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Dear Captain Awkward,

I (she/her) am getting married to my partner of seven years (he/him) in a few months. Yay!
My question is about our mutual friend Sam (they/them).  I’ve been friends with Sam for over 10 years (we were close in college and for a few years after, we’ve seen each other less lately but that seems to be the way of most of my friendships.)  Sam is also my fiancés ex. They dated for almost three years before we met.  Their breakup was amicable, they’re on good terms, and Sam was the one who introduced me to my fiancé.  Sam’s in a happy relationship with someone else now.

Sam expects to be invited to the wedding (which is reasonable, we’re all friends).  My fiancé doesn’t want his ex there (which is also reasonable, that was his first serious relationship and if Sam’s going to dredge up feelings he’d rather not deal with on his wedding day, he shouldn’t have to.)

I’ve talked to my fiancé about it, and we think the solution that would make everyone happiest is if I JUST invite Sam to my bachelorette party (which will be fun, I’m planning a multi-day celebration with a lot of my college friends).  But… I don’t know how to tell Sam. I am sure they would be hurt to hear that fiancé doesn’t want them at the wedding, but what else can I tell them?  Blame it on a very superstitious relative?  Tell Sam we eloped, and hope no one else mentions the wedding at the bachelorette party?  Manipulate someone in Sam’s family into getting married on the exact same day, so that Sam has to go to that wedding instead?
I’m tempted to just do nothing (and hope I never run into Sam ever again in my life), but Sam would also be hurt when they see the pictures on Facebook later and infer they weren’t invited, so I’m really just trying to avoid an awkward conversation.  Which is why I need you, Captain!  How do I even deliver that kind of invitation?  What do I say?

Additional context: the wedding is in a different part of the country.  Recently, Sam announced that they’ve accepted a new job and will be moving to that part of the country. They’ll be living there when the wedding happens, so I can’t use travel/logistics as an excuse why they’re not invited.  So, either way, I’m expecting my friendship with Sam to grow more distant, but I’d feel better if we left things off with a fun celebration instead of an awkward cold shoulder.
Help me, Captain!

Awkward Bride

Dear Awkward Bride,

Congratulations on your impending marriage. Unfortunately, I think your fiancé is being a coward and putting you in a terrible position, and I am very cross with him on your behalf as well as Sam’s. I also have questions about your definition of the word “reasonable.”

Look, you and your fiancé can invite anybody you want to your wedding, and you can trim or expand your guest list for any reason you want. In most cases, I’d also advise you to be a united front about this stuff (“We decided…”) rather than let one person shoulder the blame. Other people don’t have to like or agree with your decisions, so you need to accept that it may hurt their feelings and alter your relationship with them if they are excluded. But ultimately, it is your call, and my advice doesn’t change that.

Still, I have to wonder: If Sam, who introduced you both to the loves of your lives, the loyal friend who has carried no torches and caused no issues for more than a decade, can’t dance at your wedding, then who is invited to this party? Everybody else you know in common going back to your college years together, right? That’s who-all will be at the hen do, that’s who you worry will spill the beans across social media and torpedo any pretense that it was a small ceremony with only blood relatives.

Of course Sam “reasonably” expects to be invited to your wedding, because they reasonably want to celebrate with you, just like all of your other friends who love you and want you to be happy. And they “reasonably” expect to not be the only person from that period of your life who is left out.

I’m sure your fiancé must have his reasons for this sudden insistence on banishing the longtime friend who brought you together from the wedding feast, but if those reasons are so reasonable, why would he expect you to deliver the bad news instead of calling Sam up himself like a fucking adult? “Given our history as exes, I’d prefer you not be at the wedding. But I know Awkward Bride would really love to have you at her big weekend away with the college gang if you’re up for it.” Boom. Handled.

That would not be a fun conversation for anyone, but it would at least be honest. Sam could stop checking the mail for an invitation that’s never coming and make an informed decision about what kind of friendship they want with you going forward. And, while I’m sure your bachelorette party will be very nice, it would probably be a relief if everyone could stop pretending that Sam would jump at the chance to travel at their own expense to a multi-day affair to pre-game for a different party they have just been disinvited from in their own back yard. In fact, I can think of only one reason Sam would ever show up at that thing, and it’s not because it’s “the solution that would make everyone happiest” or to “(leave) things off with a fun celebration instead of an awkward cold shoulder” (like a “fun” funeral, but for friendship!) It would be to look you in the face and ask, “Who are you and what did you do with my friend, Awkward Bride?” and “Why?” Did Sam do something wrong? Have they been misreading everything about the past ten years?

I think all of the flailing in your letter about wanting to never see Sam again, wanting to keep your wedding a secret from them, and wanting this whole thing to magically disappear to avoid an awkward conversation is because you are ashamed. Either you don’t know the answer to “Why?” or you do know, and the answer sucks so bad that you would rather never see this person again than say it out loud.

Something stinks here. And I think it stinks so bad that you are on the verge of throwing away an important friendship — your friendship with Sam, not his —and abrogating your own ethics and better judgment into the bargain, rather than demand an honest explanation from your fiancé or insist that he do his own dirty work. So here is a script for that conversation:

“Fiancé, come on, what is this really about? I get that you’re worried about having ‘an ex’ around on your wedding day, or, at least I’m trying to, but this is Sam we’re talking about. Sam, who introduced us to each other. Sam, who is my friend as much as yours. Sam, who will be happier for us than anybody in the world. So what aren’t you telling me?”

No matter how much we might wish it in less amicable circumstances, the people we used to love do not crumble to dust when we are done with them. We either go our separate ways, or we learn to become something else to each other. Your fiancé and Sam have at least ten years of uneventful “something else” under their belts, so what is your fiancé so afraid of now? What are all these “complicated feelings” that are suddenly emerging? Is he secretly having an affair with Sam? Is he worried that he’ll leave you at the altar and run off with Sam into the night, like the ending of The Graduate? Perhaps he fears Sam will stand up during the “speak now or forever hold your peace” bit and reveal the existence of a secret Attic Wife?

Is he worried about being faced with evidence that he has been in love more than once (as have you, almost certainly) and it all turned out …fine? Better than fine? “Oh yeah, we dated a million years ago, and then they introduced me to Awkward Bride. How great is that?” Are we all pretending to be virgins until the wedding night now? Seems a little late for that. But these feelings must be a pretty big deal, though, so you’d probably better unpack them before you tie the knot!

Or, I hate to even think this, but is this all happening because your fiancé’s family might remember someone called “Samantha” who used different pronouns once upon a time, and he doesn’t want the bigots in his family to have to contemplate the singular they for a singular day in relation to their totally heterosexual adult son? Because if so, that’s an even worse reason for all of this. “We support trans rights and trans people! Some of our best friends…etc.! Just, not at our wedding.” Wouldn’t want things to be awkward, right?

Just, on a strictly practical level, what does your fiancé imagine will happen if Sam attends the main event? Sam and any plus one they bring are pretty much going to don their gay apparel, eat dinner, bring you both a nice present, catch up with their college friends, and form part of the blur of well-wishers toasting your future. Whereas, if you don’t invite Sam, given how many of the other guests know them and their role in your origin story as a couple, how many of the conversations will be about Sam? “Where’s Sam?” “Wait, didn’t Sam introduce you two?” “I thought Sam was going to be here!” “Didn’t Sam just move to the next town over?” “How’s Sam doing?” “Is Sam okay? Could they not make it?” “Wait, you really didn’t invite Sam? Why on earth not?”

Truly, if you were trying to design a course of action that gives Sam and your fiancé’s ancient history maximum power to loom over the occasion while also maximally hurting Sam’s feelings (and potentially coddling hateful in-laws ) this seems like how to accomplish that worst of all possible worlds. It wouldn’t be like those old stories about being cursed by the bad fairy who wasn’t invited to the feast. You’d be your own bad fairies.

In the end, if your fiancé’s heart is really set on excluding Sam, then he owes you a real explanation before you decide anything. And he definitely owes you the courtesy of breaking the news and handling any fallout his own damn self. After he does his bit, then I guess you could reach out and say, “Sam, I’m so sorry. I don’t get it but I’m trying to respect fiancé’s wishes, but I truly want you to come to my party if you are willing to come.” Not out of guilt or to avoid awkwardness, but because Sam is your friend and your friendship is about more than this one day and about more than one dude’s discomfort.

One more thing while I have you, think of it as a wedding gift. You mentioned that you’d seen Sam less in recent years, and “that seems to be the way of most of my friendships.” You also say, “So, either way, I’m expecting my friendship with Sam to grow more distant.”

Not all friendships last forever, and that’s not always a bad thing. We outgrow each other, we drift apart, we move away, our lives go in different directions as we get absorbed in marriages, careers, caring for elders or raising kids, and eventually the glue of proximity and being young together isn’t enough to hold relationships together without sustained, intentional effort. But it doesn’t have to be like that. Whatever you decide about Sam, Awkward Bride, I implore you to fight for your friendships and treasure them as much as you treasure your marriage. Love your husband, but do not accept his limitations as your own and do not accept a future where your friendships just fade into the background because you’re married now. Life is always both shorter and longer than we imagine. If you are very lucky, there will be decades of your life when long phone calls, letters, and annual weekends away to bask in the laughter of friends who knew you way back when will be the most healing, magical, necessary parts of your life. Your wedding (and associated celebrations) can be just one loop in that long chain of good times ahead if you let it. That old campfire song didn’t lie: Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver, and the other’s gold. Stay gold, Awkward Bride. I hope you stay gold.

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Hello Captain!

First, I’d like to thank you for all the work you do on this blog. You rock!

I’m coming to you with a problem I haven’t seen discussed here before. Six years ago, I started dancing. It’s been my biggest passion and lifeline during this time, and I experimented with many styles, which meant taking classes with different people. I’ve gradually dropped out of all of them for many reasons, and now I mostly dance socially.

One of the reasons for dropping out of one class in particular was that I didn’t like the teacher’s (I’ll call her A) approach/teaching style. In class, I was often confused and very stressed, to the point where I wasn’t able to dance anymore because my body got too tense. It seemed to be a personal thing, other people enjoyed the same classes.I had at least two long breaks (over half a year, I think), and when I returned, she asked why I stopped coming, to which I said I didn’t have time and I hope I’ll be able to attend more consistently (which was partially true, I was busy). I was asked about that multiple times. A’s groups are super small, so my individual decision might result in closing the group because there’s 1-2 people left, so I get why she wanted to know, but I still found it harder to come back when I felt more pressure.

As I progressed more generally as a dancer, it got more awkward. This specific dance is particularly challenging for me, but I practiced at home, went to festivals and workshops, experienced different teaching styles – and it started to look more like she’s just not a very good teacher. She often couldn’t explain parts of her own choreography, or answer which body part is leading a move (which is a very basic thing as a dance teacher). In one case, I found out what she taught was plain incorrect – I’ve found a lot of class recaps and performances from reliable sources that showed that it was inaccurate (it is a traditional dance from a culture very different than mine and A’s, and I really want to be respectful and not mix things/traditions/dances up). I stopped buying the monthly pass. This was pre-COVID, I think, and I don’t remember if I gave her a heads up. The studio moved since then, and I’m not planning to search for the new location.

I still see A at bigger events in our city. The topic of her class almost always comes up in some form, but even when it’s a casual and friendly mention, I don’t know what to say without being rude. I feel that it’s not appropriate or needed to tell her that I don’t want to return, and even less to give reasons. But I’m terrible at lying or making excuses, and I also hate doing that. She’s also a nice person I’d like to interact with in a friendly way. Fortunately, there are other, much more experienced teachers in my city.

Bonus: yesterday I met a person who comes from the culture the dance(s) originated from, I had a free open class with them and they’re great, and I got their contact info! Yay! Then I scrolled through their reels on social media to see some of their choreographies, and in the background, I saw A. She’s in the more traditional course, I want to take the more modern one, but still, I’m sure we’ll walk into each other at some point, and it’s going to be super awkward. Even more so because I stopped coming to A’s class when the studio was really close to where I live, and this place is much further away.

Could you please suggest some way to handle it when I inevitably run into A at the new place?

Sincerely,

I Bet My Face Is Giving It All Away (he/they)

Dear My Face Is Giving It All Away,

Thank you for the question and the kind words!

You have nothing to be ashamed of here and your former teacher should not hound you about coming to classes with her again. It’s been what, three years? Four? Students move on for all kinds of reasons, as you clearly have, and at a certain point students progress to the point that they become peers more than anything else, as you have. If you were enthusiastic about returning to study with her, you’d let her know. For everyone’s sake, her own most of all, I hope she will leave it alone. Taking a student’s disengagement as a personal rejection and demanding accountability is not a great practice for anyone who wants to teach. If the reason is not personal (which it usually isn’t), it makes things super-awkward, and if it is personal having that confirmed for sure does not tend to improve anything.

That said, she’s not being weird by mentioning the context that you know her from and updating you on how things are going there when she runs into you now. That is a thing you have in common, not necessarily a high-pressure sales tactic. And back then, she was not necessarily being weird by wanting to know what it would take to get you to come back to class or taking you at your word that it was a matter of scheduling. In her way, she was saying that you were one of the students who made her work worthwhile and trying to accommodate you to the max. She could probably tell that there was something you weren’t saying and wanted to know what it was, and she didn’t have a structure in place for handling student feedback (which is not uncommon, especially in informal teaching spaces). She shouldn’t have harped on it the way she did, and it wasn’t your responsibility to make sure her classes had the number to run. I can see why you felt pressured (and why that made you even less likely to return), but maybe it would help to look at your future interactions with her as a fresh start for everyone. As much as you’ve progressed as a dancer in the past few years, maybe she’s progressed as a teacher. There was enough interest to sustain her studio without you, she’s clearly seeking out the same kind of instruction that worked so well for you in order to improve her skill set, and that’s a good thing, right? It doesn’t hurt anyone to be hopeful here.

In your shoes, I’d greet her pleasantly (“So nice to see you!” etc.) and then participate in classes and events as you usually would. Be pleasant the way you would with any fellow student/dancer/peer. Don’t bring up her studio, the move, or the new location or anything that might make it seem like you are curious about the new setup as a potential student. If she does bring it up in passing, say something like, “I hope that’s all going well!” and try to keep it moving. Note the lack of question marks. The key is, don’t assume that a mention of her new studio is an automatic attempt to sell you on going there unless she puts that into words. She is a pleasant acquaintance updating you on how her life is going until proven otherwise. Unless you hear the words, “So when are you coming back for some classes?” out of her mouth, treat it as making conversation, and respond in kind. Has she read any good books lately? Is she taking any fun summer road trips? Has she run into any of the students from back in the classes you took with her? Oh yeah, what are they up to?

This is a tactic that anyone could use in the face of someone who seems to be dropping loaded hints (but who isn’t picking up on any of your “back off” hints): DON’T TAKE THE HINTS. Don’t fill in the blanks for them. Don’t react based on what you assume they want, react to what they say and do and only that. If your former teacher has a sales pitch ready, then she can deliver it. If she is truly just making conversation or trying to feel you out about things, reacting as if she is trying to shove dance classes with her down your throat will seem like a massive overreaction. You know this lady does tend to pressure you in a way that makes you uncomfortable, so you’re not unfair if you’re a little on edge, but if she’s going to try this make her work for it this time instead of disappearing from a thing you love without a fight.

If and when she asks you about coming back to study with her, here is something you could say that is both honest and kind: “Thank you so much for thinking of me, but no thank you. I’m all set for instruction, but glad to see you on the dance floor at [events/classes like this one].” Do not mention your schedule, the timing, the drive to her new location. Do not provide reasons at all! This is what got you into trouble in the first place with a person who audited your reasons for problems she could solve instead of paying attention to the giant “NO, THANK YOU” in the middle.

If she pushes after that, she is identifying herself as A Problem, and you don’t owe her anything. LADY, IDK WHAT TO TELL YOU, A LOT OF SHIT HAPPENED, DID YOU SEE THE LAST THREE YEARS OR WHAT? If you want to stay constructive and honest, try something like, “A., I’ve just said that I’m not interested in returning to lessons with you. Why would you keep pushing me about that?” If she demands to know why, you could say, “After I left [A.’s former studio], I was able to find instruction that was a better match for both my schedule and my learning style. I respect you as a fellow dancer, but I truly have no interest in returning as your student and I’d like you to drop it now so that we can just dance together.” While your detailed critiques of her teaching style are valid and potentially useful, they are a) three years out of date b) not useful if extracted under pressure. If she were interested in student feedback about that there are way more constructive ways to approach that and it’s not your responsibility to create those ways.

If she drops it, resume being pleasant. The message was received. If she doesn’t drop it, keep right on dancing. You aren’t the one who made it weird and you shouldn’t have to skulk around the edges of a community that brings you joy just because she did.