User blogs

شقة عمل شركة تنظيف بالرياض العالمية كلين في المشاركة في خدمات تنظيف البالغين ، نقوم بتعديل خدمات التنظيف غير الترفيهية في جميع أنحاء العالم مسئول عن تنظيف الألواح من الألف إلى الياء وتنظيف طاولة الصاج بالكامل أرقى الخدمات التي يمكن أن تنشئها شركتنا لقد أصبح طريًا ورطبًا ، ومن السهل طلب المساعدة. وهو أثمن عملية تجريد توفرها شركة تنظيف بالرياض التالي

شركة تنظيف خزانات بالطائف عندما تنمو شركات التنظيف في الرياض بسرعة كبيرة الاهتمام بتوفير العمالة الكريمة على أعلى مستوى من الإعداد أنا حساسة لأساليب التنظيف اللازمة في الرتبة تهتم الشركة بتجفيف الخزانات في تلاوة الرياض لتقوم بإجراء تحويلات التنظيف بالأجهزة والآلات المطلوبة شركة تنظيف تعتمد على توفير مجموعة من أجهزة وآلات التنظيف المميزة مما يساعد على تقليل البُعد ، والعناية المرهقة والجهد النهائي المطلوب.>>

شركة تنظيف بالرياض العالمية كلين من أكثر الأشياء الأساسية التي تضعنا في مكاننا والخدمات المنزلية الأكثر أهمية لعملائنا في الموقع إذا كنت بحاجة إلى الحصول على استنتاج أنباراغون وكنت بحاجة إلى عدم التعرض لأي ضعف بعد التنظيف أو أثناء التنظيف إن النتائج المستحسنة في هذا التجريد الطارئ الصغير هو جهد فعلي أسباب تجعلك ما زلت من هواة شركة التنظيف بالرياض>>

شركة تنظيف المجالس بالرياض يعد المجلس من أكثر قطع الأثاث البدائية الموجودة داخل مسكنك وهو ما يجعل تصور إقامتك رائعًا ومحدّدًا. أيضًا ، تعد الألواح من أكثر التطبيقات تميزًا والتي تعتقد أنك تلعب دورًا مريحًا في الجلسة ، لكن بعض مالكي المجالس يواجهون الكثير من المشاكل بسبب عدم تحسين هذه اللوحات ويستخدمون طرقًا في التنظيف يضر باللوحات الخاصة بك ، مثل تلوينها بشكل كبير ، ولكن مع وجود شركة غسيل للوحات في الرياض ، نقوم بتنظيف هذه الألواح من خلال شكل بخار متأخر يجعلنا نقوم بتنظيف جميع الأقمشة سريعة التهيج وجميع الأتربة والملوثات تميز الألواح>>

شركة تنظيف خزانات بجدة العالمية كلين كيف تقوم بتنظيف الألواح الخاصة بك تختلف طرق تنظيف الألواح الخاصة بك وفقًا لخطوط المواد التي تكون هذه الألواح مسبقة الصنع ، ولكن مع مأزق الشركة المحلية ، سنقدم لك المزيد من النصائح في تأثير تنظيف الألواح الخاصة بك بسهولة ويسر ، بما في ذلك:>>

شركة تنظيف شقق بالطائف إذا كانت الألواح الخاصة بك من النباتات ، فيجب تنظيفها بقطع أثرية بدون إضافة أي منظفات إليها حتى لا تتسبب في إتلاف الخشب إذا كانت الألواح الخاصة بك مصنوعة من المشغولات اليدوية أو المراتب ، فيجب تنظيفها عن طريق إزالة البقع عليها بمضرب الخفافيش ، ثم استخدام رافعة الفراغ للحصول على تأثير التنظيف الألواح الجلدية طرق التنظيف الأساسية بحيث لا تفسد هذه الألواح باستخدام القواعد التقليدية في نشاط التنظيف يجب عليك أيضًا تنظيف هذه الألواح باستخدام قماش هزيل مع إشعاع جلدي متراكب عليه وتنظيفه مع الصيانة.>>

شركة تنظيف شقق بالطائف العالمية كلين كانت هذه مجموعة من النصائح لتنظيف الألواح بشكل دوري ، لكن يجب أن تدرك أن هذه الأساليب والنصائح لا تفعل ذلك في الحالات وتحتاج شركة في إلحاق تنظيف الألواح وأنت وحدة لا تبذل مجهود شركة مقامرة أكثر من شركة تنظيف مع اللوحات في الرياض في التنظيف تقدم مقدمًا وافرًا من العاملين في مجالس الصلاحيات ، أستخدم هذه الوظيفة التي نستخدمها فقط. كما يمكنك الاستفادة من شركة تنظيف الصالات بالرياض والتي تساعدك على تنظيف الكنبة وازالة جميع البقع الموجودة بها بواسطة عمال متميزين ومدربين تدريباً جيداً>>

شركة تنظيف سجاد بالرياض السجاد هو أحد رؤوس الأموال التي يستخدمها الجميع لمنازلهم بالطريقة الأكثر. يستخدم السجاد أيضًا في المؤسسات لإملاء تغيير جودة ساحرة ومتألقة ، ولكن عندما تكون سجادتك غير نقية ، فإن هذه الميزات تنتقل إليك بسرعة مع مشاكل مثل نقل الكثير من الأمراض.>>

شركة تنظيف منازل بالرياض والأوبئة تنهب أيضًا الرؤية السائدة لمكان إقامتك ، ولكن لا توجد صعوبة  استعداد الله مع شركة إيواء المنطقة حتى نقوم بتنظيف سجادتك منتهية وراقية وفاعلية جديدة تمكننا من تنظيف السجادة وسحب كل اللقطات والملوثات الموجودة فيها ويصعب تنظيفها بمفردها أو بالطرق التقليدية. .>>

شركة تنظيف خزانات بجدة نحن أيضًا في شركة نقوم بتنظيف سجادتك بطرق فردية من الطوب الأحمر ومن خلال مجموعة كبيرة من العمال في طلب لإشراكك مع المؤلف الأسرع والأفراد في تسليم التنظيف. نقوم أيضًا بتنظيف سجادتك بطريقتين طريقة المبتدئ: في هذه الطريقة نعتمد على طريقة الحفر في عملية التنظيف لأن الطرق الحديثة لا تستوعب في بعض الأحيان أنواعًا كثيرة من السجاد ، لذلك نحن نستخدم طريقة التمرين هذه ، والتي تمنحك التنظيف الجيد غير المتنوع الذي تخصصه لك الأجهزة فائقة الحداثة ، ولكن علاج التنظيف يكون أبطأ ،>>

شركة تنظيف بجدة نظرًا لأن عمال يستخدمون المنظفات عالية الجودة التي لا تغير سجادتك بأي خطأ ، كما هو الحال مع مجموعة أكبر من العمال حتى نتمكن من إكمال هذا التمديد في أقرب وقت ممكن أفضل 5 أمثلة على شركة تنظيف بالرياض طريقة التركيبات: نستخدم هذه الطريقة>>

شركة تنظيف بالطائف من الاجهزة المتطورة العصرية في لمسة التنظيف التي تمكننا من تنظيف سجادك بجودة عالية للترحيل ومن مميزات هذه الطريقة هي السفر وهذه الطريقة اسرع من غيرها. تعمل أجهزة كشعار الحصيرة والشكل البخاري على تنظيف سجادتك بجودة عالية وتحويل جميع المخلفات الموجودة داخل سجادتك ، وقد تم تصميم هذه الأجهزة خصيصًا للسجاد المتأخر حتى لا تتسبب في إصابة الطبقة المنشطة الهزيلة.>>

It’s time for that recurring feature where the search strings people typed in that led them here are answered as if they are real questions. No context! Snap judgments! Let’s do it! 

First, as is traditional, a song: 

I cannot believe I haven’t used that one before. It was right there! 

1 “Mom found my sex toy.”

I’m assuming that she found it in your bedroom or other private space and not floating in the punch bowl or bzzzzzbzzzzzbzzzzing out of the centerpiece at a family event, so the obvious right thing for her to do was to leave it (or put it back) wherever she found it and leave the entire subject alone as well. Your body, your assistive devices! It’s none of her business!

Since you know that she found it, I’m guessing that’s not how it went. But you don’t have to discuss it with her. “Mom, that’s private, I’m not discussing it with you.” If she’s insisting on making it weird, then approach the conversation on those terms.”Mom, why are you being weird about my personal stuff? It’s none of your business.” 

FYI, if you are a teenager living at home with parents, Scarleteen has a lot of content about this. 

2 “Don’t feel guilty about quitting your job.” 

Actually, feel however you want to about it, but probably don’t let those feelings get in the way of doing what’s right for you. There’s a reason you’re leaving. If you’d had the power to fix whatever made you want to leave, you would have already fixed it. 

If applicable, before your last day, create a document with a brief status report on all your current projects and notes on where the essential files and contact info can be found. Email a copy to your manager and team members and put a hard copy in your desk drawer. (When leaving good jobs I thought of this document as doing the best I could for the person coming after me, when leaving bad jobs I thought of it as the “don’t call me” file: If I thought it was important, I wrote it down. If I didn’t write it down, probably ask someone else, since I don’t work here anymore, bye!)

If possible, give notice according to your employment contract or usual industry standards (two weeks is common in the United States). If it’s not possible, because you’re leaving a toxic or abusive workplace, and you need to go immediately, you will not find judgment here.“Quitting without notice will ruin your future career!” Maybe so, but why would I assume that a boss who makes threats like this, or a company that is so toxic that I’m willing to burn a bridge to get away from it, was going to give me a *good* reference or help my career in any way? Sticking it out because of fear has never once helped my career, but the few times I  could just get up and walk away from toxic situations and abusive bosses improved my well-being pretty much immediately. 

Then go! In a few weeks you’ll work somewhere else, with new people, and with brand new guilt about insufficiently feeding the capitalist death machine with your fragile human body. 

3 “Should I let my friend have sex with my gf” 

The word “let” is the record scratch that really ties the whole mess together.Yikes! 

First, delete the word “let” from sentences about who your girlfriend has sex with, since that’s something she decides. Next, please, do some reading about non-monogamy, and get on the same page with your girlfriend about this (that page could be, “this is not for us,”), before anybody does anything they’ll regret. Sex with people outside your relationship is either a thing you and your girlfriend are happily exploring together, or it’s a no-go, either because you choose to remain monogamous or you break up. Same deal for your friendship! Whose idea was this? Do you actually want this friendship to include sexy stuff? How does your friend and your girlfriend want that to work? How do you want that to work? 

From there, the answer you seek is probably in your question, since your reaction doesn’t seem to be “This will be a great for everyone, I’ve checked, and I’m absolutely sure that everyone is into it, and my friendship and relationship will be even better after this happens, yay!” If anyone – including you – is not actively welcoming and participating in whatever sexy stuff you have planned, especially when some element is brand new/outside the usual norms you’ve negotiated, then don’t do it! 

4 “How to convince a long distance crush to believe in a future.”

There is no convincing, there is only asking.

If you want a future with this person, tell them how you feel and describe what you have in mind. Then listen to what they have to say about it. If the answer isn’t, “yes, I feel the same way, let’s give it a try,” or something like it, accept their refusal as gracefully as you can and drop the subject. People don’t tend to forget when a friend says “I’m in love with you and I want us to be together,” so if they change their mind, they know how to find you and tell you all about it, no convincing required!

If it is a “no,” be gentle with yourself, give yourself time and space to grieve for the beautiful daydream you had, and give your crush space, too. There is no airtight case guaranteed to make someone love you back, and there is no loving somebody without treating them like the authority on their own wants and needs. 

5 “My mom doesn’t want to meet my boyfriend.” 

If you generally get along with your mom, and you don’t know why she’s so reluctant, I think it’s worth asking her outright, one time. “I’ve been so excited to introduce two of my favorite people, is there a reason you don’t want to meet him? Help me understand.”

If she has a good reason for her reticence,  it’s time she spelled it out. Sometimes people who aren’t all hopped up on the good love chemicals can see red flags more clearly, like the time my grandmother was perfectly pleasant and welcoming to a college boyfriend, but doomed the relationship the moment she casually (and accurately) noted that “he starts all his sentences with ‘I,’ and I could not unsee it. If the guy had truly made me happy over time, she would have never said anything about it again, but when he started to suck in other ways a few months later, the ice-cold garden hose that Grandma’d sprayed all over my burgeoning attraction made it less of a shock and more of one more reason to get gone.

If your mom has bad reasons (Such as racist/homophobic reasons? Controlling you reasons?), then at least you’ll know what you’re dealing with, and can make some choices. These choices are less about convincing her to see things differently or forcing your mom and your boyfriend into proximity, and more about deciding what you will and won’t put up with. For instance, if she really forced the issue, would your attendance at family events and celebrations where it would be normal for people to bring romantic partners become conditional on whether he’s included as well? Is leaving your boyfriend at home when you have to see your mom actually the best way to be kind to yourself and protective of him? A little of both? Trial and error? You don’t have to decide all at once. 

The key is, ask her one time, let her answer, and then drop the discussion. If she’s mildly wrong? Your happiness over time will be its own evidence and she’ll have a chance to change her mind. If she’s badly, badly, unkindly, rudely wrong? Then you’ll have permission to stop trying to fix any of it and to focus on what’s best for you. 

6 “Husband doesn’t let me have hobbies.” 

Again, that word “let.” Yuck. 

Anyone who thinks that they get to control all of your free time and dictate what you can and cannot do for fun cannot act surprised when looking for a good divorce lawyer in your area becomes less of a hobby and more of a vocation. 

7 “Boyfriend won’t take care of bad credit.” 

That’s his choice, and I don’t think credit scores carry moral weight or determine who is a good person, but it can also be your choice NOT to combine finances or households with someone whose choices risk making your life more precarious. It’s okay to want a romantic partner who approaches money with the same seriousness and care as you, and it’s okay to hold off on any and all romantic milestones that are as much about joining finances and the boring logistics of making a happy, functioning household as they are about love and other feelings.

Script: “If you’re serious about [complicated future step] with me, then we need to be able to talk about money, and right now I need you to start getting a handle on your credit so that we can [goal]. If you’re not ready to do that, I understand, no shame, no judgment, you’re the boss of you. I just want you to understand where I’m coming from, that taking care of myself means not turning “my” money into “our” money until there’s a plan in place that doesn’t put me at risk.” 

8 “Out of town friend keeps inviting herself to stay.” 

The word you’re looking for is “no.” 

“No, that won’t work for me.” 

“No, I don’t want a houseguest this week.” 

If you’ve always acted like you’re okay with her visits in the past, then she’d have no reason to think you were unhappy, so focus on what you want to happen from now on instead of accounting for past grievances that she didn’t know about. Script: “Can we talk about ground rules for visiting? We’ve gotten into a habit of you inviting yourself and me accepting, and I never made a fuss because I really like seeing you. But it’s not always convenient for me to have guests, so can I do the inviting from now on?” 

Then, if you like her and want to see her, seek her out and invite her, and remember, the word “no” never shattered a friendship that didn’t already have a few cracks in it. 

9 “I’m not really dating right now meaning” 

A translation: “I sense that you want to date me and the answer is no.”

It’s a soft rejection, but it is a rejection, and I generally recommend not being the Verizon Guy of dating about this stuff. (“Are you dating now? Howabout now? Are you ready now?”) We carry magical communication devices in our pockets that let us span the world instantaneously, so if things change and the person wants to date you at some point, they can find you and let you know. 

10 “How to respond when a boyfriend asks what kind of a person do u think i am?” 

This is what is known as a loaded question, where you sense that the asker already has a hoped-for (or dreaded) answer in mind, or that the text of the question has an iceberg of subtext hiding under it. 

I generally don’t like it when people cast me in playlets they’re writing inside their heads, where they’ve already decided what my lines are but neglected to tell me, so my usual approach to loaded questions is to get the person asking to tell me what they actually want as quickly as possible.

Most times, especially if it’s someone I know well and like very much, I go right at it. “Babe, you seem to have something in mind, can you elaborate?” “What kind of person you are covers a lot of ground. Can I get a for instance or some subcategories?” This isn’t adversarial, it’s an invitation:  Hey, buddy, tell me what’s really on your mind. 

Sometimes I ignore the subtext and answer the question in the most literal possible way. “What kind of person do you think I am?” “A tall one?” If they want something else, this is their chance to clarify. “No, I meant, do you think I’m a good person?” In my experience, this is a good tactic for dealing with passive-aggressive people, especially if that momentary frustration at you for not following their script prompts them to spit out what they actually want.

When I get the feeling (from context, history) that a person is asking me a loaded question as a formality so that they can tell me what they think or get me to agree to something I’m not sure I want, I skip ahead: “I need to think about it for a minute. Why, what do you think about that?”  Pass! Your turn! 

For example, I’ve noticed that people trying to sell or evangelize have a whole Q & A pattern where they ask questions that set them up for the answers they’ve already planned to give, a pattern that doesn’t allow a lot of room for the words “Oh, no thank you.” I’m also pretty sensitive, if not downright allergic, to people who attempt to test me or pick fights or try to do end-runs around informed consent by asking a trick question so they can pounce when I answer “wrong.” Tell me what you’re after, Perry Mason, but I’m not taking the pop quiz first!

Context and history with a specific person matters, since “What are you doing this weekend?” can mean “I would enjoy hearing about your weekend activities” from some people and “Get ready, I’m about to ask you for a date or a complicated, time-consuming favor in a way that’s hard for you to back out of because you just told me you’re free!” from others. Spend enough time with people in the second group and you’ll forever answer “What are you doing this weekend?” with an automatic “Oh, this and that. Why do you ask?” 

A thing I don’t do anymore at my big age is assume or guess (out loud, at least) what the person wants. If someone wants reassurance or insight or a favor or to deliver a sales pitch, that’s fine, let me make it safe for them to ask the real question. Otherwise, if there is some secret, expected answer that “everybody” is supposed to already know, I’m just fine with asking for a quick review. If someone is operating in good faith, inviting them to clarify will only improve communication. If someone gets mad at me for asking for clarification, it’s a good sign that something else is going on. 

That’s this month’s roundup, comments are….drum roll… OPEN.

Dear Captain Awkward,

Can you jolt me out of my feelings of sadness and worry with some wisdom about friendship and favours?

Over the years I’ve helped out a bunch of friends by catsitting for their fur babies while they were on vacation. I’ve taken care of cats on more than one occasion for no fewer than seven different friends during my 20s. And sure it was fun and I got to play with their kitties and stay in their houses when I was poor and living in shared housing the rest of the time. It was, however, still a favour. I took long train rides to cities where I didn’t know anyone and couldn’t afford to go out. I filled other people’s cupboards with food because they didn’t leave me anything to eat, despite the fact that they weren’t paying me. I lugged my laptop across town and made four-hour return trips to collect forgotten textbooks. I followed very specific cat-care instructions anxiously and accurately. I once had to pay over two hundred dollars for a locksmith because of a misunderstanding with an owner.

And now it’s ten years down the line, I share my partner’s flat and I finally adopted my own cat. I adore her, but she’s had a hard time and is simultaneously painfully timid and starving for affection and attention. She cries and sometimes wets the sofa when left alone for more than a few hours and follows me absolutely everywhere. We’ve booked a weekend away six weeks from now and I emailed around to see if anyone could look after her for three nights (half as long as most of the gigs I did for them in the past). Crickets. I finally heard back from one friend suggesting I book a paid service that’s organized like Airbnb, i.e. a stranger would come stay in the flat and look after her. There don’t seem to be that many checks involved in this service. Captain, I’m so worried about what to do with my anxious, loving little cat and I’m so upset and frankly angry that nobody is willing to help me in the way I helped them. They’re not young, hungry for space and single, sure, but even though I was those things when I looked after their pets, I was also going to quite a lot of trouble and inconvenience to help them out. None of them has kids and some of them are married couples, meaning surely one of them could spend a weekend staying in the flat (which is extremely comfortable and in a really nice area of one of the world’s most popular cities for tourists) taking care of my beloved cat? How should I feel and what should I do?

Thank you,

My cat is sad and so am I!

Hello My Cat Is Sad,

I’m glad you asked for a jolt, because otherwise, I do not think you would necessarily love what I have to say.

In my 20s, when I or one of my friends needed to move apartments, lots of friends would get together and help the person move. We’d carry boxes and furniture, load and unload the truck, and eat pizza and beer, assuming that the labor and effort would be paid back, or forward, someday, somehow.

Starting sometime in my 30s, if I need to move, I hire movers. If friends are moving and need help, I might help with collecting cardboard boxes for them, and even with packing or unpacking as I can, and I might kick in money for movers if the person needed funds, but my days of carrying other people’s futons up and down stairs – and asking friends to do the same for me – are over. Bodies and expectations have changed, where, even if I wanted to move heavy objects, I physically can’t. Life is different now.

Expectations about what constitutes a pleasant getaway are also different with age. (Youth Hostels in my 20s: I can sleep literally anywhere! Adventure! Instant, incandescent, temporary friendships! Making out with the continent of Australia, one horny backpacker at a time! Youth Hostels now: AHAHAHAHA NO, also I’m 47, so I would be the one making it weird if I tried to stay in one.) The kind of cat sitting you’re asking for isn’t the “Neighbor, can you drop by once a day and make sure the bowls are full and the box isn’t gross?” sort, which is an easy favor to trade now and then. You’re asking someone to move into your place for three nights to look after a continuously crying cat who pisses on the furniture if her person leaves for more than a few hours. [sarcasm]Sounds relaxing! What a great way to take advantage of nearby tourist attractions in between bulk applications of noise-cancelling headphones and Nature’s Miracle on one of the precious long weekends of summer! [/sarcasm] You may have been willing to do this kind of thing in your 20s, and you can certainly ask if anyone would be willing to do it for you now, but if your friends tell you they are unwilling, your best bet is to believe them about that and make another plan.

Fortunately, you have options, and here are five off the top of my head:

1) Call your vet and see if they will board her for the weekend for a fee (this can be especially useful for pets who need regular medication).

2) Call your vet and see if they can recommend a pet sitter or service, sometimes vet clinic front office staff do pet-sitting as a side gig or know people who do. Just, generally, call your vet and tell them what’s happening, they can probably help with both the separation anxiety issue and the litter box rebellion.

3) Investigate the service your friend recommended for you and its competitors, read reviews, and find one with a good professional track record that gives you the ability to screen people to your comfort levels. Perhaps a willing, conveniently-located stranger who is being paid (and who might be in their 20s and psyched for a weekend away from housemates) is a better option than an unwilling friend (who is also a complete stranger…to your cat).

4) Change your vacation lodgings to a pet-friendly place and bring a disposable litter box and food with you.

5) Or, postpone your trip until you and your cat have worked on the separation anxiety a bit more and/or you find reliable, trustworthy cat care. Welcome to having a pet! Your new vacation-planning order of operations is “figure out pet care, THEN book expensive/non-refundable things” as long as this wee beastie is in your life.

It’s understandable that you’re somewhat disappointed, it sounds like you did do a lot of cat-related favors back in the day. Verily, this whole thing might make you re-evaluate how willing you are to do inconvenient favors for certain people in the future, which sounds to me like an extremely healthy impulse for you overall.  It’s normal and good to want reciprocal friendships, but “I never set boundaries before, so you are a bad friend if you have them now” isn’t the way to get there. In future, if you’re only doing a friend a favor because you expect a quid pro quo, then negotiate that outright: “I can do x for you, and in exchange, someday, and that day may never come, I may ask you to do some cat-sitting for me.” If, as with Letter Writer #1339, what started out as a favor needs some adjustment, then either re-negotiate it until it feels like a favor or stop doing it. Otherwise, treat favors like any other gift: Something you gave away because you wanted to, something that isn’t yours anymore.

Even if something is technically owed, people just generally respond poorly to guilt trips and self-martyrdom. If you enthusiastically agreed or volunteered to do favors for people, and neither mentioned all the snags and extra costs incurred nor set clearer expectations at the time (“I’d be glad to, but can you cover my train fare and food during the stay?”), then offering decade-old hassles now up in a friendship expense report or lien for back friendship taxes isn’t going to make a persuasive case. You don’t get credit for all the stuff you could have said or asked for but didn’t. Even the credit monitoring bureaus have a seven year cutoff for holding old debts against people. 

I also strongly advise against pointing out that your friends “could” do it now if they really wanted to by virtue of not having kids. I don’t have children, it doesn’t mean that my free time is free to other people until proven otherwise, and that doesn’t change even if I like them very much and if they’ve done nice things for me in the past. If you didn’t want to do all that stuff back then, you could have said no, just like your friends did now, because the important part, the actionable part, is the part where they don’t want to, and there’s just no way that pushing past that in the way you’ve described plays out well. Imagine actually having the following conversation:

You: “Can you watch the cat from ___ to ____?” Them: “Sorry, no.” You: “But I spent $200 on a locksmith in 2013 and never told you about it.” Them: “Oof, really? I had no idea. Why didn’t you say something then?” You: “So can you watch the cat?” Them: “Sorry, still no. Do you want the name of a service?” You: “But I journeyed for many hours to take care of your cat, and had to go back when I forgot textbooks.” Them: “That was really nice of you! But if you hadn’t wanted to do it I would have found someone else.” You: “So you’ll watch her?” Them: “Was I not clear? I’m not going to watch her, but good luck finding someone who can!” You: “But you could if you wanted to, it’s not like you have kids or anything.” Them: “I don’t have kids, but if I did, and you didn’t want to babysit them, I’d find someone who did. So again, sorry, can’t help, but here’s a service that might!”

Your friends aren’t doing what you wish they would do, but they are sticking to pretty reasonable boundaries and giving you timely, honest information so that you can make the best possible plan. I hope you can find a reliable solution, have an excellent vacation, and find a happier and much drier co-existence with your tiny pee terrorist.

For a hot second I was almost tempted to open comments to see whether the “Child-free people aren’t your TaskRabbits” outrage or pet care optimization advice (what Nicole Cliffe correctly calls “the third rail of the internet”) would melt it all down sooner, but no, comments are extra closed, and please also refrain from emailing me tips about coping with litter box problems, cat anxiety, recommendations for Feliway and calming treats, pet sitting recs, and other highly specialized, extremely localized, and easily-searchable cat care tips. “But urinating outside the litter box could indicate a serious medical problem!” Yes, which is why it is the first thing that comes up in literally any search engine about the subject, and why I used the words “call your vet” repeatedly in the post. We don’t diagnose strange people via the Internet, we’re definitely not making exceptions for pets we’ve never met, and I will not pass on any tips to the Letter Writer, no matter how well-meaning.

Thank you, I love you, please enjoy some recent photos of Henrietta Kim Wexler Pussycat and Daniel Jason Mendoza Striped Tiger, who are three years old as of last month:

Dear Captain Awkward,

My husband and I recently moved to a touristy beach town. It is expensive to live here. My daughter’s husband is a professional and flies here to work in this town for a two or three days a month.

He makes very good money. We welcomed him to stay with us but here is the problem. He is a moocher. He never offers to buy food, he expects to drive my car for free and very seldom mutters a thank you. He is taking advantage of our hospitality and we are tired of his ungratefulness. We would like him to contribute in some way like buying food or taking us out to dinner or some sort of appreciation. He can certainly afford it.

We are retired and on a fixed income. We are saving him hundreds of dollars by providing a free room, free car and free food. How do we handle this?

Thank you for your advice.

Hello! 

You are allowed to tell your son-in-law that you’d appreciate grocery money, to have the car returned with a full tank and a thank you if he takes it out, and whatever else you need to turn these periodic visits from him into something that works for you. 

“[Name], it’s nice seeing you when you come into town, but we’re on a fixed income and we can’t afford to cover the groceries, fuel, and other expenses. From now on, are you able to chip in $X ahead of time to cover your stay?” 

You are allowed to change up all or part of the previous arrangement. “You’re welcome to the guest room, but we’ll need the car most days, so probably plan to rent one.” 

If you’d like a nice dinner out, then say that: “When we go stay with family, we generally take our hosts out for a nice dinner to say thank you. Would you be up for treating us to something like that?” 

You are also allowed to say, “Oh, that won’t work for us” from now on and leave him to make his own hotel and rental car arrangements. Search your heart: Is your honest preference that he stay elsewhere from now on when he’s in town without your daughter? Then go with that. (Do you even like this guy?) 

I suggest having him stay elsewhere for at least the next visit as a way to reset things between you. “I know you usually plan to stay with us when you’re here for work, but we’re taking a little break from hosting anyone, I wanted to let you know so you can make other plans.”  Don’t set it up as a  lesson he’s supposed to learn absent an actual conversation, though. If he asks why, or even if he doesn’t, tell him: “These visits are taking a financial toll on us in a way we didn’t expect, and we’ve started to feel a little bit unappreciated, so let’s take a month off and reset the parameters so it works for everyone.” 

Then tell him what you’d like to be different from now on.”Can you ask before using the car, and remember to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’?” Some families operate on the pretext that they are so close that they don’t need to say please or thank you or ask permission for stuff, “company” manners are reserved for people outside the family. In some families, the parent-figures pick up the check no matter what (on pain of death/severe disapproval), and he might be from one of those. He married into your family, he’s on your turf, so he needs to adjust to how you do things.Whatever guests “should” do, he isn’t doing it, and he’s not going to magically intuit something different if you don’t tell him. There is no extra credit for gritting your teeth and faking that everything is fine when someone is making you mad. If you want things to change, you must say something. 

The One Weird Trick I can offer up is a reminder that your grudge clock has been running for a while now, but if you’ve never raised any of these concerns to him before, your son-in-law doesn’t know. If you’ve “welcomed” him to stay in the past, and never raised any issues, how would he know? He might be an entitled cheapskate, he might be a generally good guy who is just a little oblivious about this and has been taking you for granted, the proof will be in what he does when he knows for sure what you need. If you want to stay constructive and give him the best possible chance to do the right thing, be very specific and clear about what you’d like to happen from now on, and then restart the clock. Once he knows better, does he do better? Be prepared to give a gentle reminder now and then until you find a new normal that works.

If that new normal is that he explores your beachside town’s many hotels on his work trips, expenses it all come tax time, and everyone likes each other better for it? That’s still better than what’s happening now. 

P.S. Strong congrats to this Letter Writer for looking for ways to handle it directly with the son-in-law and not making it something your daughter has to mediate. 

P.P.S. I thought I recalled writing something for people who live near tourist destinations and need to manage the influx of entitled houseguests, here it is for anyone needing a general review. 

Dear Captain Awkward or associate,

Firstly, thank you so much. I’ve devoured your page in the past two weeks. I’m currently scrolling down in the archives, way back in 2015 at the moment. I’ve seen, and benefited from, my main problem being answered on your forum several times. Maybe this is a twist on it, I hope it is so I’m not wasting your time. Whether you answer or not, thank you so much for reading!

I (she/her) have been suffering the past few years from friends who drain me. Not the exciting roller-coaster kind, but the ones I say “yeah we should hang out sometime!” only to find myself being messaged every few days or weeks with potential hangs. In the past it has taken me some time to realise this pattern, or I have realised they drain me but figure it’s best to just try to space it out as much as possible and who knows, maybe sometimes when I need a friend it’ll be good to coincide both of our needs. Well, I have learned that when the chips are down and I try to hang out with friends like this, I come out the other side feeling absolutely exhausted, trampled all over, and furious. I might sound a bit cocky about myself, but I can say that I’m sociable and fairly good with people. The problem is that people assume it’s no effort, and then they make it extremely hard for me to ask for what I want.

They overstay their welcome, they don’t listen to me, or they listen to me too much and require far too much engagement. They extend the hangs beyond what I originally wanted. They essentially push the boat out. I can’t stand rudeness or awkwardness, and I can’t stand when I know somebody is uncomfortable and I could make it better, so what I do with these friends is I spend the entire hang emotionally spackling over their awkwardness or rudeness. Then my friend leaves the hang feeling like “wow that was so much less awkward than usual” whereas I’m absolutely wrecked from doing all of the social heavy lifting. I’m a mostly extroverted, and these friends seem to take my sociability for granted and never seem to consider how their words and actions affect me. One of them recently asked to try on a shirt I own to check out the colour on her, then she marvelled at how big it was. She, the tiny friend, and me having always been very open about my weight insecurity. It offended me but because she’s very chatty and requires everyone to be super honest and open all the time, I decided I didn’t want the hassle of trying to explain this to her, especially when I can’t accuse her of deliberately trying to make me feel bad.

Well, I recently did an admirable thing. I began slow fading from these friends. The tiny friend who was rude about my shirt has tried multiple times to meet and every time I have been busy. I feel good because I think she’s finally gotten the message. I’ve started slow fading from a male friend who I do not believe will ever get the message, judging by how he still thinks other friends who have faded on him are best friends. I’d feel bad, but the last time we hung out he spent three hours telling me everything about a girl who’d recently turned him down, including some personal stuff I doubt she’d want shared, and INTERRUPTED ME every time I tried to change the subject, or tell him about the date I’d been on the night before. I initially had guilt about this new tactic, but I read a lot of your stuff and I think the executive decision I made will be a very healthy one in the long run.

I was feeling great. Enter Amy, an old college acquaintance. She recently moved to my city and messaged me asking if I would be around some day to hang out. I was cautious, because I remembered her sometimes being rather a lot, but I also hadn’t reminisced about our old college class in forever and I suppose with her being new to the city and me being so active on social media, it would be rude for me not to reply. We went for a walk one day after I got off work. She was okayyyyy. Very shrill and a little bit rude to the staff in the cafe where we got a hot drink before the walk (not mean-rude but didn’t say thanks, interrupted them, talked to me very loudly inside the shop). On the walk itself, she was okay but she doesn’t really let me away with anything. If she thinks I’ve said something odd she like SHRIEKS. I feel very exposed in public with her being so loud. She wants to catch each other up on our old college friends. I am interested in everyone she brings up, genuinely, and try to remember the ones I can’t remember etc. When she orders me to think of someone I have any updates on, and I bring someone up that she didn’t know much/doesn’t care about, she loudly interrupts, telling me that she doesn’t care about them. I survive the walk but decide to keep my distance.

Since then she’s asked me three times to hang out, and I’ve said I was busy each time. Until today, when she messaged me that she has reservations for a table for two at a restaurant two weeks from now and will I join her. I really felt like I had to say yes, because she told me she had nobody else at all to go with. She also booked me two weeks in advance! I wish I’d said I was busy. I asked if I could bring my other friend, who had privately agreed to be a buffer, but she said “well only if you’re absolutely sure that they’ll come because I’m not going to call and ask for another seat at the table if she’s going to cancel!” so I just dropped it. I get that she’s being practical, but I don’t feel that we’re close enough for the way that she is comfortable speaking to me. Now I’m dreading the hang, and really just annoyed at myself. I feel I took one step forward then two steps back. I was exhilarated and hopeful about my future and now I just feel bogged down again. I’ve done this to myself, but I have been told that I’m her only social connection in this city. I wish I could talk to my therapist but she’s on maternity leave, and I do feel healthy in every other aspect of my mental health, but I’m just angry with myself and feeling powerless.

I’d love some advice, if you have any to give. If not, I feel better having even written to you, so thank you very very much for that! And thanks for everything you’ve already written on your site, I have been linking articles to my good friends left, right and centre since I discovered your page.

Love and lots of respect,

People Assume I’m a Golden Retriever When Really I’m a Bit Like a Sensitive Cat

Hello, Sensitive Cat: 

Thank you for the kind words and entertaining visual in subject line, now immortalized in the post title.

Now, down to business.

Text Amy right now, and cancel that fucking dinner. “Amy, I’m so sorry, but I’m going to cancel dinner. It was nice to catch up about old times the other day, but I’d rather not get together again. Good luck settling into the new place.” 

There’s no perfect way to tell somebody a thing they don’t want to hear, so don’t procrastinate or get caught up in trying to convince her to feel okay about it. Amy will feel bad when you cancel, and you will also feel bad because it sucks to let someone down. This is not avoidable, but it will pass, and then you will be free, because “we hung out once and it didn’t go well, let’s not do it again” is an excellent reason to not be friends. Amy’s lack of other friends to go with is an Amy problem, but she’s new in a town full of beautiful strangers, some of whom might find her bluntness or whatever charming. Restaurants let you sit and eat while you read a book.  She will be sad, mad, whatever, but she will figure it out. You are not her sole shot at fancy food or human companionship.

Cancel the dinner. Send the text. Do not reply. Unfollow/unfriend/block her everywhere the second you send the message. Don’t be friends. It can be that simple. 

I’m serious. Stop reading, come back when you’ve cancelled that dinner with Amy. She needs to figure out another dinner date, and you need a practical reminder that the world won’t end if someone you don’t like ends up not liking you. It’s good that you are learning more about what you need from friendships, so use that knowledge before you write in two years from now: “Dear Captain Awkward, I have this one bridesmaid, Amy, from college, btw we’re also roommates who run a business together…”

Once you’ve cancelled, it’s time to radically redefine what makes a person “social and good with people” and “polite.”

Because “friend” is not a word for “everyone you vaguely know and don’t actively hate who isn’t family or a romantic prospect.”

Because saying “Yeah we should hang out sometime!” and then getting mad at people who take you at your word isn’t more polite than“Thanks for thinking of me, but no.”

Because it’s not a crime for people to like you more than you like them and not be able to tell the difference between feigned enthusiasm and the real thing. It’s not their fault that you have porous boundaries! 

Because faking friendship with people while barely holding in a volcano of unexpressed fury can be a lot of things, none of them pleasant or particularly “polite.” 

Because being an extrovert who recharges in the company of other people doesn’t compel you to seek out all other people, including crappy ones. 

Because life is too short for this NiceGirl shit where seeming  polite is more important than being honest, kind, or happy. 

Sensitive Cat, you are simultaneously giving these people way too much power (“I really felt like I had to say yes”) and zero credit. Why would you assume that other people want to spend time with someone who dreads their company? You are trying so hard to prevent anyone from ever feeling even a little bit bad that you are fostering situations where you are guaranteed to feel bad, and setting up dynamics where people invest in a relationship with a pretend version of you. “I couldn’t stomach disappointing you for 5 minutes, so I’ve decided to disappoint me/you/everyone, forever!” How…???…is that better???? Consider that you owe people a version of courtesy that doesn’t come at the expense of integrity. 

You’ve recognized the pattern and made some progress, and The Slow Fade isn’t mean. I generally think it’s fine to stop initiating or accepting plans with people you don’t gel with anymore and see what happens, sometimes the drift is mutual. However, when you’re trying to fade, and the other person keeps dutifully trying to do Good Friend stuff, then it’s a kindness to set them free from chasing you. Once you’ve canceled on Amy, you could respond to Tiny Friend’s last invitation. “Sorry, I know I keep declining plans, but I haven’t felt much like hanging out. Howabout I get in touch when I’m up for it?” “When I’m up for it” could be never, it could be in a few weeks when you decide you miss her or have the bandwidth to talk about what upset you, this doesn’t have to be ironclad.

Now, a person getting that message might reasonably wonder if they’ve done something to upset you and ask about it. Awkward, yes. Disastrous? No. A deliberate attempt  by your friend to test your resolve and will to live? Also no. Asking is a way of showing care, as is telling the truth.“Well, to be honest, I didn’t have much fun the last time we hung out, and the way you kept making fun of ‘my enormous shirt’  really hurt my feelings.You know I’m sensitive about body stuff!”  

Maybe Tiny Friend will sincerely apologize, maybe you’ll take a little break from each other, maybe you’ll figure out if there’s anything repairable. Maybe she’ll get super upset and mean, or be like “Fine, let’s not be friends then!” and stomp off, which…okay? When you are trying to leave a relationship, don’t chase after people when they do you the favor of leaving first.

Lately there has been a whole series of Letter Writers who are extremely anxious about disappointing others and getting overwhelmed socially. And lots of people who don’t actually like their friends. I suspect it’s partly free-floating anxiety looking for a new vessel, partly “wait, how do I people again?” adjustment, and partly because habits of people-pleasing are taught, through families, and through cultural, racial, and gender expectations. Just, generally we are just not good (collectively speaking) at teaching certain people to say a direct “Oh, no thanks!” and certain other people to accept this with “No worries, thanks for telling me,” with a healthy shared expectation that everyone will merrily continue on with their lives.

Letter Writer, there is a reason you learned to handle things this way, probably somebody ( or a lot of somebodies) in your life taught you lessons like “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything” in ways that rooted and metastized in your brain. You’re not the only adult who has had to learn how to say simple, obvious things (“Thanks but I don’t want to have dinner”) while suffused with the imaginary fear – or very real memory – of being punished for having needs. If persistent dread around “low stakes” stuff like declining dinner invitations from people you don’t like is fucking with the quality of your life and your ability to have authentic relationships, then take it seriously, and take advantage of any therapy resources you can access. (I can’t say whether *you* meet clinical criteria, but I can say that social anxiety is a common, treatable thing; maybe it doesn’t have to be this hard.)

In the meantime, I mentioned the other day that a former therapist gave me an assignment to help me break habits of over-scheduling myself. Letter Writer, if you’re willing, I think an adaptation of this might level up your skills in the area of not over-scheduling yourself…specifically with people you don’t actively enjoy hanging out with. 

Step 1: For the rest of the summer, make your default answer to social invitations some version of “Thanks for asking, let me check my schedule and get back to you.” “I don’t know, I need to check my calendar. When do I need to get back to you?” 

Automatically give yourself a 24-hour buffer before you say yes or no. You need to interrupt that people-pleasing impulse that prompts you to agree to everyone’s face and seethe later.

Step 1A: Overall, try replacing “We should definitely hang out sometime” with something that doesn’t get you into so much trouble. “It’s so nice to see you! You look great!” “Got any good travel coming up?” “Let’s hang out sometime” is not an invitation, but there are lots of other ways to say something pleasant. Find some.

Step 2: Actually check your calendar. 

Step 3: Much more importantly, check your feelings. On a scale of one to ten, with ten being “Ecstatic, can’t wait” and one being “I’d rather do laundry, at least then I’d have clean laundry” how much do you want to go to this thing with this particular person? 

Your feelings and enthusiasm levels, not theirs. Not “Oh, but they’ll be disappointed.” Not “Oh, but they don’t really have other friends.” Not “Oh, they’ll think I’m mad at them.” Not “I owe them because they made plans last time.”

If this is too hard, try flipping a coin, heads you MUST go, tails you absolutely CAN’T go, and check your feelings again. Do you feel relieved? Filled with dread? Excited? Can you translate that into a number between 1-10? Can you roll a d10? (You do not have to obey the coin toss or dice, it’s just a device to force you to make a decision about the feeling). 

Step 4: Use your feelings-score and your calendar to make a decision.

9-10 and a good fit with the calendar? Accept with pleasure.

6 and below = decline, no matter what the calendar says. If the answer is not “Hell yes!” then default to no thanks! Don’t try to talk yourself into shit you don’t enthusiastically want to do. There’s plenty of “maybe” to work with in the 7-8 range.

Step 5: RSVP and practice not over-explaining or compulsively apologizing. I noticed a pattern in your letter of using “Sorry, I’m busy” to deflect, like you have to actually be busy or else you’re not allowed to decline any invitations, but you’re not a deli counter who has to serve the next number no matter what. Instead, replace telling people what you can and can’t do (which might prompt them to suggest solutions) with information about what you will do: “I wanted to let you know I won’t be there, sorry.” “Thanks, but that won’t work for me.”  

Step 6: Is really Step 1, again. If you say no to an invite, and the person immediately suggests an alternate day or plan (which is reasonable, polite thing for them to do, especially if they do not know you have only been pretending to like them!)  don’t panic! You’ve built in a buffer for yourself where you don’t commit to anything until you’ve checked both your calendar and your feelings, so do it again. “I’m not sure. Let me double-check and let you know.” 

Step 7: If somebody you already feel sort of “meh” about asks you to do stuff several times in a row, and you make excuses every time, and you do not feel motivated to initiate plans of your own in the interim, then it’s probably past time to replace “Oh, sorry, I can’t, I’m busy, another time?” with “Thanks, but no.” 

Step 7a: When you run into situations like this, unfollow/mute/snooze this person’s social media and deploy filters so they aren’t all up in yours. 

Step 8: Can be done anytime, in any order. When you arrange hangouts, prioritize only people you adore who make you feel extremely great. If that means you see the same delightful, beloved faces again and again, and that a lot of your outer-acquaintanceships drift? Good! Let go of the idea that you need to be fair about where you spend your time and affections, and resist the notion that if someone invites you someplace you must automatically reciprocate, regardless of whether you actually want to see them. 

Step 9: Re-adjust and re-calibrate, a lot, and give it time. Changing habits is really hard! You had a setback when Amy came along, but that doesn’t mean it’s all over. These steps are meant to help you practice changing patterns that are making you unhappy, you can come back to them again and again when you need and disregard them completely when you don’t. 

I think that’s enough homework for one summer. We can save the part where you practice interrupting dudes who mistake you for their on-call therapist right back another time, but also, did you know that you could delete that one guy’s phone number and close off your social media connections right now, today, for the low, low price of absolutely free? 

So, we’ve had a rash of these questions, and it’s been fun to sink my teeth in and try to get to the bottom of it,  but this is the last “parties/awkward social hangs/friend vs. acquaintance anxiety” answer for a good while. There are tons of steps here and in the archives for practicing the art of no and cultivating the friendships you want to keep. It is okay to be friends with people you like a whole lot and to avoid people who make you feel bad. It is okay to outgrow friendships that don’t work for you, and nobody has to be evil for this to happen. It is not mean to set limits with friends you really like. 

It is impossible to do these things without ever making anyone feel bad. There is no secret magic incantation where you both act on stuff thats’s bothering you and guarantee that nobody else is bothered. However, the solution is not for you to sign up to feel bad forever, as if your long-suffering, accommodating, avoidant, secretly-furious nature is some gift to other people. It isn’t a gift to them, it’s terrible for you, plus, other people will never, ever give you credit for all the times you stayed silent that they didn’t know about. Good people (however irritating or incompatible with you) do not want you to fake friendship with them or tie yourself in knots to withstand their company. The only people who want you to never disagree with them or have any needs are assholes, i.e. people who are guaranteed to never give you credit or appreciate you about this! It is a losing game. 

If planning supposedly fun things is stressing you out beyond belief, you might need a therapist to unpack why. If your existing friendships are more about habit than they are about affection, you might need to seek new ones. If your existing friends punish you for having needs and make you feel like you have to swallow your tongue in order to be accepted, you should definitely seek new ones. None of that is easy, but it is profoundly worth doing, especially if the alternative is perpetually faking it… for fear of disappointing people… who make you feel bad. Life. Is. Too. Short. for this NiceGirl shit where seeming  polite is more important than being honest, kind, or happy. It’s time to find a way to stop faking it, and I think I’ve spelled out pretty much everything *I* know about how for the time being.