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I thought it would be nice to just answer a question without having to consider everything I think about the entire topic as part of a book chapter. I seem to recall that we all enjoyed this very much once upon a time! Hello!
Dear Captain Awkward,
I would like your perspective about my relationship and am curious if this is as good as it gets? Does everyone settle a little in relationships?
I’m 39 (she/hers) divorced mom of an 11 year old daughter (she/her), dating a boyfriend (he/him) for 18 months. It started out long distance and 6 months ago he moved to my city so we could be closer together (halfway across country). He is empathetic, kind, respectful and loving — all things I have not had in previous relationships. The sex is usually good, although we are mismatched on the importance we place on sex and the frequency. Sex is more important to him than to me and when I am not in the mood he feels “rejected” and used to even pout the next day until I called him out on it (“when you do that I feel like you only care about me for the physical” etc).
We are also very different financially. He makes a low hourly wage, has no savings and has a lot of debt. Most of his money goes to child support and rent and he has very little left over. I work a steady job with a good salary and pay for literally almost everything in our relationship. When we were long distance, we would split travel costs and alternate hotel payments, etc, but when he moved here I learned he was just using credit cards and now they’re maxed out. When we were long distance I added him as an extra on one of my credit cards so he could buy his flights when it was my turn to pay. It worked fine and he only used it for that. Stay tuned for more on this.
I enjoy going out for dinner occasionally or going dancing, and I love to travel. Honestly, I don’t expect lavish gifts or lots of expensive things. If I want it, I just buy it myself. If I want to travel with him, I have to pay for it because he otherwise wouldn’t go because he can’t afford it. I’m torn because I like traveling with him, but then feel resentful that the full financial burden is mine (even though I know I chose to bring him).
After he moved to town, I also quickly learned he does not know how to feed himself very well. I think someone has cooked for him his entire life. He was living in a house with many family members (he is Peruvian-American and this is common in their culture), and I learned someone else was always making all of his meals. He didn’t speak the words that he expects me to cook for him, but he always comes to my house for meals, takes leftovers back to his apartment and I have done meal prepping on the weekends for his meals to take to work. I was getting tired of this and said “I’m going to take a break from all of the cooking” he agreed. Now, a week later, I get texts “I’m hungry [sad emoji]” and he asks to use my credit card to buy food. I find this incredibly unattractive.
Lately I feel like I am the only one who brings up any sort of conversation that’s not about food, sex, or how much he loves me. Those are his favorite topics. I feel bored with the situation.
Here’s the thing. He is a good man. He is respectful and is very loving. He says I am the center of his universe. Sure, I like watching TV with him and snuggling and when we go dancing or on a vacation it is always so fun. But I’m wondering if my fun is from the activities and less from him/his interaction. Ultimately in life, I want to be with someone who makes me laugh (check), makes me feel loved (usually), makes me feel cared for (meh), and who likes the activities I like (everything is a new experience to him so he always likes what I want to do). I feel like a monster for saying that the financial thing bothers me, but it’s the truth.
Here’s my question. Is it good enough in a relationship if the partners are respectful, kind and loving? I feel so guilty for thinking of ending our relationship because he is a good man who is nice to me. And I have no idea how he would get back to his family because he has no money. Does everybody settle on parts of their relationships? Should I keep trying?
Sincerely,
Inexperienced dater
Dear Inexperienced Dater,
I left your email subject line as the post title so I could start simple: Does everybody settle a little in relationships? No, though some do, and some more than others. And if this is your definition of “a little,” I am slightly worried for you. The fact that your boyfriend does not live with you is a good sign that your self-preservation instincts are still in there, but that credit card is clearly on your mind, and if you do nothing else after reading this, I want you to take back your credit card and remove his access to any of your money or credit accounts while you work out what you want to do about the relationship.
Look, someone can be a nice, fun, sweet person but not be the right partner for you, and I think I lost my entire mind when I read about the pouting over sex and the “I’m hungry” texts and the fact that you and your daughter don’t even get to keep the leftovers of the meals you make because he takes all of them home. Honestly, I would have a hard time letting someone go without food if I had the ability to feed them, but this feels like a child custody arrangement where he expects Mommy to feed him even when it’s his week to be in his own custody.
You feel guilty, because he moved all this way for you, but you didn’t make him do that, and you didn’t promise to pay his bills forever. He just assumed that you would and it’s more convenient for him if he never clarifies or plans anything about money and trades on the guilt while he dips into your resources little by little. I think you should probably break up and send him home to the place where his meals just show up on the table before this gets worse (consider the plane ticket back a savings over five more years of paying for everything he eats) but if you’re not ready to do that, here are my suggestions. You are not going to like it, and he is going to hate it, but I think it is necessary for reclaiming your integrity and setting healthy boundaries to see if anything in this relationship can be saved.
1. Go through your credit card statement with a fine-tooth comb. I would want to know where every dollar is going, and I would want to know exactly what he’s doing when he uses your credit card for food. Is he acquiring groceries or easily prepared food or is he ordering expensive delivery?
Poverty and hunger are not a joking matter, and I don’t want to shame anyone who can’t afford food, but if this man cannot make himself a sandwich or spaghetti or heat up a frozen meal now and then and is using your card to buy himself pricey restaurant meals, that is not sustainable.
2. Take away the credit card. “That was a short-term thing to help you get out here, but I’m not comfortable with it being an ongoing thing. It’s just to easy for things to get messy.” If he resists giving it to you or gets the slightest bit squirrely or mean or weird about this, that is an excellent reason to break up with him.
3. Go on cheaper dates and split the bill more often. “I’m happy to treat us sometimes and take you along on vacation, but now that you are here we have to figure out a sustainable budget so that we take turns.” If you go out, set the expectation that he pays his share, or at least part of it. If you want to see a movie and get dinner, howabout he pays for the movie and you grab the meal? If you want to treat both of you to a nice trip once in a while, that’s one thing, but do not continue the dynamic where you pay for everything, forever, without discussing it.
Note: You say he’s excited to do everything you plan, but what does he plan? Ask him to plan dates that he can afford. Summer is the time for free fun things to do, and if he can’t find something then you should think about how much you want to invest in someone who expects you to arrange both his meals and his playdates.
4. Don’t solve the “I’m hungry” texts. “Oh, sorry to hear that. How’s the rest of your day going?” What is he asking you to do? He’s not even really asking, he’s just saying a need and expecting you to fill it without having to spell it out, and he’s conditioned you to respond.
You are a parent, so this should be pretty recognizable behavior. For most of her life, if your daughter said “I’m hungry” it meant that you should choose and fix food for her. Now that she’s eleven, it’s probably a combination of you cooking hot meals and her choosing something among the available snacks, sandwich fixings, fruit, cheese & crackers, etc., right? Like, the plan is not for her to say, “I’m hungry” and have you spring into action forever, right?
This habit needs to be broken. I know there are cultural reasons why his habits and expectations are like this, but he needs to figure out how to feed himself and not assign that to the box marked “nearest woman.” I don’t want to suggest that it is your job to teach this man to cook for himself, but if he is sticking around maybe he and your daughter can start weekly “here is what we make when we don’t feel like cooking and we’re scrounging in the pantry” lessons together.
Overall, it’s just time to have a “We’re six months in, and this is what’s working and this is what needs work, so how do we solve that together?” talk. In the best case scenario, clarifying things will make everything better. He will try to work with you as much as possible and raise his game so that he can keep you in his life. If he doesn’t, I’m sorry, parenting a grown-ass man is a project with diminishing returns.
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