driver safety?

By monitoring driver behavior, providing real-time alerts, and ensuring timely emergency responses.>>

Mindfulness can help you connect with your teen.

The post Mindful Parenting: How to Raise Kind and Conscious Teens appeared first on The Gottman Institute.

Time for the periodic feature where we treat search strings that brought people here as if they are questions. After this musical interlude, settle in for some snap judgments + no context = assumption theater!

“Flirty answer to what are you doing this weekend.”

I am Captain Awkward, not Major Rizz, but maybe try something like, “I don’t know yet. Why, got a suggestion?”

If the person was trying to feel you out about availability for a date, that gives them plenty of opening to ask you out, and if they weren’t then you haven’t said anything to make it more weird or anything that requires you to do more work about it.

“How to politely tell people I am unemployed.”

Telling the truth about your actual life is not rude, so this is more about what you’re comfortable sharing given the audience and the occasion. You do not owe anyone a version of your life story that meets their expectations, nor do you have to justify or explain your circumstances! If unemployment is a stressful topic for you, I suggest finding the shortest true thing you can say about it and then changing the subject to something you’d rather talk about.

Let’s frame this as ways you could answer a routine “small talk” question from someone you just met: “So, what do you do?”

• “I’m a [profession] by training, but I’m between jobs at the moment. Howabout yourself?”
• “I just graduated and am looking for work as a [job]. And you?”
• “I’m taking some time off at the moment to [take care of family][deal with some medical stuff][finally pursue my dream of sailing around the world on a tiny raft]. What keeps you busy when you’re not working?”
• “Disability keeps me out of the workforce just now, but when I can [I take classes in ______][work on my ______hobby]. What are you nerdy about lately?”
• “Oof, sadly I was just laid off and I’m still figuring out my next move. Did I hear correctly that you’re an art restorer? That’s so interesting, how did you get into that line of work?”

I firmly believe that most people you meet in passing do not have some deep hidden agenda when they ask this question. They do not want to pry deeply into your life, judge you, or make you feel uncomfortable, and they will take their cue from you about how to respond. If you are calm and matter-of-fact in your answers, they will be matter-of-fact in return. If you seem sensitive and raw, they will be sympathetic and apologize for unwittingly poking a sore spot. If you change the subject away from your employment situation and toward something about them, they will let it stay changed. And if they truly want to help, they will a) ask and b) offer concrete solutions that might actually help. “If I hear of any openings that might be a good fit for you, would you like me to pass them along?” “I have some friends in that line of work, would you like me to make an introduction?”

That doesn’t mean that you’ll never run into nosy people, ableist people, “helpful” people who assume that any admission of less-than-ideal circumstances is an invitation to shower you with vintage job hunting tips from the summer of ’68 (when apparently people could guarantee themselves a job by showing up to companies in person out of the blue and calling them nonstop to demonstrate something called “grit” and “persistence.”) Someone who behaves like that isn’t doing it because you did something rude when you answered them truthfully about your life, and you’re not doing anything rude if you develop a sudden need to be elsewhere. “So nice meeting you!”

“How to ask my friends to set me up.”

“Do you know any cool single people you’d be willing to set me up with?”

“Is your friend _______ single by chance? I really liked talking to them when we met. Would you be willing to pass them my info or make an introduction?”

“If I threw a matchmaking party and asked everyone to bring their coolest single friend, would you come and who would you bring?”

They’ll either say yes or no and you can take it from there. And here is my pro-est of pro tips: If your friends say no to setting you up or seem reluctant, and you ask them why, and they’re kind enough to be honest with you, and you argue with their answers, THAT is the why. They want you to be happy, but they don’t want to be blamed for your dating disasters or subject their other friends to whatever that was.

“Why do I feel like I am cheating on my best friend when I hang out with other friends?”

I cannot divine your feelings, I can only offer clarifying questions.

Is the pressure internal or external? In other words, does your best friend do or say stuff that indicates that they might be jealous of when you spend time with other friends, or is that feeling something you’re generating on your own? Are you jealous when your best friend does social stuff without you?

Does whatever this is feel more like a problem or more like an opportunity? If it’s a problem, what would solve the problem, and do you want to actually do whatever that is? Does the prospect of talking about what’s happening with your friend make you feel more excited-nervous or annoyed-nervous?

There’s a lot of open ground on the spectrum between “I might have a little crush on my best friend (or vice-versa)” vs. “Life can be hectic and my best friend and I could probably use more quality time together” vs. “My best friend makes me feel smothered and guilty when I try to spend time with others.” Do any of those possibilities sound more plausible than the others? In a perfect world where this friendship unfolds exactly how you wish it would, what does that look like for you?

“Neighbors pretending to like you when they don’t.” + “Neighbors don’t answer their door only nice when they want something.”

Both of these came in back to back with neighbors misspelled the same way (neibours) so I’m gonna treat them as one. What I’m sensing here is that these neighbors do not want to be friends. They are superficially pleasant, not consistently friendly, and they definitely don’t want you to drop by without warning. It’s understandable if a mismatch in perceived friendliness vs. consistent behavior hurt your feelings or led to confusion, but now you know that whatever is happening right now is as close as you’re ever likely to be. So what do you want to do about it? You always have the option to remain superficially pleasant, avoid dropping in on them or inviting them to hang out, and seek close friendships elsewhere. Don’t confide in them about your personal life or pry into theirs, and don’t center them in your plans. If they seek you out when they want something, feel free to say no to anything that’s annoying or inconvenient for you. But also, feel free to approach them whenever you need something specific and concrete. Transactional, superficially pleasant relationships with people you don’t want to be besties with can be fine, actually, as long as everyone keeps their expectations realistic.

“Is it reasonable for my husband to leave me if he hates my hairstyle?”

There are a few distinct possibilities here:

1. The hairstyle was an excuse for something he was planning to do anyway.
2. He’s a controlling ass who thinks he has authority over your grooming decisions.
3. You did something to your hair that’s so offensive or ridiculous that it’s making him question all of his life choices and everything he knows about you as a person. (This is highly unlikely, but I’ve seen enough white people with corn rows or racist symbols shaved into their hair that I can’t completely exclude the possibility.)

All of these possibilities lead to the same place, in that somebody who would leave you over a hairstyle is someone who would leave you over a hairstyle. Whether you accept or agree with his reasons, he’s gone. Someday both of you can tell the story called “I Can’t Believe I Got Divorced Because of Hair,” and time will tell whether it’s a funny story or the one where you dodged a bullet.

“How to message ‘I am not the right guy for you.'”

If this is a breakup or a “no thanks, I’m not interested in pursuing anything” situation, I would suggest avoiding that angle entirely and replacing it with something more like “I’m so sorry, but I don’t want that kind of relationship with you.” 

It’s not your job to convince other people about what is right for them, it’s your job to decide what’s right for you and act according to your own values and priorities. By pitching it as “I’m not the right guy for you,” you’re trying to let the other person down easy by selling them on the idea that what’s right for you is what’s right for everyone, but what you’re really doing is saying “Your feelings are incorrect.” That potentially puts them in the position of trying to convince you that you are the right person and defending their own wants during a painful moment of rejection. Whether or not they think you are right for them, they are not right for you.Try something like this instead:

• “I’m so sorry, but I know this is the right decision for me.”
• “I just don’t feel the same way.”
• “I wish I shared your feelings, but I don’t.”
• “I’ve decided to break up.”
• “My feelings have changed, and I’m ending the relationship.”

We’re so culturally allergic to direct communication about feelings, so I understand if those seem harsh in comparison to “I’m just not the right person for you” or “I’m no good for you” or “You deserve so much better,” etc. But you’re not doing anyone any favors with self-deprecation. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is to take ownership of your choices without trying to sell the other person on being okay with them. You’re not the right guy because you decided that you don’t want to be, and that’s a good enough reason!

“What do with sadness that I might never get married.”

Feel it, acknowledge it, sit with it, grieve about it for a while, and then channel whatever is left over into making a wonderful life for yourself. Write down all of your wildest dreams and do them as hard as you can, without waiting for someone else to make them possible. Married love is not the only kind of love. If you long to have children, married parents are not the only parents. Your life will happen to you whether or not anyone ever comes along to share it in the permanent, legal sense, so do you want to spend it waiting and wishing for what you don’t have or grabbing on with both hands?

My grandma Louise was one of four sisters. Two of them (Louise & Betty) were wartime brides, the other two (Rose and Aurora, who went by Aura) lost their sweethearts in the war and never met anyone they liked more. I don’t know what it was like to be young and unmarried and work their way through the 1950s and 60s as executive assistants surrounded by everybody’s Leave It To Beaver fantasies about what women should be, but when I came along in the 1970s, Rose and Aurora were retired and living together in a beautiful house on a giant piece of land in the middle of nowhere that they turned into a lush garden full of secret wading pools and fountains and long tree-lined paths. They had a riding lawnmower and giant floppy hats with veils to keep the sun off when they gardened and did yardwork. From the outside, their house was your basic mid-century split ranch, but inside it was like the lair of an elegant witch from a fairy tale. Their dining room furniture was upholstered in Barbie pink, and their house was full of books, closets with of elegant vintage dress-up clothes hanging in the backs, vases of cut flowers, lush houseplants, and souvenirs from their world travels like safaris in Africa and river cruises down the Amazon. The room I stayed in had a pink velvet-covered fainting couch in it, obviously the greatest piece of furniture ever built. They ate dessert every single night, sometimes before dinner, because Auntie Rose believed that life was short and that being a grownup meant doing whatever you want.

As a kid, I used to go stay with them for a few weeks every summer to get out of my parents’ hair and get space from my brothers, and their house seemed like a paradise. I wove fairy crowns of violets and read piles of books and tried on all of Auntie Rose’s bright lipstick shades and draped myself in silk shawls she brought back from India and learned to embroider cursive initials onto Auntie Aura’s tiny handkerchiefs and untangle her yarn for crocheting and generally did not one single thing that I did not enjoy or want to do for days on end.

Unlike at home, I was allowed to read at the dinner table because we all read books at the dinner table. Sometimes they’d have me read out loud to them, other times they’d read to me from whatever they happened to be reading. Auntie Aura liked Barbara Cartland romances and Auntie Rose liked non-fiction, especially history and geography, and whenever she got a new National Geographic she let me cut pictures out of the old ones and make collages and dioramas with them. There was no such thing as “children’s books” vs. “adult books” in that house, books were just books and I could read whatever I was able to understand. They’d give me chores, like dusting, which I did not mind because it gave me the opportunity to explore the house and touch all of their interesting stuff. They’d show me how to wash and dry their delicate teacups and saucers covered in gold trim and intricate floral patterns, how to correctly plump sofa cushions, and how to construct dinners entirely from shrimp cocktail, rare hamburgers, and fruit salads.

One of the only rules was that if was going to play their piano, I couldn’t noodle around on it, I had to play complete songs or nothing so if I wanted to play during my visit I’d need to prepare something and practice at home before I came. (I maintain this rule whenever I babysit my friend’s musically-inclined children, can’t recommend it enough.) On Sundays, they’d bribe me to go to church with them by letting me pick out their outfits and wear as much of their costume jewelry as I could pile onto myself, and then we’d all three go out for ice cream on the way home, filled with holy light and enough bling to blind everyone we encountered.

My memories of them are a child’s memories, obviously, so I don’t know what regrets or secrets they held. People can seem happy without being happy. They were both total babes, so I *highly* doubt that they did not have multiple options where romance was concerned, and it’s not like they were gonna tell a 10-year-old about any extramarital hijinx. And yet? I know they thought my Grandpa Oscar was irritating (accurate) and razzed him mercilessly, they often told me that men were “too much work,” and I do not get the sense that envied my Grandma’s life one bit. One time I asked Auntie Rose why she never got married after the war, and this is what she said: “I was so young and so in love, and once I stopped being young I never met anyone who could offer me anything that was better than what I already had.”

There are lots of ways to write a happy ending, and worse ones than “I lived with my best friend, doing exactly as we liked for 40+ years.” Your story will unfold, one way or another, so try to write the best one you can.

Behavioral scientist-turned dating coach Logan Ury explains what matters more (and less) than you think in long-term relationships.

The post Go for the Life Partner, Not the Prom Date appeared first on The Gottman Institute.

Hello Captain!

I think my friend (30F) resents my work-life balance? For a while now she’s been making these weird comments that I don’t know what to do with. I’m a freelancer (also 30F) with a lot of flexibility as to when I decide to get my work done and business is doing well! I’m happy. She works in corporate and is always complaining about being overworked. I wouldn’t mind that – I’m happy to emphathize but it’s often in passive aggressive ways?

I really try to not provoke her but it feels like I can’t say anything. The last time we called (it was a group call) I mentioned rearranging furniture in my room and she said: ‘Ha, you must be so bored’. Me: ‘No I wouldn’t say I was bored.’ Her: ‘Ive been wanting to clear out the fridge for a year but I have just so much work.’ Me: Silence

Also on that same phone call I said I was gonna make a coffee before meeting with my next client. It was a state holiday. My friend asked if I work today and I said yes. Then she goes: ‘Well at least you can take a break. I could never take a break during my normal work day’. Me: Aha. Moving on.

So it’s not like I’m shoving vacation pictures in her face. But she resents me mentioning I was shopping for groceries in the morning and stupid shit like that. I’ve stopped arranging meetups with people during normal work hours in the group chat she is because it really seemed to trigger her ‘well someone has to work!’ but I can’t keep from saying shit like ‘I’ve done a non work related thing’ or ‘I’m working’. She went to the same uni I did and could easily do the freelance job I do now – I’d be happy to help her out and offered previously. I don’t know what to say when she react like this and it’s getting on my nerves.

Lately I’ve been saying nothing and just letting the silence sit. Should I confront her about it? How? Or am I being to sensitive about it? It makes me want to not talk to her at all. I’m not sure she’s realising what she’s doing.

Hello! If I’m reading this right, it feels like your friend is negging you with these little comments, but you’re not sure if she’s doing it on purpose or if it’s worth calling her on it. You’ve been handling things just fine, sounds like, but now you have ample evidence that responding with silence does nothing to interrupt this dynamic and it’s still annoying you, so it’s time to try something else. Here are a few more active strategies you could try. All of them are designed to give you a way to test whether she’s doing it intentionally and interrupt the cycle, while also giving your friend the maximum good-faith opportunity to course-correct. Sound good?

Strategy One: Pattern recognition + Information diet

Your friend calls you, asks you what you’re up to, you tell her, and then it kicks off, right? Maybe…almost…. like she’s asking the question to give her an excuse to be weird and critical about it? Stop telling her what you’re up to, or use much less detail.

Her: “Hey, glad I caught you! And what are you up to this fine day?”

You: “Nice to hear your voice! What’s going on with you?”

Answer her question with a question. Or, even better, lie and say you are working, and see if that changes it.

Her: “Hey, is this a good time to talk?”

You: Sure! I just finishing up some work, but I’ve got a few minutes. Why, what’s up with you?”

I do not like lying as a rule, and I do not like people who make me feel like I have to lie, so I”m not suggesting this as a long-term approach. Think of it as an experiment, where for the next 10 calls from this friend where she asks you this question, working on work is work, so is housework, so is working out, so is working through your latest binge watch, so is working on catching up with sleep if she happened to catch you napping. Working on figuring out what’s for dinner? Technically work. Working on your golf swing? Through great effort great achievements are possible.

A person with no ulterior motives is going to roll with whatever you say you’re doing, and you’ll have a chill, normal conversation. A person who was hoping for a little fix of building herself up at your expense is going to get frustrated by this, and look for something else to latch onto. This is exactly what happened on that holiday when you had a meeting, right? “Well, at least you get some breaks.” Why not have a little fun with it and see how far she’ll go? If she gets bored and stops doing the annoying thing, you win.

Strategy Two: Meet passive-aggression with aggressive positivity.

Her sub-textual bullying can’t land if you ignore the subtext and engage only with the text of what she said. Is it true that you get more downtime in your workday than she does? Sounds like it. Do you feel insecure about how your schedule compares to hers? It sounds like you don’t, at all, so what happens if you treat her implied insults as if they are something between neutral, accurate observations and sincere compliments?

Her:“Must be nice to have so much free time.”

You: “You’re right, I love having such a flexible schedule!”

Her: “Wow, I could never just take a coffee break in the middle of the workday like that.”

You: “I agree, it is pretty great to be able to pace myself and set my own hours.” 

Her: “Well, *someone* has to work while you’re off [rearranging the furniture][making yourself the occasional beverage][running errands].”

You: “Hahaha, you’re so right! The best part is, if I bang out my work early enough in the day, I get to hit the grocery store in the afternoon when it’s not crowded and I don’t have to go on the weekends when it’s a madhouse in there.” “As you know, freelancing can be pretty all-or-nothing, so after a couple of busy weeks to hit deadlines, it’s really a relief to have some down time to catch up on the routine stuff.”

Be inexorable about turning every dig into sincere appreciation.

Why this works: If she doesn’t intend to be mean (doubtful, but let’s go with it for a second), then you’re just “yes-and”-ing her in a pleasant conversation. If she does intend to put you down, she’s gonna have to work much harder at it, meaning, she’ll either get bored and back off or your Ted Lasso-level positivity will annoy her so much she’ll change tactics to something more aggressive-aggressive where it’s crystal clear that she’s being mean to you on purpose and then you can deal with her on those terms.

Strategy Three: “Are you okay?”

This works best in person where you can see each other’s faces, and like the compliment strategy above, it works best when you wait for there to be an immediate example of the bad behavior rather than trying to discuss the overall dynamic in the abstract. Once she does the thing, pause, look her in the eyes, and maybe put a concerned, gentle hand on hers  and say, “Are you okay?”

Her: “What do you mean?”

You: “I asked if you’re okay.”

Her: “Yes, I heard you, but why?” (or “Of course I’m okay, why would you say that?”)

You: “I dunno, one second you were complaining about how hard you have it at work, which is valid, but then it felt like you were trying to put me down for having a different schedule. Was that your intention when you said [repeat back what she said, including her tone]? Something just feels ‘off’ so I’m asking, are you all right?”

Why this works:  If she’s doing this unconsciously, like it’s just a rote reaction to compare herself to other people to make herself feel better, then you’re calling it out in a direct and gentle way that gives her a chance to catch herself, apologize, and clarify her intentions. And, while I try to be a shoulder angel most of the time, allow me to put the shoulder-mounted devil costume back on for a minute: If she’s being mean on purpose, gently asking if she’s okay is actually a reverse-Uno condescension masterpiece that will drive her up the wall, but you’re not doing anything overtly mean to escalate the situation.

Remember, people have choices about how they treat you. She could say, “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to insult you, I’m just stressed out at work and frankly a little jealous of your ability to have more control over your time.” At which point you could say, “I understand if you need to vent about work sometimes, but can you do it without making little digs about my supposedly cushy life? Whether or not you mean it as a put-down, it feels like one and I’d like you to stop comparing our schedules from now on.”

Or, she could turn this into a bad-faith referendum about how she was “just joking” and the real problem is how you are just “too sensitive,” etc. For that, go back to the strategy of agreeing with negs until you can get the hell out of there. “You’re right, my schedule is better and I do have more free time. That is a problem….how?” “You’re right, I am sensitive when a friend can’t seem to talk about her own problems without making digs at me and my life.” “You’re right, I didn’t get the joke or find it funny! I guess we should probably stop talking about topics where we have such a different view of things.”

Strategy Four: “You’re being really weird about this.” “This is boring, let’s talk about something else!” Also known, broadly speaking, as returning awkwardness to sender.

There’s a very specific kind of bullying attempt that happens when an insecure, toxic person who is heavily invested in a cultural narrative that Following Certain Rules Will Make You Both Happy And Better Than Other People encounters an inexplicably (to them) happy person who stubbornly refuses to follow (or give a shit about) the same rules. I think you might be in a situation where this fits. .

Story Time [with content notes for fatphobic bullying and body stuff]: Long ago in the late nineteen hundreds I worked at a place where there were a ton of white women in our 20s who did roughly the same job. We became friendly, often ate lunch together, and went to happy hour and did fun stuff outside of work together occasionally on weekends. One of them I’ll call “Shelly” was obsessed with two things:

1. Being thin.
2. Getting a boyfriend.

For Shelly, these things were inextricably linked. Boyfriends were achievements that could be unlocked by becoming sufficiently thin, and both of these goals gave her an excuse to practice constant vigilance and constant comparisons to other women. You might wonder what she did when presented with incontrovertible proof that some fat women had boyfriends.They were obviously sluts! She sounds fun, right?

Shelly was not even close to my first ride on the Mean Girl Express, but I’m not a naturally confrontational person and I was actually mostly fine with tuning her crap out in group settings for the sake of hanging out with the coworkers I liked. Unfortunately, Shelly decided that I was meant to be her Sidekick/Fat Best Friend/Punching Bag and started singling me out, and the way she did it was *very* specific:

[A comment on whatever I was eating/wearing] + [A backhanded compliment about how she wished she could be that confident/careless] + [A reminder of how virtuous she was being by comparison] = Me wondering “What the hell just happened?”

“Oh my god, your sandwich looks so yummy! I wish I could have avocado on mine, but they have soooooooo much fat.”

“What a cute outfit! I didn’t know that [Retailer] had pants in bigger sizes now, back when I got mine I had to diet so hard to fit into them. I love your confidence!”

She loved to shop on her lunch breaks, and her favorite way to shop was to go to stores where nothing would fit me besides earrings and have me be an audience while she tried stuff on and she lamented about how fat everything made her look. It only took one of those for me to decide that being alone with her or going to a second location was not for me, so then she started bring bags of her “fat” clothes to the office to see if I wanted any of them before she donated them to charity, knowing full well that they would not fit me. Sometimes my shoulder angel wins, and I say stuff like “Oh, no thank you, but I appreciate the thought!” and sometimes shoulder devil is like “Oh, thanks for thinking of me, but our… tastes… are very different” while I rub the feel of the plastic garbage bag full of pilled acrylic sweaters the color of old mustard off my hands as if I’ve touched something gross and sticky. Don’t remember which shoulder bud was ascendant when, but eventually she did stop trying to foist her cast-offs on me or cajole to “Come on, just try them on!”

The thing with this kind of bully is that they *are* conforming to entrenched cultural narratives, so there is a lot of ambient background support for the idea that they are just striving in a normal way and anyone who doesn’t do the same is the problem. Mine was going all in on fatphobia, and yours is going with rise-and-grind capitalism, but the bargain they think they are making is the same. “I follow the Rules and do things Right, ergo I Deserve to be Happy and Successful!”

If other people manage to be happy and successful on their own terms, without putting themselves through the same hoops, these people find it between mystifying and threatening, depending on how miserable they are at any given moment. What good are the rules they’ve chosen to dedicate themselves to if the people who don’t follow them aren’t punished? You don’t have to openly antagonize them, you just have to exist where they can see you and that’s enough to constitute a personal attack on their way of life. In other words, if it’s possible for you to have a fulfilling career AND free time, then you exist as evidence that maybe the long hours your friend is putting herself through at work are not entirely necessary, and that’s scary for her, so she’s reminding herself of what she’s been taught about how all of this is supposed to work. If she were truly happy and secure with her choices, then she wouldn’t need to sell herself (and you, by proxy) so hard on the notion that her way is the best and only way. 

Like you said, if your friend feels overworked and is genuinely interested in how you pull it off, she could ask you for ideas about transitioning to something with a better schedule. If she were just venting about her situation, you could be a sympathetic ear. But the way she keeps making digs at your life shows that this isn’t about leaning on you for support.

I felt bad for Shelly, because her unhappiness was visible from space, but I flat out did not like her enough to hash any of this shit out. I was never going to convince her in a million years that the things she valued (male attention and having the smallest possible physical mass) were not worth the misery she was inflicting on herself and others. Would she have benefited from being professionally screened for eating disorders, or some other kind of therapy? Probably? Even if I had known such a thing existed, would she have listened to such a recommendation from The Fat Girl Who Embodied All Her Greatest Fears? Nope! I was not a Captain of Awkwardness yet but I did know that I was not causing her to behave like this and that trying to fix mean people is wasted effort. Any attempts to engage her on that level would have ended with her doubling down. But I did successfully get her to start avoiding me and stop talking about diets, etc. all the time by reacting authentically to how incredibly odd her behaviors were and how they made me feel without ever engaging with the substance of the comparisons.

“Wait, did you just mentally count the calories in my sandwich?” :nervous giggle: “Should we….like…go around in a circle so you can compare your lunch with everyone’s, or are we good with just mine?”

“Do you keep a spreadsheet of my clothing sizes somewhere? Can I see it?” :awkward pause: “Or do you do all the math in your head, that’s amazing!” :longer, more awkward pause:

“Oh, we just talked about diets and men yesterday, can today be for finding out about what books everyone’s reading lately? Or, we could talk about boys and books. This dude I went out with the other night brought me a copy of Confederacy of Dunces and said it was his favorite book ever and now I have questions.”

I’m riffing off of remembered vibes here, not recreating actual conversations word for word, and I definitely mixed it up with the turning negs-into-sincere-compliments thing without realizing it was a strategy. She’d give me one of her backhanded compliments, and inside my head, I would be like, wait, she said I was “so confident” but I think she meant it as an insult, but actually, I *am* pretty confident, so, yay for me! “Thanks, Shelly! You look nice, too! What’s everyone reading lately?” She HATED it, which is how I know she was being a bully on purpose. She mistook the fact that I don’t default to Mean Girl mode as a sign that I was incapable of matching her energy, and well, everybody learned some new things that year.

Why this worked: We were surrounded by fellow nice white ladies who were also on perpetual 1990s fat-free diets who did not really “do” open conflict, so they were no help whatsoever, but as long as I kept my tone pretty light there was nothing for them to latch onto except the subject-change-shaped-conversational-life-preservers. Over time, a few people who genuinely liked Shelly and wanted to talk about the same stuff closed ranks, and all the non-miserable folks were set free be lunch buddies with only some diet talk, some of the time.

To implement this with your friend, wait until a conversation where the pattern forms, and then keep your tone very, very relaxed and flat. “Huh, so strange that you keep comparing our schedules even though we do different jobs, what’s that about” (not really a question) and then change the subject. “Are you venting about your work schedule or criticizing mine? I lost track for a minute.” “I love it when you ask me what I’m up to and I think it’s going to be a fun conversation and then you immediately imply that I should be doing work.” “Did my ancestors send you to check up on my degenerate lifestyle again.” You’re not being mean or escalating conflict by calling attention to the conflict.

Strategy Five:  This person is your friend, and ultimately, directness is kindness. “It’s really strange that every time we talk about our schedules, you compare yours to mine in a way that feels insulting. What’s that about?” (actual question) “You keep doing this thing, do you realize? Well, now you know, so are you going to keep doing it?” “I really value our friendship, so I want to address this with you and figure out another way.”

Her answers will tell you everything you need to know about whether this is a friendship worth preserving. Life is too short for frenemies who manufacture excuses to be mean to you.

P.S. If you’ve seen the word “weird” in the news a lot want to talk about Returning Awkwardness To Sender as a political strategy, there’s a post over at Patreon all about that.