User blogs

Dear Captain Awkward,

I need some advice on how to be Switzerland, if that’s even possible. Honestly, I’m mostly just horribly heartstick at how broken my family is because of COVID, and I know that whatever your response may be to this, you’ll be sympathetic to how much Everything Sucks right now.

Here’s the scoop, as succinctly as I can make it. Which isn’t very succinct, ugh, and there’s some nuance and details I’ve had to leave out for the sake of brevity.

So, we’ve got my parents (M&D, she/her, he/him). They’re team COVID Isn’t a Huge Threat for Me, so Therefore it’s Not at All. Not Covid doesn’t exist! microchips in the vaccines!, but they definitely watch too much Fox News. Got the initial vaccine, thank heavens, but are refusing boosters because…I think it’s mostly “we don’t know the long-term effects of the vaccine” and “CDC guidance keeps changing, how can I trust their opinion?” Luckily, they live in a rural area where COVID cases have always been low, and since they abide by basic health-and-safety standards, they’ve stayed healthy and haven’t even had any exposure.

As for me, I like to think I’m Team Unsexy Facts, namely that COVID isn’t the Black Death or the common cold, and people hyping it up/downplaying it to one or the other is extremely damaging. COVID can be serious for some, mild for others. The best way to ensure you’ll be one of the latter and not overwhelm the hospital system is to get vaccinated/boosted. I personally don’t have any additional health risks, so I’ve maintained a social circle and even do things like eat out occasionally, etc., although I wear my mask in public and stay away from crowded bars, etc. I recognize I’m in a privileged position here, and I try to be respectful of people’s respective risk tolerances….which brings me to…

My brother and sister-in-law (SNL, she/her) have two children, a toddler and a baby. They live in a city several hours away from M&D. SNL is on the opposite end of the spectrum from M&D when it comes to politics and thus COVID. To her, if you pass someone in the street and you aren’t wearing a mask, you’ve been exposed to COVID. It is always a terrible, scary disease, and the fact that we don’t have long-term data about it makes it even scarier.

SNL has consistently drawn very hard lines around seeing the children, such as requiring two week, you-can’t-leave-your house quarantines, although she relaxed a little a couple of months ago to “limit social interactions and wear a mask when you go out.” M&D have had a Bad Attitude about it, but complied: They’re butts, but honest ones. But now, since M&D haven’t gotten boosters, SNL refuses to let them visit, even if they agree to quarantine beforehand.

There’s a lot I’m not going into here, but believe me when I say that over the last two years, there’s been some relationship-damaging communication and behavior on both sides, such as SNL deciding that Mom could visit, but not hold the grandchildren, and not telling Mom until she’d arrived and went to hug one of them…and I’m sure my parent’s general Bad Attitude is what’s led to SNL’s trust issues about whether they’re really masking/quarantining.

To my SNL, if the children go outside the bubble, they will probably be exposed to COVID, they will probably catch it, it will probably be severe and will probably have long-term effects. Any risk is too much risk!!!

To M&D, there is no risk, so why is SNL being so paranoid??!!? 

My perspective is: If the children go outside the bubble, there’s a chance they’ll be exposed to COVID, there’s a chance they’ll catch it, there’s a chance it may be severe, and there’s a chance it will have long-term effects. There’s no denying there’s risk. However, both children are perfectly “normal and healthy,” and for such children, two years of data indicates that COVID is no better or worse than the Flu or RSV – which can be dangerous, but most often isn’t. Therefore, the risk is outweighed by the benefits of getting grandchildren socialized and having a relationship with family. Risk vs. Reward.

M&D see only reward and no risk, and my SNL sees nothing but Red-Alert-Risk. Obviously, the twain do not meet. And here I am, stuck in the middle.

A lot of my pissed-off-ness it is at my SNL, but I’m also increasingly pissed at my parents. As unreasonable as my SNL may be, M&D’s Bad Attitude makes every.single.thing harder than it needs to be. For example, they could solve a lot of problems instantly by just getting the damn booster. But, ironically, they’re using the same logic my SNL is using: “There are some questions about long-term outcomes. And any risk is too much risk!”

I don’t talk with my SNL much, but, when I do, it’s becoming harder and harder to just nod and smile when she starts talking about COVID precautions. With my parents, I’m in the uncomfortable position of agreeing with them that SNL is being a butt, but having to also try to point out that they’re being butts too. And it’s been this way for two.bleeping.years., and I am tired.

How do I deal?

Sincerely,

Probably-Being-A-Butt-Too

Hello, Probable Butt,

I’ve preserved your email subject line as the headline, “Family being opposite but equal butts about COVID – How do I maintain sanity?” It’s part of a through-line of treating both sides as if they are equally wrong/annoying/unreasonable in your letter, and I’m sure it feels to you like everyone is being equally unreasonable/annoying, but I would argue that the two sides are not the same, and treating them as equal value propositions is very much part of the problem.

From your letter: “My perspective is: If the children go outside the bubble, there’s a chance they’ll be exposed to COVID, there’s a chance they’ll catch it, there’s a chance it may be severe, and there’s a chance it will have long-term effects. There’s no denying there’s risk. However, both children are perfectly “normal and healthy,” and for such children, two years of data indicates that COVID is no better or worse than the Flu or RSV – which can be dangerous, but most often isn’t. Therefore, the risk is outweighed by the benefits of getting grandchildren socialized and having a relationship with family. Risk vs. Reward.” 

I’m very glad that you have found a way to have a social life and manage your own risks in a way that feels sustainable for you. That is not an easy thing to do, especially as the variants keep changing the risk landscape. But you’re not going to be able to apply your own decision-making to what your brother and your sister-in-law should be doing or how they should feel about it. Statistics about sick and dying kids include plenty of real, actual kids; “but it was statistically unlikelyyyyyyyyyy!” doesn’t mean shit if your kid is one of them.

Your brother and sister-in-law are caring for children who are too young to be vaccinated yet. Plus, even if it were theoretically possible to ensure robust compliance, masks are not recommended for kids under two years old. That’s two lines of defense that are available to you –gone. This means that your niblings’ lives depend a whole lot on other people making safe choices, and that means your brother and his wife have a completely different risk calculus than you do. Look around. Do you see large groups of people making good choices that prioritize protecting society’s most vulnerable people? Do you see institutions trumpeting the importance of protecting vulnerable people and doing all they can to make protecting them as easy/seamless/safe/automatic as possible? Because this expendable walking sack of co-morbidities is…not…seeing that.

The pandemic is a shitshow and people’s tolerance and endurance is deteroriating, so yes, you all have my sympathies. I believe you that some of your sister-in-law’s fears *may* come across as paranoia, and I believe you that that you find her generally draining or have reached the end of your patience. But again, her children are too young to be vaccinated, they can’t wear masks, and their lives depend on the adults around them making safe choices. Your parents are individuals, true, but they are also part of a giant, screaming pattern of people and institutions dismissing and minimizing caution when it gets in the way of what they want. (While we’re here, remember when all those smug assholes in the spring wrote think-pieces about how we were “addicted to the pandemic” if high-risk people kept wearing masks and being generally cautious about indoor socializing even though vaccines were available? I’m not an epidemiologist but I suspect “lol at your pointless caution in defense of your own life” isn’t the ‘gotcha’ they were going for.)

Right now, especially with Omicron surging, everywhere your sister-in-law takes those kids, every time someone outside the bubble crosses the threshold of her home, she’s got to run a calculus around who is reliable about vaccination and masking, who will test, will there even be tests, who would be honest and actually stay home if they felt sick, is this a worthwhile risk given other risks from going to work/buying groceries/having home repairs done/going about the non-optional parts of daily life. All of the pre-pandemic things she could safely and enjoyably do to handle life stuff and get the kids more social interaction, like having Gam-Gam and Pee-Paw come over, putting the kids in daycare, having playdates,  having grownup friends over to hang with the kids and have some adult conversation after bedtime, or hiring babysitters so she and your brother can get a break, all of that is GONE unless she’s willing to say “fuck it, might as well get COVID!” or unless she’s very, very careful about who she trusts.

Nothing is without risk, true, so then it becomes about controlling what you can control. One thing she can control is who comes to see the kids and what her rules are about that. And any cost-benefit analysis about having the grandparents over has to account for:

• Can your sister-in-law trust these specific people to do whatever is in their power to minimize the risk that they’ll expose her, your brother, and the kids to COVID-19?  Until they get the booster, at very least, that’s a flat no.
• Re: “bad attitudes,” can your sister-in-law trust your parents to actually respect her house rules and protocols without being giant assholes about it and making her have to monitor and remind them, justify, and fight for every single inch, and submit to being treated like she’s a bigger problem than a deadly infectious disease? That also sounds like…no.
• Does being around your parents add a major stressor to your sister-in-law’s life right now? I’m betting on yes.

But “grandparents”! But “family connections!” But also, increased risk of BOTH serious illness AND of having an extremely unpleasant time! Sounds fun! That time your mom visited and the rule was “You can come over but surprise! No hugs!”  clearly backfired, and it would have been better to spell out the rules beforehand, but in that case, the obvious default  is still, “Don’t like my rules, don’t visit us.”  Having one thing backfire doesn’t erase the ongoing need for caution or make your sister-in-law “just as wrong” as your parents.

So where does this leave you, trying to be Switzerland?

First, I would suggest getting out/staying out of the role of mediator/messenger as much as possible. “That sounds like a question for sister-in-law and brother.” “Have you told the parents what you’re telling me?”  “I hope you work out a safe way to get together soon!” “Hmmm, their house, their rules, sounds like.” It’s okay to cut conversations much shorter for your own sanity and stop being the clearinghouse where everyone comes to vent. The more everybody vents about it, and the more everybody gets the message that both sides are just as bad, the more entrenched everyone will get, and the less peace you’ll have.

Speaking of, second recommendation is drop the “both sides are equally bad” nonsense.

If your parents want to see their grandkids, they have choices. They could get the damn jab already. They could collaborate with their son and daughter-in-law about visits and ask what precautions would make everybody most comfortable in advance, so there are no more “no hugs” surprises. They could stop treating their daughter-in-law like an unreasonable B-word and be real and empathetic about how fucking terrifying it must be to be a parent right now. When she says something is too risky, instead of dismissing it automatically, they could say, “Well, we want to see you and the kids, so what can we do to make it possible?”  “What can we do to support you and keep everyone safe?” “Is there anything we can do to ease your mind or make this all easier for you?” “If visits are on hold for now, what are other ways to stay connected?” Video chats, video story time, and mailed toddler artwork all still exist, even if everybody’s sick of them

If you want to talk to your parents about it, tell them that it’s possible to think somebody is being overly cautious and still adhere to their house rules, so do they want to visit or not? “Sibling and sister-in-law are in charge of who sees the kids and when, so what’s the worst that happens if you do as they ask?” “She’s been pretty clear that nothing’s happening until the two of you get the booster, so probably start there! :shrug: I gotta go, love you, talk soon.” 

If you’re exhausted with hearing your sister-in-law’s pronouncements of doom, it’s okay to disengage a bit, but I would stop treating her like she’s “just as bad” as your parents and err more on the side of validating her feelings and emphasizing her agency in the face of the anxiety. “There’s too much information and not enough at the same time, it must be maddening as a parent to try to process all of it.” “That must feel awful. What do you think you’ll do?” “If I want to hang out with the niblings, what do you need from me to make that happen?” “Is there something I could do to make this a little easier for you?”  You don’t have to fully agree with her about everything to do this, you can say “That hasn’t been my experience/that’s not my understanding of how that works, but what do you think you’ll do about it?”  as a way to redirect her when you think she’s spiraling. You don’t have to try to play it cool or be smooth. “SNLname, I hear you, but I’ve already used up all my Pandemic Worry this week. But I am glad to hear from you, so tell me,  what are you and Brother making for dinner? Are you reading or watching anything good?” 

I hope your family can all get on Team “Let’s Try Our Goddamn Absolute Best To Not Give The Grandkids A Preventable Illness” sooner rather than later. Comments are even more off than usual, but I do want to share two resources that I’ve found helpful/reassuring:

• One is this piece by Rachel Wilkerson Miller on how to prepare for possibly catching COVID -19 this winter. I feel like there is a dearth of “what to actually do if you get sick” advice, and this helped me think through things in a logical way.
• The other is Erin Kissane’s newly-launched Calm Covid newsletter. It’s ugly out there, but it helps me to read facts without catastrophizing.

I’m wishing everyone maximum safety and minimum arguing with people who are being butts out there. Remember, the mask goes OVER the nose.

Hello! 

This is a bit complex, but I’ll try to be as succinct as possible. 

A particular relationship (or rather, a lack thereof) has been paining me for years. 

I (36 F) met L (55 M) almost 10 years ago when I was bartending. He was a regular, and while I found him very attractive, A: he was married (albeit lengthily and unhappily, which was known to the other regulars) and B: I have a lot of insecurity about my appearance and didn’t think he’d be attracted to me. One night my shift relief didn’t come in on time, causing me to miss a ride to an event with friends. When my relief did show up he offered to give me a ride. In a turn of events that surprised me we wound up hooking up that night. 

I was in a terribly position financially and in regards to living arrangements and he helped me multiple times without my asking him for anything, and didn’t hold his help over my head. We continued to hook up with the understanding that it wouldn’t lead to anything, but I fell for him, as one does. 

I confessed my feelings to him and he confessed similar feelings for me, but said that he didn’t see how divorce was possible for him at the time (he and the wife share 2 children who were both going through a considerable amount and relied heavily on both parents for support.) 

This hurt me deeply, but I accepted it and eventually started seeing another man (33 M) whom we’ll call P. I’d been very honest with P about my feelings for L, and that being in a serious relationship wasn’t in the cards as long as those feelings were present. P managed to convince me that L wasn’t genuine and that I’d be better off with him. Wanting very much to be wanted, I began a relationship with P that wound up being incredibly toxic and abusive. It lasted for about 6 years, and abandoned communicating with L at Ps request. 

Eventually the relationship with P imploded and I reconnected with L in 2018. All of the old feelings were still there, and though we now lived 4 hours apart, we met up several times and stayed overnight at hotels together. Though we cared deeply for each other, L was concerned that I lived too far away for a relationship to work. 

At the end of 2020, I made the move north that I thought would be better for my job prospects as well as possibly make some headway with L. I was very surprised upon moving that he was seeing someone. According to him, he never thought I’d make the move. We stopped talking for several weeks, but wound up texting again after that relationship failed for him. After a lot of texting and a few outings to lunch, we slept together several more times. 

Throughout all of this, I’ve been plagued endlessly by abandonment issues, impatience, and longing for this very cautious man whom I’ve loved for almost a decade at this point. In anger I’ve pushed him away repeatedly, only to text back during lonely periods. I very recently blew up on him via text, demanding an answer. Eventually he informed me that while he had feelings for me, he couldn’t abide being repeatedly pushed away and is now “trying to live peacefully.” 

I’ve accepted that as best I can and am continuing my therapy for various mental health issues. 

Recently, another blow was dealt in that he’s recently been diagnosed with what is probably a brain tumor and I’m in absolute shreds over this. 

What do I do? 

Sincerely, 

At A Loss 

Dear At A Loss,

Between you, me, and the Internet I can admit that there have been times when I was low and lonely and somebody came along who was a) absolutely a bad idea on every possible indicator level and b) seemed like the only human capable of making me feel like a living, breathing person in a moment when I really needed that. Alas, I’m not a stranger to the “relationship” that’s  intoxicating and perfect as long as nobody else knows about it, as long as nobody actually needs anything from it, and as long as it touches the space-time continuum and normal, functional, daily life as seldom as possible. So please know, I”m not judging your grief or the longings that led you here. You were lost, and L. made you feel like you were found, and nobody else had ever done that in quite that way before, so you told yourself that driving several hours to fuck in a hotel room, or staying loyal to him even while you were involved with other people, or, at long last, moving across state lines for him was the kind of grand gesture that would add up to a future together. You could love him so much that it would constitute a form of proof. 

But other people don’t work that way. Your feelings were so deep and true that you didn’t notice or found ways to ignore how consistently this guy told you, “This is all there is or will ever be” between meeting now and then for sex/lunch. It’s not that he never had feelings for you, but I think that there’s always been a “but” if you’d only listen to the end of the sentence:

• “…I’m married and not getting a divorce because the kids need me.” 
• “…I”m seeing someone else.” /”…I never thought you’d move here.”  It’s unclear whether L. was still married AND seeing someone else on the side when you rolled into town, but, let’s be real. It’s far from impossible.
• “…I just want to live peacefully.” (i.e. “I didn’t expect you to actually need and depend on me” “I’ve considered your ultimatum and I guess the answer is ‘no’.” “Whoa, sorry, still not leaving my wife, especially now that I’ll need someone to do the hardcore care-taking!”) 
•  Consider that the night you first hooked up was a surprise to you, but I highly doubt it was much of surprise to the 45-year-old married barfly who pounced the second you were in a vulnerable place.

The tumor is a cruel twist, but maybe it’s also a giant, flaming arrow pointing in the direction of “It’s long past time for you to grieve this man like he died and start getting on with the rest of your life.”

As for how to do that, you already know: Keep going to therapy. Delete his number and block or otherwise shut down any of the ways he can get in touch with you. Start locking your phone in a time-safe at night or other vulnerable times so you won’t be tempted to text him. Pour your feelings into a journal and letters that you don’t send. Find ways to be nice to yourself. Sing all the sad songs at the top of your lungs. Keep your Asshole Detector polished and sharp so you’re not tempted by the next troubled, unavailable dude who crosses your path. Repeat after me: “Unhappily married” unfaithful men are married men, not boyfriend material. They all have a story about why they are different and special, and when you’re 26 (like you were when you first met L.) they can sound very compelling, but the older you get the more you’ll realize that all the stories sound exactly the same: “I would like to have sex with you, and I have Very Good Reasons for why nothing is ever my fault.” 

Mourn L., yes, but as a way to being done with him. The feelings will have their say awhile yet, but this limbo of “what do I do?” ends the second you accept what’s already happening, the second you take L. at his word that he doesn’t want to actually build anything with you.. He wasn’t the one for you. You can say for sure that you tried everything. Stop trying. Lay down this project where you fix him or fix the situation somehow. You name yourself “At a Loss,” but it’s past time to cut your losses.

I truly don’t know where people like this come from, and I don’t know where they go once they pass through our lives, I’ve never had the fortitude to follow the wake of destruction back to the source when it’s me digging out of the rubble. Do they go back to the shitty marriages they complained about constantly? Back to sending secret sexts to their latest dopamine supply? Do they eventually get therapists of their own and realize, “wait, I was being a giant piece of shit, I’ll definitely stop that!” or do they just serially hit on all the junior staff and everyone in their AA meetings, world without end? I don’t know what justice looks like here, even as I convert my own past follies into cautionary tales.

Letter Writer, I predict that if you do the work to get L. out of your system, if you cut your losses and truly let time heal that part of you, there’s a future for you on the other side of all this where some pathetic married geezer will attempt to put the moves on you or some younger version of you out where you can see, and you’ll throw your head back and just fucking CACKLE at his audacity. “Oh, did you mistake this for free marriage counseling? Surely you weren’t whining about your wife and kids as a seduction technique?”  The other ladies around the bar will have a good laugh together, and you’ll all make sure everybody has a safe ride home, while he slinks off into the night with howls of derision ringing in his ears. When it happens, pour one out for L., it will be a tribute as good as any stone or marker.

Dear Captain Awkward,

My mom passed away when I was quite young. In the years that followed, my relationship with my dad disintegrated.

While I’m sure I’m not blameless in that disintegration, it was overall pretty one-sided. Before my mom passed, he refused to talk to me on the phone once I’d moved away, citing that he had “nothing to say.” After she died, I heard from him less and less.

There were a few years of contact after he remarried: he invited me and my ex husband to visit him at his winter home a few times, and a twice I stayed at his home (across the country from mine, quite a trip to make), once for the purpose of work, and once attend a friend’s wedding. Both times, he left me alone in his home for multiple days while he left to visit friends, or to travel to his winter home. To clarify: both times I spent more than half of my stay alone, after I had specifically taken an extended period of time off with the intention of visiting with him, which I communicated to him about in the months leading up to my visits.

In the time since his wedding, he has more or less stopped calling me or sending cards on important days. He has done the same with my brothers, who live in the same city as he does, choosing instead to spend his time with his new wife, and with her children and grandchildren. When my ex husband and I separated, I told him in advance that I needed him to be there for me, even if just for five minutes, on one especially hard day. He reluctantly agreed, but then texted me day-of to say that he had a Christmas party, so wouldn’t have time to take a call. I have since stopped reaching out to him entirely, and as result we barely talk.

It has been ten years since my mother passed, and my current partner and I are planning to be married. Is there any way that I can reasonably ask my dad about my mom’s wedding rings? I have desired them since her passing (she and I were very close), but did’t dare ask sooner because I thought it would be disrespectful to him and to his grief. He now seems to be happily moved on– remarried, and invested in his new family. If I sound bitter, it’s because I am, but I still want to be respectful, and further am worried that my asking will allow him to somehow spin a story about me a greedy daughter (rather than as the daughter he abandoned, but who misses her mother). Please help.

Hello, thank you for your question.

I don’t think this is an unreasonable request at all, and I suggest that you just go right to it:

“Hello Dad, if you are still holding onto any of Mom’s jewelry, especially her rings, can I please have it? It would mean a lot to me. You can send it to [address] or I can have [Brother*] pick it up.Thank you.”   

[*I normally do not encourage people to delegate difficult family stuff to others, but in this case, if you think a trusted sibling would be willing to do this for you, then yes! Recruit a local to solve the “Dad said yes but never actually sent it” stage of this problem!]

Don’t assume anything about what his reaction will be or try to manage it, and don’t loop through past disputes. Ask for what you want, present tense, and give him the opportunity to rise to the occasion. This is a kindness to both you and your dad.

If the wedding ring got buried with her, or he doesn’t want to part with it for sentimental reasons, he’s got access to the same 26-letter alphabet that you do and can tell you so in words. “I’m so sorry, I’d really like to hold onto it.” You’d be sad, but at least you’d know for sure, and the problem of approaching him wouldn’t be hanging over you anymore. Maybe a good thing to do before you ask is to pick out a plan B ring that you love, so it will be slightly less fraught.

As you fear, your dad may be affronted and spin some story about you being a “greedy” daughter and you can be like, you know what, I am greedy, GREEDY FOR KINDNESS, thanks for sending those rings, I’d like them by [date] and I can reimburse you for the shipping. If he gets accusatory or insults you, my bet would be that he lost it or already gave it all away to his new family and feels guilty, so he’s taking it out on you. Fun thought! Not actually fun! But totally in character! If he reacts badly, it won’t be because you asked wrong or weren’t supposed to ask. Can him thinking of badly of you compare to how badly you already think of him? The dad who ditched his kids when their other parent died is hardly in charge of defining “selfishness” for other people.

On the plus side, he may also just go ahead and send the jewelry on without a second thought or word. He’s been totally avoidant and absent from your life since your mom passed, so if he can get rid of stuff that he doesn’t use or want to think about without having to have a conversation about feelings, that would also be in character. This is not a man who runs toward the difficult conversations! It’s sad and painful given what you needed from him, but in this case his reticence might not be the worst thing.

No matter the possible reactions, I think the best way to ask is to keep it extremely simple and direct and omit apologies that you don’t owe and reasons that he won’t care about. Does he still have the jewelry? Can you have it? When/how is the easiest way for you to collect it? Thanks so much.

I’m sorry about your mom, anniversaries can be really tough. Congratulations to you on your upcoming marriage.

The post Our $40K LGBTQ+ Warm and Intentional Wedding in Austin, TX appeared first on A Practical Wedding: Wedding Planning, Inspiration, and Ideas.